Friday, June 29, 2012

More of the Same

Lately..the last couple weeks, I suppose, I seem to be getting a little bit of resistance from my Knight when it comes to following my instructions. Nothing major.. no outright refusals or anything.  But, a lot of "oops, I forgot" and "oh.. I thought that changed when X happened - I didn't know you still wanted me to do it"  kind of moments. It's annoying, frustrating and just a bit discouraging.

There was an incident yesterday where my I asked my Knight to drop off a huge bag of books to one of the charity based 2nd hand stores... again. These books have been in the back of our van for 3 weeks, waiting to be donated. Yesterday I reminded him for the -who knows how many-th time to drop them off on his way home from work. The donation site is less than one mile from his office so, really.. this is NOT a huge deal.. just get it done. Well.. once again it didn't get done. My Knight's "explanation"?

"I wasn't sure you still wanted me to make the stop since we're taking the kids to the lake."

Um. Yeah. Whatever. That makes no sense.. since I never said:

  •  don't don't take the books for donation
  •  I never said "come straight home" 
  • we are in email contact all day long. There is NEVER a time during his day at work where he is unable to send me an email. He could have easily emailed and asked.
  • Ditto for text.
  • I sent him an email about mid-way through the day to remind him to drop off the books. 

And then.. last Sunday there was the breakfast bickering. My Knight got up late, and then spent 35 minutes following me around the house asking what I wanted for breakfast. Quite frankly, I wanted to go get my shower so I could get ready for church. But instead ended up standing in our kitchen discussing breakfast choice that could not have cared less about.. and Yes, I told him "I don't care.. just make something, I'm going up to take my shower."   My Knight started talking about running out to the store for something or other and it stopped me in my tracks. We were getting ready for church. The 6 of us had to be out the door and in the van in 20 minutes, if we were to make it on-time. We did not have the time for him to run to the store. After wasting another 5 minutes going in circles I finally told him never mind. I'll make my own breakfast that day.... and every day from here on out - not to bother. And then I went upstairs for a quick shower.

Interestingly enough.. when I came back down, my Knight had made breakfast, AND the tea he had totally forgotten about. And he has made breakfast for me everyday this week. 

It's these little things that make me go back to wondering if my Knight really wants FLR, or if he's just agreed to go along with this to save our marriage a year ago. I find myself wondering if he's doing some sort of passive-aggressive protest bs over specific requests of mine..

I realize that's a question none of you can answer... that I need to ask HIM. And I have.. many, many times. Each time he tells me the same.. "Yes, I want this." My Knight was excited and thrilled to receive his ring. That ring has not come off his finger once since I presented him with it. If I even suggest we take a break from FLR for a while my Knight tells me that's not what he wants.. that he's happy with and likes the way things are.  Heck.. every time I remind him that finances, or our social obligations, or planning things, or even scheduling when he will finish writing projects,  are no longer his concern - that is job now is just to do 
as I ask him,  he answers with "do you have any idea how much I love you" or something similar.  

Granted...... I have not asked him if he still wants FLR since I give him the ring, but as you can see from the breakfast episode, the mere mention of   "I'll do it myself" caused him to get over whatever his issue was and get the job done. And.. after he didn't drop off those books yesterday I sent him an email this morning asking if it would be better if I just went back to doing everything myself.  He dropped those books off on his way home tonight.

But... at the same time, my Knight has pulled the passive aggressive crap on me before. Saying he'll do something and then not following through because he really doesn't want to.. he just agreed to avoid an argument. Granted.. that was before the FLR agreement when we were both still pretty angry with each other, but .... it makes me wonder. 

I've asked my Knight to keep a journal of his feelings and thoughts regarding FLR, us, and life in general. But, he doesn't write init very often. Actually, he was really good about it for the first week or so, and then just stopped... when I asked him about it, he claimed lack of time. So, I carved out 45 minutes each evening for journal writing. But, he always seems to find a way to fill that time with something he "forgot" or "didn't have time" to do earlier in the day. 

