Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Trust is First Importance....

Last night, my knight and I had a very good conversation. I called him on some of our FLR issues, and insisted we explore the reasons behind them. He finally admitted to having a hard time really trusting. I've known all along that was the problem, and with what he experienced with his ex, it's no surprise. But, this is the first time he's admitted it to me - maybe even the first time he's admitted it to himself. He's afraid of losing himself in the power dynamic and getting hurt. He gave himself fully and completely to his ex, and she well.... tried very hard to destroy him. His ex has a very severe mental illness, and is in full time care now. While they were not openly practicing any form of power play I'm sure he was quietly submissive to her. And, now, I want him to openly explore live his submissive desires, and he's afraid of a repeat Like I said, I knew that was the issue we've been butting out heads up against, but any time I suggested it was a trust issue, my knight denied it telling me "Babe, I trust you completely."

He wants to trust me completely, and he wants to give in to his submissive feelings. Now that he's admitted that trust is the base issue here, I'm hoping we have better progress with trust building activities. I'm going to play more with restraints, blindfolds, and putting him in situations where he has no choice but to trust me. In the past he's always said he was interested in these things, but when presented with the situation, he freezes, unsure how to act or react.

I need to learn to be more confident and encouraging when I'm trying to do something we've never done before. When he freezes, or seems unsure of how to respond, I usually back off because I'm never sure if he stops because he's nervous and unsure, or if it's because he's not interested. We talked about that issue a week ago, and he told me that he freezes because he's unsure how I want him to respond, so he just stands there and does nothing. So, I will work on putting him in new situations, and then NOT backing off when he's unsure how to react. I'm too sensitive that a lack of a response might be an unspoken "no". I need to trust him to find his voice and say "no" if the answer is really "no"

That's always one of my biggest concerns in our FLR explorations and sex play.... I never want to insist he do something he's not willing to do.. and if I'm unsure of his reaction, I assume a "no". But that's not getting us where either of us want to be.. We both want a deeper FLR experience, and more adventurous fantasy play... We won't get there unless I lead us....

So.... I will start intentionally working on trust building.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Quiet, But Still Here

We're still here. My knight and I have been incredibly busy lately. The unpacking is done, but there are carpets to pull out, and hard wood floors to put in.  Grown daughter #2 was with us for about a month, which put a hold on the open FLR activities. Grown daughter #2 doesn't get it, and is very judgemental toward me when I give my knight lists and make requests of him. She's all of 18, just moved out on her own, and lives in the idealistic world of the young where "equal" means splitting everything 50/50 all the time, and everybody being treated "the same." It's not worth the fight, so, I tend to tone it down when she's around.  She'll learn on her own. 

Grown daughter #1 came home for a week visit, then she went back to where she lives and back to her job.

Since grown daughter #2 left for college, I've been thinking about the fun knight and I can have when all the kids are grown. Our youngest is only 8, so we have some time, but it will be fun when I can insist he not wear clothes in the house, and when I can take him out to our rather thick woods so we can take nude photos of each other. My knight has a bit of an exhibitionist streak in him, and I think it would be fun to take him deep into our woods for a bit of cock play in front of our camera. He wouldn't get to come, though.

He and I have not been talking about the FLR aspect of things at all lately. At one point he told me he wasn't sure he wanted the FLR dynamic, so I backed off. We started arguing again because he was scatterbrained, and unreliable again. I didn't comment on it our arguing, or the cause of it, I simply started sending him daily lists, and letting him know that I was not longer "asking" him to do things, I simply expected them to be done. Even when we're not actively doing the FLR thing, I still control his orgasms, he rarely comes without my express permission any more. That held true even after he told me he wasn't sure he still wanted the FLR dynamic. Whether it's habit, or something else, I don't know, but I LIKE being in full control of his orgasms.  I approached the subject of locking him before the move, but he didn't answer me, and we got busy and preoccupied with moving across country.