Sunday, October 26, 2014

And.. We're Back

.... again.

A few days after my last post knight was having some difficulties with accepting his place as my submissive. He wasn't being defiant, but he was questioning his desire to maintain a power dynamic. Nothing, major,  maybe it was a mild depression, maybe one of the more dominant guys he works with said something completely unrelated that put him off, maybe a random thought about his ex wife made him reconsider, heck it could have been a random dream. I'll probably never know. The result of this was that he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to continue the FLR. I took that to mean he wanted to stop the dominant/submissive dynamic and go back to a 50/50(Ish) arrangement. I told him I thought it was a bad idea, but that I'd respect his request. So, I started including him in decisions, letting him decide what we did in the evenings, letting him find, and plan his own writing time, and basically moving toward a more equal distribution of power and responsibilities.

Can you guess how that went?   Within two weeks he and I were arguing because he was forgetting and messing up things left and right. By week 3, knight was in obviously depressed. By week 4 the kids were angry with him for not following through. In short, everything went to hell.  During week 6, I pointed out to him that things went bad shortly after he decided to stop the FLR. By some great exercise of self control I didn't suggest a return to the power dynamic. I had decided that if we resumed FLR, it would be because knight


asked for it. I'm tired of the back and forth.. I needed him to see and understand that we do FLR for HIM... not for me. So, I simply let my words hang in the air. Knight ignored them.

Things got worse. By this time we were sleeping on complete opposite sides of the bed, and I think he even spent a night on the couch because I was so angry with him. My son (12) started making comments like "No, I didn't ask dad for help, he can't be bothered to help us any more." I don't allow the kids to be at all disrespectful of either of us, he was right. I could see how the kids felt dad was no longer paying attention to them. He'd checked out on us emotionally. Sure, he was physically here, and he still did basic things with the kids, like read bedtime book each night. But, emotionally, he was somewhere else. If I wasn't absolutely sure where he was every minute of every day, I would have suspected an affair, but I knew that wasn't it.

It came to a final blow up 2 weeks ago. My step-son is 13 and has Autism and PTSD. He's been having some serious behavior problems and I've been dealing with everything alone because knight has been so distant.  One evening before bed, I told knight I needed a break from The Kid because the stress of his constant behaviors was getting to me.  Knight said nothing. He just sat there. I gave him 5 minutes or so, and then repeated myself.

He answered with "What do you want me to do about it?"

I looked at him, "What do you mean by that? I want you to pick up the slack, and help me with The Kid, and all the stuff I'm not getting done because of the sheer amount of supervision he needs right now."

"I'm at work all day. Besides, it looks like you've got it all under control. Why don't you have the other two help out more?" He told me.

"It's not their job to take care of their brother. It's yours. He's your son. I need your help, " I said.

Knight said nothing for for the next 30 minutes. In fact, he took so long to answer me that we both fell asleep. Nothing changed.

Needless to say, I was incredibly hurt and angry that he had reacted that way when I asked for his help. It's been a major issue between us ever since. Yesterday, he and I were outside, I asked him if this was going to be our new normal; if he was happy with the way things had developed over the last couple months.

He looked at me utterly surprised. "Of course not. This is what you want."

Huh? I asked him how he figured that, and he told me that I had stopped writing his daily lists, stopped keeping track of what he was supposed to do, and I'd stopped "giving" him writing time.

"Well.. of course I stopped those things. You asked to stop the FLR.That means you're responsible for keeping track of your own crap. It's not my job any more."

"But.. "

"No buts," I told him, "You asked to stop the FLR dynamic, by definition that puts you back in charge of your own day, and your won time. You have to make decisions for yourself now. It's what you wanted, and what I gave you."

"You stopped those things, and I thought you were mad at me," he said.

"Why? because I gave you what you asked for? Because I respected you when you asked for a more even power dynamic? Because you asked me to drop the FLR aspect, and I did what you asked.. just like I promised? That makes no sense."

We spent the next couple hours talking on and off, between kid requests and other things.

Finally, knight asked me if we could, please, go back to FLR.

I told him that I would only go back to it if he could admit that we operate under FLR because he needs it. In the past he's always said that he follows FLR because it makes ME happy.  It doesn't. FLR doesn't make me unhappy.. but I don't need to be his dominant in order to be happy, content and fulfilled in our marriage. He FINALLY admitted that being submissive to me pushes some sort of emotional button in him, and just makes things work. First he tried to tell me that it was an "us" thing.. that "it" (meaning d/s) only works for us because of the people we are. I told him that I believe he'd be this way.. need this.. from any one he's with, and pointed out just how much he let his ex wife run things, even though she was seriously mentally ill and had no business being in control of anything.  "yeah.. I see your point," he said.

He's finally admitted that he gets something emotionally from our FLR dynamic... that he needs it to be happy. He's finally seen what I see.. that his attitudes about everything change when I am not being dominant. He was finally able to see that it's not me who changes when we take these FLR breaks. HE is the one who changes.


Over the course of the evening knight's attitude started to shift. The anger started to fade away, he closed the distance he'd created between us. He started to become my sweet knight again. I've missed him.

