Disrespectful?

Hmm.. a few people have commented that they think knight's lack of response to my email was disrespectful. Maybe I'm giving him to much leeway here, but I don't think it was intended that way.

His behavior has changed slightly since I sent it, and I see that as a response in it's own right.  My knight is  very uncomfortable talking about sex, fantasies, and flr topics. When I bring those topics up in person he really struggles. When I bring them up in email he struggles just as much because he can't see me to judge my reaction  to his words. I've found the best approach is to state my thoughts in an email, and then bring the topic up again in bed a few days later.

In the couple days since I sent that email, my knight's behavior has undergone some slight changes. He is a tad more attentive. He's coming to me more frequently to be sure he's doing what I ask of him, and he seems to be thinking ahead a little bit more.  He's not assuming things, any more. For example he's no longer assuming we will watch a movie before bed. He's asking instead. He's not arguing or defending. The night after I sent the email, he got side tracked and forgot something on his list. I told him he would have to get up early and do it before he left for work. He started to say he didn't do it because it would have interrupted the kids' movie. I gave him "that look" and he stopped short. He completed the task without complaint the next morning.

Also, we have to consider the fact that my 19 yr old is home with her new boyfriend until Saturday. This is the same child who has had such a major issue with knight doing things for me in the past. She has told me that she thinks my leading and guiding knight is unfair at best, mildly abusive at worst. When she was living at home and I made a comment like, "I'll send him to the store on the way home from work to get that for you," or "I'll put it on his list", she would get angry and accuse me of being mean/unfair and taking advantage of him. I tried to explain that knight needs, and likes the guidance, heck knight even talked to her and explained that it helps him stay on track, and that doing things for us (meaning me and the kids) makes him feel needed.. but my dear daughter wouldn't listen. When I pointed out that we were no longer fighting because I was giving those detailed instructions, her answer was either "He's afraid of you" or "Yeah, because you don't let him think for himself"  It was the cause of many arguments between she and I. So knight knows that if he does anything overtly submissive in front of her, I will hear it from my daughter. Yes, I'm the mom, and it's my house. At the same time, I value my relationship with my adult children, and it's not worth the fight. 

Does that excuse knight for not answering my email? Of course not. I'm pretty sure he is waiting patiently for me to bring the topic up one evening while we are in bed.  But I don't think he's being intentionally disrespectful by not commenting on the email.

Somebody else thought that maybe knight was trying to bully me by simply "being a dick." Again, I disagree.  There have been many times that I thought he was being an ass. I've called him on each and every one, but he would never be an ass to me just for the sake of being an ass.  I'm not even sure he's capable of being an ass just for the sake of it.

No, I think he did respond to my email in his own way. Behaviors changed. He's simply waiting for me to bring the topic up in my own time.

If I Want Things To Change.......

......then I have to change them myself.

Knight isn't going to do it, and he isn't going to tell me how he wants this to look, or what he wants from the flr. I've tried asking, I've tried having him write about it, I've tried everything I can think of to get him to tell me why flr works for him, and what he wants from it. It gets me nowhere.

So.. how do I move this along to something closer to what I want? Let me take a look at what I know.....

What do I want from our flr? I want to know that I can depend on my knight to do what I ask of him - regardless of anything else. I want our kids to know Daddy is there to help them. I want him to help with housework, and do small things to help me keep romance alive and help keep us connected. I want us to be more open with each other sexually. Knight is often uncomfortable talking about fantasies because he's afraid they are "too extreme." (his words)

What do I like about our flr? I like controlling his orgasms. I like that he's attentive and likes to cuddle. I like that he always puts me and the kids first. I like that usually he tries really hard. I like that he's willing to do whatever I ask of him. I like when he is super horny, and shows it

What don't I like about our flr? That he often doesn't follow through. I feel like he doesn't fully participate, because he won't/can't tell me what he wants from this. I don't like punishing him. I don't like feeling alone. I don't like that sometimes when I want to try something new flr related that I often feel silly or stupid. I don't like that I've stopped being playful and spontaneous (but that started pre-flr because of all our arguing). I don't like that he is afraid/unwilling/hesitant to be forward when he is super horny.I don't like that he says he's unsure of what I want from him.  I don't like when the flr part of things falls apart. That he's so damned reserved about everything - sometimes his lack of showing his feelings make me feel stupid and question myself.

What does he like about our flr? He likes having me in charge. He likes me controlling his orgasms. He likes me assigning daily tasks, and he likes me controlling the budget. He likes it that I find him writing and photography time, and that I help him find projects. He likes that I push him past his comfort zone in a lot of areas. He likes the tease sessions. He likes making me happy in every way he can. He likes doing things for me. He likes knowing exactly what I want from him. He likes being my sex toy, and he likes talking about sex.


What doesn't he like about our flr? He doesn't like it when I drop the flr for any reason. He doesn't like disappointing me. He doesn't like it when I'm upset with him.


What does he want? Good question. From his actions alone I think he wants more dominance,  and more sex play. He wants me to cuckold him occasionally. He wants me to bring a 3rd person into our bedroom occasionally (he doesn't care if that person is male or female). He wants more sex play. He wants me to "force" him to try things he's too afraid to try. He wants me to "make him" play out those fantasies that he's to afraid to share with me because he thinks they are "extreme." He wants me to be comfortable doing whatever the heck I want to him.

What are we working toward?  Long term?  happiness, contentedness, peace, ect.

Short term - what do I want to work on this year? Communication. Being more spontaneous and playful. Trust.

How do I get there?  Getting over my "feeling stupid thing" and talking to him about flr stuff. Teasing him about the orgasm denial, talking about.. we tend to do things (like orgasm denial) but don't talk about it, or play with it , so it becomes serious. Being more sexual and teasing outside of the bedroom. Stop censoring my thoughts because I  know he'll freeze if I do something to surprise him -- surprise him anyway, and ignore it when he freezes.

History Repeats Itself

I'm pretty upset with myself right now. We've repeated the same damned cycle again. I realized this morning that I've been letting knight get sloppy again. I've been allowing him to skip out on bringing his task list to me every night, I've allowed him to get lazy and sloppy in the bedroom, and I have not insisted that he follow the rules.

