Friday, July 6, 2012

Time to Ourselves -- Almost

I am hoping my Knight and I can find some time to talk, play and explore the FLR aspect of things a bit more over the next couple weeks. My 16 yr old daughter is visiting my oldest daughter for the next week or so (my oldest is attending graduate school in another state). Then, both girls will go to yet another state to visit their bio-father. So, my 16 yr old will be gone for several weeks. That gives my Knight and I some much needed privacy.

Don't get me wrong. I adore my 16 yr old. She's a kid a mom can be proud of, and I am. But, my daughter is an idealistic teenager. She believes every relationship should be equal between the partners. So, she sees the dynamic between my Knight and I, and she does *not* approve. My daughter thinks I'm being unfair.

She sees my Knight come to me and ask "what's next" or "what's on my agenda for tonight, babe?", or she overhears me telling him which writing project to work on, and what the deadline is, or.. really any situation in which he defers to me, and my daughter rolls her eyes and gets irritated. When I ask my Knight to do something that I can obviously do myself my daughter calls me on it. I've explained to her that when I do everything myself her step-dad doesn't feel needed, and so I ask him to do things because it makes him happy. My Knight has explained it the same way.

But, I raised my daughter to be independent and strong. I raised her to do for herself and not take advantage of people. And sometimes she sees my Knight do something, like stop what he's doing to carry my sax to and from the car for me, and she think's I'm being unfair.

. My daughter's bio-dad is an alpha-type guy, and he is in complete control of his wife's actions and spending. I was a single mom from the time my 16 yr old was 10 months old until she was 9, and for the last 6 of our 7 years together, my Knight and I tried to do things 50/50. But, of course that didn't work and we argued a lot because of my Knight's submissive qualities. It's only been a year since I started embracing those traits and using them to my advantage. Of course my daughter sees the difference. My Knight and I don't argue anymore (much), but my daughter believes that my Knight is simply caving to me to keep the peace. (he's not... we have discussed this particular topic to death - he had to work hard to convince me that  he wasn't doing just that. )

Because of my daughter's reactions, my Knight and I try really hard not to discuss anything that could sound like a request or a direction when she's around.  And of course, she's 16.. it's not like we can just wait until she goes to bed.. she's often up later than we are.

So... we have the next 3 weeks or so to have talk openly, and do whatever we want after the younger kids to go to bed at 9pm. I'm hoping the extra time alone will help us both have more open conversations and give us more time to explore the FLR aspect of things.

9 comments:

  1. Oh, parent time.!! Sounds like fun. Enjoy.

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  2. Hi, that was a very inteesting post. From time to time I have the same type of issue with my duaghter. She is grown up, has a husband and a house of her own, but she sees the interaction between my husband and me. We have talked about femdom, the nature of our relationship. At times she is accpeting of it even to the point of giving her father instructions in my absence. At other times she seems to feel guilty about having a husband serve her. A part of the issue for her is the idea that a subserviant husband is less of a man, less of a life partner. She understands it for John and I, but is not ready to completly embrace femdom in her psersoanl life. However, there are instances where she appears to treat her husband as a submissve. This week she punished him for being late to pick her up. Like a lot of young womnen she is conflicted about femdom. The idea that a man's place is to serve and obey is still quite foreign to her. Love, Kathy

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    1. Kathy, How did you approach the topic when your daughter was younger?

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  3. Angelique,

    At the time John and I started the femdom relationship, our daughter was already away in college. As such, she did not grow up in an openly femdom house hold. Except for an old HBO special I knew very little about D/s when my world changed over night. Kathy

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  4. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38628278/ns/today-parenting_and_family/t/when-roles-reverse-rise-stay-at-home-husband/

    Mistress Angelique & Mistress Kathy,

    The above link is a recent article on MSNBC’s front page. I do not mention them on my blog when I come across them now since they are so frequent, to do so would require a full time blog. I had thought about something the like. For instance a blog called Global Matriarchy Now / GMN which would re-publish media reports of the trend and also upcoming matriarchy events. This would be an endeavor which would require more computer free time then my wife allows and it is just a secondary activity of mine.

    Anyway, the trend of men being second to women is quickly becoming a fixture in our society. Twenty years ago, a women living overtly as the authority figure in her marriage would have been something ridiculed mostly. Now it is more or less well known as just another alterative lifestyle which seems to be gaining acceptance in mainstream media.

    I have noticed when we go out to eat, the table server does not assume I am paying for the meal. I have not done so in about two years and my wife paying for the meals out does not cause comment by the staff and I get the feeling it is very common. To me it just one of the many indications of the shift occurring.

