- see a doctor to find out why he's having memory issues, and he MUST see that process to some sort of conclusion unless I tell him otherwise
- take full responsibility for things he forgets, start keeping log of things he's forgotten and share that log with me so that I always have access to it.
- be *totally and completely* honest with me about everything AND
- stop hiding things from me and understand that the stuff he feels he has to hide from me, is the stuff he NEEDS to tell me.
- Start following the depression protocol I gave him-- no exceptions and no excuses.
- Agree to go to ER with me if I decided any memory lapse was worth the trip.
- Fully live our FLR lifestyle and stop trying to straddle the line.
- Start showing appreciation for the many, many things I do for him.
that, if he did these things, I would give him ONE more chance to make things right. IF he earned the right to a last chance, it would be on the condition that if he *ever* lied to me or hid *anything* from me *ever* again, I would tell him to leave without any discussion, and if he was not home when I discovered the dishonesty I wouldn't even allow him to come home from where ever he was. But as it stood last Monday, I really just wanted him to leave, and we were finished. I told him until he found a place to live he could either sleep in his son's room (the son is in residential treatment), or on the couch, but he was not welcome in my bedroom. And then I gave him a final move out date.
Well, it seems that a week sleeping alone, looking for a place to live and packing has caused him to reevaluate his behaviors and his opinions. Since last Monday when I told him I wanted him to leave, he has been trying very hard to be a good submissive husband, with little to no encouragement from me.
Late last week he let me know that he scheduled a doctor's appointment for late September, and asked if I'd go with him. He's also admitted that maybe the depression and the memory loss could be connected. AND is making a solid effort to change the way he handles times when we bring it to his attention that he's forgotten something. He's admitted that his anxiety is causing problems between us and he needs help to manage it.
Sometime Friday he let me know, by his actions, that he understands he's been straddling the FLR line and making my world difficult and causing stress. While he didn't put it into words, he DID start behaving like *MY* submissive husband again. He was by no means "perfect" this weekend, but he did TRY, and that's all I've ever asked of him.
He's come clean about the things he was hiding from me over the last month or so, and why. He tried to apologize, but I told him that after the week before when he apologized and then repeated the action, I had no desire to listen to another meaningless apology. He makes it up to me by NEVER hiding anything from me again.
Saturday when our daughter pointed out something he'd said he'd help her with, but forgot, he started to try to cover it, but stopped himself mid-sentence. Instead he apologized to her for forgetting, and looked to me for permission to stop what we were doing and go do what he had told our daughter he would do. I gave that permission and the two of them went off of to complete the task. I had one very happy 10 yr old.
Saturday morning, he asked me what I wanted him to eat for breakfast, and asked what supplements he was supposed to take. Same thing on Sunday.. This morning, I made his breakfast while he was in the shower because we got up late. He took his supplements before he left for work, and took his breakfast with him.
He put a lot of effort into US over the last week, and especially over the weekend. So, on Saturday night I invited him to sleep in my bedroom with me. I made it clear that he would be welcome only on a day-by-day basis, and that it would be determined by his behavior that day. If he screws up, he's back on the couch.
Sunday was good. We got up super late because we were talking. When we finally got out of bed, he made my coffee and his breakfast, and took his supplements without hassle. We went to fighter practice, and that went well. It was clear that he was paying attention to the things I had told him. Last night when we got home from fighter practice, I pointed out that he had forgotten to do the dishes before we left. He got up and took care of it without a word of protest. (unusual. Typically he argues the point). Around 9, I told him to go take a hot shower and some Kava because his neck was tightened up so badly he could barely move his head. (from a hit he took at fighter practice earlier) he started to protest, but stopped, and went to do as he was told. Later, he thanked me and said it had helped a lot.
This morning he didn't say "thank you" when I made his breakfast. I sent him an email a little while ago letting him know of his oversight. I told him that I will come up with a way for him to show me his appreciation tonight, since he was unappreciative this morning. He responded with an apology, and excuse about being brain fogged this morning. I answered that I didn't want to hear his apology, OR his excuse.. he will make it up to me tonight. I won't tolerate rudeness. I'll probably have him give me a full body massage until I fall asleep tonight. Yes, it's a pleasant "punishment" but.. at the same time, full body massage until I fall asleep used to be a routine thing, and I'd like to bring it back.. so this is a good way to start to do that. I did tell him that the next time he "forgets" to say "thank you" the consequences won't be as pleasant.. I expect him to be polite..
How much hope do I have that this will continue, and we'll work things out??
Honestly, not much.
His actions over the last week fit pretty well into the pattern I've seen from him over the last few years.. he gets lazy and inattentive to me, the kids and our marriage. I try to get him back on track and finally get angry because all he does is make excuses and we start fighting about it. At some point, he stops fighting with me and gets back on track for awhile. He's on his "best behavior" for a month or three (if I'm lucky), and then things start to go downhill again. Repeat.
It's been going on for a few years now.. and I can't figure out why we see the decline in his behavior. I have my suspicions.... I think it's his depression kicking in.. and he refuses to talk to me about what goes on his his head... BUT I'm not willing to continue the pattern.
Deep down, I hope we can work this out.. but so much of it depends on him following through with the doctor appointment, depression protocols and anything else that needs to happen in order to understand his memory lapses.