I am looking at my Knight's actions and I see one of two possibilities here.. 1. He really is not into this whole FLR thing and is just trying to keep the peace  or 2. He's trying to get me to be more strict with him.

A third possibility would be that he really IS that forgetful.... but I don't think so. 

Could it be that my Knight is still so caught up in not wanting to displease me that it is still causing him to go in circles? That my insistence that I didn't care what we ate for breakfast on Sunday sent him into a tailspin of wondering what I *really* wanted?  And that finding out we were going to the lake when he got home made him wonder if I really wanted him to delay getting home by dropping off those books...and since he couldn't decide he did nothing?

But in the case of the books, why not just email me and be done with it?  A quick email asking is a heck of a lot more efficient than stressing and wondering. 

When I ask him these questions, he tells me likes the FLR arrangement --that he feels calmer and less stressed knowing I have everything under control. And I believe him. About the other possibilities, he tells me he doesn't know... or he's not sure.. or..... tries to change the subject.  Leaving me wondering what do do next. 

I never expected this transition to be an easy one. But I did expect to get some input from my Knight about what works best for him, and most importantly WHY. I have *got* to get him comfortable with talking about FLR and his own submissive tendencies.  I keep saying I'm going to try "conversation by cock tease" but, when it comes down to it I always feel so .... manipulative doing that. I've done it twice with mixed results. The first time my Knight answered everything I asked him. The second time he wasn't very forthcoming with answers. And both times, I felt like I unfairly manipulated  and took advantage of him. Even though we talked about the 'conversation by cock tease" approach, and he knew what I was doing, and he's told me more than once  "do whatever you feel you need to keep me on track"  I still felt like crap for manipulating him like that, and I haven't done it since. 

Maybe the whole manipulation issue is a whole different blog post.







Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Finding His Motivation

Things around our house have been fairly uneventful. For the most part my Knight and I have fallen into a comfortable D/s routine, I think. Most of the time my Knight finishes his daily assigned tasks. I was actually impressed the other night when I announced it was bedtime. My Knight asked my permission to stay up a few extra minutes because he had not finished washing pots and pans. I wasn't thrilled about going to bed alone, because I had plans to tease him a bit before we went to sleep. But I was happy to know he was taking that chore seriously enough to stay up and finish. I was sound asleep by the time my Knight came to bed, so he missed out on the playtime, but maybe next time he'll manage his time a bit better.

There have been a few little things that make me think I should get serious about adding some sort of daily action to remind my Knight of his submissive role. It seems that every couple days my Knight gets sloppy about one or another (or several) of his daily responsibilities. I can remind him, but it does not good. It's not until I chew him out that he starts paying proper attention to things again. This has been an on-going issue for years. Before FLR I would let it go for months before I finally got pissed and it turned into a yelling match.  Not meeting his household responsibilities was a *huge* issue for us. I couldn't depend on him for anything at all. Since FLR I remind him as soon as things go undone, and it really does happen less often. Sometimes it's putting gas in the van for me, other times it's making breakfast on-time, or cleaning up after himself in the kitchen or yard, forgetting to do something extra I asked of him -- little things. But what I find interesting now is that when I call him on these things, his attitude changes. He doesn't look me in the eye, he doesn't make excuses (not often, anyway), and his typical answer is, "You're right. I should have done it. I'll go take care of that right now." Before FLR he argued and made excuses as to why it didn't get done. I've also noticed that after he hears from me about something left undone he is more attentive to his responsibilities, and to me, for a while. Until the next time he starts slipping.

His pattern really makes me think he needs a daily reminder of who is in charge around here, and why.  I *thought* the tease and denial would provide that for him, but I guess not. I have him making my breakfast for me every morning for the same reason. I thought that maybe if the very first thing my Knight does every morning is something that serves me, it would give a reminder. It seems we need to have another discussion about why we're doing a FLR, and what he gets out of it so that I can better understand what motivates him.


