Monday, August 8, 2016

Dr. Appointments....

I told Knight that in order for me to put any more energy or effort into our marriage he MUST:
  • see a doctor to find out why he's having memory issues, and he MUST see that process to some sort of conclusion unless I tell him  otherwise
  • take full responsibility for things he forgets, start keeping log of things he's forgotten and share that log with me so that I always have access to it.
  • be *totally and completely* honest with me about everything AND 
  • stop hiding things from me and understand that the stuff he feels he has to hide from me, is the stuff he NEEDS to tell me.
  •  Start following the depression protocol I gave him-- no exceptions and no excuses.
  • Agree to go to ER with me if I decided any memory lapse was worth the trip.
  • Fully live our FLR lifestyle and stop trying to straddle the line. 
  • Start showing appreciation for the many, many things I do for him.

that, if he did these things,  I would give him ONE more chance to make things right. IF he earned the right to a last chance, it would be on the condition that if he *ever* lied to me or hid *anything* from me *ever* again, I would tell him to leave without any discussion, and if he was not home when I discovered the dishonesty I wouldn't even allow him to come home from where ever he was. But as it stood last Monday, I really just wanted him to leave, and we were finished. I told him until he found a place to live he could either sleep in his son's room (the son is in residential treatment), or on the couch, but he was not welcome in my bedroom. And then I gave him a final move out date.

Well, it seems that a week sleeping alone,  looking for a place to live and packing has caused him to reevaluate his behaviors and his opinions. Since last Monday when I told him I wanted him to leave, he has been trying very hard to be a good submissive husband, with little to no encouragement from me.

Late last week he let me know that he scheduled a doctor's appointment for late September, and asked if I'd go with him. He's also admitted that maybe the depression and the memory loss could be connected. AND is making a solid effort to change the way he handles times when we bring it to his attention that he's forgotten something. He's admitted that his anxiety is causing problems between us and he needs help to manage it.

Sometime Friday he let me know, by his actions, that he understands he's been straddling the FLR line and making my world difficult and causing stress. While he didn't put it into words, he DID start behaving like *MY* submissive husband again. He was by no means "perfect" this weekend, but he did TRY, and that's all I've ever asked of him.

He's come clean about the things he was hiding from me over the last month or so, and why. He tried to apologize, but I told him that after the week before when he apologized and then repeated the action, I had no desire to listen to another meaningless apology. He makes it up to me by NEVER hiding anything from me again.

Saturday when our daughter pointed out something he'd said he'd help her with, but forgot, he started to try to cover it, but stopped himself mid-sentence. Instead he apologized to her for forgetting, and looked to me for permission to stop what we were doing and go do what he had told our daughter he would do. I gave that permission and the two of them went off of to complete the task. I had one very happy 10 yr old.

Saturday morning, he asked me what I wanted him to eat for breakfast, and asked what supplements he was supposed to take.  Same thing on Sunday.. This morning, I made his breakfast while he was in the shower because we got up late. He took his supplements before he left for work, and took his breakfast with him.

He put a lot of effort into US over the last week, and especially over the weekend. So, on Saturday night I invited him to sleep in my bedroom with me. I made it clear that he would be welcome only on a day-by-day basis, and that it would be determined by his behavior that day. If he screws up, he's back on the couch.

Sunday was good. We got up super late because we were talking. When we finally got out of bed, he made my coffee and his breakfast, and took his supplements without hassle. We went to fighter practice, and that went well. It was clear that he was paying attention to the things I had told him.  Last night when we got home from fighter practice, I pointed out that he had forgotten to do the dishes before we left. He got up and took care of it without a word of protest. (unusual. Typically he argues the point). Around 9, I told him to go take a hot shower and some Kava because his neck was tightened up so badly he could barely move his head. (from a hit he took at fighter practice earlier) he started to protest, but stopped, and went to do as he was told. Later, he thanked me and said it had helped a lot. 

This morning he didn't say "thank you" when I made his breakfast. I sent him an email a little while ago letting him know of his oversight. I told him that I will come up with a way for him to show me his appreciation tonight, since he was unappreciative this morning. He responded with an apology, and excuse about being brain fogged this morning.  I answered that I didn't want to hear his apology, OR his excuse.. he will make it up to me tonight. I won't tolerate rudeness.  I'll probably have him give me a full body massage until I fall asleep tonight. Yes, it's a pleasant "punishment" but.. at the same time,  full body massage until I fall asleep used to be a routine thing, and I'd like to bring it back.. so this is a good way to start to do that. I did tell him that the next time he "forgets" to say "thank you" the consequences won't be as pleasant.. I expect him to be polite..