The positive is that I recognized, and addressed, these things after one week, not the typical month or more.


Yesterday there were three different times when I felt knight was either overstepping is place, being inconsiderate, or simply not thinking. Then, it happened again this morning - twice- before he left for work. None of these incidents were major. It was all small stuff.

• Not speaking to me when he came into the library 
• sitting across the table from me (instead of next to me)
• getting involved in something on his laptop instead of working on the writing project
• not telling me he was just a little closer to orgasm that I though he was this morning. I ruined it, but he did not have my permission
• not making my coffee this morning.

As I made my coffee (he was in the shower, and I didn't want to wait for the coffee), I thought about these minor irritations, and the comments some of my readers have made over the last month or so. 

It occurred to me that knight is having these minor slips because I'm not doing my job.. not fulfilling my role as leader, and not insisting he follow the rules. He's not feeling my control because I've slipped again. Knight is - on some level- trying to push me into taking that control again.

Once again, I didn't set out to loosen my hold on knight, but it happened anyway.  I've given a good deal of thought to why I slacked off. Here's what I came up with.

• Thanksgiving holiday. I simply became lax because of the change in my routine
• My oldest daughter came home for a week. She went back to school on Tuesday morning. I toned down the more obvious stuff. For example, knight didn't sit on the floor in front of me once while she was here, and I got my own evening meds when the alarm went off. I usually ask knight do get it for me. 
• I'm focused on making a very tight writing deadline. My attention has simply been elsewhere. 
• Uncertainty about the training thing. I've been avoiding the additional training knight asked for because I've been unsure where to start.

Knight has reacted to each of these things.

•  While my daughter was here, knight asked me several times if I was upset with him. I wasn't, and I told him so. It didn't occur to me that he felt neglected because I wasn't allowing him to do as many things for me with oldest daughter here.
• Knight has been slightly withdrawn and seemed kind of down over the last couple days. I've asked him what was wrong, but each time he told me nothing. (remembering that knight often doesn't openly admit or recognize when he's feeling a lack of my control)
• Knight has asked for step-by-step instructions on things he should not need them for. 
• He's been questioning himself more over the last few days.
• He's been physically distant. 

I'm happy that I recognized what was going on before it became a problem In the past, this kind of thing has become a downward spiral. I am not going to let that happen this time.

Here is how I am remedying the situation.

• While knight was getting dressed this morning, I told him that he's been getting sloppy again. I spelled out each incident of sloppiness yesterday and this morning,and told him that even though I was lax over the holiday, I expected him to maintain the standards. 
• At the same time I told him I expect the sloppiness to stop immediately.
• I told him he's been careless and inattentive when it comes to sex, and that's not acceptable.
• I sent him an email telling him exactly what I want for breakfast in the morning, and when he told me he wasn't sure how to make it, I reminded him where the recipes are kept. (instead of simply giving him the recipe)
• When he gets home from activities with the kids this evening I'm going to ask for a full body massage. He's going to spend as long as I want him to rubbing his favorite scented oil into my body while we watch an adult movie. He will be denied orgasm and I won't directly touch his cock.
• Tomorrow morning I will begin teaching knight how I want him to wake me up each morning. 
• I am making a list of things I want knight to learn. I will start teaching him one item from the list each week.
• I'll make it a point to resume using phrases that remind knight he belongs to me.

A Reward

After the kids went to bed last night, I noticed my knight was sort withdrawn and sort of irritable - not with me, but irritable with himself. Earlier he dropped the keyboard to the kids' computer. The wire somehow got wrapped around his leg while he was using the computer. There was an odd noise upstairs that sounded like a kid falling out of bed, and I asked my knight to go check it out. When he stood up the keyboard went crashing to the ground. The floor in our den is concrete. Beautifully painted concrete, but concrete nonetheless.  Of course, things things tend to break when they hit concrete from waist high. Keyboard to the kids' computer is toast. Like most geek families, we have a stash of extra computer parts "just in case, " so replacing the keyboard is no big deal, but my knight was beating himself up over it.  I asked my knight several times what was bothering him. He's hard on himself, but usually, if I tell him I don't think something is a big deal, he drops it and moves on. Not so, last night.

After talking to him several times and getting nowhere, I called bedtime. After we got undressed and into bed, he tried to stick to "his side"of the bed. Yet another indication that something was bothering him. I put my arm under him and rolled him over toward me. "You're too far away. Get over here where you belong."

He complied and laid his head on my chest. Rubbing his back and shoulders, I ask him again what was wrong. "Why do you keep asking me that? I'm fine." He flipped over on his back, saying his neck was bothering him.  So, I rolled over with him and settled on top of him.

"You've been antsy, grouchy, and irritable all night. Don't tell me you're fine. What's going on in your head?" I demanded of him.

He was very quiet and very still for about 10 minutes. Then, finally, "Are you mad at me?"

I pulled back a little so I could look him in the eyes, "No.. why would I be?"

"I screwed up our evening. You wanted to curl up with a movie, but I didn't get my writing done in time for us do do that."

"Um.. no, you didn't. You finished everything on your list.. including 100 words more than I asked for on your WIP. You did just fine."

"But, you wanted to curl up with a movie."

"Your list got done. That's what's important. Besides, when did I say I wanted to watch a movie tonight?"

"I dunno. You wanted to curl up with a movie last night, and I screwed that up, too."

"Eh.. no really, no. We just didn't have time. I never said it was a big deal."

Several minutes passed before he very quietly said, "So, you're not mad at me?"

I leaned down, kissed him and let my hands wander over his body.  That turned into several pretty good orgasms for me. He's still under "no chance of coming" until mid August as a result of his dice roll the other day, so he figured that was the end of things. He settled down in my arms to cuddle and go to sleep. I grabbed the bottle of cinnamon oil that I keep next to to the bed and flipped him over on his back. He was already jumpy from his attentions to me, and he just about jumped out of his skin when I touched his cock with my oily hands.  For the next 90 minutes or so he squirmed, jumped and moaned while I brought him to the edge and back down over and over again. He was oblivious to anything other than what I was doing to him. Finally, when I thought he'd had about all he could handle, I started bringing him back down slowly.  He curled up in my arms peaceful and content.

