Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Stuck in a Circle

You would think that with the teenager gone my Knight and I would be using our temporary free evenings to play and experiment with the more D/s aspects of this FLR we started.

You'd be wrong. The teenager has been gone for nearly a week and we've not done anything different than we usually do. I've spent a good portion of the day today mulling over the reasons for this. It's not my Knight's doing - he's pretty consistent in his daily routine, and in the evenings that routine involves checking in with me for further instructions after just about every activity. My Knight doesn't always do the right thing, but I believe he tries.

So....if the reasons for our lack of experimentation don't involve my Knight, then there is only one other place to look. That would be me.

I am still hesitant to experiment and push things to see how far my Knight wants to take this.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm still not convinced this is what my Knight wants. I still question whether he agreed to this because he wanted it, or to keep the peace and avoid divorce that was looming over our heads a year ago. I'm questioning whether or not this was the right path for us..... I'm questioning whether or not I"m "doing it right" (which boils down to whether or not I'm giving my Knight the guidance and direction he wants from me). I'm wondering how I can be a better leader for my Knight.. And wondering what he wants from this arrangement.

Which brings us right back to the lack of communication issue.

Each time I talk to my Knight about what he wants from our FLR arrangement he says almost the same thing. "I want you to be happy."

Now, I get that wanting to see me happy is a big motivator for him. BUT I still believe there is a personal motivation behind him wanting this, and THAT is what I want to know. Nobody is an empty slate.. we all have needs, and desires that we hope our partner will fulfill. Why won't my Knight share his with me? The fact that he continues to avoid sharing with me causes me to question if this is really what he wants. It's a never-ending circle. One that I really must find a way out of.

I suppose I could make assumptions and educated guesses about my Knight's motivations and act accordingly. I know him pretty well,and usually my guesses are right, or very close. But if I guess wrong I could end up hurting his feelings and damaging the trust between us. I don't want to do that. I've come to a place where I actually want him around again. I look forward to spending time with him. I'm starting to depend on my Knight again, and I don't want to do anything that might inadvertently put us back where we were a year ago. So, getting him to share his personal reasons for wanting this, and finding out where he wants it to go is kind of important.

Which puts me back on the hamster wheel because he won't tell me.

And yet.. I get the feeling that my Knight is waiting for me to bump the intensity up a bit with my teenager gone. Okay, I'm not unwilling, but it's a bit tough to know which way to increase the intensity if he won't tell me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I never expected this to be simple, but I did expect some input from my Knight.








Friday, July 6, 2012

Time to Ourselves -- Almost

I am hoping my Knight and I can find some time to talk, play and explore the FLR aspect of things a bit more over the next couple weeks. My 16 yr old daughter is visiting my oldest daughter for the next week or so (my oldest is attending graduate school in another state). Then, both girls will go to yet another state to visit their bio-father. So, my 16 yr old will be gone for several weeks. That gives my Knight and I some much needed privacy.

Don't get me wrong. I adore my 16 yr old. She's a kid a mom can be proud of, and I am. But, my daughter is an idealistic teenager. She believes every relationship should be equal between the partners. So, she sees the dynamic between my Knight and I, and she does *not* approve. My daughter thinks I'm being unfair.

She sees my Knight come to me and ask "what's next" or "what's on my agenda for tonight, babe?", or she overhears me telling him which writing project to work on, and what the deadline is, or.. really any situation in which he defers to me, and my daughter rolls her eyes and gets irritated. When I ask my Knight to do something that I can obviously do myself my daughter calls me on it. I've explained to her that when I do everything myself her step-dad doesn't feel needed, and so I ask him to do things because it makes him happy. My Knight has explained it the same way.

But, I raised my daughter to be independent and strong. I raised her to do for herself and not take advantage of people. And sometimes she sees my Knight do something, like stop what he's doing to carry my sax to and from the car for me, and she think's I'm being unfair.

. My daughter's bio-dad is an alpha-type guy, and he is in complete control of his wife's actions and spending. I was a single mom from the time my 16 yr old was 10 months old until she was 9, and for the last 6 of our 7 years together, my Knight and I tried to do things 50/50. But, of course that didn't work and we argued a lot because of my Knight's submissive qualities. It's only been a year since I started embracing those traits and using them to my advantage. Of course my daughter sees the difference. My Knight and I don't argue anymore (much), but my daughter believes that my Knight is simply caving to me to keep the peace. (he's not... we have discussed this particular topic to death - he had to work hard to convince me that  he wasn't doing just that. )

Because of my daughter's reactions, my Knight and I try really hard not to discuss anything that could sound like a request or a direction when she's around.  And of course, she's 16.. it's not like we can just wait until she goes to bed.. she's often up later than we are.

So... we have the next 3 weeks or so to have talk openly, and do whatever we want after the younger kids to go to bed at 9pm. I'm hoping the extra time alone will help us both have more open conversations and give us more time to explore the FLR aspect of things.