Sunday, January 5, 2014

Learning Experience.

We were not even a full week into the restarted flr when we had problems. My Knight is supposed to bring his daily task list to me before bed each evening so that we can go over it together. He did not do that even once. When I said something I was told, "I got everything done. What's the point?"  Um.. the point is that 1. it's part of the rules, and 2. you frequently do NOT complete your task list.

That was on Monday, I believe. Repeat on Tuesday.

I should have punished him Monday night, instead of explaining the reason for the rule and giving him another chance. Same for Tuesday. Lesson learned. 

Wednesday was New Year's Day. There wasn't an actual task list, my Knight simply did what I told him to.

The real problem started on Thursday. My Knight was supposed to fix our magnetic stove hotplate thing. The fan needed replaced, and he bought the parts earlier that week. I needed the hotplate to teach a class on Saturday.  There were other things on the list, but this was the big one. Our plans were twisted around a bit on Thursday evening, and I had my Knight take the kids to an activity while I stayed home to work. The expectation was that he fix the hot plate when he got back.

and.. again, Thursday night my Knight did not bring his written list to me for inspection before we went to bed. Had he done so the following problem would have been avoided.

Friday went on pretty uneventfully until the evening. At 7, my Knight took the kids to our Friday evening activity while I stayed home to prepare for my class the next day.

When I turned on the hot plate for a test run it overheated. I was making an herbal syrup, and the hot plate needed to be on for about an hour. It overheated after 15 minutes because my Knight had not replaced the parts.

I'm not so mechanically inclined, so I prepared my class notes while I waited for Knight and the kids to get home. After the kids went to bed I chewed Knight out for not fixing the hot plate the night before..and then I told him to fix it "right now."  Which he did. It took him all of 10 minutes.

Except that the fan he bought wasn't strong enough to do the job well enough. The hot plate overheated after about half an hour. Not good enough. I wanted to make a batch of this herbal syrup during the class, and it would take about an hour for the liquid to simmer down to the correct concentration.

I was already angry because the hot plate was not fixed on Thursday, as I had requested. My Knight's attitude of "oh well, nothing I can do now" just pissed me off. (It was after 11 pm at this point. He could not go out and get a stronger fan)  I was stuck in the position of having to completely rewrite my class because making the herbal syrup was a main component. The more my Knight talked and tried to explain away his lack of follow through, the more angry

The bottom line was simple.. if he had fixed the hot plate on Thursday, as requested, I could have tested it during the day on Friday. I would have found that the fan was not strong enough and he could have bought a stronger fan and installed it after work on Friday. Pretty simple really. But, because he dropped the ball on Thursday, I had extra work to do before Saturday morning.

Knight tried to tell me that he didn't have time to fix the fan on Thursday because he took kids to their activity that evening. Um..NO. Activity did not start until 7 pm. Knight gets home from work at 5pm. Besides, the activity was over and they were home by 930 pm. We didn't go to bed Thursday night until after midnight. We stayed up watching Dr. Who. So.. he had plenty of time to spend 10 minutes fixing the hot plate.  Further, he didn't come to me with his task list Thursday night so I didn't know the task was undone.

In the end, my class was a huge success, but it was not the class I wanted it to be.

Friday night and Saturday morning, I was still very.... very angry with my Knight. I reminded him that *this* was the sort of thing we went to flr in order to avoid. He has rules and tasks specifically because this sort of thing is unacceptable to me. I should not have to scramble to fix things, situations, or relationships that he breaks by forgetting or not following through. I talked to him and explained why I was so angry.. that if he had simply followed his list.. AND/OR the rules we have in place, none of this would have happened. I was, once again, stuck fixing his fuck up. Every time I tried to talk to him, my Knight tried to blame me with , "well, you're the one who asked me to take the kids to their activity this week."  Yes, I did. but the expectation was that you would still fix the hot plate.

We went round and round. I finally gave up and went to bed alone.

