Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A Release for Good Behavior

I am convinced that my Knight obeyed my rules against masturbation during the last couple months. So, I decided that he deserved a reward for good behavior and I let him come last night. I woke him up in the middle of the night and spent about an hour playing with and teasing his cock with my hands and tongue. He wasn't expecting to be allowed to come. When I pushed him over the edge it was pretty clear to me that he really had not come in several months. His orgasm took over his entire body and it was more than 10 minutes before he could move again. I cleaned up while he recovered, and then I pulled him close to me and we went back to sleep.

This morning, I made it a point to tell him that last night's orgasm was a reward for keeping the no masturbation rule while we were on break. I told him that things like that help to show me that he really does enjoy our flr, and is not "just putting up with it" to "keep the peace."  I need to see and feel his enjoyment/contentment with flr in order for me to feel comfortable allowing it to grow.

And then I told him that if time and circumstances permit today, he'll get one more......

Monday, December 30, 2013

And..I'm Back... Again...

I'm back. Short version..I got super busy with work and family stuff and let this blog go. Which would have been okay....except that I also let the FLR aspect of our lives go too. It wasn't intentional..it just kind of happened. And my Knight and I started arguing and bickering and things just slowly started to backslide until I found myself thinking that my life and my kids' lives would be a lot smoother and less stressful without him.   That led me to wonder how in the hell we got THERE again.

I talked to my Knight and we decided that we need to keep a tight handle on FLR things and really keep up on our rules and expectations. I tend to let things slide because as my Knight tells me he "does not have a strong need for me to control him", He "has a strong need for me to be happy with him."

For me to be happy with him, I need him to keep his word, do his part around the house and with the kids, and be emotionally open and available to me most of the time.    For some reason.. my Knight has little idea how do do those things in everyday life....he gets comfort and security from having me run things and give him a daily task list.. Without my guidance and "control" he gets anxious, depressed and has no idea what do do first.  Even when we're not actively living flr, he looks to me for guidance in every decision.  The flr comes in when he doesn't follow through on his daily task list. Without flr, he misses tasks, blows things off, or forgets things and, after a week or so of this and me having to go back and do those things he didn't do.. I get angry and we start bickering. But.. With FLR  my Knight is punished for not completing tasks, and he is expected to finish the uncompleted tasks the next day. I don't get angry with him for not completing things.. I punish him and we both move on.. and he does NOT forget the next day.

My Knight is a better dad when we're flr active, too. I can't explain it..maybe it's because he's less stressed and feels more secure in his place in our lives..but when we're active in our flr, he pays more attention to the kids..plays with them more.. talks to them more..

And.. I have to admit.... sex is better an more frequent when we are following FLR. To his credit.. he has been following my no masturbation rule, and has not orgasmed without my permission while we've been on flr "break". But when we're actively paying attention to flr dynamic we're both more interested in sex, and the sex is just.. better.

So.. after several long discussions we've decided that FLR needs to be at the forefront of our marriage.  One of the ways I keep FLR active and part of my daily thought process is by taking care of this blog.

Over the next week or so I am going to review our FLR rules and make adjustments and changes as needed. I'll post our rules here when I'm finished.

I'm also making myself another list of punishment and reward ideas. I stopped using our original list because much of it just did not fit us.. We've been living flr for more than 2 years now.. on and off..and I have a better idea of what works and what doesn't. I'll add to the lists as other ideas come to me. I'll probably post both lists here, as well. 

I still don't understand how or why flr works for us if, as my Knight claims, he doesn't really need me to control him.... because controlling him is exactly what he's asking of me.......but it works for us.........and things fall apart when we don't pay attention to flr matters.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Things Are Smooth

I've been busy reorganizing my writing and the kids' homeschool schedules. It's time for us to move from our summer routine to our "school year" routine. We don't follow the school schedule, but I do vary the number of subjects the kids complete based on the weather. When it's nice out, we do less book work and more things out in the community. I do an evaluation of our routines, record keeping methods and curriculum two or three times each year. When I re-evaluate the homeschool program I also do an eval of my business routines and goals. That's really what takes up a lot of time. I lay out both my business goals, my writing goals, and my knight's writing goals for the next 3-5 months and create a written plan that keeps us both more or less on track.

And.. that's where I've been for the last few days-- buried in goal evaluation. It takes a good bit of thought and energy to plan out how I want things to look for the next 3-5 months. On top of that, I'm still homeschooling the kids and doing my regular day's work. So.. it doesn't leave a lot of time to ponder all things FLR.

Things with my knight are running smoothly. We seem to have fallen into routine again, though. It happens when things get busy, but at least this time I'm aware of it. He's done a good job this time of doing what's expected even though routines have taken over.  He deserves a reward for that -- I think tonight is a good time to do something different.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

A Reward

After the kids went to bed last night, I noticed my knight was sort withdrawn and sort of irritable - not with me, but irritable with himself. Earlier he dropped the keyboard to the kids' computer. The wire somehow got wrapped around his leg while he was using the computer. There was an odd noise upstairs that sounded like a kid falling out of bed, and I asked my knight to go check it out. When he stood up the keyboard went crashing to the ground. The floor in our den is concrete. Beautifully painted concrete, but concrete nonetheless.  Of course, things things tend to break when they hit concrete from waist high. Keyboard to the kids' computer is toast. Like most geek families, we have a stash of extra computer parts "just in case, " so replacing the keyboard is no big deal, but my knight was beating himself up over it.  I asked my knight several times what was bothering him. He's hard on himself, but usually, if I tell him I don't think something is a big deal, he drops it and moves on. Not so, last night.

After talking to him several times and getting nowhere, I called bedtime. After we got undressed and into bed, he tried to stick to "his side"of the bed. Yet another indication that something was bothering him. I put my arm under him and rolled him over toward me. "You're too far away. Get over here where you belong."

He complied and laid his head on my chest. Rubbing his back and shoulders, I ask him again what was wrong. "Why do you keep asking me that? I'm fine." He flipped over on his back, saying his neck was bothering him.  So, I rolled over with him and settled on top of him.

"You've been antsy, grouchy, and irritable all night. Don't tell me you're fine. What's going on in your head?" I demanded of him.

