Friday, May 27, 2016

More on the Freezing thing..

Here's another good example of what I've been talking about. This is pretty representative of what happens:

I like to write erotica. I don't consider myself a fantastic erotica writer, but I'm good enough to have had been paid for more than a few published pieces. In fact, way back when I was a single mom erotica writing regularly contributed to my income. When knight and I moved in together I slowly stopped selling to  erotica magazines and websites because I was busy with other things, and with his income we didn't need the money my erotica writing brought in. But, I never stopped writing it. The focus of my stories changed from what sold, to what he and I both enjoyed. I wrote primarily for him, and shared my stories with a handful or so of select people.  It was fun and a turn on for both of us.

We're both writers, and I thought it might be fun to write a sexy story together, round robin style. When I asked knight about it, he said it sounded like a neat idea. So I started a story and emailed it to my knight. I invited him to add a few lines and send it back to me.


Two days later I hadn't gotten the story back. I waited a week before I said something about it. He said he had gotten busy and forgotten about it. He apologized and told me he'd play with it the following week. I suggested we pull the story out and mess it with  over the weekend, after kids were in bed. He agreed, said it sounded fun, and then it never happened.

Sometime during the next week he sent me the story back. He'd added less than a paragraph, and the sentences he did add were.... let's just say it seemed like he didn't spend much time on them.

I added another paragraph and sent it back to him. Same thing. He was obviously not into it.

I tried talking to him about it, and he assured me that he *was* into writing the joint story, but that he was having trouble with it. He asked me to start another one.

So, I did. This time I purposely left my first paragraph generic so it could go just about anywhere. The idea was to let him lead the story and see where he wanted to take it.


No answer. At all.

When I talked to him, he said he was tunnel visioned on something and apologized.

A month later, still nothing. So, I dropped it. He was obviously not interested.

Knight liked what I was writing, or at least he said he did, so I continued to write for him. And, I continued sharing my stories with a handful of people. Whether my knight really liked what I was writing or at least he said he did. I suppose I'll never really know, but I absolutely do know that the friends I was sharing the writing with absolutely loved it. In fact it was so popular that a few people asked to share my writing with other friends, and pretty soon I had friends-of-friends emailing to ask if I would write a custom story for them. My knight didn't mind, and it was a turn on for me, so I did. I always shared what I'd written with him just to keep everything above board, so to speak. He liked some of the stories, and didn't like others, just like anything else I write.

Every so often I'd try sending him another round robin story starter because the idea of writing erotica with him was really hot. I wrote him stories based on his fantasies, and on mine.. I bought erotica for us to read together, and asked him to do the same, but it never happened. 

Eventually I stopped writing for him (but continued writing for others) because he just didn't seem all that into it. I was kind of sad, because it's something that is really fun for me, and tends to get me going, and I wanted to share that with him. I've never had what could be considered a super strong sex drive, but writing and reading erotica always puts me in the mood. But, it didn't seem like he was interested, so I stopped trying to force the issue, but told him if he wanted to write something with me, to let me know.

That was a couple years ago.. I still write erotica, but I haven't shared any with him in years because of his lack of interest.

A few weeks ago, the topic came up. We were talking about fun things we used to do together that we don't anymore. I mentioned the attempt at joint stories and asked him what it was about it that he didn't like.

His answer was that he liked it just fine, loved reading what I had written for him and for others, liked the idea of reading stories by other authors together. Then he told me that he'd gotten a huge kick out of the fact that I was a published erotica writer, and equally loved knowing I was writing sexy stories for our friends. He said he loved the joint story, round robin thing, too, and that he missed it a lot when I stopped sharing that with him. 

So, of course, the obvious question is ...........then why did you show so little interest when I was doing it?

His answer?  He didn't know. He couldn't figure out what I wanted him to write, what I wanted to hear, or what I wanted to read, and trying to figure it out simply paralyzed him, so he did nothing. He said that he never picked a story for us to read together because he didn't want to pick something I'd hate. He didn't want to react too much to the stories I wrote because he didn't know what kind of reaction I wanted from him.

