Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Stuck in a Circle

You would think that with the teenager gone my Knight and I would be using our temporary free evenings to play and experiment with the more D/s aspects of this FLR we started.

You'd be wrong. The teenager has been gone for nearly a week and we've not done anything different than we usually do. I've spent a good portion of the day today mulling over the reasons for this. It's not my Knight's doing - he's pretty consistent in his daily routine, and in the evenings that routine involves checking in with me for further instructions after just about every activity. My Knight doesn't always do the right thing, but I believe he tries.

So....if the reasons for our lack of experimentation don't involve my Knight, then there is only one other place to look. That would be me.

I am still hesitant to experiment and push things to see how far my Knight wants to take this.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm still not convinced this is what my Knight wants. I still question whether he agreed to this because he wanted it, or to keep the peace and avoid divorce that was looming over our heads a year ago. I'm questioning whether or not this was the right path for us..... I'm questioning whether or not I"m "doing it right" (which boils down to whether or not I'm giving my Knight the guidance and direction he wants from me). I'm wondering how I can be a better leader for my Knight.. And wondering what he wants from this arrangement.

Which brings us right back to the lack of communication issue.

Each time I talk to my Knight about what he wants from our FLR arrangement he says almost the same thing. "I want you to be happy."

Now, I get that wanting to see me happy is a big motivator for him. BUT I still believe there is a personal motivation behind him wanting this, and THAT is what I want to know. Nobody is an empty slate.. we all have needs, and desires that we hope our partner will fulfill. Why won't my Knight share his with me? The fact that he continues to avoid sharing with me causes me to question if this is really what he wants. It's a never-ending circle. One that I really must find a way out of.

I suppose I could make assumptions and educated guesses about my Knight's motivations and act accordingly. I know him pretty well,and usually my guesses are right, or very close. But if I guess wrong I could end up hurting his feelings and damaging the trust between us. I don't want to do that. I've come to a place where I actually want him around again. I look forward to spending time with him. I'm starting to depend on my Knight again, and I don't want to do anything that might inadvertently put us back where we were a year ago. So, getting him to share his personal reasons for wanting this, and finding out where he wants it to go is kind of important.

Which puts me back on the hamster wheel because he won't tell me.

And yet.. I get the feeling that my Knight is waiting for me to bump the intensity up a bit with my teenager gone. Okay, I'm not unwilling, but it's a bit tough to know which way to increase the intensity if he won't tell me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I never expected this to be simple, but I did expect some input from my Knight.








17 comments:

  1. I know only too well about how difficult it is to express what you would really like from a WLM or FLR. In my own case, it's because i am concerned that it would put Jane off the whole thing, and I don't want to lose what little "dominance" she has over, by asking for more too quickly.

    I wonder if your knight is the same. I don't believe that his only motivation is your pleasure, what he is saying, I think, is that he wants you to enjoy being the dominiant partner, enjoying having him well and truly under your spell, and wanting to encourage his submission.

    I would suggest that you write down all that you would like and expect from him, how he should behave towards you, what he must do for you and what you expect.

    Ask him, no tell him, to do the same, but tell him that you want him to be as honest as possible, and that nothing should be left out. You will decide what is accpetable or not, but that he should put down everything. You may also instruct him to explain against each entry why it would excite or arouse him.

    I wish Jane was as more forthcoming and willing to explore our WLM more fully.

    Good Luck

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    1. I don't believe my happiness is his only motivation, either. I've told my Knight several times to write out what he wants from this --what excites him about FLR, I've asked him what he thinks will help motivate him to do better when he messes up, and what would reward him when he does something exceptional.

      His answers are always the same. "I don't know" and "Do whatever you think will help keep me on track"

      Not very helpful or informative at all. His lack of involvement makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong.

      Delete
  2. Mistress Angelique,

    Nature has provided a convenient bodily indicator for women to see if they are having an effect on a man that the man is enjoying. If you two are alone, perhaps your husband should be nude at nights.

    If you walk up behind him while he is nude and gently touch his hips while he is at the kitchen sink washing dishes or cleaning up and you tell him, "you like to have me make you clean up, don't you." and you see him melt and an erection form, then you know he is really liking being dominated. If your touch has no effect, they you know to try something different.

    I have heard that domme's do enjoy the overt indicator that nature has provided them and men are powerless to control. For me, being nude and vulnerable in the presence of a fully dressed domme is an enjoyable situation which I actually crave. Especially if she overtly expresses her dominance over me.