He was very quiet and very still for about 10 minutes. Then, finally, "Are you mad at me?"

I pulled back a little so I could look him in the eyes, "No.. why would I be?"

"I screwed up our evening. You wanted to curl up with a movie, but I didn't get my writing done in time for us do do that."

"Um.. no, you didn't. You finished everything on your list.. including 100 words more than I asked for on your WIP. You did just fine."

"But, you wanted to curl up with a movie."

"Your list got done. That's what's important. Besides, when did I say I wanted to watch a movie tonight?"

"I dunno. You wanted to curl up with a movie last night, and I screwed that up, too."

"Eh.. no really, no. We just didn't have time. I never said it was a big deal."

Several minutes passed before he very quietly said, "So, you're not mad at me?"

I leaned down, kissed him and let my hands wander over his body.  That turned into several pretty good orgasms for me. He's still under "no chance of coming" until mid August as a result of his dice roll the other day, so he figured that was the end of things. He settled down in my arms to cuddle and go to sleep. I grabbed the bottle of cinnamon oil that I keep next to to the bed and flipped him over on his back. He was already jumpy from his attentions to me, and he just about jumped out of his skin when I touched his cock with my oily hands.  For the next 90 minutes or so he squirmed, jumped and moaned while I brought him to the edge and back down over and over again. He was oblivious to anything other than what I was doing to him. Finally, when I thought he'd had about all he could handle, I started bringing him back down slowly.  He curled up in my arms peaceful and content.

This morning, I sent him an email saying that I was proud of him for finally telling him what was bothering him last night, and that the long tease session was his reward for talking to me.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Why I Don't Use a Chastity Device on my Knight.


This is in response to Wishful4's comment  --

There are several reasons I haven't considered locking my knight. The biggest reason is that I'm concerned about how it will effect him emotionally and psychologically. My knight's ex-wife was seriously mentally ill, and had a lot of hangups about sex. That woman was the ultimate in ex horror stories. He doesn't like to admit it, but she was emotionally abusive in ways only someone with severe mental illness can be. She was his first lover, and they were together for about 11 years. In that time her hang ups about sex, combined with his natural tendency to cater to every whim of the woman in his life, created a huge mess in his head.  10 years later he still occasionally struggles with flashbacks, fears, and communication issues because of the hell she put him through.

I have worked hard to help my knight overcome and deal with the trauma she left him with. There are things he still won't talk about.  I've worked hard to get him to understand that I love him.. all of him... because he is HIM, and not for what he can or can't do for me. I've worked hard (and am still working) to help him understand that it's okay to have wants and needs of his own, in and out of the bedroom.

Our ongoing communication struggles are a direct result of his ex wife and her problems.

It's also why it took me so long to accept that flr was really what he wanted.. because I had a good idea what she had put him through, and was afraid he was just falling into old habits or deferring to me because he was afraid of what would happen if he didn't.  He has assured me over and over again that's not the case.. that it makes him happy and content follow my lead, do what I ask of him, and devote himself to me completely....So I finally took the dominant role he was asking of me -- it took YEARS for me to accept that this is really who he is, and what makes him happy. Although.. as you guys saw a few weeks ago, I still question.

One of the things she created for him was a feeling of guilt for even being interested in sex at all. If he showed any sexual interest he caught hell. He wasn't allowed to ask for sex, or even ask for attention at all. It wasn't an FLR thing.. and it wasn't something he wanted or agreed to.... there was no form of sex play to any of this.. She had a major hang up about sex, and totally went off on him if he showed any interest. From what he's told me about her, I wonder how she ended up having 4 kids. Even offering to give her oral got him in trouble.

When we first got together, he thanked me for every orgasm, every time. Once, I asked him why he did that, and he didn't have an answer. I assumed it had something to do with is ex, and eventually talked him into stopping. (of course.. now I wonder if my assumption was wrong ) He was afraid to initiate sex. If I tried to surprise him, or be spontaneous he freaked and froze.  He didn't seem to really enjoy sex because his past experiences with his ex made him uptight and afraid of what would happen afterwards. Heck.. I had to tell him it was okay to show enjoyment and make noise during sex.

We've been together for almost 9 years, and he's pretty much over all of that, although sometimes he's still a little reserved.

I'm concerned that if I have him wear a chastity device, he's going to feel unwanted, and unloved. My knight is a very touchy-feely kind of guy. He needs my touch like the human body needs to breathe, like plants need sunlight and water. He also needs to know and feel that I want him, and that I enjoy his body. If I randomly grab his cock while I walk by, he melts. I can't do that if he's wearing a device. Putting him in a chastity device would probably trigger all those feelings of sex being bad that he got from his ex.

I'm also concerned that he'd feel like I don't trust him if I asked him to wear a chastity device. I trust him completely to follow our rules and to be faithful to me. He has never given me any reason to doubt him, and I think it would hurt him , and he'd blame himself if he thought I didn't trust him.

For all those reasons, I've never even considered discussing a chastity device with him.

We do use orgasm control and denial, though.  He is not allowed to masturbate at all, and he's not allowed to come without my express permission. I've explained to him that I ask this of him because I like what it does to him. His reactions are more.... intense when he's been denied for a while.  Teasing and orgasm denial seems to bring down what's left of his walls and lets him really get lost in the sensations. It's a huge turn on for me to spend an hour teasing him and watch him squirm, shiver and pay so much attention to what I'm doing to him that nothing else exists anymore. He doesn't react that way when he's allowed to come too often. Sometimes, If I tease too long at one time, or take him to the edge and back too many times in one session... sometimes he has flashbacks of his ex, and assumes I'm mad at him, or that I'm doing it for revenge.  Several times I've offered to stop the orgasm control and denial. If it's causing him problems, I don't want it.. but each time, he's told me ... no.. he usually loves it.. it's just occasionally, when other things are going on in his head that he has problems with it.  I was so concerned with it that I wrote an "out" into our rules.. he knows that if he ever wants to end the orgasm control.. there is a set way to do that without any kind of backlash from me. He's also allowed to ask me to let him to let him come when I'm teasing him. If things get too intense, he can ask for that release. I reserve the right to deny him, but under that circumstance, I would have to have a really good reason.  Not once has he asked...a couple times I've reminded him he could ask for it while I was edging him, but he's never asked.  