This morning, I sent him an email saying that I was proud of him for finally telling him what was bothering him last night, and that the long tease session was his reward for talking to me.

Attempt at Increasing Our Communication

I've started an on-going game of "20 Questions" with my knight. The rules are simple, I started by asking him a random question via email. I gave him 2 hours to answer the question and respond with one of his own. The rules state that each of us is expected to respond to each question within 2 hours unless the person answering is obviously away from the computer. I tossed that in there so my knight can't tell me "I'm thinking about it" and then never answer.. he's been known to do that. If the answering person does not respond in 24 hours they have to immediately answer the question, and they owe the waiting partner 2 hours of time. The person stuck waiting for an answer can choose to use that time however they want.  Yes, on first glance it seems to give my knight a say over my time, but I decided that for this purpose, that's okay.. if I don't like what he comes up with, I can always tell him no. Besides, it's unlikely that I will put off answering his question for a full 24 hours, even if he does come up with something unexpected.

My hope here is that we can use the 20 questions game to explore his/my/our feelings, thoughts, opinions,likes, dislikes on flr issues and maybe.. just maybe start to explore this thing a little more.

Part of our issues with talking about dominance and submission is that he stresses over trying to figure out what I want him to say. When I  ask him about his thoughts on increasing the depth of our activities he always answers one of two ways:
1. He starts talking about the practical day-to-day application of our dynamic. He tells me that his daily task list does a lot to reduce his stress, and help keep him focused on what I think is important.
or
2. He tells me "Babe, I don't know what you want me to say. "

I'm hoping a series of short, light-hearted, and sometimes random questions to which he gets to ask a question of his own, might get him to stop censoring himself and give me some real answers.

Too bad we don't drink.. I've considered getting him drunk and THEN trying to get him to talk about this.

I know some of you think I'm talking this to death,  I want to know what he feels, not what he thinks I want to hear. I would be more sure of myself if he had approached me with the request, but since it came from me as a way to avoid a divorce, I still still wonder....

More on Locking

I love this post from Tom at The Edge of Vanilla.

I do not currently lock my Knight. I might in in the future, but at this very second he's not locked. However, he is not free to handle his cock whenever he wants, either. It may be a part of his body, but it belongs to me, and I get to say if and when my Knight plays with it. I  get to say if, when and how he comes.

I love having that control. It's sexy. It's special. I love knowing that my Knight won't come and won't masturbate without my instruction.  I'm the only person on the planet who has that control over him, and that is just amazing.

My Knight has been having a rough time coming to terms with his submission. Yes, we can talk about it. Yes, he jokes about it sometimes. But when it comes to really accepting it, and being able to talk about what he wants, what it does for him, and where he'd like to see it go..? Forget it. Hell...he even hates the word "submissive." My Knight loves it when tell him he is mine, or that he belongs to me. Anytime I remind him the he belongs to me, it's obvious that those words make him happy down to his core. He seems to gain confidence and strength from being reminded that he is mine, and I expect him to act like he belongs to me. If I use the word "submissive" or "submission" his whole attitude is different. He tells me, "I am not submissive," even though his behavior and attitudes are completely
submissive.

Where am I going with this? I see it as the same kind of thing that Tom is talking about.  In his head, My Knight does what I tell him to because he belongs to me, and because I value him enough to direct and control his energy, sexuality and everyday efforts. In his head, (I think -- we have not been able to talk this out, so I am basing my opinion on his reactions and things he's said)  I show that I value him when I am the dominant partner. When I don't dominate him, my Knight questions his place in my life.

But in most media, submissive men are usually portrayed as weak. My Knight does not want to be (and is not) weak. He certainly doesn't want me to see him as weak. But, to admit to being submissive is to identify with those images given off by society as submissive.

Wait. I think I just solved my own problem.

Thanks, Tom.



NOTE: I am in no way saying that submissive men are weak. I am saying that the general impression given by media of weak submissive men is wrong, and damaging to men like my Knight. And that general media impression might be part of our communication problem.

Intentional vs Unintentional Punishment

I've been thinking about my comment on punishment. In my last post I said that I have no interest in punishing my Knight whether it be corporal punishment, or not. As I was turning that over in my head, it occurred to me that regardless of my interest or intentions, maybe I end up punishing my Knight anyway. When I'm unhappy with his actions I don't flirt as often, I'm not as affectionate as I am when all is well between us. It's not something I do intentionally - it just happens as a natural consequence of my feelings of disappointment. Because I do expect my Knight to meet deadlines, complete tasks I request of him, and in general not screw things up or make things difficult , I do feel disappointed in him when he doesn't do as asked.

Maybe.. intentional punishment would be better.. more clear, more direct and more quickly resolved that what happens unintentionally?

It's something to think about.

Merry Christmas

Yep.. I'm a day late on the Christmas wishes. Things around here are ridiculously busy between Thanksgiving and New Year. We've wrapped up things for 2012, and I'm preparing for the beginning of 2013. In the last two weeks, I've mapped out my goals for both my work, and my Knight's writing. I've decided he needs to take his writing more seriously in 2013 and double his number of published stories from last year. As for me, I have a book due to be finished by March, so the first part of 2013 will be filled with research and writing.

As for our flr, we're still struggling with the same crap, just to a lesser degree. It's annoying and frustrating and if my Knight isn't careful he's going to see a whole different side of me. Or rather.. he'll see a side he's seen before, but in a totally new way.

What's the issue? More of the same..my Knight not following instructions in small, annoying, ways, and then saying I wasn't clear.

Examples?  Sometime late last week a light bulb in the kitchen blew.  I told my Knight, "I need you to change this bulb sometime before we  go to bed. Don't do it right now, because I'm cooking dinner and we'll be in each others way." The light is high up on the ceiling requiring the step ladder be placed smack in the middle of our small kitchen. Not something he can do when I'm making dinner. Simple right? Yeah. Not so much. As of yesterday it was still undone. I needed that light yesterday to see to carve the turkey. So, I grabbed the step ladder and started doing it myself. He picked me up off the step ladder. "What are you doing?" I told him.... what's it look like I'm doing? I'm changing the bulb because you didn't bother.... he said something about me not telling him when to do it, and then changed the bulb himself.  It shouldn't have even been an issue... the bulb should have been changed the day I asked. Or the next day at the absolute latest

Another example.. we were discussing two particular Christmas presents for our boys. We looked at one on-line together I noticed it took AAA batteries and reminded my Knight to pick some up while he was out shopping for the gifts. He had a list of gifts and the words, "whatever batteries are needed for X and Y" Well.. he got the AAA batteries for gift X, but he didn't bother to read the package of gift Y to see what kind of batteries that one needed. On Christmas Eve.. while wrapping gift Y I discovered we needed two 9volt batteries for gift Y. I asked my Knight where they were. His answer?  "you never told me to get 9volts, only AAA."  Um.. NO. I said get batteries for the gifts.