    Sincerely,

    -SH

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  3. That was my original plan with my teen gone: to have my Knight strip shortly after the younger kids went to bed. They never come downstairs after bedtime, and on the off chance that one of them has a nightmare or something there is more than enough warning time for my Knight to grab a robe. But, like everything else I've been hesitant. Before my teen left I mentioned my intentions to step things up a bit, and to have him nude after the kids went to bed. His response was agreeable, but not enthusiastic. Which again made me wonder if he's just going along to avoid and argument.

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  4. My guess is that you are worrying too much about what your man wants or dosen't want. FLM is about you being the authoity person in a husband's life. It is not really about games, but there is nothing wrong with play. For many men there is no substitute for true female authoity in their life. When you ask your guy about this or that, he probably feels that you are just playing a femdom game instead of living the life that he needs.

    Make sure that you guy understands that you are truly in a femdom marraige. You may have done it for him in the first place, but there is no going back. Instead of taking time to play, have him spend an evening cleaning the house while you go out to dinner with a girl freind. Let him understand that you will carefully inspect his work upon your return. If you trust your girlfriend let her help with the inspection. It will incresae his feelings about being under female supervison.

    Also, keeping a man naked or in little panties makes it easier for him to submit to your authority. It is an ego thing. Other little rituals are important for a man to follow. When John arrives home from work he greets me by droping to the floor. For greetings I put my right foot out for him to kiss. After the kiss he is allowed to stand, and we talk husband to wife like any other couple. The little ritual, however, is a way for John to show his respect for me as his wife and mistress. And yes, I have lerned to like the sense of
    deference that comes with having a husband that shows his respect. When John is ready to leave the house in the morning, he finds me, and drops to the floor. While he is donw on his knees, I might ask him a question or two about his day, or give him instrucitons about going to the grocery on the way home or making sure the car is filled up with gas. When I ready to dismiss him, my left foot goes out. That is his siganl that he is allowed to leave for work.

    Ritual is important for a man. Once he understands that you truly want to be his mistrss, ritauls are not a aprt of role playing. The real question is do you really want to live the life of a mistress wife>

    Love Kathy

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    1. Kathy, You're right about a lot of things:

      I am probably overly concerned about what my Knight wants and doesn't want. I tend to be a perfectionist, and maybe in my reach to do this "right" I'm spending too much time evaluating and analyzing.

      There is no going back to 50/50 for us. We've discussed it a couple times. Neither of us wants to go back. Heck, the fastest way for me to bring him back in line when my Knight is not following directions or is trying to debate something I've declared not up for debate is for me to offer to drop the FLR aspect and go back to 50/50.

      I need to incorporate some simple rituals into our daily life to remind both of us what we're doing and why.

      Thanks for your input. Your advise is always helpful.

      Delete
  5. Angelique,
    Every time you write about your frustration of your husband not sharing his feelings by saying essentially "he just won't tell me how he feels" I wonder that he's not being straight with you. I say that because of one thing - he is a writer. Writers are really good at expressing their thoughts. That is, unless he is just a technical writer, but even then, they need to be able to analyze and explain. I keep thinking that he is just not being forthcoming with you and that there must be a reason for that.

    The other thought I had when reading your post is this: why do you need to push things further and experiment? Are you not happy with his service as it exists now? If not you should change your expectations so that you are and if so, then isn't that where you need to be? As Kathy mentioned, femdom isn't about play but about a relationship. I hope that your husband is serving and doing those things that you want. Hope you two get things figured out. Thanks for writing.

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    1. LOL "Writers are really good at expressing their thoughts"

      Yes.. and No. That is a stereotype that I only wish were always true. Yes, writers are good at expressing thoughts and ideas. But, many writers freeze up when trying to express their feelings. If I had a penny for every published writer I know who can put a story, or the thoughts and feelings of other people to paper, but for whom writing their own ideas and feelings is pure torture that induces severe writer's block, I would be a very, very wealthy woman.

      And, no, my Knight is not a tech writer. Technical writing is one of my genres. My Knight's not so great at the tech writing. He writes fiction and political essays.