As for my own personal reasons for not locking him...

I like knowing he's on the honor system, and that he would never even consider breaking my trust by masturbating without my permission. There's something very special about that. I love it that he trusts me to manage and control his orgasms without question. Yes, he comes without permission occasionally (like the other day). But.. really those times are rare, and a chastity device wouldn't eliminate them anyway. The only time it ever happens is when I'm teasing him and not paying attention, or when we're having sex and 'forgets' to warn me.

I like being able to play with his cock anytime I want to, without having to unlock him first. To me, it seems like it would be another block to being spontaneous.. and with 4 kids at home, we have enough reasons not to be spontaneous.

I've thought about it.. and really.. the only time I'd want him to wear it is when we're not together, and having him wear it only when we're apart would probably make him wonder if he'd done something to cause me not to trust him with other women. Since I do trust him.. there's little reason for me to lock him.

If he ever shows interest in a chastity device, I'll reconsider. But for right now, I like having him unlocked and under the honor system.


Sunday, July 14, 2013

Rolling the Dice Tonight

My knight has to roll two 20 sided dice tonight. He got carried away last night and came without permission while we were having sex. I didn't say anything about it last night, but this morning as we were getting ready for church I casually told him, "You're going to have to roll the dice tonight."  He said he knew. 

When he has an orgasm without my permission he has to roll two 20 sided dice. The result of the die roll tells him two things - 1. how many days before I will even consider allowing  him to orgasm again, and 2. how many times he must bring me to orgasm before I will let him come.  Both conditions have to be met for him to have any chance at all of release, and just because the conditions are met, does automatically mean I'll let  him come.  If I think the rolled number is to low, I reserve the right to multiply it by 10.

I find myself wondering if he was testing me to see if I'd give him any consequences if he came without permission last night. I guess I'll find out tonight when we talk about it. 




Saturday, July 13, 2013

Finally... Some Sort of Explanation -- Maybe.

How a week can be so awesome and, at the same time, so totally crappy, I'll never know. But it's been a rough week around here.

My oldest daughter came home from college on July 2. She's a biochemistry graduate student and only gets 2 weeks off during the summer. We had an awesome party on July 3, and spent July 4 playing with my younger kids and just hanging out. It was a great 2 days. Then, on Friday things kind of blew up.

My 17 yr old daughter was being.... well.... a moody 17 yr old girl, and she decided to change her plans at the last minute without telling me about it...which in turn, meant completely changing family plans. I go out of my way to treat my 17 yr old like the mature young woman she is.  She gets good grades, plays 4 different musical instruments, sings, is active in our church, has a part-time job, knows what she wants to do after high school, and had solid career plans. I like and approve of her boyfriend, and can be as headstrong as her mother.  I don't mind my daughter changing plans, and I try to accommodate her, but I very much dislike having family plans changed at the last minute.  I work hard to make sure family plans work for everyone involved, including my daughters boyfriend, and having my daughter change those plans with no consideration for everyone else involved irritates me.  So, on Friday my daughter and I were dealing with typical mother/teenage girl tension. I was irritable and my knight was off kilter and a bit needy. Then I found out that he lost the cable to the printer when we moved 6 months ago. Not a big deal in the general scheme of things, but at that moment it was a big deal - mostly because I remember giving him specific packing instructions regarding the cords to the printer before we moved. Those instructions were not followed.  The lack of printer cable meant that our plans for the day were even further screwed up and that sent me into an even worse mood. My 17 yr old had the car so  we couldn't just run out and buy a new cable. Everything my oldest and I wanted to do together on Friday was hosed because somebody else didn't follow through. That kind of thing makes me very angry.. and by 6 pm I was in a rotten mood and felt like I was surrounded by people who just did not care about keeping their word to each other. And, it didn't help that I it was pms time, so my hormones were a bit out of whack.  I went to bed early and hoped Saturday would be a better day.

My knight was still off kilter on Saturday. I admit that was probably my fault. When I'm irritable my knight tends to internalize it. It doesn't matter why I'm in a bad mood.. I could be irritated with a difficult client, distracted with a writing project, or just irritable, regardless of the reason, my knight takes it to mean he's not doing "something wrong." He has a difficult time understanding that sometimes I'm just irritable.. and it's nothing he did.  I try to give him the extra guidance he needs during those times, but on Saturday his neediness just annoyed me further.   He wanted to talk about the missing printer cable, and how he didn't feel it was his fault. I didn't want to discuss it . I just wanted him to go out and buy a new cable so I could print what I needed, and be done with it-- And I told him that.   But, my knight kept pushing to talk.. kept insisting that it wasn't his fault. As far as I saw it (and still see it) if he had packed the printer the way I asked him to, the cable would not have gone missing. He didn't do as I asked, therefore  he lost the cable. Just go out and replace the damn thing, and move on. Except my knight kept talking about it. I finally blew up. During the very short argument that followed my knight said something that made it sound like he was questioning the FLR.  I walked away from him and his comment.

That evening when we were alone I asked him if he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic, if he was starting to resent it and wanted to go back to a 50/50 arrangement. He didn't answer me.  I gave him 15 minutes or so, and asked again. Still no answer. After another 10 minutes or so, I asked a third time... his answer was "I don't know. I need more time to think about it."  Okay.. fine.. but what do we do in the meantime?  He had no answer. We ended up going to bed with that question unanswered.   Now.... if you've read this blog for any time at all you know that a lot of the time I worry that I forced my knight into FLR against his wishes. Since he "was still thinking about it" I decided the best thing I could do is to back off of FLR while he thought things over. So, on Sunday I assumed a 50/50 type of dynamic. I told him that while he was thinking about whether he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic, that I would drop the FLR and go back to 50/50 because I didn't want to force FLR on him.
I stopped giving direction. When my knight asked me if I wanted him to do A or B, I answered with.. I don't know..that's your decision to make now. I didn't ask my knight to do things, or get things for me, I simply did it myself. I didn't make a big deal out of it, I just took care of my own things, and expected him to do the same.