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Moving Things Forward?.....Maybe

I'm thinking about adding a little fantasy play to our life. My Knight and I have always talked about our fantasies, sometimes I write out fantasy scenes for him, other times I've started writing a scene and handed it off to him to add to. We'll pass a story back and forth like that for a couple weeks, each adding bits and pieces that interest us. I've found it a great way to share fantasies and learn about each other.

I've always known that my Knight would like to include the occasional playmate in our bedroom gymnastics. He was open about this desire even while we were dating, and promised me that he would never touch another woman without my permission. He's been true to his word. I enjoy using this particular fantasy to play and tease him. We have an ongoing story about some cute blonde that I made up years ago. It's not about him getting to screw another woman, it's about seeing me pleasured in many different ways with different people, it's about watching and being watched and making several women very content. I've always been open to the idea, but not until I felt we were solid enough to handle it.. and not until I was certain that my Knight would follow the rules I set out for him. The most important of which is "no communication with any other woman I bring into our bedroom without me being there."

See, my first husband cheated on me with an old high school friend after telling me they were "just friends", then he cheated on me with a couple of strangers,too. The first time I forgave him for the simple reason that I was his first. The day I found out about  the 2nd and 3rd times I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. I've also seen many seemingly solid, and close relationships fall apart when a playmate was introduced. That's not a chance I want to take with my Knight.  So, even though the idea of supervised playing wasn't off the table completely I have been cautious.

A good bit over a year ago, an old boyfriend dropped into my life out of nowhere. He ended up living in the studio apartment that is part of our house. And he ended up in our bed. It was my Knight's idea. He asked if I wanted to sleep with my friend and told me it was okay if I did. At first, I was against the idea.I didn't want to start something that could end badly. But my Knight encouraged me and eventually I warmed up to the idea. The old boyfriend certainly didn't object, and in fact, was very much open to the idea and it wasn't long before he was joining us in bed regularly. My Knight mentioned that it would be okay with him if the old boyfriend and I took off by ourselves occasionally to play, but somehow that just did not feel right to me,and so we never did. After a few months the old boyfriend no longer wanted to be included in our games, and we moved to a "just friends" relationship. My Knight and I discussed the possibility of me finding another guy to bring to our bed. I never ruled the idea out, but I haven't seriously acted on it, either.

We've been doing FLR for just under a year now and my Knight is trying very hard to meet my expectations. Most of the struggles we've had starting this journey have been my issues, not his. I struggle with my own perceptions of "fairness" and with trying to understand the "submissive mindset" I enjoy our FLR lifestyle, but still question how and why and even IF my Knight is truly happy in our arrangement. But again.. those are my hang ups, not his. And I think that maybe...just maybe  it's time for me to set up a short but fun scene for him. I'm still concerned about the after affects of such an action, but I'm pretty sure my Knight will follow the rules and I believe putting him in a surprise situation (one that we've talked about before) will help reinforce the trust between us, and his place in my life.

Now.. to put the details together.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Getting More Comfortable

I tried to give my Knight a break from chores and household duties yesterday. Family tradition dictates that on holidays that center on a specific person (ie Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays) the person being honored is excused from typical daily chores.

We had a nice day. The kids made breakfast for both of us and served us in bed. My 16 yr old came to me the night before and asked me to "sleep in a little" because "if you get up, he'll get up. But if you get up late, he'll get up late and the kids are making breakfast." So my Knight didn't have to make breakfast yesterday.

After the kids brought breakfast and coffee into us I decided I didn't want us eating on the bed, so I moved us all out to the kitchen table. After breakfast we all took off to get ready for church. We usually skip church on holidays but my 16 yr old was interviewing for a position as a daycare provider with the church nursery.

After church I put dinner in the oven to cook early so that my Knight and kids could eat dinner while they watched the concert my teen and I were playing in at a park that evening. Then, I went to lie down before the concert.  When I told my Knight I was lying down he automatically asked " Do you want me to come with you?"  I told him to work it out with the kids.   A few minutes after I went in, my Knight joined me. While we were lying down my teen kept an eye on dinner and the younger kids did their chores. Shortly, it was time to get up and get ready for our concert.