      The reason I am focusing on play is because he asked me to. A few weeks ago we were talking about how far we want to take things - How strict should I be, what motivates him to do his best, what motivates and pushes his submissive buttons. My Knight's answer was that he really doesn't know. He said he doesn't understand this aspect of himself very well and he asked if we could explore it a bit. I decided the best way to do that is through games. Games are temporary, non-threatening ways to explore what he (we) might want to make a fixture of our relationship.

      I'm mostly happy with what he's doing now. But, every so often he'll do something the complete opposite of what he knows I want from him, or he'll start blowing off his daily responsibilities around the house, or he'll spend money slated for something else without talking to me first. Nothing earth shattering but enough that I'm upset or angry with him. After a major chew out and any other consequences he is back to being a fully dedicated sub. I can't help but think there is some emotional need he is trying to get met with this behavior. I'm trying to figure out what that is. He agrees there is something there, but doesn't seem to know *what*, exactly it is.

      Delete
  6. Ma'am I think that the response above is from KATHY and if I think that is who it is (KATHY WHO WRITES FEMDOM101) you have the best person in the world to talk to about being a domme. She is the BEST and if it would be possible for you to talk to her, OH MY, your problems would be solved.
    Also, there are quite a few sites that will help a lady become a domme.
    You still have 2 kids at home? Maybe, for your hubby, this is a turn-off as far as this lifestyle is concerned.
    #1 Get some info. from some sites, #2 talk with Kathy (If possible) and #3 talk with your husband.

    P.S. Kathy, if she is THE Kathy from Fem. 101, I'm sure, will help you.
    Good luck
    P.P.S. Your husband is going to have to "get involved" also, it can't and shouldn't just be you.

    Jellybean

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    1. Thanks, Jellybean. I am still learning.. and yes, Kathy is on of the people I read regularly. She's a great resource. I'm pretty sure our kids being home is not a problem for my husband. That's more my issue than his.

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. Dear Angelique,

    It sounds like you're approaching this from a "fulfilling HIS needs point of view", rather than a more "dommecentric" mindset. I'm sure that the purists among us might frown upon that, but if making him happy also makes you happy, then follow your heart.

    You're right in saying that "no one is an empty slate". I'm sure that he has desires that he's not expressing to you for whatever reason. Here's an idea....

    Assuming he has computer privileges, what sorts of sites would he browse if he were alone? Learning that might be the key to opening him up.

    "At all times" is very articulate, but I have to disagree with his analysis. My wife and I have recently embarked on our own FLR and believe me, when she asks for "suggestions", I do NOT hold back. Granted, I try to remain at least outwardly circumspect, but communication is NOT a problem.

    Consider... if a man has truly desired to submit to his woman, how can possible pass up on the opportunity to communicate the things he's been craving all his life?

    Best of luck,

    Jake

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    1. Hi Jake. In some ways I am approaching this from a standpoint of fulfilling his needs. But, my goal is to meet both of our needs. For any relationship to work both parties need to have their needs met. I can't meet his needs if I don't know what they are.

      I know what I want from this. I am very aware of my goals, needs and wants for our life, our family, and our marriage. What I'm unsure of is what my husband wants and needs from the FLR aspect of our marriage. He tends to ignore/deny his own feelings and needs for those he cares about. We argued and fought for 6 years because I tried to do things 50/50 and he wanted me to take control of everything. He couldn't put it into words,and deferring to me is such a natural thing for him that he couldn't understand why I was "fighting it." Now that we've moved to FLR he's told me more than once that he's afraid of saying or doing something "stupid" to screw it up and cause me go back to 50/50.

      So, yes, I can easily see where my husband could want to submit to me and still not be able to communicate his desires when given the chance.

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  9. Unlike several of the commenters, I think You are correct in Your desire to find what Your Knight wants and/or needs. After all, no relationship of any kind will last if one person feels unfulfilled. So I disagree that You are worried too much about "what he wants." I think it's a wonderful, loving, and very human way to feel.

    Nor do I feel that a Dominant Woman is OBVIOUSLY the best resource for getting to know a submissive man. Anyone with experience is worth listening to, regardless of their orientation.

    In my personal experience, it is sometimes difficult for me to know what I want from Mistress Delila. This is especially true when I am very deep in "sub mode." It isn't that I have no needs or desires; it is just that it is difficult for me to access them and put them into words. Mistress has learned a couple of methods for helping me articulate my desires:

    1) I write erotica for Her featuring just the two of us. Then She reads them and has me explain what the character in the stories are thinking and/or feeling. Doing this in third person helps me get around the block I have towards directing Her behavior.

