Thursday, June 27, 2013

So..I've Been Gone a Long Time

I'd like to say my absence has been because of the new book contract, or because we've been busy with family....but that just isn't the case. Sure, I've been busy but that's to be expected when you have 4 kids at home, and a busy writing career. No, the truth is that I've just not been making Qnk a priority. It's not just Qnk that I was neglecting. I also run a natural health website and blog  and that was getting ignored, too.

So, what have I been doing while I was gone? Well.. I've made quite a few herbal remedies, written half of my new book, done quite a bit of middle ages research, re-learned to knit, researched a LOT for novel I want to write, wrote some erotica, learned to sew, and done a lot of reading.  Of course, that's stuff I would have done anyway.  Through it all, I failed make the time to blog. As busy as we can get, if I don't actively and intentionally make time for something it just does not happen.

 We've continued our FLR, although there have been some bumps in the road. Getting comfortable with my dominant role seems to be a "one step forward, two steps back" kind of thing.  I'll start feeling more confident about where I'm leading us, my Knight will say something random that makes me start questioning myself again. That's where we were two months ago, and I'm just now getting past it.  My knight is working on a writing contract. The person he's writing for happens to be a friend of mine, and she mentioned that she was getting fed up and frustrated with her some of her new writers who sign the contract and then don't update her on how things are going. She was pretty pissed, and somebody was in danger of not getting a second contract with her based on his lack of communication. So..I went home and asked my knight if he had taken the time to email and update B on his progress. Of course, the answer was no. So, I told him about my conversation with B and let him know that I would be changing his writing schedule to reflect her needs from her writers.  My knight promptly ignored my schedule changes and it turned into a big argument.  An argument that ended with him yelling at me that he didn't need or want my help. I was pretty stunned. That is really out of character for my knight, and I started to believe that maybe he was starting to resent all the changes in our relationship, and the FLR dynamic in general.

...and of course he wouldn't talk about it in any depth. When I tried to get his feelings on the matter I got one and two word answers. So, I dropped it.  As far as the writing contract goes, my knight did take my advice, and moved to my schedule changes on his own. He also apologized for being an ass and claimed he didn't mean it.....he was frustrated and felt like I wasn't listening to him.I explained that I was listening to him...but I disagreed completely, and really just needed to do what I told him to.

After the smoke cleared, I tried again to tell him how his comment had shattered my confidence regarding our FLR. I told him I needed to know if he was actually enjoying the dynamic, or if he's just tolerating it. For an answer I got, "I've already apologized, what more do you want from me?"

That didn't help.

I didn't stop the FLR, my expectations of my knight didn't change, but I became a lot less obviously dominant. I quit reminding him that he belongs to me, stopped running my fingernails over him as I told him to complete a task. I started asking instead of telling. Granted, he knows that even when I ask, it's not much more than a polite demand, but the difference is obvious in his reactions.

I tried talking to him again about how I was feeling.  And, again, I got nowhere. We fell into a routine of not talking about what was going on.

Until finally I had enough. One night I asked him  quite bluntly if he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic. His answer surprised me, "I don't know."  It felt like he was hedging --- saying he didn't know until he could determine what I wanted.. You know ... the "I dunno, what do you want to do" routine. My knight is the master of that.

I told him that I wanted to continue the FLR and that even though I had been not been acting overtly dominant, that my expectations of him had not changed.  Then I told him I had had enough of the distance between us, and had enough of him just going through the motions and being emotionally checked out on us. From here out I would be quicker to punish and and punishments would be more tangible and not at all orgasm related.  He seemed to perk up a little bit.

He told me that he felt like I wasn't listening to his feelings during the book contract argument two months ago, and that at the end of the argument when I said I would no longer help him schedule his writing time..that he was on his own there.... it had really thrown him for a loop. He said that he depends on me to help him find his writing time, without neglecting me or the kids and  that he needs the FLR to give him the structure of knowing exactly what I expect from him. Then he told me that he's lost without my guidance because not knowing exactly what I want from him at every given moment causes a distracting amount of stress for him. He gets something, emotionally, when  I'm actively dominant over him in our everyday lives.  It reminds him that I love him for who he is.




8 comments:

  1. Hey, great to see you are back! Hope you can get your knight back in to line...

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  2. Glad you are back. Please continue to be strong. Own Your leadership position. Sometime creating an aid for Yourself can help. Words spoken to Yourself for example; "be strong", "I am the power", "he will obey", "he will follow", words that work for You. If You repeat those words to Yourself a few times, soon You will ignore knights foolishness, reluctance, retreating, and You will issue directives he must follow. knight, no excuses, no delays, only yes Mistress, thank you Mistress, I'll do it Mistress. Short of that, perhaps some spankings or corner time, or both. Perhaps knight should make a behavioral pledge to You each morning. A no, or i do not have time, earns corner time. Think about this; you get caught speeding, you say to the police officer, "I sorry, my kid is in the hospital and I am in a hurry, I'm sorry", even adding a few tears. Even if the officer does not give you a ticket, I bet she walks back to the patrol car, increasing your delay. Corner time cause knight a delay and time to think about his actions and his proper behavior. It reminds knight that he is subservient to You in all things. This also helps builds your confidence.