How much hope do I have that this will continue, and we'll work things out??

Honestly, not much.

His actions over the last week fit pretty well into the pattern I've seen from him over the last few years.. he gets lazy and inattentive to me, the kids and our marriage. I try to get him back on track and finally get angry because all he does is make excuses and we start fighting about it. At some point, he stops fighting with me and gets back on track for awhile. He's on his "best behavior" for a month or three (if I'm lucky), and then things start to go downhill again. Repeat.

It's been going on for a few years now.. and I can't figure out why we see the decline in his behavior.  I have my suspicions.... I think it's his depression kicking in.. and he refuses to talk to me about what goes on his his head... BUT I'm not willing to continue the pattern.

Deep down, I hope we can work this out.. but so much of it depends on him following through with the doctor appointment, depression protocols and anything else that needs to happen in order to understand his memory lapses.

We'll see.

Friday, July 29, 2016

I Caught Him in Another Lie.

We're done... I'm done.

It was a small, ridiculous, pointless lie. He lied to me about something he did.. nothing major.. but, he apologized for it in the car yesterday morning as I dropped him off at work. Fifteen minutes later I walked into his office to bring hi something he'd forgotten,  and caught him doing the exact same thing he had just apologized to me for.

Talk about disrespectful.

Then, yesterday evening we were attending an event at his office. Dinner was being served outside, but it was really hot out, so I suggested we grab our plates and go eat in his office. When we got there, he sat down in front of his computer while I sat at a small table toward the back of the office. I waited... I told him that I thought he was going to come eat with me. He continued to mutter at his computer screen with his back to me. I waited for about 5 minutes before I got up and left. I went and found my son and ate with him instead. About 45 minutes later I went back into my husband's office to get the supplies I needed to set up an activity that I was scheduled to run. He was STILL at his desk, working on his project. Didn't even notice I'd left.

Yesterday's incidents were the last straws. I'm  done.

I'm concerned about how it's going to effect the kids, but the kids at home are 14-next month, and 10. So, I think they'll manage okay.. They will stay with me.

What I'm really worried about is how our separation will effect my step-son. He's 15 now, and still in a facility receiving intense therapy. He's almost ready to come home, and I'm deeply worried this might impact his therapy. He's doing so well lately. He and I are close, and it's going to hit him hard.

At the same time, I'm tired of being lied to about stupid things. And it makes me wonder what ELSE he's lying to me about.

I'm telling him tonight that I want him to move out.

We've had some good times.. raised some amazing kids together. The kids will continue to be amazing, and I will move on from this a better person.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Good Weekend

Nothing exciting to talk about this morning. Knight and I had a good weekend even though he ended up having to work stupid late Friday night. Then, he had to work on Saturday, too.

Friday night he emailed me and told me something major in the database he's building broke. He thought it was on the service provider end, and NOT something he did. But, he couldn't leave work until he proved that he was right. I  agreed with him and told him to go out and grab dinner and go back to work until it was figured out. He did. But, at 9 pm he still had not found the problem. He was getting upset and angry with it. I'm not a database geek, but I DO know my way around computers, and I do some programming.. and it seemed to me that the solution was right in front of him and he wasn't seeing it. So, I called my knight and told him to pack it up and come home. He could work on it from home on Saturday. He started to argue with me, but I didn't let him get more than 10 words out. I repeated that I wanted him to pack up his laptop and anything else he needed to work on this from home on Saturday, but that he was done for the night. At that point I told him I expected him to pull into our driveway in less than an hour/

He did.

Saturday morning, he wanted to get back to work, first thing, I told him no-- that's not what was happening. Then I told him exactly what I wanted from him. He did everything I asked of him without complaint.  Really what I was doing was intentionally keeping him from that project because I didn't think his head was clear yet.

Finally around 1 pm, I told him he had until 5 pm to fix what was broken.

He finished at 430.. put everything away and found me in the yard to let me know he was done, and ask me what I wanted him to do next.

Sunday was similar, with knight taking all his cues from me, and doing exactly what I wanted and asked for.  We're both starting to get back into the habit of having me be completely and firmly in control. He's less stressed, and better able to relax and enjoy his time with me and the kids.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Last Minute Plans

Knight didn't know it, but we had plans to go out and listen to live music tonight. Unfortunately those plans just got hosed by his job responsibilities. He and I have been trying to go out alone for over a month, and something keeps getting in the way. Usually when that happens we end up watching a movie on Netflix or something... I'm not much of a movie person, but it's easy and cheap, ya know.