The issue caused so much stress that I had a massive headache all day Saturday and most of today. I hold most of my stress in my neck and shoulders.. so much so that the tensed muscles actually pull the vertebrae in my neck out of alignment. That causes headaches so severe that I have vision problems and nausea.

Yesterday morning, my Knight wanted my approval and instructions for everything. He stood in the kitchen and waited for me to give him instructions. It was the most annoying thing, because frankly, I didn't want to talk to him, deal with him, or even see him at all. I was considering if I even wanted to continue our relationship because I don't see a lot of change happening.

At some point during the morning, my Knight muttered something under his breath. All I heard was "don't agree." I asked him to repeat himself. At first, he refused, but I told him that I was already questioning the flr and our marriage, and that ignoring me was just going to piss me off further.  Sheepishly, Knight said that he didn't agree that this was his fault.

I said to him, "Did you bring me your list on Thursday night before bed?"

He answered, "No, I forgot."

I replied with, "And is is written in our rules that you are to bring me your handwritten list for review before bed each night?"

"Yes," he said.

I told him, "If you had done so, this would have been caught sooner, and I would not be facing the possibility of cancelling a class that I have been planning for months."

His attitude seemed to change right there. 

We went about our day, and my knight spent a good amount of time kissing up. He basically followed me around offering to do things for me, taking packages from my hands, and trying to carry things for me. It would have been sweet, had I not still been angry with him. 

He went to the airport to get my daughter, I went to teach my class, and I got a break from him, and some distance.

When he returned, I was still angry with him, but had decided to give him yet another chance. We've been dealing with this same type of issue for the last 10 years. We found a solution in flr once... we had 2 years of awesome when we followed a strict flr. I want that back again.

Then, yesterday afternoon, I remembered something I read when I was first learning about flr.  Someone (I do not remember who) said something to the effect of: If a dominant is doing a good job leading her submissive, she will have absolutely no reason to be angry or upset with him. His mistakes should be viewed as learning opportunity for the dominant.

Then, I just felt guilty. If my Knight's failure to follow his lists is my fault, then I am a really rotten dominant.

I started to question myself.. "Am I a bad dominant"? I've been mulling this over for the last 24 hours or so. I've come to the conclusion that No.. I am not a bad dominant. I am an "uncomfortable and unsure dominant."

I should have punished my Knight for not presenting his list to me that very first evening. Instead I reminded him of the rule, and gave him another chance.  I should have punished my Knight on Friday night when I realized he had not fixed the hot plate on Thursday, and had not brought me his list on Thursday night and for causing me extra work and stress.

Punishing him would have been more effective, less stressful, and may have  brought us closer together in the end. Instead we argued and fought and snipped at each other Friday night, and most of the day Saturday.




15 comments:

  1. Call him over, explain what he did wrong and how that stops both of you from enjoying each other. Punish him anyway, but tell him you may pubnish him two more times depending on how things go from there.

    I think he will get the message.

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  2. I think you have reached the correct conclusion. His deficiencies need to be corrected and punishment exacted on the spot, not wait and let feelings simmer and get out of hand. Remember, his job in the FLR is to make your life easier. Anything he does that fails that litmus test needs to be corrected immediately. Not sure if he is just lazy or is testing your resolve. Whatever, you need to get tough and get him under control.

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    1. I don't know what his deal is either. He is obviously sorry for causing me so much stress this weekend.He was still kissing up last night. It would seem to me that it would be much easier.. much more pleasant to do what is expected the first time, instead of ignoring tasks and ticking me off. I have a temper. I am not a "nice" pissed off person. I don't believe in sugar coating things, especially when I'm angry. Pushing me to that point is just......dumb. Especially when I'm fairly easy to please in the first place. I don't expect to much from him. But, I do expect him to complete his daily task list, and follow our rules without me having to remind or otherwise check up on him.
      Today's list is a lot more strict and involves more than his usual lists.