There are several examples over the last week or three of similar instances of him doing what I ask, but not doing it completely, or being careless about when and/or how it gets done. If he's going to act this way, I might as well do everything myself.

And then there are the two "oops it snuck up on me" moments. Yeah. right. I don't buy it for a moment. It is his responsibility to warn me when he gets to close to orgasm. Our standing rule requires that he not orgasm without my permission. Just period. It's his responsibility to follow that rule and to warn me when necessary. That's twice now that he hasn't given warning and.. "oops." The first time was 2 weeks ago.. penalty? no cock play for 2 weeks. That 2 week was up yesterday... another "oops"
Too bad for him, too. Because today is his birthday and I  had several tease sessions planned for today. He misses out on those.

Just lots of little stuff......... and my typical methods of disciplining him are just not making a difference.

Goal Planning for Two

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas each year I spend several weeks evaluating the past year and planning for the next year. It's part of my year end reflection process. I also take stock of the habits, attitudes and life circumstances. I make a promise to myself to make a conscience effort to increase that which served me and my family well, and eliminate that which did not. Then, on New Year's Eve I write down those habits, attitudes, fears and people which either did not serve to further our happiness, or served to make any of us unhappy. I light a fire, burn some incense, say some words that are dear to my heart, and burn those papers. This short ceremony helps me eliminate negativity, habits, ideas and attitudes which don't directly contribute to the health, success, and happiness of my family.

Some years I also write down those things which served us well and use the paper to fertilize my plants. By contributing to growth of a plant, those ideas also contribute to the growth of my family.

But, before the Burning Bowl Ceremony, I must do some goal evaluation and planning. That's where I am now.

Last year I made a lame attempt at goal planning for my Knight. We talked about his writing and where he wanted to be by December 2012.  I comprised a list of writing projects based on his suggestions and I added some of my own. Then, I went through the calendar and assigned due dates to each goal. On my Knight's daily task lists I would say something like , "Begin writing short stories for Name of Ebook. All 12 stories are due to be for editing on May 15."

I used the same process for my own goals, but I am easily able to break large tasks - like writing a 700+ page technical book - into easy to manage tasks. That's not so easy for my Knight. He can break down computer programs and databases like nobody I've ever met. But.. applying that same skill to a personal  task can be a challenge. Honestly, it depends on the task, and how much experience he has with similar projects.

So.. this year I am taking the advice of a very prolific writer friend. She plans out exactly when each small task will be completed. So, for example she knows that on October 15 of next year she will be working on X part of Project 4. She does this for all her writing projects, and all of her husband's projects, as well.  It is a long and drawn out process. It's difficult and time consuming to complete all this planning for one person. I've combined our work and personal goals into one place so I can plan writing time for each of us accordingly. It's a lot of work, but I think it will pay off for both of us in the end.

Results Of Our Game

So.. our game went well the other night. Or, as well as it could have gone considering the rule that came up in the roll.

My Knight rolled a 2. Rule 2 states:

We are partners in everything, but I  am in charge of, and hold final decision making and authority on all things. I will always listen to, and value your opinion, but the final decision is mine. 

Of course, that is the basis of any Dominant/submissive relationship. So it didn't leave much room for discussion. I asked my Knight how he felt about Rule 2. He looked at me and shrugged, "Isn't that the whole point?"

LOL, well.. yeah. We talked about how he thought it was going since we reinstated the flr, and how he felt handing all control over to me. There wasn't much new to say - we've talked this one to death, but he did try.  So, my Knight earned his reward. We're going to repeat this game once or twice each month as a way to review the rules and help keep either of us from falling into autopilot.

And.. for this evening I offered up a new challenge: Write 1000 words this evening on his current WIP, and earn an hour or longer tease session tonight. No chance of release.... just teasing and playing.

Personally, I enjoy subjecting my Knight to long tease sessions. I love watching him squirm and struggle not to release without permission. A few months ago, he asked me to stop the extended, intense teasing because it irritated and frustrated in a not so great way. But... recently he's realized that he misses the attention, the increased sensitivity, and the tease time itself. So, I think we're both looking forward to him making his word count tonight.

A Little Game

I just emailed my Knight his daily task list for today. While I was typing his list, I decided to play with him a little. Task item number 10 for the day tells my Knight to find time to review our written rules because we will be playing a game this evening.

When we get home tonight I'm going to roll a pair of dice. The roll will randomly choose which of our rules is up for in-depth discussion. It's part of my attempt to help my Knight become aware and comfortable with his submission. We will explore how he feels about the rule, how following or acting on the rule makes him feel, and how or if that rule helps him to feel submissive to me. Then I'm going to ask him to tell me one thing I do, or he'd like me to do that increases his feelings of submission to me.

If he does a good job expressing his feelings, and he actually talks to me on the level I want, then I will allow him to come sometime in the next 24 hours.

If I am not happy with the level of communication I get from my Knight tonight, then there is absolutely no chance of an orgasm for him in the next 24 hours.

I'm really hoping the anticipation is fun for him. Early on I stopped telling him when he'd be allowed to orgasm, because it causes anxiety and stress for him. He was better off not knowing. But in my mind, this is different because I'm using his potential orgasm to encourage him to dig deep and tell me how he feels.   We'll see. The next item on his list is to tell me if the game is causing him anxiety.

Part of our challenges with FLM is lack of open communication. My Knight has been pretty uncomfortable with this part of himself. He wants to be submissive to me, but doesn't want to talk about it, and doesn't want to understand exactly what he wants or why. I want that communication. I want my Knight to talk to me about what he wants from this, and what pushes those buttons for him. Tonight's game is a first step in that process.  Plus, it's fun.