And.. that's when things REALLY went to hell. My knight became irritable, depressed and angry. I told him that we would do things 50/50 until he made a decision as to whether or not he wanted to continue the FLR. He kept asking me "Why are you doing this to me?"  My answer was that I wasn't doing anything to him.. that I was assuming a 50/50 arrangement until he made a decision. I really was not trying to punish him. I was trying not to force him to accept my authority if he didn't want it.  He kept coming back to the printer cable thing. He thought I was being unfair,  and at one point muttered "I'm not sure I want to give you that power over me." When I asked him what he meant he said that he thought I was being unfair about the printer cable. and it really bothered him. I pointed out that HE was the only one still harping on the cable. We bought a new one, and I dropped it because there was nothing either of us could really do to fix it.

Things continued like this for the next couple days. Every day, I asked my knight if he'd made a decision yet. And every day he said he was "still thinking about it" Everyday I reminded him that we would do things 50/50 until he made a decision. It was obvious to me that he was feeling lost, depressed and miserable, but I was determined that if we returned to FLR it would be at HIS request.

By Wednesday we were barely speaking, and I'm not sure either of us knew why.

I told him that I hate feeling like I'm forcing FLR on him and that I need to know that he WANTS the FLR. It has to be something we do because he wants it.. not because I force it on him.  I told him that if we return to FLR that I need to see, hear, and know beyond all doubt that he wants that dynamic. We got into a long discussion about how I always question whether he wants it because he won't talk about his needs and his desires as far as FLR goes.  His answer was that all he really wants is for me to be happy. I reminded him that I AM happy.. happiness comes from within.. it's not something he can give me.. no matter how much he might want to. Then I told him that regardless of anything he says.. we "do FLR" for HIM.. not for me.  I took charge of him because it makes HIM happy. He finds contentment and security when I am in charge of him, and that's why we do it. I don't need the FLR to be happy, and I told him that it ticked me off that keeps saying the FLR is for me. It's not. I do it for him.. because he seems so much more content, and secure.  I don't do FLR for me.. I do it for him.   That's where I left it on Weds night.

Thursday morning nothing really changed.My knight still said he was thinking about it, while at the same time constantly asking for my guidance.I pulled him aside out of earshot of the kids and told him to stop asking for my guidance unless he'd made a decision about the FLR. Again, he said he was still thinking about it.

Thursday evening, we were watching a movie with the kids. The kids were all on the couch, and I was in a nearby chair kitting. When my knight came downstairs, my oldest asked the younger kids to scoot over and make room on the couch for daddy. The kids moved, but my knight came over and sat on the floor at my feet. My oldest told him, "You don't have to sit on the floor, there's room over here."  He answered with, "Yep. I know. I'm comfortable here."  I stopped knitting and played with his hair as he nuzzled my leg.  My knight sat at my feet until we went to bed a few hours later.

When we were alone I asked him, "So, you've made your decision, then?"

He said, "I'm sorry. I just want to get back to normal."

We talked for a couple hours about what happened. Finally he told me he felt like he shouldn't need the structure of FLR, that he thought he should be able to do this... to make me happy ..... without FLR. That he should just know. He apologized for needing the flr, and being so needy.

I told him that I don't mind FLR, but that I need him to show me that he wants and needs it. Show me it's important to him.. because I hate feeling that I've forced him into it.  I told him that I do the
FLR for him (not to him) ... because I love it when we're close.. and I want him to feel comfortable relaxing into his role.

My knight kept telling me that he feels like he shouldn't need me to set his priorities..that he feels like he should be able to figure it out for himself. But he can't.  I reminded him that I tried to shoe horn him into "typical 50/50" for years.....I expected him to figure out priorities himself, and it almost landed us in divorce court, because we were both miserable. It wasn't until we found FLR that things got better for us.

I don't understand why he's so concerned with what "should" be... and I'm not sure how to help him feel okay with what IS. My knight is obviously happier under the FLR.  How do I help him accept that there's nothing wrong with him because he prefers to be led rather than lead?



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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Just a Note

I will be away from the computer for a few more days.My oldest is home from college and we are off having fun.  Things with my knight have gone a bit wonky, but I'll talk about that after my daughter leaves.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

He Is Trying...

I finally got an answer to my question. Just a few minutes before 10 am.. (he made the deadline.... can I get a round of applause for him!!!)  so.. the question was.. "

"What would make the FLR dynamic more fun or more fulfilling?"

After four paragraphs of basically talking to himself and working things out in his head.. my knight's answer boiled down to  --- Be more comfortable in my role, be more spontaneous and don't censor myself so much.

LOL.. so.. the exact issues that I struggle with are what he's like to see more of. He's following my lead..... and knowing that helps me a lot.

I'm getting ready for  a fireworks party, so I'll have to post more about this later this week.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

ARRGUGHHHH

My last question to my knight   posed around 10 am today... "Name one thing that we could add or do that would make the flr arrangement for fun... or more fulfilling for you.?

It is now 9 hours later.. he's home from work, and I reminded him that he's not answered yet. "Yeah. I know. I haven't forgotten. I honestly don't know."

I hope, for his sake he comes up with something before 10am tomorrow....


Attempt at Increasing Our Communication

I've started an on-going game of "20 Questions" with my knight. The rules are simple, I started by asking him a random question via email. I gave him 2 hours to answer the question and respond with one of his own. The rules state that each of us is expected to respond to each question within 2 hours unless the person answering is obviously away from the computer. I tossed that in there so my knight can't tell me "I'm thinking about it" and then never answer.. he's been known to do that. If the answering person does not respond in 24 hours they have to immediately answer the question, and they owe the waiting partner 2 hours of time. The person stuck waiting for an answer can choose to use that time however they want.  Yes, on first glance it seems to give my knight a say over my time, but I decided that for this purpose, that's okay.. if I don't like what he comes up with, I can always tell him no. Besides, it's unlikely that I will put off answering his question for a full 24 hours, even if he does come up with something unexpected.