It all sounds pretty unremarkable, and it was, except in hindsight. During everything, my Knight's attention was focused on me. Even as the kids and I took over my Knight's household chores, his attention stayed focused on me.  At one point during the day, I found myself looking for things I could ask him to do for me because he seemed unsure what to do with himself.  So, I gave him some extra computer time. I hoped he'd take it upon himself to get caught up on some writing, but I didn't specify and he blew 45 min on Facebook---Lesson learned. Next time I will tell him to go write for 45 min. Then I had him pull something from my sax case, fix an earring for me, check the fluids in the car.  I asked him to help haul equipment from the band room to the concert site so that I didn't have to. And, of course he carried my sax and music for me and hauled coolers and food to and from the car.

I had him do these things not because I was trying to make him work, but because I know my Knight enjoys doing things for me. It makes him happy, gives him a purpose, and ... I think....... gives him a sense of contentment.

My point here is that a year ago, I would have insisted on doing most, if not all those things myself because it was Father's Day and he should "take the day off" but, this year, instead of putting my Knight through a "forced vacation" I found things he could do just for me. In the past, as we lie in bed at night my Knight has always apologized to me saying that I should not have gotten stuck with dishes.. cooking.. whatever. Last night, however, he seemed content to curl up with me on our bed and watch a movie that I let him choose. He didn't try to make it up to me, or apologize for what he didn't do that day. For the first time in all the years we've been together he didn't seem to be mad at himself at the end of a holiday.


Saturday, June 16, 2012

Things Can Be So Clear Sometimes

So.. tonight my Knight and I went out to dinner and then grabbed ice cream to eat beside the lake of our favorite park.  It was obvious that something was bothering my Knight. He was quiet and withdrawn,  irritable with traffic and just not himself. Finally after a bit of prodding he admitted to being more worried about a situation at work than he had been letting on. After I gave him a chance to talk it out I pointed out that when you get right down to things, the only opinion that matters is mine. He started to point out that if these execs didn't like how he had handled things they could fire him. My answer to that was, "yeah.. and if they do.. who do you have face at home? Are they going to be part of your life 10 years from now? When you get right down to it...... the only people you are responsible to  are me and the kids, and the only one you have to answer to is ME. I expect you to do your best in everything you do, all the time. As long as you're doing *that* I'm happy, and when I don't think you are doing your best, I let you know."

This conversation turned into a long discussion about my expectations. I spelled it out for him.. the only opinion that should matter to him is mine. My opinion of his actions should even be more important than his own. There is a  solid reason for this -- my Knight is a perfectionist, that in itself is not a bad thing, but he tends to be way .. WAY harder on himself than a called for by any given situation, and his criteria for judging success is sometimes unreasonable. So, as a balance, he's supposed to check in with me before judging success or failure on things.. especially things that bother him.

"You keep telling me that everything you do is for me, right?" I asked him.

"Of course."

"If that's true, then my opinion is the only one that matters. I tell you when I think you've done a good job, and I tell you when I think you screwed up, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then....don't worry about what other people think. You answer to me, and me alone."

I reached over and rested my hand in his lap.  He was hard as a rock.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Interesting....

Recently my Knight just completed 30 full days of intentional orgasm denial. This morning I sent him an email asking.."so.. 30 days.. too long, not long enough, or you really don't have an opinion?"

His answer?  "...not seriously keeping count, babe...especially when you get upset with me.  I lose track of anything left of the decimal point, I think...*wink*"


This was the first time I intentionally denied my Knight for a set period of time. There was 2 weeks where I purposely withheld any touching because he screwed up big time. But, the original plan.. before the screw up.. was 30 days of denial. My Knight had not idea when I'd let him orgasm. In fact, we didn't even talk about it once during that time. He didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer the information-- he just knew he was not allowed to come until I told him he could.


I find it interesting that he wasn't counting. Or if he was, he's not willing to admit it to me. I find myself wondering why he didn't keep track, and if that indicates a lack of interest in the T&D game, or a total willingness to leave things in my hands.  And yes, I sent him a follow up email asking that and a few other things. Out of everything we do as part of our FLR, I enjoy T&D the most.  Although, I will admit, I wish my Knight would talk to me about how it affects him. But.. that will come. I know why getting him to talk about sex is so difficult, and that, I suppose is half the battle. 