Putting It On "Autopilot"

SH suggested I buy and read Around Her Finger By Ken Addison.  That book has been on my "To Read" list for about a year. Yesterday I downloaded the book. It's only 157 pages, and I was able to read through it over the course of the afternoon in between other tasks.

It's well written and explains the basics of FLM fairly well. I don't know that I learned anything new, but I've been reading and researching FLR for two years now.

That said, reading the book did point out to me why we keep coming back to the same issues. Like I said the other day, things fall apart when we get super busy, or when we fall into a routine. Both are times when I tend to run on autopilot. I think my Knight feels ignored during those time, too.

In the future I need to watch myself so that I don't fall into autopilot. I think I also need to build several small, sexually charged elements into our day so that if(when) I do go into autopilot, those elements are built into our routine to remind me not to allow autopilot to happen.

Thanks SH.  It's going to take some time, care and attention on my part, but I know it's worth it. We sustained a pretty good FLR for about a year before I let self-doubt convince me my Knight hated the arrangement. I know now that I was wrong.. I thought he was unhappy with FLR, but really he was having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that he liked the dynamic.

A Post in Progress - Guilt

I realized about a week ago that I feel guilty when my Knight is busy at some mundane household task while I relax or do something for me. This came about when I sent my Knight off to the kitchen to wash dishes and clean up after dinner while I sat and listened to my on-line class lecture. It was about 11pm, and we were both tired. I felt guilty for curling up on the couch with my class while my Knight stood at the sink doing dishes.

I've been thinking about it a lot and I realized it happens a lot. There have been more than several times that I've told my Knight not to worry about some task on his list simply because I felt guilty. Many times my Knight's daily task list is not complete by the time I'm ready to head to bed. My Knight has enough time after work to complete his lists, if he manages his time well - a lot of the time he does not. So, by 11pm or so, when I'm ready for bed, my Knight's list isn't done. He's openly acknowledged that sometimes he just needs to stay up and finish his list, but most of the time I tell him to just forget it and come to bed.

Why? Guilt. I feel bad going to bed while my Knight is still up finishing a task I gave him. Ideally, he is supposed to get everything done by 1030pm so that we have some time to talk before bed.

I'm still trying to figure out why I feel like this, and how to avoid it.

What I Enjoy About Our FLR

I started writing this in response to a comment someone left on the blog, but then I realized it should be a post of its own.

When I started our flr  12...maybe 15 months ago.. I did it out of desperation to save our marriage. I looked through an on-line journal my Knight and I used to discuss sensitive emotional topics and I found that one thing remained constant over the previous 5 years or so: He was always asking me to tell him what I wanted from him. He wanted me to write lists, to define his role in my life.  A few times the topic of D/s came up, and he completely denied that was what he wanted. At the same time, he would repeat the request that I manage his time, tasks and activities.  I went looking for a way to bring up the D/s dynamic with him one last time...I spent several hours researching, reading, learning about FLR, personality types and many other things in one last ditch effort to end the constant bickering, resentment and anger without filing for divorce.

I did it out of necessity - I never expected to enjoy it.

But.. I do enjoy it.

It's not the submission that I enjoy.. not exactly. What I love is the person he becomes when I actively lead.

When I don't actively lead him, my Knight is unsure of himself, easily rattled and moody.  He never seems to know what to do at any given moment. He has 10 projects going around the house, and none of them EVER get done. (no. I am not exaggerating here.)   He's scatterbrained, anxious and underfoot. LOL.. Underfoot because he is trying so hard to "please me" every single moment that he gets in the way... like a puppy following my every move, I end up tripping over him.  Don't get me wrong.. I appreciate that he is simply trying to do what he thinks I want done, but... most of the time he has no real  clue. When I don't lead sex is .... Okay..... but not great. I always feel like there's something missing... like he's only half there.


When I actively lead my Knight his whole outlook seems to change - he becomes more confident in everything he does. That confidence even carries over to his work and his writing.  He stresses and worries less, he is less moody, and almost nothing rattles him. When I lead him, my Knight is much less forgetful. His projects get finished.  When I lead, my Knight knows exactly what he can do to "please me" and so he doesn't follow me around like a lost pup.  My Knight is always attentive to me, whether I'm leading or not. But, when I lead those attentions are more focused.. more.. purposeful. He doesn't sit in front of me waiting for me to reach for a cup, start a chore, or move something.  When I actively lead, my Knight knows I will ask him to do that chore, make that tea or ..whatever. He doesn't have to wait for the chance to jump in and do it for me. I will find tasks for him to do for me. When I lead,, sex with my Knight changes. He is totally and completely focused on whatever we are doing. He cuddles more, he seems less hesitant to make his wants known. We are closer.

Doing things for me makes my Knight happy. Somehow.. doing things for me gives him focus and purpose. I don't understand it.. but that seems to be the way he works. When I don't actively lead him, my Knight becomes preoccupied with figuring out what he can do for me next.. so preoccupied, in fact that he can barely concentrate on anything else.  The lack of directions seems to send him into a depression.

When I give all that energy some direction my Knight is a totally different guy.  I love how confident he becomes when I lead him.  I love that all it takes is a couple words from me for him to stop stressing let go of the worry. It doesn't matter what he's worried about... just a simple reminder that I have it.. and that I want him to do X, Y or Z is enough for him to let go and relax. When I lead my Knight, he becomes my rock when things around us are hectic. His calm confidence is a source of strength for me. When I lead him, my Knight seems confident and secure in my love, and in his place in my life.

When I lead him, I love the intimacy of knowing I have caused these changes in my Knight.

Talking, talking and MORE Talking

My Knight and I use a written set of rules to remind us each what is expected in terms of our flr. When I suspended the agreement back it....July - was it?..... I deleted our only copy of our old rules. Think of it as the equivalent of tearing up a contract.  So.. now I'm rewriting our rules.

As part of the at process I am asking my Knight (again) about motivations, reasons, wants, needs, ect.  I  remember why I was so frustrated with him, and questioning all this before.  