Sigh......and 10 years later.. we still have the same issue--- he freezes when he doesn't know/understand *exactly* what I want. And I can't get him to understand that when I ask him a question, or ask his opinion, I want HIS opinion. I want his honest reaction when I do or say a thing. I don't what him to sugar coat it, I don't want to be humored. And I certainly don't want him to freeze because he's trying to figure out how I expect him to react. I've lost count of the number of times he's told me that he can't tell me what he thinks about something until I tell him what I want to do about it. It's maddening.





Ugh.....

Frustration is setting in again. My knight is overwhelmed with a project at work, and still depressed and feeling helpless because of the situation with my step-son. His refusal (or inability) to take solid action regarding the step-son situation almost split us up. He felt backed into a corner by people who are "supposed" to be helping our teen, but who, in reality are causing unneeded stress within our family, and making things worse. They are completely ignoring the law in our situation, and I thought we should hire a lawyer, but one of the people involved with my step-son's care told us that if we hired a lawyer it would make us look like we thought we needed legal representation, and make us look "guilty." (of what, exactly, I am not sure.)  My Knight was afraid to speak out, hesitant to hire a lawyer, and afraid stand up for himself with these people, and the stress on me and the other kids was becoming over the top. I was continually telling my Knight that he needed to stand up for us, and hire a lawyer but he refused to do as I asked because he was afraid of backlash from the doctors and psychologist who are supposed to be helping our son. That was reasonable, considering the backlash from an incompetent psychiatrist is what caused the mess to begin with. (Lesson learned.. NEVER file a complaint against a psychiatrist if there is ANY chance your kid might see that dr. again.. EVER)

It finally came down to an ultimatum. I told my knight that if he didn't agree to hire a lawyer to deal with these people for us, that I was taking the other 2 kids and moving to another state where we wouldn't have to deal with this mess because the stress was just to much. Then, I gave him one week to take action.In that week, I did some job hunting, and found a couple potential houses for my kids and I in the new state. I picked this specific state and town because it's only 1 hour away from where we are now, and the laws regarding natural medicine and Naturopathy are significantly different. I am a degreed Naturopath, but I can't practice in the state we live in because of licensing laws. I CAN practice in the next state over.. In fact, I can be a primary care provider and even take insurance in the next state over. -- which means that supporting my kids, and starting over if necessary would not be a problem.

Two days later we had appointments to interview 4 lawyers, and four days later we hired a lawyer.

The lawyer has taken a lot of the pressure off of us, and stopped the harassment we were receiving. But, of course the situation is not over, and and the struggles between knight and I are not over.  We've been struggling for years.

Why?

Lack of communication.

That's it in a nutshell. He and I don't communicate well. Let me rephrase that.... HE does not communicate well.. hell, he barely talks to me about anything important at all. He goes to great lengths not to react to things, and to keep his emotions  hidden from everyone. Even me. It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative, he hides how he feels.

A big part of that is his on-going depression. And I've come to the conclusion that second biggest reason for his lack of communication is his tendency toward being submissive.

What do I mean? Take last weekend, for example -- We have a running list that I keep for my knight of things I need him to accomplish. When there is something I need him to  do, I add it to the list. If I need it done by a certain time or date, I add a deadline. The ap we use allows me to add notes, pictures, or files to the task item. When knight finishes the task, he crosses it off the list.

Simple, right?

It is.. except knight makes it difficult because he can't prioritize between items on the list and not on the list..

Several weeks ago, I added three items to his list: fix the molding by our bedroom door, haul something heavy out to the car for me, so I could donate it, and hang a pull up bar for my son.   These items had a deadline of end of the day the following Sunday.

Again, simple, right?

These task items remained undone for over a month.

The first time he missed the deadline, I tried to talk to my knight about why these things went undone. His answer was (once again) that in his head what I ask of him NOW, takes priority over what's on the list. Then he went on to say that he spent all weekend doing what I wanted him to do, and there was no time left to do things on the list. The way he phrased it made it sound like I kept him so busy all weekend that he didn't have time to do what was on the list.


