I'd like to say my absence has been because of the new book contract, or because we've been busy with family....but that just isn't the case. Sure, I've been busy but that's to be expected when you have 4 kids at home, and a busy writing career. No, the truth is that I've just not been making Qnk a priority. It's not just Qnk that I was neglecting. I also run a natural health website and blog and that was getting ignored, too.
So, what have I been doing while I was gone? Well.. I've made quite a few herbal remedies, written half of my new book, done quite a bit of middle ages research, re-learned to knit, researched a LOT for novel I want to write, wrote some erotica, learned to sew, and done a lot of reading. Of course, that's stuff I would have done anyway. Through it all, I failed make the time to blog. As busy as we can get, if I don't actively and intentionally make time for something it just does not happen.
We've continued our FLR, although there have been some bumps in the road. Getting comfortable with my dominant role seems to be a "one step forward, two steps back" kind of thing. I'll start feeling more confident about where I'm leading us, my Knight will say something random that makes me start questioning myself again. That's where we were two months ago, and I'm just now getting past it. My knight is working on a writing contract. The person he's writing for happens to be a friend of mine, and she mentioned that she was getting fed up and frustrated with her some of her new writers who sign the contract and then don't update her on how things are going. She was pretty pissed, and somebody was in danger of not getting a second contract with her based on his lack of communication. So..I went home and asked my knight if he had taken the time to email and update B on his progress. Of course, the answer was no. So, I told him about my conversation with B and let him know that I would be changing his writing schedule to reflect her needs from her writers. My knight promptly ignored my schedule changes and it turned into a big argument. An argument that ended with him yelling at me that he didn't need or want my help. I was pretty stunned. That is really out of character for my knight, and I started to believe that maybe he was starting to resent all the changes in our relationship, and the FLR dynamic in general.
...and of course he wouldn't talk about it in any depth. When I tried to get his feelings on the matter I got one and two word answers. So, I dropped it. As far as the writing contract goes, my knight did take my advice, and moved to my schedule changes on his own. He also apologized for being an ass and claimed he didn't mean it.....he was frustrated and felt like I wasn't listening to him.I explained that I was listening to him...but I disagreed completely, and really just needed to do what I told him to.
After the smoke cleared, I tried again to tell him how his comment had shattered my confidence regarding our FLR. I told him I needed to know if he was actually enjoying the dynamic, or if he's just tolerating it. For an answer I got, "I've already apologized, what more do you want from me?"
That didn't help.
I didn't stop the FLR, my expectations of my knight didn't change, but I became a lot less obviously dominant. I quit reminding him that he belongs to me, stopped running my fingernails over him as I told him to complete a task. I started asking instead of telling. Granted, he knows that even when I ask, it's not much more than a polite demand, but the difference is obvious in his reactions.
I tried talking to him again about how I was feeling. And, again, I got nowhere. We fell into a routine of not talking about what was going on.
Until finally I had enough. One night I asked him quite bluntly if he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic. His answer surprised me, "I don't know." It felt like he was hedging --- saying he didn't know until he could determine what I wanted.. You know ... the "I dunno, what do you want to do" routine. My knight is the master of that.
I told him that I wanted to continue the FLR and that even though I had been not been acting overtly dominant, that my expectations of him had not changed. Then I told him I had had enough of the distance between us, and had enough of him just going through the motions and being emotionally checked out on us. From here out I would be quicker to punish and and punishments would be more tangible and not at all orgasm related. He seemed to perk up a little bit.
He told me that he felt like I wasn't listening to his feelings during the book contract argument two months ago, and that at the end of the argument when I said I would no longer help him schedule his writing time..that he was on his own there.... it had really thrown him for a loop. He said that he depends on me to help him find his writing time, without neglecting me or the kids and that he needs the FLR to give him the structure of knowing exactly what I expect from him. Then he told me that he's lost without my guidance because not knowing exactly what I want from him at every given moment causes a distracting amount of stress for him. He gets something, emotionally, when I'm actively dominant over him in our everyday lives. It reminds him that I love him for who he is.