My Knight is using phrases like "it's better than the alternative", "I don't know that I do enjoy being controlled", "no, I don't have an underlying need or desire to be controlled. What I have is an underlying need to see you happy" , "sometimes it's okay, and sometimes it reminds me of my ex" ,   "I am happy and content with the flr",  "It works for us",   "How can I not enjoy it, we're not fighting all the time",  "I don't feel controlled, babe". 

Not a very convincing argument in favor of flr. Of course, his behavior is, as it's always been, very positive toward flr. 

During the conversation my Knight said to me something along the lines of,  "of course I enjoy it, it's better than the alternative, isn't it? You'd do the same thing" .....

And there's the issue... I would NOT do the same. If I were in his shoes and my choices were:

     1. Hand over almost total control to my partner           or

     

     2. Go back to the way things were  between us 18 months ago

I would choose neither. I would end the relationship. Divorce would be better than door number one, and door number two was miserable and unhappy. 

So.. when my Knight says to me "it's better than the alternative" what I'm hearing is .. "eh.. it's better/easier than a divorce."

Which is seriously NOT the same as liking the arrangement, or enjoying the flr dynamic. 

And that's my hang up. I'm not sure how to get around it, either.  I care very deeply about my Knight's happiness.  If he's not getting anything from flr except a lack of fighting and less stress... then I don't understand why he wanted to reinstate it.  I'm not going to suspend the flr again... I promised him I would leave it intact unless he said the states "I don't want the flr anymore." But, at the same time I need to understand his motivations here.. for my own peace of mind. I have no problem being the dominant partner and managing/controlling things. Over the last 18 months, I have found that I enjoy it most of the time. .... BUT ... I don't want it at the expense of his happiness or contentedness. 

At the same time... my Knight SEEMS happier, more secure, more confident, less stressed, more content, more open emotionally, when I am the dominant partner. There is a clear difference in him between when we do active flr, and when we don't. Even before I suspended the agreement.. when I occasionally and accidentally dropped it by no exerting my control, my Knight started slipping back to old ways. He  became lost. When I made the effort to regain that control, he was happier and more himself again. 

When I point that out to him, my Knight always says he doesn't see it.  But.. I see it.. heck the KIDS see the difference in him 

There is a part of me that wants... no..needs to know that my Knight wants the flr.. that he enjoys the arrangement and that it makes him happy and content. Yes, I have behavioral evidence. I'm not denying that. But...... if flr is only "better than the alternative"  then.. who is to say the positive changes I see in my Knight are not simply from lack of conflict and not directly flr related?  

Many readers will probably think I'm over-analyzing this... and maybe I am. But that's how my mind works. There is a reason for everything... every action.. every behavior. And in writing our new rules knowing the reasons why he wants this... knowing that he does want this... leads to different rules than simply agreeing to keep the peace. 

Getting Back Into the Swing of Things

Since we've reinstated our FLR, I've been trying to be very attentive to the whole "taking control thing." I think I've mentioned before that while I am a naturally dominant woman, it's difficult for me to allow that dominance to come through. Like a lot of woman I grew up hearing, "nice girls don't do that", and "oh.. honey, you can't tell a man what to do, he'll resent it." And of course there is an overwhelming amount of tv, literature and what-have-you that shows women to be either submissive to their man, or manipulating him to get what she wants. Rarely do you see a dominant woman who is straightforward and open about what she wants or expecting her man to submit to her,

Even at urm.. um..... 40something.... I still struggle with this early "programming."  But... I Like being in control. I always have. It's sexy to see a guy submit to his lady for no other reason than he is her man.

During our FLR break we were both miserable. My Knight was depressed. He felt like I no longer wanted him around at all. I was grumpy and unhappy because I felt like I was stuck doing everything for everybody again, with no help. We have a big family. There is a LOT of work to be done around here, and without guidance and instruction my Knight has a difficult time figuring out what needs his attention first. Now that we're back to FLR, I think we're both finding our equilibrium again.

Early last week I told my Knight that he was doing a good job getting back into the swing of FLR, and that I was happy with his efforts. I told him he'd earned some time with the mint massage oil. I make my own massage oils in various scents depending on purpose. My Knight enjoys being on the giving and receiving end of all of them, but he particularly likes the mint.  I don't use it often, but when I do he knows he's being rewarded for something.  I planned the mint massage for Thursday evening..... the same night we took our dog to the animal emergency room. So, obviously our time had to be postponed.  Things finally calmed down enough last night that I felt up to giving my Knight a bit of focused minty attention. It was awkward, and my Knight seemed a little withdrawn and hesitant- not at all as focused and responsive as he usually is during such massage times. Probably because it's been a couple months since we've had anything but simple vanilla sex. But, even so I enjoyed teasing and playing, both of us knowing full well that I was not going to let him release. As I was getting ready to end the massage and tell him it was time to sleep, my Knight hesitantly turned the tables, bringing me to  several strong  orgasms. We fell asleep feeling closer than we have since I suspended the FLR a few months ago. Today, he's done everything I expected of him, even completing the list I texted to him before I went on-stage for my orchestra concert.  I've missed this... and I hope it doesn't take us long to get fully back into the swing of things.

Stuck in a Circle

You would think that with the teenager gone my Knight and I would be using our temporary free evenings to play and experiment with the more D/s aspects of this FLR we started.

You'd be wrong. The teenager has been gone for nearly a week and we've not done anything different than we usually do. I've spent a good portion of the day today mulling over the reasons for this. It's not my Knight's doing - he's pretty consistent in his daily routine, and in the evenings that routine involves checking in with me for further instructions after just about every activity. My Knight doesn't always do the right thing, but I believe he tries.

So....if the reasons for our lack of experimentation don't involve my Knight, then there is only one other place to look. That would be me.

I am still hesitant to experiment and push things to see how far my Knight wants to take this.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm still not convinced this is what my Knight wants. I still question whether he agreed to this because he wanted it, or to keep the peace and avoid divorce that was looming over our heads a year ago. I'm questioning whether or not this was the right path for us..... I'm questioning whether or not I"m "doing it right" (which boils down to whether or not I'm giving my Knight the guidance and direction he wants from me). I'm wondering how I can be a better leader for my Knight.. And wondering what he wants from this arrangement.

Which brings us right back to the lack of communication issue.

Each time I talk to my Knight about what he wants from our FLR arrangement he says almost the same thing. "I want you to be happy."

