Incentive..

Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good, but I'm too much of a chicken to get my nipple pierced. I've thought about it but it's not happening. Before our youngest was born, I sometimes wore nipple jewelry that was a"fake piercing".  Knight had fun with that..

He's been putting off a project at work, so I offered a bit of incentive. 

This morning I did a quick search for fake nipple piercing and I found some on  Etsy, of all places. 

I told knight that if he got his lagging work project done by July 3, I'd let him help me pick out a couple of pieces. 

Here are some of the styles I'm thinking about. 

                                                                                       

What Do *I* Need?

Lately -- probably for the past year or so..our "slips" away from strict flr have been my fault, and I need to find a solution.

After knight's dad unexpectedly died earlier this year, I took over *everything* including telling him when to eat and shower. He was devastated and truly needed moment-by-moment management to get through. I even continued that level of control while we were with his family for the funeral. Knight didn't object to me giving him instructions in front of his family, and even came to me for instructions repeatedly while we were there. I decided when he was ready to go back to work, and I kept his supervisor and HR department informed on what was going on. I stepped in and managed absolutely everything in his world for three months.  Interestingly, my knight said that level of control from me was comforting. He told me  that in spite of the circumstances that brought on that level of absolute control, he enjoyed it.  He responded to it emotionally, by opening up and talking to me. In those three months, we talked about things that we'd never discussed in 13 years. It sounds insensitive, but we were closer in the two months after Knight's dad died than we've been ....ever. 

After about three months, I started to back off just a bit. He wasn't showing any signs of resisting, nor was he complaining about it. I simply thought that it was time for him to start making simple decisions for himself again. I started leaving it up to him as to WHEN he completed things.. His list of tasks didn't change. It simply became his responsibility (again) to decide when to do things. I stopped micro-managing every minute of every day.

We started having problems with him getting things done again. Not only at home, but also at work. For those three months I took total control, knight was able to stay caught up at work .. even though I was not managing his work time. But, when I backed off, he started falling behind at work again. I even caught him playing games on his phone frequently as a way to procrastinate.  

Hindsight... I just now, while writing this, understood that my mistake was backing off on that complete level of control/management. I should have continued. I stepped in and took over *everything* when his dad died. And I started slowly giving back some of that control after a few months because that's what *I* would have wanted. 

Ever since I gave back some level of planning and control we've been see-sawing between strict and not. When I'm strict, things go well, he stays caught up both at home, and at work. He seems happy and content. We're closer, he talks to me. And, when I back off, even just a little bit, he becomes distant, and seems sad. 

After a week or so of his distance, constant complaining and inability to get things done,  I get frustrated with him and become  super "strict" -- managing his routine, tasks, and activities completely for several weeks. It starts with me telling him that for the next few weeks he is to check-in with me before he does anything at all. During these times, I approve (or not) pretty much everything he does from the time he gets up until the time we go to bed. Knight cooperates with my request, and things go pretty well for those several weeks. There's almost no complaining on his part, and we seem to become closer. 

Then, when I think he's got a handle of things again,  I start letting him take back a little bit of control over his world. The constant check-in are no longer required. I stop telling him exactly what to do every minute of his day.

....and he falls behind again.

Same old damned hamster wheel we've been on for years., 

Okay..........so.. knight's actions, reactions, and emotional state tell me that I need to maintain tight control. That he needs, wants, responds to, and enjoys it when I maintain a tight control over him.

So.. then, why don't I do it?

My knight has a lot of things going on. We are dealing with his memory loss the best we can. It's taking it's toll on him, emotionally.  And.. he has demonstrated multiple times that my complete control, and my involvement in absolutely everything he does is comforting to him, and it helps him stay on track. 

So.. I guess the question I need to answer is this.. What's missing in our Flr for ME. What do *I* need that I'm not getting from the the arrangement? What am I trying to get from him when I back off, and start expecting him to manage his own minute-by-minute schedule again?  and.. How can I get what I'm looking for without backing away from the level of control he seems to thrive on? 

Good questions... Ones I need to answer. 

Back...

It's been about two years since I've posted here. Some things change.... most stay the same.