We have a lot of work ahead of us.. a lot of rebuilding to do. It bothers knight that he doesn't understand why this works for him. He made the comment to me that "I'm enough like you that this shouldn't work. I should hate it."   But, he doesn't. I thrives under my control.  He asked me if the tables were turned, if I'd agree to such an arrangement. My answer was "Oh.. HELL no. If you had suggested I become submissive to you, I would have left. No question, we would have been over."

Then I pointed out that I didn't pull this out of the air. I pulled it from his words in our journal. I told him things would have been so much easier if he'd simply asked me for FLR, instead of making me figure out what he wanted.

His answer? "I tried. You fought the idea."

See the confusion there? In one breath he says "I should hate this" in the next he says "I tried to ask you for it"





11 comments:

  1. Good to see you back, I came here yesterday wondering where you had gone to, but I can see you had your reasons. I hope you can work everything out and get back on track.

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    1. Thanks. I'm glad to be back. I have been so frustrated with him that I was seriously considering just going back to our FLR rules without talking to him about it. That's not me.

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  2. Wow! You two have your work cut out for you. This has not been an easy arrangement for either of you from the get-go. If only he would let you lead and follow. Every time he does things seem to go much smoother than when he doesn't. I feel for both of you.

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    1. It's easy when he's on board with it. When he starts questioning things get..... difficult. When I sense uncertainty in him, I tend to back off. I have always been "bossy", and like most naturally "bossy" women, society has "trained" me to be sensitive to the feelings of people around me so that I don't push people away with my bossiness. End result - when he questions the FLR even to himself, I usually sense it and back off. Problem is that if I back off on being dominant he feels rejected.. I think, anyway. He has never said he feels rejected, he says that he feels like I'm mad at him. This time.. he flat out told me he wasn't sure he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic and could we go back to 50/50. Sure.. no problem. And it wasn't a problem for me.. but he felt rejected and acted accordingly.
      It's good to be back.


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    2. I understand completely, and at the same time I don't understand at all. The feelings I have sound like what you describe from your husband, so here are my two cents, in case they help.

      If I had to describe my feelings somehow, I'd have to say that there is a conflict between wanting what I want and not wanting to want it. There is never a point where I don't want to be submissive to Miss V, but there are many times when I want not to want it. I guess that having these submissive desires, but not being able to act on them, makes me feel embarrassed and rejected. When I'm mad or frustrated, it feels easier to not be submissive, so I guess at some level, I seek refuge in those feelings.

      You have agreed to an FLR, which is more than Miss V has done, so if I were able to give you a piece of advice it woulod be this: Try to find ways to make your FLR enjoyakle for you and don't worry too much about doing things "for him". We submissives are so eager to please that we need to see our dominants happy, or we feel like failures. If you enjoy whatever benefits you can get from your FLR, and point it out to him, I think he'd feel more satisfaction and be less ambivalent on his position.

      I wish you both the best.

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    3. My knight has used almost those exact words. He's told me, "I want you to be happy. I need you to be happy. If you're not happy, I've failed." It's comments like that which led me to explore FLR.

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  3. Welcome back! I, too, hope you can work things out and build back to the way things were. I'm glad he finally saw what the chaos was doing to him. My hubby is similar but we've both accepted this is our place in this relationship and we are right where we belong.

    ~ Lady M

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    1. Hi Lady M. I'm sure we will work things out. We always do. Our love and commitment to each other is strong. I'm hoping that he really does accept that we do FLR for him, and not for me. It will go a long way toward ending the chaos.

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  4. Ugh! I'm sure it is pretty rare for us to find our complimentary dom or sub in a relationship. He needs to commit to that with you!!!

    Being submissive in our FLR works VERY well for me I am so content when she is asserting herself.

    And having clear rules, protocols, and expectations from you is a blessing. He no longer needs to worry about what he should do or how he should act.

    I really hope things sort out for you both!

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    1. Welcome, Jen. I know things will work out for us. We're both still learning how to make this work, I think.

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  5. I'm no annalist, but I think your knight is having trouble coming to grips with who he really is, so much so that he can't even admit it to himself, let alone you.

    You know how some men are into "forced" feminization? These guys inwardly want to cross dress, but find it impossible to go against societies mores on what it is to be a man. But what better way to scratch that itch than to have the woman in your life "make" you.

    So it is with Knight. I think that he'd absolutely love it if you were his domme not for the perks it brings, not because you feel he needs it, but because you WANT to be. It's not enough for him to surrender to you, you need to conquer him, take him, own him, and use him as you please.

    You mentioned in this post that you went to bed angry at him, with neither of you saying a word. This should never be, in my view. If you're going to be his mistress, and he displeases you, you can't react as a "conventionally upset wife". You need to discipline him and mold him into the man you want. Why in the world would you allow him to sleep on the sofa?

    The next time he disappoints you, he needs to sleep on the floor next to your bedside. Whippings and other punishments are all well and good, but there's nothing like a long term punishment to drive the point home. If he cheats and tries to sneak out of the room, he needs to be handcuffed to the bed.

    I think the first step to repairing your marriage is to embrace your role as his mistress and to never let him forget that he's your slave.

    Best,

    Jake

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