Now, I get that wanting to see me happy is a big motivator for him. BUT I still believe there is a personal motivation behind him wanting this, and THAT is what I want to know. Nobody is an empty slate.. we all have needs, and desires that we hope our partner will fulfill. Why won't my Knight share his with me? The fact that he continues to avoid sharing with me causes me to question if this is really what he wants. It's a never-ending circle. One that I really must find a way out of.

I suppose I could make assumptions and educated guesses about my Knight's motivations and act accordingly. I know him pretty well,and usually my guesses are right, or very close. But if I guess wrong I could end up hurting his feelings and damaging the trust between us. I don't want to do that. I've come to a place where I actually want him around again. I look forward to spending time with him. I'm starting to depend on my Knight again, and I don't want to do anything that might inadvertently put us back where we were a year ago. So, getting him to share his personal reasons for wanting this, and finding out where he wants it to go is kind of important.

Which puts me back on the hamster wheel because he won't tell me.

And yet.. I get the feeling that my Knight is waiting for me to bump the intensity up a bit with my teenager gone. Okay, I'm not unwilling, but it's a bit tough to know which way to increase the intensity if he won't tell me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I never expected this to be simple, but I did expect some input from my Knight.

More of the Same

Lately..the last couple weeks, I suppose, I seem to be getting a little bit of resistance from my Knight when it comes to following my instructions. Nothing major.. no outright refusals or anything.  But, a lot of "oops, I forgot" and "oh.. I thought that changed when X happened - I didn't know you still wanted me to do it"  kind of moments. It's annoying, frustrating and just a bit discouraging.

There was an incident yesterday where my I asked my Knight to drop off a huge bag of books to one of the charity based 2nd hand stores... again. These books have been in the back of our van for 3 weeks, waiting to be donated. Yesterday I reminded him for the -who knows how many-th time to drop them off on his way home from work. The donation site is less than one mile from his office so, really.. this is NOT a huge deal.. just get it done. Well.. once again it didn't get done. My Knight's "explanation"?

"I wasn't sure you still wanted me to make the stop since we're taking the kids to the lake."

Um. Yeah. Whatever. That makes no sense.. since I never said:

•  don't don't take the books for donation
•  I never said "come straight home" 
• we are in email contact all day long. There is NEVER a time during his day at work where he is unable to send me an email. He could have easily emailed and asked.
• Ditto for text.
• I sent him an email about mid-way through the day to remind him to drop off the books. 

And then.. last Sunday there was the breakfast bickering. My Knight got up late, and then spent 35 minutes following me around the house asking what I wanted for breakfast. Quite frankly, I wanted to go get my shower so I could get ready for church. But instead ended up standing in our kitchen discussing breakfast choice that could not have cared less about.. and Yes, I told him "I don't care.. just make something, I'm going up to take my shower."   My Knight started talking about running out to the store for something or other and it stopped me in my tracks. We were getting ready for church. The 6 of us had to be out the door and in the van in 20 minutes, if we were to make it on-time. We did not have the time for him to run to the store. After wasting another 5 minutes going in circles I finally told him never mind. I'll make my own breakfast that day.... and every day from here on out - not to bother. And then I went upstairs for a quick shower.

Interestingly enough.. when I came back down, my Knight had made breakfast, AND the tea he had totally forgotten about. And he has made breakfast for me everyday this week. 

It's these little things that make me go back to wondering if my Knight really wants FLR, or if he's just agreed to go along with this to save our marriage a year ago. I find myself wondering if he's doing some sort of passive-aggressive protest bs over specific requests of mine..

I realize that's a question none of you can answer... that I need to ask HIM. And I have.. many, many times. Each time he tells me the same.. "Yes, I want this." My Knight was excited and thrilled to receive his ring. That ring has not come off his finger once since I presented him with it. If I even suggest we take a break from FLR for a while my Knight tells me that's not what he wants.. that he's happy with and likes the way things are.  Heck.. every time I remind him that finances, or our social obligations, or planning things, or even scheduling when he will finish writing projects,  are no longer his concern - that is job now is just to do 

as I ask him,  he answers with "do you have any idea how much I love you" or something similar.  

Granted...... I have not asked him if he still wants FLR since I give him the ring, but as you can see from the breakfast episode, the mere mention of   "I'll do it myself" caused him to get over whatever his issue was and get the job done. And.. after he didn't drop off those books yesterday I sent him an email this morning asking if it would be better if I just went back to doing everything myself.  He dropped those books off on his way home tonight.

But... at the same time, my Knight has pulled the passive aggressive crap on me before. Saying he'll do something and then not following through because he really doesn't want to.. he just agreed to avoid an argument. Granted.. that was before the FLR agreement when we were both still pretty angry with each other, but .... it makes me wonder. 

I've asked my Knight to keep a journal of his feelings and thoughts regarding FLR, us, and life in general. But, he doesn't write init very often. Actually, he was really good about it for the first week or so, and then just stopped... when I asked him about it, he claimed lack of time. So, I carved out 45 minutes each evening for journal writing. But, he always seems to find a way to fill that time with something he "forgot" or "didn't have time" to do earlier in the day. 

I am looking at my Knight's actions and I see one of two possibilities here.. 1. He really is not into this whole FLR thing and is just trying to keep the peace  or 2. He's trying to get me to be more strict with him.

A third possibility would be that he really IS that forgetful.... but I don't think so. 

Could it be that my Knight is still so caught up in not wanting to displease me that it is still causing him to go in circles? That my insistence that I didn't care what we ate for breakfast on Sunday sent him into a tailspin of wondering what I *really* wanted?  And that finding out we were going to the lake when he got home made him wonder if I really wanted him to delay getting home by dropping off those books...and since he couldn't decide he did nothing?

But in the case of the books, why not just email me and be done with it?  A quick email asking is a heck of a lot more efficient than stressing and wondering. 

When I ask him these questions, he tells me likes the FLR arrangement --that he feels calmer and less stressed knowing I have everything under control. And I believe him. About the other possibilities, he tells me he doesn't know... or he's not sure.. or..... tries to change the subject.  Leaving me wondering what do do next. 