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  3. I don't know if this pertains but I once spoke with a college dean at a pretty conservative school. He told me that his view of the college rules where set in place, partly so that students would 'bang into them'. He felt that they needed to see and feel that wall - of what was permitted and what wasn't. If no wall is felt, no boundary will be wrestled with. You put up a wall - give me your list nightly. He didn't do that but he also didn't feel that 'wall' on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc.

    I find it somewhat hard to sympathize with your anger when you failed to correct him immediately. Maybe the next time he 'forgets' he should be made to immediately go and get his list for you to review, and then pay some kind of price for his neglect. Something uncomfortable that he encourage him (I'm using tactful words here) to remember the following night.

    We all make mistakes but we all need leadership to teach us properly.

    Love you honesty. I can feel your frustration.

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    1. I shouldn't have to "correct" him. He is a 47 year old man. He should do what's required, because that's what adults do. That's what partners do.. even partners in a power play relationship do what is required....or the whole thing falls apart. He had a list. He has a list of rules that he is expected to follow. Lists are kept in his email, (and mine), and our rules are kept on a Google Doc.. so both are accessible to both of us any time. The way I see it, there is no excuse for him to not do as asked/expected/required. My Knight and i are well past the "let's see what we can get away with" stage of life. He just turned 47, and I am 43. I was so angry with him over the weekend, that I had a pretty constant image in my head of me beating his ass with just about anything within arms reach. Not only do i not want to be that person. I don't believe corporal punishment does very much to change behavior. My parents spanked me.. and not once did my behavior change because of a spanking. Really, all it did was to make me more determined to "do it right" IOW.. get away with it.. the next time.

      I guess the bottom line here is that I expect my Knight to live up to his promise to obey me..... at least 99% of the time. Mistakes happen. But they should be the exception - not the rule.

      Today when I sent him his daily task list, it was much more strict than it ever has been. He is not coming to our writer's group with me this evening. He is going to stay home and do chores. One of which is to clean our downstairs bathroom because he didn't clean out the sink this morning after he shaved.

      I appreciate your suggestions. I've learned a lot from you about what my Knight needs, and how to do this.

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    2. I agree, you shouldn't have to deal with the day to day disobedience, ignoring of your expectations, but the fact remains, he is still doing it. Maybe he needs to be broken - that was my point. Make him abide by your rules. For example, from now on, don't dare let him come to bed unless chores are done. Period. I had a teacher once tell me 'pain is a much stronger motivator than pleasure'. It needn't not be severe 'pain' but enough to know that you are serious and won't be caving anymore. I do hope you two make it. It saddens me to even think that you questioned your marital relationship. I hope that the frustrations you have will point you to wise solutions.

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  4. yes, it is certainly uncomfortable for you, but I advise you to act like a parent with a child. He needs to be punished for his own good. To grow, he needs to really feel your authority, not your distress.
    when my wife is angry against me, I need a punishment. it reassures me and everything is in order.

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  5. Michel, You've hit the nail on the head. "Act like a parent with a child." THAT is exactly my problem. His not my child. He's my husband... he is 47 years old. I expect him to act like an adult, not a child. That means, when I tell him to do something, I expect him to freaking do it. Not play "let's see you make me" games. Honestly, all 6 of my kids..even my autistic 12 year old stepson listens better than my husband does most of the time.

    Keeping your word, and following through is something we learn as children. Flr should not be about me having to raise my husband.

    I don't mind giving him daily task lists, making all the decisions, managing our budget, planning yearly goals for each of us, and planning how those goals will be met, and all the other things I do. In fact, I've found that I like being in charge of our family, relationship, finances, and home. But I do mind having to punish my husband as if he were a child. I expect him to follow his daily task list, and complete those items that are routinely expected of him, and follow the rules of our flr. without me having to "check up" on him. Why add extra stress and activity to my day. He knows what's expected. Just do it.

    Am I looking at this wrong?