My hope here is that we can use the 20 questions game to explore his/my/our feelings, thoughts, opinions,likes, dislikes on flr issues and maybe.. just maybe start to explore this thing a little more.

Part of our issues with talking about dominance and submission is that he stresses over trying to figure out what I want him to say. When I  ask him about his thoughts on increasing the depth of our activities he always answers one of two ways:
1. He starts talking about the practical day-to-day application of our dynamic. He tells me that his daily task list does a lot to reduce his stress, and help keep him focused on what I think is important.
or
2. He tells me "Babe, I don't know what you want me to say. "

I'm hoping a series of short, light-hearted, and sometimes random questions to which he gets to ask a question of his own, might get him to stop censoring himself and give me some real answers.

Too bad we don't drink.. I've considered getting him drunk and THEN trying to get him to talk about this.

I know some of you think I'm talking this to death,  I want to know what he feels, not what he thinks I want to hear. I would be more sure of myself if he had approached me with the request, but since it came from me as a way to avoid a divorce, I still still wonder....

Sunday, June 30, 2013

My Part in This

Sitting in church this morning it dawned on me that the root of our FLR struggles are my fault. I waver....I flip flop...I don't always tell my knight how I feel regarding our FLR.  I don't take the time to tell and show him just how precious his submission is to me, and I rarely share my thoughts about what's sexy about our dynamic.  And...since my knight follows my lead in all things..if I'm not open about what I want and think, how in the hell can I expect him to feel comfortable sharing his thoughts?

Sometimes I'm a very strong dominant. I tell him exactly what I want him to do, I flirt and tease and openly control my knight. Other times, I'm more passive - I ask instead of tell, I neglect the teasing and flirting and just kind of run on auto pilot.  Thanks to his ex-wife, my knight pretty much expects me to get angry and stay angry with him for an indefinite period of time over small things. It's an unconscious emotional reaction caused by being married to an emotionally abusive psychopath for over 15 years. My knight can't help it, and  even though he actively works to recognize and eliminate that reaction it still happens occasionally.  When I inadvertently withdraw my active dominance, my knight jumps to "she's mad at me" mode, and he pulls away from me emotionally. If I don't recognize what's going on right away then I end up backing off on the obvious dominance.  The rules and expectations don't change....but I give my knight the space he seems to want and I'm less flirty, tease less, and overtly dominate him less. It's a self feeding cycle that continues until I take forceful control again.

We've been doing this for years. Before FLR my knight would get sloppy in family obligations, and in his responsibilities to me. There would be lots of broken promises, and uncompleted house projects, and he would check out on us emotionally. That would continue until I had enough, and blew up on him.  After the fight, my knight was the picture of family responsibility and perfect dad for a few months. Then the cycle started all over again.

I think, the same type of thing is happening within our FLR, but to a much lesser degree. My knight needs to feel my control over him.... needs to see and feel me being his active leader. It's one of the ways he knows he's precious to me.

This morning, he and I were talking about orgasm denial. Most of the time he loves it, but occasionally it brings back bad memories and bad feelings associated with his ex.  He is hesitant to share those feelings and memories with me. This morning I told my knight that I tease and deny his orgasms because I love him. Then explained the differences I see in him when I deny him,and I told him just how sweet, sexy and amazing I think those changes are.  I don't know if I've ever laid it out for him like that. Sure, we've talked about it in small pieces, but I'm not sure that I ever explained it all out - in detail- for him.

In church this morning it hit me just how many stray FLR thoughts go through my head that I have not yet shared with my knight.  I start to share them, and then I filter my thoughts. I was brought up in a world where sex was not discussed... "good girls" just.. didn't. I'm still overcoming that way of thinking.

FLR is foreign to me.. I'm still learning how this best works for us. Part of that is learning to be open about my thoughts and ideas. If I can't do that  how can I expect my knight to share his thoughts and ideas with me.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

So..I've Been Gone a Long Time

I'd like to say my absence has been because of the new book contract, or because we've been busy with family....but that just isn't the case. Sure, I've been busy but that's to be expected when you have 4 kids at home, and a busy writing career. No, the truth is that I've just not been making Qnk a priority. It's not just Qnk that I was neglecting. I also run a natural health website and blog  and that was getting ignored, too.

So, what have I been doing while I was gone? Well.. I've made quite a few herbal remedies, written half of my new book, done quite a bit of middle ages research, re-learned to knit, researched a LOT for novel I want to write, wrote some erotica, learned to sew, and done a lot of reading.  Of course, that's stuff I would have done anyway.  Through it all, I failed make the time to blog. As busy as we can get, if I don't actively and intentionally make time for something it just does not happen.

 We've continued our FLR, although there have been some bumps in the road. Getting comfortable with my dominant role seems to be a "one step forward, two steps back" kind of thing.  I'll start feeling more confident about where I'm leading us, my Knight will say something random that makes me start questioning myself again. That's where we were two months ago, and I'm just now getting past it.  My knight is working on a writing contract. The person he's writing for happens to be a friend of mine, and she mentioned that she was getting fed up and frustrated with her some of her new writers who sign the contract and then don't update her on how things are going. She was pretty pissed, and somebody was in danger of not getting a second contract with her based on his lack of communication. So..I went home and asked my knight if he had taken the time to email and update B on his progress. Of course, the answer was no. So, I told him about my conversation with B and let him know that I would be changing his writing schedule to reflect her needs from her writers.  My knight promptly ignored my schedule changes and it turned into a big argument.  An argument that ended with him yelling at me that he didn't need or want my help. I was pretty stunned. That is really out of character for my knight, and I started to believe that maybe he was starting to resent all the changes in our relationship, and the FLR dynamic in general.

...and of course he wouldn't talk about it in any depth. When I tried to get his feelings on the matter I got one and two word answers. So, I dropped it.  As far as the writing contract goes, my knight did take my advice, and moved to my schedule changes on his own. He also apologized for being an ass and claimed he didn't mean it.....he was frustrated and felt like I wasn't listening to him.I explained that I was listening to him...but I disagreed completely, and really just needed to do what I told him to.

After the smoke cleared, I tried again to tell him how his comment had shattered my confidence regarding our FLR. I told him I needed to know if he was actually enjoying the dynamic, or if he's just tolerating it. For an answer I got, "I've already apologized, what more do you want from me?"