However, tonight will be different. I was playing Words with Friends earlier today and my opponent played the word "erect". I just happened to have the letters for penis coming off the "e" in erect... and it just happened to be my highest scoring word. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I played it. (before 50 people tell me all the reasons why that was wrong.. let me say.. 1. I knew my opponent was a guy. 2. I know he's well over 40 3. He and I have played Words with Friends on and off for months, and he's played a few "interesting" words himself.. so, no, I don't feel bad about it.)

Anyway... that got me thinking.. knight and I have never played dirty Scrabble.. and considering how much Scrabble/Words With Friends/Word Chums we play, that's surprising.

Then I figured if I can get him to loosen up enough to play dirty Scrabble, then I *might* be able to get him to write erotica with me..

So, those are our plans for tonight.. Dirty Scrabble and an erotica round robin..

I sent him an email a few minutes ago. Here's an edited copy of it:

on your way  home, stop at the store.. 

pick up a replacement Scrabble game   either regular Scrabble or Super Scrabble.. I prefer Super Scrabble, but if they don't have it, just get regular. 

and maybe a small bottle of.. something alcoholic.. that we both like..  You pick... the idea here is to get you just drunk enough that you can play dirty Scrabble and do an erotica round robin with me tonight....................

Rules to Scrabble are as follows.. 

30 Extra points for sexually related words.... they don't have to be obvious, but if it's not obvious then you have to prove it.. 

sexually related words on a bonus tile of any type get the extra points, board given bonus, and 1 minute of the "favor" of the players choice. 

If you swap tiles, or pass your turn, you lose an article of clothing.

If you win, you get to pick and download a sexy movie for us to watch tomorrow night.. (if you win, I'll give you guidelines, and maybe even a list of suggestions to choose from, so you don't have to worry about picking something I'll hate.)

If I win, you have to EITHER: complete at least one erotic short story round robin with me -- without the benefit of alcohol..(in addition to the one we're doing tonight),  OR Read the erotic story/book of my choice out loud to me over the course of a few nights.

also... the winner of the Scrabble game gets to START tonight's erotic round robin story... 

rules for the erotic round robin?  There are none... anything goes.... 

THAT is what we are doing tonight.. 

Blogger... UGH

I've tried to leave replies to several comments but for some reason Blogger is arguing with me. It might be my browser (I'm beta testing for a new browser), so I'll log in with a more common browser and try again when I have time. That probably won't be until this afternoon or sometime tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

So.. This Happened Last Night

When I picked knight up from work yesterday evening,  I left the kids at home.

Knight came out to the car, put his laptop in the backseat and came around to open the driver's side door for me. 

Grabbing him by his tie and pulling him in for a kiss I told him, "I'm driving tonight." 

Knight gave me a confused look because I almost always have him drive, but he closed the driver side door, and got in the passenger seat.

As we got away from traffic and away from the busy part of the city, I told him to lean his seat back a bit, and unbutton/unzip his slacks. 

He froze.  (things you should know-- We drive a big SUV. We're high off the ground. Only semi trucks can see in our car, our windows are tinted, he works in a small town, we live 45 minutes away in an even smaller town. Even during rush hour, there isn't much traffic.)

"Two choices," I told him, "Either do it, or as soon as we get past this light, I will pull into the (nature preserve) parking lot, get out of this car, and do it for you." 

He undid his pants. 

Then, I told him to put his hand out. I had hidden a bottle of my homemade cinnamon massage oil in the driver's side door. I pulled that out now, and poured some into his hand. 

"Put on a show for me while we drive home. You're not allowed to come."

Again, my knight sat there with oil in his hand, not sure what to do. He was already starting to get hard. 

"Do I need to help you?" I asked him. Again, my knight sat there with oil in his hand, not sure what to do. He was already starting to get hard. 

He still sat there unmoving, but again, his quickly hardening cock gave away his thoughts. 

I reached over with my free hand to move his oil covered hand and help him get started. 

As we approached the stop light he started to cover up, and I told him not to. I wanted him to continue what he was doing. 

"You're fine. You don't need to worry about traffic, I've got it. The only thing you need to be concerned with right now, is what I want." 

For the next 30 minutes he stroked himself while I watched him out of the corner of my eye. Every so often I told him to take a break, speed up, lean up so I could see better, or otherwise change things up. 

As we came up on the center of town we live in, I considered telling him to cover up, but changed my mind. There was very little traffic on the road. I kept to the right lane so that if anyone passed us they would pass on my side. With the tinted windows nobody can see in. He was getting a little closer to orgasm than I wanted him, so I told him to stop. He obviously enjoyed riding through town with is cock hanging out. 