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  6. As I read your blog it is most apparent that yours is an unusual flr. Most blogs I read the guy is wanting to submit because they are so besotted with their wives and they want to do anything they can to 'prove' their devotion to their spouses. I don't really get that impression here.
    As you have said many times, your Knight doesn't even seem to want to admit that he wants an flr at all, all he wants is for you to be happy. I think on one hand you are right in that you shouldn't be letting him get away with things, if you want to be the one in control you do need to show that you are in control. I know that's hard, but there's nothing more frustrating than a dominant who won't dominate. Except perhaps a sub who won't submit...
    On the other hand, it does sound a lot like your Knight is kind of immature. Which is a shame, and not something easily fixed I fear. If you do want to 'fix' him, I suspect you need to really pull your boots up and be the domme you need to be, otherwise I fear you are just going to put yourself through a lot of heartache and frustration and perhaps still ultimately come to the conclusion that you need to start over.
    I hope you don't take offence at this, I wish you all the best.

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  7. I am not easily offended, and I appreciate your honest opinion.

    Maybe you're right. Maybe the problem here is the maturity level of my Knight... actually, that makes sense to me and it's something I've thought of before. If he was truly submissive we would not be having all these dumb problems, would we? He would do what I asked of him, meet his responsibilities, and be happy to do it. But, it seems as if he fights me at every turn. He claims he's not fighting me... says he's trying to do as I ask, then, when he does not complete list items or responsibilities, he blames me or the situation.. "there wasn't enough time," "It wasn't written down" (even when he remembers me saying it.. it's his responsibility to write it down at that point). The bottom line is that he is fighting me and making things difficult, whether he wants to admit it or not.

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  8. I may be well of beam with this, and I hope I don't offend, but the one thing that is often over looked when discussing FLR or WLM's is the basic fact that submissive men want to be turned on, aroused, get an erection, by the thought or practice of feeling dominated by their women.

    Initially, like some others here, I was under the impression that your husband was trying to goad you into punishing him, something that you seem reluctant to do, and that's OK. I'm just wondering that an alternative approach might be to get him sexually aroused more often using your feminine charm and his desire to want to feel you in control, but keep him denied. Maybe he would respond better to this form of control?

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  9. I punish him.. I just don't use corporal punishment. As for keeping him aroused and teased....I do that... most of the time. When things are good between us..meaning when he does not have me totally and completely pissed off... I tease him and play several times a day. I'll randomly grab his cock as I walk by him in the house while doing other things. I've been known to send explicit pics to him at work (on our phone, not his work email) I write erotica for him and ask him to share fantasies with me. I enjoy spending an hour or longer edging him repeatedly - I do that two, sometimes four times a week. Sometimes even more often, depending on my mood. When I play with him, I usually, but not always give him the opportunity to help me to orgasm. And at least once a week I ask him to help me to orgasm, but I don't touch his cock. I sent flirty, sexy emails daily, and flirt with him I enjoy sex and sexual play with him (when I'm not angry with him), and I let him know it. My Knight craves my touch.. all the time. If we could go through life and never stop touching each other, he would be happy with that. So, I make it a point to touch him as often as possible. But, when I am stressed or angry all that stops because I simply have no interest in anything sexual. Most of what I ask my Knight to do on a daily basis is aimed at reducing my stress levels so that I can give him the touch and attention he craves.

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  10. How about treating him like an employee? He is a grown man, sure, but he does need to feel your authority. When we are at work and we don't follow through on our assigned tasks, there are consequences: you might be called into the bosses' office, your pay might be docked, you might miss a bonus, you might be assigned to work overtime...whatever. You get punished by having your flaunting of the rules hit you where it hurts.

    Just like you do with a child.

    The point is, we are dealing with people who have chosen to disobey us. And the leader/boss/wife has to exact consequences for behavior modification to occur. Empty threats won't work, because they are sentient beings. You have to follow through on your threats, and punish them. If one's husband or child is unable to learn, that would be one thing. But they consciously made a choice to disobey you. You can't allow that sort of thing.

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  11. Really........and after all that he still cant remain obedient and totally submissive your needs and desires........marry me and I'll make you happy....... ;O)

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