That didn't help.

I didn't stop the FLR, my expectations of my knight didn't change, but I became a lot less obviously dominant. I quit reminding him that he belongs to me, stopped running my fingernails over him as I told him to complete a task. I started asking instead of telling. Granted, he knows that even when I ask, it's not much more than a polite demand, but the difference is obvious in his reactions.

I tried talking to him again about how I was feeling.  And, again, I got nowhere. We fell into a routine of not talking about what was going on.

Until finally I had enough. One night I asked him  quite bluntly if he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic. His answer surprised me, "I don't know."  It felt like he was hedging --- saying he didn't know until he could determine what I wanted.. You know ... the "I dunno, what do you want to do" routine. My knight is the master of that.

I told him that I wanted to continue the FLR and that even though I had been not been acting overtly dominant, that my expectations of him had not changed.  Then I told him I had had enough of the distance between us, and had enough of him just going through the motions and being emotionally checked out on us. From here out I would be quicker to punish and and punishments would be more tangible and not at all orgasm related.  He seemed to perk up a little bit.

He told me that he felt like I wasn't listening to his feelings during the book contract argument two months ago, and that at the end of the argument when I said I would no longer help him schedule his writing time..that he was on his own there.... it had really thrown him for a loop. He said that he depends on me to help him find his writing time, without neglecting me or the kids and  that he needs the FLR to give him the structure of knowing exactly what I expect from him. Then he told me that he's lost without my guidance because not knowing exactly what I want from him at every given moment causes a distracting amount of stress for him. He gets something, emotionally, when  I'm actively dominant over him in our everyday lives.  It reminds him that I love him for who he is.




Thursday, February 7, 2013

Approaching 60,000

This blog is approaching 60,000 pageviews. When I started this, I never expected anybody to read what I had to say. I started QnK as a way to talk to myself and work out the changes I was initiating in my marriage. I wanted some sort of written record to refer back to when I was unsure if we were on the right path - and I didn't want it on my laptop where my kids could find it. This blog has served that purpose, and many more besides. I have learned a lot from the people who read this blog, and from the blogs I read regularly.

I've decided that I need to do something to celebrate the 60,000th pageview.  So... I am holding a contest. I think I've mentioned that I make all natural herbal products. One of the products I made is massage oil that doesn't run. When stored below 70 degrees, it is semi- solid. When you get some from the jar and rub it between your hands, it turns liquid. I came up with the recipe because I hate typical runny massage oil. It's runny, it never stays where you want it, and it makes a mess on the sheets. My coordination isn't always the best because of the M.S, and I have accidentally dumped a half bottle of my favorite oil all over our bed more than once. So... I created my own.

The contest winner (s) will receive ONE 8oz container of my homemade massage oil in the scent and strength you choose. The winner will be announced Saturday, Feb 16, 2013 and the oil will be shipped that same day, or the following Monday.

Contest details: Tell me your  favorite scent or type of massage oil, and why it's your favorite. There is no need to be graphic -this isn't an erotica writing contest. You may either post your answer in the comments section OR email to me at sexyangelique@gmail.com.

I will randomly chose one or two entries from among my 20 favorite answers.




Monday, February 4, 2013

So Proud

I am so very proud of my Knight. We are currently doing another round of orgasm denial.  His last orgasm was Christmas night, so including today it's been 41 days. That is the longest he's gone without an  "oops" with me intentionally teasing and playing. In the past there has been an "oops" between 20 and 30 days.

What changed? I think I did. Shortly after I started this round of denial, I told him that I expected there to be no more "oops" at all. Ever. I explained that for each round of denial, I have a goal in mind. Most of the time that goal is something solid, and measurable, like wanting to see  a certain behavior from him, sometimes the the goal is something fun for me "go X number of days," or "How long can I keep it going until I really want to see him come." I told him that it really.... really pisses me off when he screws up my goals for us with an "oops", because no matter what he tries to tell me I know it happens because he gets careless and lets it happen. Those "oops" ruin the whole thing for me.

My Knight seems to have taken me seriously, because despite my best efforts, there has been no "oops."  I'm super proud of him.

No.. I have not intentionally been trying to get him to screw it up.. but I have been trying to tease and/or initiate sex play at least every day or two. I've not let myself get so busy that I forget.  Maybe that's the difference, I don't know. It seems to me the more often we engage in sex play, the more difficult it would be to hold off the orgasm. Especially since my tease sessions tend to be long(ish) and intense. A lot of times I bring him to the edge and back down three or more times over the course of an hour or so just because I love how overly sensitive he gets. (what can I say? I love watching him squirm.)
But.... what do I know - I'm not the one living orgasm denial.

I have noticed that my Knight is more emotional and more needy when I don't tease or initiate some sort of sex play, even if it's only one or two days between.  He seems to do better when I include the tease time, even if it's only lightly playing with his cock before we fall off to sleep.

There were a couple days last week where he was not completing his daily tasks, but I changed the system to daily accountability, instead of weekly, and asked him to write the lists down on paper as well as save them in his email. So.. hopefully that will help when he gets overloaded with emergency projects at work and his head is filled with database stuff.


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Long conversation with myself

To continue my thoughts from yesterday.. Maybe.. just maybe I can help solve our problem by helping my Knight to reform the images in his head of what it is to be submissive. We all know that, in  general, the media paints a pretty lousy image of submissive guys.

But.. If I can help my Knight to rebuild his own images and ideas of what it means to be submissive, then maybe I can help him come to terms with his own tendencies.  So - how do I go about that?