I got angry because that's really not true at all. We went hiking together, and  he burned trash. That was all I asked of him all weekend. He spent the majority of his time either following me around, getting me random stuff that he thought I wanted (Example: you look like you want something to drink.. here, let me get you some tea),  or sitting/standing next to me. When I pointed that out to him, Knight's answer was he was doing those things because he thought it was what I wanted. He told me that he couldn't just leave me and go off to do the items on his list.. it was his job to be right there when and if I wanted him, which meant that he couldn't be outside hanging the pull up bar, in the hall, or hauling thing to the car because I might want something while he was gone and then he wouldn't be doing his "job"


 Does anyone else see the problem here? 

So.. let me just say.. that I have NEVER.. and I do mean NEVER expected him to be at my beck and call like that.I've never asked for that. I am, by nature, very independent, and not at all prima donna-ish. Not saying that it's a bad thing, but that it's just not ME.   Plus, I've made it very clear to him that if I take the time to put it on his list, then it's important, and I want/need it done by the deadline, no matter what.

We have the same problem with sharing emotions, fantasies etc.. you know.. all that stuff that brings a couple closer together and creates real intimacy.. yeah.. does not typically  happen.. More often than not, I will make the attempt and he will come back with something along the lines of "whatever makes you happy, babe." or " I want what you want," or  any number of phrases that boil down to he will do whatever it is that I want.

Dude that DOES NOT HELP.

I understand that in his mind his sole purpose seems to be to "make (me) happy" and to "give (me) what (I) want."

I get that... That's WHY we are doing the flr thing.. because he gets anxious and totally freezes up without my constant guidance.

But getting caught up in his own head so damned much that he can't accomplish a simple task like hanging a pull up bar for my teenager is taking things to the extreme.  And I can't find a way to pull him out of his head long enough to find out what he needs.

Yes. He feels helpless to help his son, he's angry about the idiots involved with his son's care,  he's depressed, he's not sure what to do about us, he's tired of us fighting, and wants peace and closeness between us. And, he's stressed and worried about this project at work.

I understand all that. I'm in the same place--including the work project. He's screwed it up enough that I'm concerned his job might be in danger. If *I* were his boss, I would fire him if he misses this deadline because missing this deadline will cost the company a whole lot of money.

But.........he's making things worse between us and *causing* us to argue when he does things like the other weekend (and every weekend since... including LAST weekend.)

With the work project very quickly blowing up in his face, I have let him pretty much off the hook for all household responsibilities during the week, and I've limited my requests to things he can do in an hour or less on Saturday and Sunday. So, for example, this past weekend, I asked him to cook dinner on Saturday, put laundry away and burn trash on Sunday.  The kids and I are doing everything else. I'm trying to help reduce stress, not cause more.

I've tried backing off completely and mostly letting him be.  He decided I was mad at him.

I've suggested he go into work early, and work late.. I've suggested he work part of the weekends to give him the extra time he needs to get this project done by the deadline.. Hell, I've even offered to go into the office on Saturday with him so he didn't have to sit in that office alone. (I would not be the only spouse to go hang out in the office.. they are pretty laid back about it, and in fact, I'm the spouse who is in the office the least. Plus, I do side work for the same company, so I even have a reason to be there.. )

He asked me why I didn't want him around in the evening.. then he told me that if he worked late he wouldn't be home if I needed him in the evening, and that was unacceptable to him.. But, what I *really* need from him, is to get this stupid project done on-time.   (in his defense.. this really was a project for three or four people with the time they gave him. But, it's a small company, and he's the only one with the database skills to get the job done.--- at the same time, he knew the scope of the project when he took it on, and knew it would take extra hours to complete.-- he should have been working late and going in early this whole time.. but again, he fought the idea. )

Maybe things will get better, and he'll be less anxious when this project is over.. but in reality we've dealt with this for years.This project is only the latest..