    What to do specifically about an aware 16 year old daughter, I would not venture a suggestion as you are much better suited to make determinations on the best course. From a macro societal stance, the change is clearly occurring in the public domain.

    Sincerely,

    -SH

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    1. SH.. your observations are close to my own. I have noticed the most times when my Knight and I go out to dinner the server gives me the check. Waitstaff typically address me when seating us or doing their routing table checks. Friends and acquaintances who don't know of our arrangement come to me to ask, "can I borrow him for a minute?" before asking my husband for assistance.

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  5. Parenting can be tricky. Anything I say has to be tempered with Your more complete understanding of Your daughter.

    I tend to think the best way to handle issues is head-on and age-appropriate. At sixteen, she is ready to hear about the non-sexual aspects of Your relationship...at least to some extent. Since it is new, she is going to have an adjustment period.

    Something that might help:
    There is a self-help (gag!) thing going around that identifies "love languages." One of these is physical touching. Another is doing things (service). I don't remember the other two, but the second seems to be most pertinent. Exactly how the message is worded has to come from You, but the thrust of it, I think, would be something like, "I know you think your step-dad is caving in to a shrewish and lazy wife in order to keep the peace, but this isn't what is happening. We realized that he feels more like he is loving me when he does things for me - especially things that I could do myself. So when I ask him to get me a glass of tea, he doesn't do it because he's afraid of angering me. He's doing it to say he loves me."

    How far You go in explaining Your dynamic depends a lot on how transparent You want to be and how much You think she is able to deal with. She doesn't need to know about Your kink - but she has a right to know about the power dynamics of the household.

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    1. Tomio, you're right.. she does have a right to know about the power dynamics of the household. And truth be told, nothing has really changed. I've been in charge since the day my husband and I moved in together. I was the last one to realize it. LOL. Even when the younger kids were 2 and 3 they knew mommy was the boss. Even if I didn't.

      But, until a year ago I at least made the attempt at 50/50. When we agreed to FLR I stopped making that attempt and just made the decisions. (okay.. it's been a learning process for me and I'm still working on it. ) Before FLR, my husband would offer to do things for me and I would tell him I could do it myself. After FLR I started accepting the offers and now I ask before he offers, or he does it before I ask. That's what bothers my daughter. She and I have talked about it. To her it seems that I'm taking advantage of him. Maybe..the only real answer is time and maturity on her part. We started the FLR before my oldest went away to college. I gave both girls the same explanation --it makes him feel like I need him, and he's happier when I'm calling the shots. When my oldest saw that my husband and I were no longer arguing and unhappy with each other she decided it was a good thing for us.

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  6. Mistress Angelique - Daughters seeing a 50/50 loving relationship is always good and sets a foundation for their futures. However, if they remember tension in that former relationship, and the possibility of a break-up, then seeing less tension and more love in a FLR, they could learn about the dynamic and development of a loving relationship. They can learn that they can take charge and create a better home.

    Marriage or "living together" relationships evolve and change. Even starting with a FLR, the relationship will change in small or large ways over the years.

    Your 16 year old may be dating. It is likely she will date some alpha males. Talking about how alpha male take advantage of women, disrespect women, and suppress women you can help her increase her own confidence and self respect. You can help her recognize when a man is selfishly demanding to much control and subtly, or overtly, disrespecting or diminishing her. You may be able to contrast your experiences with an alpha male and your current FLR relationship. Since your submissive husband enjoys serving you, you can enhance the value, in your daughters eyes, with a simple thank you. The "please" is always optional for a Mistress. A frequent comment for your sub like "I would be happy to help you with that, or I would be pleased to do that for you" could help your daughter understand the love and respect within the FLR. In appropriate discussion opportunities, your sub husband should express the joy, pleasure, love, and respect that is demonstrated in his submissive actions for you, and your daughters. Note, if he loves, respects, and is subservient to you, then he should love, respect, and become subservient to both your daughters (good life long change). He can reinforce how men should not take advantage and oppress women. While a good man will contribute 50/50 to a relationship, a relationship is better when the women is in charge.

    Your daughter is at the right age to learn how important and valuable she is. How she has the opportunity to take control of her life, her body, and her relationships. Build her confidence in her beauty, her skills (educational and social), her attitude toward life, and her rights to be a leader in all things. While you take greater control of your FLR, empower your daughter to take greater control of her relationship. Think about the advantage you give your daughter when she goes to college knowing she is important, she has value, and no man is going to take control away from her. She is the alpha.

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