    2) Ask "What would a perfect F/m relationship look like in this situation?" Knowing what is ideal can help identify where reality fall short - and it will always fall short.

    Combining these, it becomes easier to practice responding to Mistress' questions. Plus it gives Her the power to evaluate where we are and what direction we need to move in without me feeling like She is just doing what I say. In other words, I can remain submissive and still communicate my desires.

    Mistress also has me practice asking Her for things. If I can ask Her for the pepper; then I can ask Her to scratch my back. If I can ask Her to scratch my back; then I can ask Her to touch me. If I can ask Her to touch me; then I can ask Her to kiss me. If I can ask Her to kiss me; then I can ask Her to...well, You get the idea. The core of that is that She is always free to refuse me or tell me I must wait or any other response She wants to give.

    The benefit for me is that if I do not have an orgasm for a week, I know it is because She doesn't want me to have that release - not that She has become busy and forgotten it.

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    1. Hi Tomio. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I've tried having my Knight write erotica for me 5 years ago, or so. It was a disaster. He was not very comfortable writing it, and he became completely preoccupied with writing something I would like, instead of using it to share his fantasies with me. And this was *before* we started FLR. LOL.

      But.. it might be worth it to try again.

      I like the idea of having him write out what the ideal FLR looks like to him. I haven't done that yet. Thanks for the idea.

      Delete
  10. As I have mentioned in other posts, I sometimes have struggled in totally opening up to my Lady; perhaps out of fear and perhaps because I do not wish to burden her with a lot of my baggage. Luckily, she has been strong enough to make me open up, to communicate with her even when it's not my first instinct.

    I am very much aware that being the leader of a relationship and a Domme is incredibly hard work. Most of the burden it seems falls on my Lady. And there are times when I feel incredibly guilty about that -- like I'm not doing enough. However I think that's the nature of a FLR -- the leader assumes more (but not ALL) of the responsibility.

    One of my responsibilities as her submissive is to make her job as easy as possible. That means, among other things, to communicate with her; to give her information about my feelings, my desires, etc. Quite frankly, it doesn't seem like your knight is living up to his responsibilities in this manner at all. And this is making your job incredibly harder.

    Perhaps he's stuck in an emotional hamster wheel. Perhaps he just doesn't want any responsibility whatsoever. Either way, it's not fair or healthy long-term IMO. I think excuses and reasons are moot at this point (or soon will be). You can either send him an ultimatum and make him speak up or you can disregard his feelings and pursue your own wishes until he speaks up. Either way, a "shock to the system" is probably going to be the catalyst for him to change.

    Your frustration must be unbearable. I wish you the best.

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  11. Angelique - Given the time that has passed, it is likely your daughter is home again and alone time has passed. Regardless, as previously suggested, i suggest You start a daily requirement. Kneel and kiss entering and leaving the house is an excellent demonstration of respect. You can have an alternative if Your daughter is present and You do not want such a demonstration in front of Her.

    Next, i suggest You stop referring to "your Knight". You might refer to "Your knight". You are superior. he and i are not.

    Since he is not providing a lot of input into the content of Your FLR, i suggest You force the issue. i suggest You write Your own list of wants, needs, and actions. Sit Your sub down at the kitchen table with a pad of paper in front of him. Dictate Your list to him and have him write every word. Then have him read each item back to You. Tell him to add two or three more actions or behaviors to the lists, and read them to You. Now, i suggest You tell him to remove his cloths and stand at the table. If he is erect, You know he is ready to move forward. If he is not, he might have a medical blood circulation problem. If he is not erect, stand behind him with your arms around his waist. Tell him he can drop two items from the list. He is to read each item and say "i want to comply or do" or "please delete this action for me". Tell him to pause and think about each item before he decides. If he does not become erect, find a female doctor and schedule an appointment for him. When he has completed reading the list and asking You to delete two items, take hold of his cock, tell him to lean forward and cross off the two items You select (they do not have to be the ones he selected), tell him to sign the bottom of the page. Then tell him to turn around, drop to his knees, and thank You for helping him find his way to love, respect, and happiness. Tell him to kiss Your feet to seal the agreement. Now, do as You please.

    In a FLR You can lead a mule to water and you can make him drink. i do think this could help eliminate all future issues in Your relationship. The choice of 50/50, 60/40, or 95/5 is Yours.

    i wish you well

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