Clarification On My Last Post

After reading over my last post I think I was a little unclear. I believe our current issues with my Knight's non-compliance are more related to my lack of consistency and clarity than any real shortcoming or lack of interest on his part. This is all very new to me and sometimes I am very much less than perfect when expressing my desires to my Knight.  I try, but I'm fighting years upon years of "societal programming' telling me that I "should not" dominate my partner. Except I am starting to see that is exactly what he wants. He wants me to be clear on what I expect from him, because really.. how else can he fulfill those expectations. Part of my problem is that when he comes to me at the end of the day and asks, "Babe, do you want me to finish up the dishes before I come to bed?"  I almost always so no because it feels so unfair to me to "make" him stay up an extra half hour to finish dishes that I can just as easily do in the morning. Or when he says "Why don't I finish X for you while you watch a movie." .. Same thing. It feels unfair to me to send him off to complete some random task while I kick back and do nothing. I'm not built that way. I have always done my share of the work, usually I take on more than my share of the work.

I can see where it could get confusing and unclear for my Knight. On one hand, I've told him that I expect him to wash used pots and pans every single night. And then I tell him, "no, baby. I'm going to bed."

My Knight needs a clear understanding of what my expectations are for him, and I need to learn to stick to those expectations, regardless of what my "bossy sensors" are telling me. Because my husband needs clear and consistent guidelines from me.

I am going too write out a list of guidelines and expectations for both myself and my Knight to refer to. That way, when he is tempted to ask me, "Should I do X or Y?"  , we can both look at the predetermined list and see where his question fits into my established expectations.






Monday, June 11, 2012

Expectations Are EVERYTHING!

I am realizing that I only get from my Knight what I expect and demand from him, and not a hair more. Over the weekend we had a disagreement over some items on my Knight's daily To do List that consistently remain undone. I told my Knight very bluntly that I expected him to complete every single item on his list *every single day* unless I specifically say otherwise. There are a few weekly exceptions to that rule, such as Friday evening dishes because we are not home, but other than that I expect his list to be completed each evening before bed. AND I expect him to go to bed at the same time I do each night.

When confronted with his incomplete list-- some items went back over 4 weeks-- his excuse was that either there were other things going on and he was unclear what his priority should have been, or that he just did not have the time.

I looked at that list and told him that it was obvious to me that he no longer wished to continue our FLR arrangement. I told him that I have neither the time, energy, nor patience to play the "double check his work and hand out consequences for things undone" game. That by accepting the FLR arrangement he agreed to complete all assigned tasks and duties without fail, without whining, and without complaint. And he was not living up to that promise. I'm not into handing out punishments and if he is going to be my sub, then he simply needs to do what I ask. Period. Then I walked away.

The next morning my Knight was up early to start breakfast -- one of the chores he's been neglecting lately. He apologized, said I was right - I shouldn't have to double check his work,  and asked if we could continue our FLR arrangement if he was more diligent about getting his daily tasks completed. I agreed to give him another chance, provided that he understands how I feel about he punishment thing. If I have to hand out a punishment then he has *really* ticked me off. I tend to let minor irritations slide because it's not worth it.

Looking back, I realize that part of the problem may be simple uncertainty about priorities, but that a big part is expectations. My Knight would much rather spend his evenings curled up with me on the couch while I read, crochet, work, or watch a movie with my teenage daughter. Many times I allow him to do just that, instead of reminding him of the tasks he needs to complete before bed. He's come to believe that I don't really expect him to get those pots and pans washed. I'm just as content to have him sit with me. Which is sometimes true... until I realize that my hands are hurting because I've been slinging cast iron skillets four of the past five days.

I really don't require much of him in the evening. After dinner my Knight is supposed to wash any pots or pans used during the day. He also is expected to wash his dinner plate and my dinner plate, if I don't get to it while the kids are taking baths. (Each of the kids wash their own dishes,and  I wash most dishes used in dinner prep while I'm cooking ) After that, he is free to work on writing projects or whatever, if there is time before bed.