I never expected this transition to be an easy one. But I did expect to get some input from my Knight about what works best for him, and most importantly WHY. I have *got* to get him comfortable with talking about FLR and his own submissive tendencies.  I keep saying I'm going to try "conversation by cock tease" but, when it comes down to it I always feel so .... manipulative doing that. I've done it twice with mixed results. The first time my Knight answered everything I asked him. The second time he wasn't very forthcoming with answers. And both times, I felt like I unfairly manipulated  and took advantage of him. Even though we talked about the 'conversation by cock tease" approach, and he knew what I was doing, and he's told me more than once  "do whatever you feel you need to keep me on track"  I still felt like crap for manipulating him like that, and I haven't done it since. 

Maybe the whole manipulation issue is a whole different blog post.

Moving Things Forward?.....Maybe

I'm thinking about adding a little fantasy play to our life. My Knight and I have always talked about our fantasies, sometimes I write out fantasy scenes for him, other times I've started writing a scene and handed it off to him to add to. We'll pass a story back and forth like that for a couple weeks, each adding bits and pieces that interest us. I've found it a great way to share fantasies and learn about each other.

I've always known that my Knight would like to include the occasional playmate in our bedroom gymnastics. He was open about this desire even while we were dating, and promised me that he would never touch another woman without my permission. He's been true to his word. I enjoy using this particular fantasy to play and tease him. We have an ongoing story about some cute blonde that I made up years ago. It's not about him getting to screw another woman, it's about seeing me pleasured in many different ways with different people, it's about watching and being watched and making several women very content. I've always been open to the idea, but not until I felt we were solid enough to handle it.. and not until I was certain that my Knight would follow the rules I set out for him. The most important of which is "no communication with any other woman I bring into our bedroom without me being there."

See, my first husband cheated on me with an old high school friend after telling me they were "just friends", then he cheated on me with a couple of strangers,too. The first time I forgave him for the simple reason that I was his first. The day I found out about  the 2nd and 3rd times I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. I've also seen many seemingly solid, and close relationships fall apart when a playmate was introduced. That's not a chance I want to take with my Knight.  So, even though the idea of supervised playing wasn't off the table completely I have been cautious.

A good bit over a year ago, an old boyfriend dropped into my life out of nowhere. He ended up living in the studio apartment that is part of our house. And he ended up in our bed. It was my Knight's idea. He asked if I wanted to sleep with my friend and told me it was okay if I did. At first, I was against the idea.I didn't want to start something that could end badly. But my Knight encouraged me and eventually I warmed up to the idea. The old boyfriend certainly didn't object, and in fact, was very much open to the idea and it wasn't long before he was joining us in bed regularly. My Knight mentioned that it would be okay with him if the old boyfriend and I took off by ourselves occasionally to play, but somehow that just did not feel right to me,and so we never did. After a few months the old boyfriend no longer wanted to be included in our games, and we moved to a "just friends" relationship. My Knight and I discussed the possibility of me finding another guy to bring to our bed. I never ruled the idea out, but I haven't seriously acted on it, either.

We've been doing FLR for just under a year now and my Knight is trying very hard to meet my expectations. Most of the struggles we've had starting this journey have been my issues, not his. I struggle with my own perceptions of "fairness" and with trying to understand the "submissive mindset" I enjoy our FLR lifestyle, but still question how and why and even IF my Knight is truly happy in our arrangement. But again.. those are my hang ups, not his. And I think that maybe...just maybe  it's time for me to set up a short but fun scene for him. I'm still concerned about the after affects of such an action, but I'm pretty sure my Knight will follow the rules and I believe putting him in a surprise situation (one that we've talked about before) will help reinforce the trust between us, and his place in my life.

Now.. to put the details together.

Getting More Comfortable

I tried to give my Knight a break from chores and household duties yesterday. Family tradition dictates that on holidays that center on a specific person (ie Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays) the person being honored is excused from typical daily chores.

We had a nice day. The kids made breakfast for both of us and served us in bed. My 16 yr old came to me the night before and asked me to "sleep in a little" because "if you get up, he'll get up. But if you get up late, he'll get up late and the kids are making breakfast." So my Knight didn't have to make breakfast yesterday.

After the kids brought breakfast and coffee into us I decided I didn't want us eating on the bed, so I moved us all out to the kitchen table. After breakfast we all took off to get ready for church. We usually skip church on holidays but my 16 yr old was interviewing for a position as a daycare provider with the church nursery.

After church I put dinner in the oven to cook early so that my Knight and kids could eat dinner while they watched the concert my teen and I were playing in at a park that evening. Then, I went to lie down before the concert.  When I told my Knight I was lying down he automatically asked " Do you want me to come with you?"  I told him to work it out with the kids.   A few minutes after I went in, my Knight joined me. While we were lying down my teen kept an eye on dinner and the younger kids did their chores. Shortly, it was time to get up and get ready for our concert.

It all sounds pretty unremarkable, and it was, except in hindsight. During everything, my Knight's attention was focused on me. Even as the kids and I took over my Knight's household chores, his attention stayed focused on me.  At one point during the day, I found myself looking for things I could ask him to do for me because he seemed unsure what to do with himself.  So, I gave him some extra computer time. I hoped he'd take it upon himself to get caught up on some writing, but I didn't specify and he blew 45 min on Facebook---Lesson learned. Next time I will tell him to go write for 45 min. Then I had him pull something from my sax case, fix an earring for me, check the fluids in the car.  I asked him to help haul equipment from the band room to the concert site so that I didn't have to. And, of course he carried my sax and music for me and hauled coolers and food to and from the car.

I had him do these things not because I was trying to make him work, but because I know my Knight enjoys doing things for me. It makes him happy, gives him a purpose, and ... I think....... gives him a sense of contentment.

My point here is that a year ago, I would have insisted on doing most, if not all those things myself because it was Father's Day and he should "take the day off" but, this year, instead of putting my Knight through a "forced vacation" I found things he could do just for me. In the past, as we lie in bed at night my Knight has always apologized to me saying that I should not have gotten stuck with dishes.. cooking.. whatever. Last night, however, he seemed content to curl up with me on our bed and watch a movie that I let him choose. He didn't try to make it up to me, or apologize for what he didn't do that day. For the first time in all the years we've been together he didn't seem to be mad at himself at the end of a holiday.