    Welcome back. Keep leading and keep writing.

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  3. Miss Angelique, Welcome back. We need women bloggers like you that share so well the story, successess and struggles of ones' life from a FLM perspective. I had all but given up on you and wondered if your FLM had imploded during your time away. I would agree with DP above that you need to stay strong. So much of life is mental. Mental toughness can go a long way to turning your struggling WLM into a successful one. Dont give up and keep your readers updated. I wish you well.

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    1. You're right.. I do need to stay strong, as you put it. I've come to the conclusion that a big part of our FLR difficulties come from me. I still tend to fall into routine, and when I do that I don't always provide the structure and opportunities for my knight to feel my dominance over him. There's a blog post coming on this topic.

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  4. Please add my welcome back. Your blog has been missed. Hope you have the time to continue blogging in the future.

    Now, about your Knight & FLM. When I try and think of our FLM, first and foremost, I see my purpose in the FLM as working to make my dominant wife's life easier. That is the litmus test I try and apply to everything, even when I get no obvious guidance and direction from my wife.

    It seems to me that your Knight is doing the exact opposite to you. He is making your life stressful & difficult by his actions and lack of communication. On the one hand he tells you he needs your authority and direction, then when you try to provide it, he resists. His heart certainly doesn't seem to be where his head is. I have my doubts whether he is committed to the FLM or he is just saying that because he thinks that is what you want to hear. I certainly do not have the experience to tell you how to correct this situation, but wanted to simply convey how it appears to me. I certainly wish you the best.

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    1. The more I think about the difficulties my knight and I experience the more I think it's a communication issue. He is not purposely difficult. My knight would never intentionally do something to make things difficult for me. Just the opposite is true. I do think that sometimes he still isn't clear on what I expect from him, and that's my fault. And I know he has a difficult time expressing his feelings. I learned the other day that the incident with his writing project had nothing to do with my instructions to him, and everything to do with something going on in his head, that he did not express to me very well. I'm working on my part of things.

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  5. I have read your blog from start to finish and I'll give my (unsolicited) opinions if you don't mind. Your knight seems to need constant direction and that direction needs to be reinforced by sexual attention. One common theme I noticed when reading your entire blog is that the vast majority of your difficulties have come when 1) your knight is not closely supervised and 2) his actions are not praised or punished with sex or sexual overtones.

    After reading your entire blog I have no doubt that you are a dominant woman that wants to be in an FLR relationship. But you often get frustrated because your knight doesn't bend to your will as you think he should. I think it's clear to anyone that has read your entire blog that you have a husband that requires structure both in and out of the bedroom to live up to your standards. Your long periods of happiness were when you were constantly making non-sexual situations sexual and keep him in denial (all the while you were furiously teasing him).

    Have you tried anything like these ideas?

    1) Make it a habit of rewarding him sexually for staying on task. I wouldn't make letting him fully orgasm a regular reward (for obvious reasons). But how about ruined orgasms?

    2) I'd also make punishment sexual. You mentioned that you dislike the idea of corporal punishment, but how about sexual denial that he is a part of? If I'm REALLY bad my Miss will require me to stand and watch as she masturbates and gets off REALLY hard. I stand in the corner and watch her, not being allowed to touch myself as she cums REALLY hard and teases me about not being able to touch her.

    3) Have you tried coercing him in to commitments during sexual play? I'd talk to him about his behavior during sex and get him to commit to doing better when he doesn't do well. It will also be easier to get him to open up emotionally during those times.

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  6. Miss Angelique,

    I've only just come across your blog. I wanted to thank you for writing it and for sticking with it particularly in the early days when there were few if any comments.

    There are too few women writing on what it is to manage a man in an FLR and those new to leadership seem to have few places to turn. As a man newly in an FLR I don't have the experience to comment on your Knight's behaviour, but I know I want to serve my Queen without causing her stress so we have a list of tasks that are routines and she simply texts additional non-routine items. I know I need her to exercise her power over me and to nurture my submission. As followers of Ms Rika's approach we don't envisage punishments will be of a sexual nature or involve spankings ( as I'd probably act up to get those), but will involve 'corner time' or similar.

    Good luck with getting your Knight back into line.

    Kind regards

    Tony

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