My thoughts are pretty simple.. I do know that in the past, reminding my Knight that when you get right down to it, nobody's opinion of him really matters... except mine and his. Most of the time, when  he's having an issue with something, reminding my Knight  that it's MY opinion that impacts his life, and then telling him exactly what my opinion is helps him a lot especially when my opinion is the same as, or more favorable than, his.  Somehow, I need to use  that influence to help him accept this part of himself.  Knowing that I accept it should help. I spent a good couple years trying to shoehorn him into "typical 50/50" because I didn't understand what he needed and because of my own images of a "fair relationship" brought on by my upbringing, past relationships, and media influence.  It took me awhile, but I finally understood that he wanted me to guide him, to be in charge. I still don't pretend to understand, but the dynamic is okay with me. When  we first talked about FLR, my Knight was concerned that I would "get tired of it" or that it "would become a burden." I will admit that sometimes I forget or neglect to do my part because I get busy, but any major change in habits or lifestyle change is like that.. you have to think about it until it becomes second nature. Being submissive to me is just how my Knight is wired.. it's first nature to him. Allowing myself to be dominant is a new habit for me.. it IS a lifestyle change, and it is taking time to become second nature. But, that doesn't mean that I don't want to, or that I don't like the change. It's not a burden, it's just change.

For me, the greatest reward to this change has been watching my Knight in the process. I've said it before.. since we started FLR, my Knight is more confident, more secure, more creative, happier, willing to take more risks, depressed less, he seems to get more enjoyment and contentment from our sex life, and he smiles more.  Yep. That's worth it to me.

Yes, I'm kind of rambling here, but I'm thinking out loud, so to speak.  If my Knight has gained so much through my bumbling efforts at FLR, then, yeah.. he is submissive. I don't see any difference between FLR and "submissive male." Maybe it's a matter of degree, but it's basically the same thing... the male wanting/needing the female to be in charge of some or all aspects of his life for whatever reason.  Somebody needs to be in charge in a marriage type relationship. The only reasons so many people think that person should be the male is because either that's all they know, or because it's all they have ever been exposed to in real life, or through the media.  (If you doubt the need for someone to be in charge, just look at any organization that is run by committee. Nothing EVER seems to get accomplished)

My Knight has said more than once that he doesn't understand my focus on our flr. That he's "always been that way." When I try to understand how his brain works and what he wants he always looks at
 me like I've got 2 heads. He tells me "I just want you to be happy," without any comment on what makes HIM happy. He tells me there is no reason to evaluate what is working and what's not.... to just do what makes me happy, and he'll follow along because his only desire is to see me happy. Wow.. reading that it sounds like I am an unhappy person..... but I'm not. I'm generally happy and content.

Of course, then he gets passive aggressive and we end up arguing.

There's more to this thought, but it's time for me to take kids to lessons... .......

so....If you made it this far in my pointless talking to myself, maybe you have suggestions on how I can help my Knight become comfortable with idea that it's okay for him  to talk to tell me what he wants, needs and gains from being submissive to me.... from being my Knight. Because that is what I am trying to understand.. I want to know what he needs, wants, and gains from our flr, so that I can better meet that role.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

More on Locking

I love this post from Tom at The Edge of Vanilla.

I do not currently lock my Knight. I might in in the future, but at this very second he's not locked. However, he is not free to handle his cock whenever he wants, either. It may be a part of his body, but it belongs to me, and I get to say if and when my Knight plays with it. I  get to say if, when and how he comes.

I love having that control. It's sexy. It's special. I love knowing that my Knight won't come and won't masturbate without my instruction.  I'm the only person on the planet who has that control over him, and that is just amazing.

My Knight has been having a rough time coming to terms with his submission. Yes, we can talk about it. Yes, he jokes about it sometimes. But when it comes to really accepting it, and being able to talk about what he wants, what it does for him, and where he'd like to see it go..? Forget it. Hell...he even hates the word "submissive." My Knight loves it when tell him he is mine, or that he belongs to me. Anytime I remind him the he belongs to me, it's obvious that those words make him happy down to his core. He seems to gain confidence and strength from being reminded that he is mine, and I expect him to act like he belongs to me. If I use the word "submissive" or "submission" his whole attitude is different. He tells me, "I am not submissive," even though his behavior and attitudes are completely
submissive.

Where am I going with this? I see it as the same kind of thing that Tom is talking about.  In his head, My Knight does what I tell him to because he belongs to me, and because I value him enough to direct and control his energy, sexuality and everyday efforts. In his head, (I think -- we have not been able to talk this out, so I am basing my opinion on his reactions and things he's said)  I show that I value him when I am the dominant partner. When I don't dominate him, my Knight questions his place in my life.

But in most media, submissive men are usually portrayed as weak. My Knight does not want to be (and is not) weak. He certainly doesn't want me to see him as weak. But, to admit to being submissive is to identify with those images given off by society as submissive.

Wait. I think I just solved my own problem.

Thanks, Tom.



NOTE: I am in no way saying that submissive men are weak. I am saying that the general impression given by media of weak submissive men is wrong, and damaging to men like my Knight. And that general media impression might be part of our communication problem.





Monday, January 21, 2013

Talking and Thinking

Over the past few days I've talked to my Knight several times about how important it it to me that he share his thoughts and feelings regarding FLR, submission and orgasm control and denial with me. I told him we absolutely have to talk about what we're doing, and why. I have to know he's getting what what he needs from our D/s dynamic, and I need input from him in order to adjust our methods, and find what works best for each of us. This has pretty much our topic of conversation all week. At one point over the past week, I told my Knight that the only way to keep the dynamic is for him to start talking honestly to me about his thoughts and feelings.

Last night was our night alone. Once a week my 17 yr old watches the younger kids so my Knight and I can have the whole evening and night to ourselves. Last night, instead of going out, we hid in our bedroom and watched movies alone. When the third movie finished, I told my Knight to turn off the computer,  we needed to talk about the constant bickering that's been going on between us. He closed my laptop, kneeled in front of me and put his head on my chest. We sat like this for over an hour talking about why things have been so difficult for us lately. I pointed out that he's being passive aggressive when he ignores my instructions, and when he intentionally blows off things that I expect of him. I pointed out the difference in his attitudes on those days when he's on top of things, as opposed to those days when he claims to "forget" things. I told him that the difference is obvious to me. I pointed out that he would have a better chance of getting what he needs by talking to me, instead of doing the passive aggressive thing. I HATE passive aggressive thing. It it probably the single fastest way for him to completely and totally piss me off.