We got through town, and I made the turn on to the two lane road that leads to our turn off. Once we made that turn, I turned things up a bit. Since there was no traffic, I was able to lean over and stroke him. He leaned up and toward me so I could reach better. 

"I'm paying more attention to the road than I am you. Tell me if you get to close. I'm going to be pissed if you make a mess in the car," I told him. 

After a few minutes I told him to get back into his seat and do it himself.

About 3/4 of the way to our turn off there is an empty field. I pulled to the side of the road, and stopped the car. He watched, as I got out of the car, closed the driver's side door and came around to open the passenger door. I left the door open, and edged him for a minute. I left the passenger side door open as I walked back over to the driver's side. He didn't rush to close the door. I think he was to stunned to even think about it, but I knew there was nobody there. I got back in the car and told him to close his door. As we got back onto the road, I told him there was a towel in the glove box, it was time to get cleaned up and dressed. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2016


 This is an excerpt from this morning's entry to my private journal with a few changes for clarity and (of course) privacy. It's a lot of random thoughts about some of the things I've been talking about and dealing with...........

Things seem to be improving between knight and I. I’ve gone back to telling him, not asking, or even requesting. I’ve gone back to being authoritative and he is responding to it. He said the other day that he just wants “us” back. So, maybe he realizes this works. While we were emailing back and forth the other day I pointed out to him that the only time things were ever *really* good, as opposed to just "okay", was when I was firmly and completely in control of things. I told him I wanted that back, and he answered that email with “yes, I want US back” so maybe he gets it.

So far, over the last few days I’ve told him what time to leave work, and basically set his schedule. He seems… relieved. We’ve been closer.. More cuddly, and he’s been more… sweet and attentive than he’s been in months. Even though he’s stressed and worried about this project, he’s STILL being sweeter, and more considerate toward me AND the kids, than he’s been in months. He seems.. Calmer. Less antsy.. Less freaked out. I can deal with this. I've *missed* this.

Somebody on Qnk likened it to a parent/child relationship.. It’s not abusive when a parent sets strong limits for the child, it’s considered good parenting.

This morning it occurred to me that it’s like a manager/employee relationship. The manager assigns tasks, and handles the overall management of the workforce. He’s my workforce, and I’m his manager in all things. Simple.

...........Interesting thought. I got angry at knight one day for not taking control, and being in charge when I was in massive pain and NEEDED  him to take that control…  would it have been wrong or abusive of him to take control, and tell me to take kava?  No. It would not have been. In fact, after the situation was over I was upset with him for not taking that control when I needed him to.

So.. He needs me to take control on a daily basis. He’s more secure, happier, and feels loved when I manage things for him. It’s one of the ways he feels my love. He LIKES to feel me around him, in his world all the time, and starts feeling lost and unloved if I take that “wrap-around”  away. So.. Really by managing everything, oftentimes including his day, I am helping him to feel loved and cared for. Maybe it makes a little more sense now.. “Maybe”

Flr is something I do because I love him.. It’s something I do FOR him, not TO him. And that’s the difference. If he hated it, then it would be wrong.. But because he thrives on it, and my control helps him to feel loved, cared for, and wanted, that makes it okay. Important even.

I’ve seen a solid difference in him over the last couple days since I started managing his work time for him. I should have started this right after he started struggling with this project, last September. He was complaining a lot.. And maybe that was his way of asking for help? He’s not going to come out and just say “I need you to help me manage my time” and he’s not going ask if he can work overtime. I should have told him.. You are working until 7 tonight to get caught up on this project, instead of allowing him to struggle with managing work and home time-- and fall behind.

Maybe I’m slowly starting to get this?

So……THAT’s why he’s so upset and down on himself about writing time.. I have not specifically said .. “Go write” so he has not been taking dedicated time..  Just like going into to work for optional overtime, he’s not going to do it, or even ask for it .. He needs me to tell him to do it-- I have to assign and manage that for him.

I still don't understand all this.. You would think that after almost 5 years of flr that I would start to understand.. But — no. If he tried to tell me when I could write, and when I could work, and when I was doing X, or if he wanted full control over the bills, what and when I eat, or when and if we had sex, I would be unhappy and angry. I would feel like he was being an overbearing, over-controlling ass. But he is not me.. And being managed helps him know that I love him..THAT’s why he gets upset and depressed when I back off.. It’s why things get stupid when I back off.

Maybe I get it now..