So.. I need to work on making my expectations clear along with the task list. My Knight needs to understand that if x, y or z happens, then THIS is the priority..but if l,m or q happen then THIS is the priority.

There are a lot of little details that I take for granted that my Knight either does not see, or doesn't know how to handle.

Didn't we deal with this issue a few months ago.. I guess I did some backsliding of my own... I need to watch that.




Thursday, June 7, 2012

Interesting....

After two weeks of having all sex play removed from our relationship, my Knight is a totally different guy. It was 2 weeks yesterday since my Knight's indiscretion. I decided that whatever other punishments I might dole out the biggie was going to be planned, and intentional withdraw of my touch. I told him that was how it was going to be and reminded him that under no circumstances was he to masturbate at all. If I had any reason at all to question if he'd been playing alone it could become semi-permanent. My Knight knows from our pre-FLR fights that I can just "turn it off" especially if I feel he broke my trust. Sexual attraction is all in my head, and I can control it as easily as I can flip a light switch.

So, he's been on his best behavior these last two weeks. Attentive, sweet, helpful, *talkative*. That's the important part right there. Talkative. My Knight does not talk about his feelings unless I push and pry. It drives me nuts. When I ask what's wrong and he tells me "Nothing" when it's obvious something is bothering him.... it just pisses me off. But, this last week he's made an obvious effort to share his feelings with me. Not just about his recent screw up, but about everything. When I ask him what he's thinking he actually tells me, instead of giving me some general means nothing answer. See.. I demand total and complete honesty and openness from my Knight. About everything, including his thoughts. I want to know everything.. including no.. especially .. the stuff he'd rather not share with me. Why? Because a guy who allows himself to be that unguarded and vulnerable with his lady is just about the sexiest thing around.

It's not that my Knight won't share that with me, it's that most of the time he doesn't know how and I've been horrible about finding a way to teach him to let those walls down for me. He wants to.. but he's a guy.. and let's face it.. being vulnerable isn't something most guy are good at.. nor do most of them want to be.  Maybe I'm odd, but the guy who is willing and able to totally open up seems stronger than the guy who guards his feelings. My Knight is a very emotional being.. sometimes more emotional than I am. But, he doesn't often show it, not even to me. The past week has been different, though. He's been more willing to talk, more willing to open up to me. It's been wonderful.

I'm hoping his new found openness is because he's being denied, and not because he knew I was hurt and angry.

Time will tell. Here's hoping that he continues to be so open.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Twenty Six Days and Counting

My Knight is at day 26 since his last orgasm. That's not the longest he's gone, but I don't count the others because that was before we started FLR, and was the result of our previous marriage problems. He *could* have done things himself, but usually didn't.

This is the first time I've intentionally had him wait this long. Granted, I declared 10 days of no sex play at all as part of his punishment for his dishonesty 2 weeks ago. But, that was up last night, so he got a short, but intense tease session this morning. To my Knight's credit he didn't even let himself come close to going over the edge.  He didn't complain or show any disappointment when I declared it time to stop. He followed the rules perfectly and enjoyed what he was given.

We are going out this evening to look at some land and a house. I think I might stop at our favorite private spot for some under the stars cock teasing. I have to say, he is so sexy when he's been denied for any length of time. I love that he starts to get hard just getting undressed for me. I love watching him squirm when I play with his cock, when he's been denied any length of time it's so easy for him to pay total attention to the sensations running through him. When he's not being denied his short attention span gets the better of him and he can be thinking about 20 different things while we're having sex.  But when he's denied for long periods, I have his total and complete attention anytime my hand is on his cock. He becomes so absorbed in what I'm doing to him that nothing else exists for him. Which is exactly why I deny him. Because I love seeing him so immersed in sensation and pleasure that the whole world slips away.   The flip of that is that he also becomes totally absorbed in whatever he's doing to me.  Which  works well for me, too.