His answer? That he doesn't always realize he's done it until afterwards -- at that point  the damage is done and it's too late to fix it.  He never intentionally blows things off, but he can see where sometimes he's more "forgetful" than other times, and he agrees there is something going on emotionally at those times. We tried to talk about what he's feeling during those times, but he can't even put it into thoughts, let alone put it into words. 

After all this time, he still struggles when it comes to putting his thoughts and feelings into words. 

So... I think at this point the best thing I can do is focus on three things:

1. Reminding him that "submissive" isn't a bad word.. that it's okay with ME when he shows his submissive side.

2. Being more overtly and actively dominant. I've mentioned before that I tend to fall into routine of expecting my Knight to "just follow the rules" I think he needs to see, and feel my dominance more. Or.. maybe he needs it to be "okay" for him to feel submissive more often. Either way, that brings me to number three.

3. Explore with my Knight what actions, thoughts, and feelings cause him to feel most submissive. And then encourage those things. 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Intentional vs Unintentional Punishment

I've been thinking about my comment on punishment. In my last post I said that I have no interest in punishing my Knight whether it be corporal punishment, or not. As I was turning that over in my head, it occurred to me that regardless of my interest or intentions, maybe I end up punishing my Knight anyway. When I'm unhappy with his actions I don't flirt as often, I'm not as affectionate as I am when all is well between us. It's not something I do intentionally - it just happens as a natural consequence of my feelings of disappointment. Because I do expect my Knight to meet deadlines, complete tasks I request of him, and in general not screw things up or make things difficult , I do feel disappointed in him when he doesn't do as asked.

Maybe.. intentional punishment would be better.. more clear, more direct and more quickly resolved that what happens unintentionally?

It's something to think about.


Monday, January 14, 2013

Update on My Goals

2103 is the year for me to learn to lead intentionally. In my last post I mentioned that for January my goals are to be more specific in my instructions to my Knight, and to find three times each day where I can be more flirty with him.

So far I think I've done a good job being specific in my instructions and in giving my Knight deadlines on each list item.  Unfortunately, my Knight has been less than observant of those deadlines, and has been ignoring his weekly task review requirement. The writing assignment which I mentioned in my last post still remains uncompleted, despite my giving extra writing time, and new deadlines. I will admit that I am pretty upset with my Knight over this. The writing assignment was a lead in to our monthly goal review, which I have now had to postpone twice because my Knight did not do the writing assignment.  I want the writing done before the goal review so that my Knight has some clue what he wants to say when we talk. I absolutely hate it when I ask my Knight how a  particular rule is  or is not working for him and he answers with, "I don't know. It's the rule, what's there to say?"  He does it a lot. My feeling is that if he's not going to participate in the discussion, then why should I bother. For me to be content with the FLR, my Knight needs to be an active participant in the relationship. To me that means KNOWING how he feels, (even if he doesn't understand why), and sharing those feelings with me.

Even though I'm being more specific and giving hard deadlines of when I expect my Knight to complete tasks, he's been stretching those deadlines on things other than writing, too. For example, the other day told my Knight I needed him to bring in a file cabinet from the garage, and move it into my office. Three days after the deadline, the job was still not done. Once again I had to make the move to do it myself before he even started the job.

I don't get it.

As for the goal for being more flirty.. I have to say I've probably failed here just a bit. When I am discontented with my Knight I tend to be less touchy-feely. Since I've been irritated with him for not doing the writing assignment, I've not really wanted to spend the energy flirting or teasing him. So, no I have not met that second goal. I've tried.... but I feel that if he won't put forth the effort to complete assignments on time, then why should I go out of my way to be more flirty than usual? There have been no real tease sessions since he missed the writing deadline for the same reasons. Yes, there has been a little bit of cock play, but nothing out of our ordinary.

Obviously I am missing something here. But, I have no idea what that is.  I know several of you will suggest that I resort to corporal punishment when my Knight breaks the rules, but that is not going to happen. I have absolutely no interest in going there. I don't even have any interest in non-corporal punishment. I feel that my Knight should follow the rules, and meet my requests simply because these are my wishes. He agreed to be submissive to me.... to follow my lead, and my rules where ever they may lead us. So.. he should DO that.

We've been doing this for over a year... and I still don't understand him. It's not that I'm not trying, though. I do try to understand what he wants and needs from FLR. But when he won't talk to me, and won't complete writing assignments, what am I supposed to do?


Thursday, January 3, 2013

Intentional Leading

I am bad about forgetting to intentionally lead my Knight. I get caught up in the day-to-day of raising and homeschooling the kids, running both our businesses, writing etc, and I forget to take the time for the extras that make flr fun for my Knight. It's easy for me to become so focused on whatever I'm doing that I don't tease my Knight during our day.

My personal goal for January is to actively look for ways to flirt with or tease my Knight at least three times every single day sometime before we go to bed for the evening. While it might sound simple to a lot of you, we are super... super busy and both of us tend to tunnel vision into what we're doing. Being that focused has its benefits and drawbacks. The benefits are that we tend to accomplish a lot, and we usually have quiet a few joint and individual projects going on any given time. But, of course the main drawback is that sometimes I forget to flirt with my Knight. I think my lack of flirting sometimes leaves my Knight feeling neglected. He's a very touch-focused guy. He never walks past me without a kiss or a touch, not so much because I need it, but because my Knight needs that touch.

I believe that part of leading is making it a point to be proactive in meeting the needs of the other person.. so I will make it a point to slow down and touch or kiss my Knight each time I pass him.

I'm also working on giving him "better" instructions on a daily basis. Right now, I give him a list of tasks to be completed each day. That list usually includes what time I expect him home from work (he's salaried, and tends to get absorbed in whichever project he's working on and ends up working late. ), and what chores he's responsible for in the evenings. Sometimes I include an flr writing or "think about so we can talk about it later" type assignment. Those are mostly reserved for evenings when I have plans outside the house.  Tonight's assignment is to write 500 words or more about what he enjoys about orgasm control.  I'm trying to decide how long this session of denial will be. I've got a number in mind, but I want to know what he's thinking first.

Really..... I think this month is mostly about really thinking about what I want from my Knight and intentionally leading him in that direction, instead of taking a day-to-day approach like I 've  been doing.