Last we talked, knight was having memory problems and we had no real idea why. Those memory problems were causing real trouble in our marriage. We were going back and forth about FLR, because he would tell me that he wanted FLR, but then would "forget" what he was supposed to do, would talk back constantly, and a couple times even forgot that he asked for FLR in the first place. I backed off of the FLR, and he became angry, upset, depressed, insisted that I didn't want him around. Talking revealed that he felt neglected because I had dropped the FLR aspect of our marriage. At those times he had no memory of asking me to back off.

We were on a constant roller coaster and I couldn't deal with it anymore.

 I put my foot down and told him that if he wanted to stay married he would go to a doctor and follow through on any and all diagnostic procedures. I told him that while he was under medical evaluation he would stick to the FLR.

He did both. In fact, he's been faithfully keeping medical appointments ever since. But, we're no closer to knowing what's going on, or understanding why he has memory loss than we were two years ago.  As for the FLR aspect, it's been off and on, but mostly on. For the past year, all slips toward 50/50 have been my doing, not his. In fact, over the past year, knight has been slowly and steadily asking me for more control, more direction and stronger leadership.

In the last two years, doctors have tested for, ruled out, prescribed medication for, and even flatly diagnosed multiple medical issues --- including:

Depression --knight is prone to episodes of depression. He does not want to take meds for it, and the doctors we've discussed it with agree he probably doesn't need medication. I'm aware that depression can cause memory loss, but after several consultations, the doctors don't believe that depression is causing Knight's memory loss. Therapist didn't think he needed weekly visits.

A variety of mental Illnesses ---He was evaluated for multiple mental illnesses, and all is good there.

Anxiety -Yes, he has some anxiety. Again, he doesn't want to take meds for it, and our doctors agree. They also say that knight's anxiety is not intense enough to cause memory loss.

Seizures --One of our local doctors insists that knight is having seizures. He made this diagnosis with absolutely NO brain wave testing. Doc claims (rightfully so) that atypical seizures are difficult to catch, even with a recent EEG. In order to make a solid DX, you have to "catch"  a seizure on a walking EEG machine. And, since atypical seizures are unpredictable, that's really difficult. This neurologist insisted on putting knight on Depakote. Knight was completely against taking the med, but I asked him to give it a one to two month trial period. He did. The Depakote made things worse.. not better. When we went back to the doctor for follow up, he insisted on doubling the dose. We got a second opinion because I very much disagreed with the seizure dx, and protested the idea of doubling the Depakote dose.  The second neurologist backed me up, and we stopped the drug completely. The second neurologist also disagrees with the idea of seizures.

Alzheimer's and several other forms of Dementia -- this was the scariest. We ended up in the emergency room because knight lost several days worth of time and became verbally combative with me. Something about his  actions, words and general demeanor made me nervous. I wasn't afraid of him, I was concerned that something was *really, seriously wrong* Sometimes you just instinctively KNOW that something is *wrong* Like that. I didn't know what else to do, so I convinced him to go to the ER with me.  The ER doc talked to us for about 10 minutes, and then told me that my husband has Alzheimer's. Then I was informed that Alzheimer's is not an emergency, and I had no reason to be in the ER.  They gave me a stack of info on Alzheimer's and wished me luck.  On the ER follow up with our regular doctor, I demanded both a CT scan and an MRI.  The tests ruled OUT Alzheimer's and several other forms of dementia.

Brain tumor --- MRI and CT scan ruled these out. There is nothing structurally wrong with his brain.

Nutritional Deficiencies -- Nope.. all mostly good there.

Infections --Blood work good.

Doctors have determined that there is no traceable medical reason why he is having these memory lapses.  However, two of the doctors involved in knight's care have SEEN and experienced knight having memory problems, and there is absolutely no doubt that it's happening.

His supervisor at work along with other employees have also experienced Knight's memory loss. It was effecting his work enough that he ended up having to confide in his immediate supervisor in order to avoid getting fired.

That left us with wondering.. what next.

My whole reason for insisting on medical evaluation was in the hopes that we would find an obvious medical cause for the memory loss, outbursts and personality changes. That didn't happen, and knight was getting tired of being a science experiment. When the MRI came back normal in January of this year, knight asked me if we could stop the medical appointments for a while.  Since we were no closer to an answer than we were when we started this, I agreed.

None of this has much to do with flr directly, until you consider all the issues he and I have had over the years.

More later..