Sitting in church this morning it dawned on me that the root of our FLR struggles are my fault. I waver....I flip flop...I don't always tell my knight how I feel regarding our FLR. I don't take the time to tell and show him just how precious his submission is to me, and I rarely share my thoughts about what's sexy about our dynamic. And...since my knight follows my lead in all things..if I'm not open about what I want and think, how in the hell can I expect him to feel comfortable sharing his thoughts?
Sometimes I'm a very strong dominant. I tell him exactly what I want him to do, I flirt and tease and openly control my knight. Other times, I'm more passive - I ask instead of tell, I neglect the teasing and flirting and just kind of run on auto pilot. Thanks to his ex-wife, my knight pretty much expects me to get angry and stay angry with him for an indefinite period of time over small things. It's an unconscious emotional reaction caused by being married to an emotionally abusive psychopath for over 15 years. My knight can't help it, and even though he actively works to recognize and eliminate that reaction it still happens occasionally. When I inadvertently withdraw my active dominance, my knight jumps to "she's mad at me" mode, and he pulls away from me emotionally. If I don't recognize what's going on right away then I end up backing off on the obvious dominance. The rules and expectations don't change....but I give my knight the space he seems to want and I'm less flirty, tease less, and overtly dominate him less. It's a self feeding cycle that continues until I take forceful control again.
We've been doing this for years. Before FLR my knight would get sloppy in family obligations, and in his responsibilities to me. There would be lots of broken promises, and uncompleted house projects, and he would check out on us emotionally. That would continue until I had enough, and blew up on him. After the fight, my knight was the picture of family responsibility and perfect dad for a few months. Then the cycle started all over again.
I think, the same type of thing is happening within our FLR, but to a much lesser degree. My knight needs to feel my control over him.... needs to see and feel me being his active leader. It's one of the ways he knows he's precious to me.
This morning, he and I were talking about orgasm denial. Most of the time he loves it, but occasionally it brings back bad memories and bad feelings associated with his ex. He is hesitant to share those feelings and memories with me. This morning I told my knight that I tease and deny his orgasms because I love him. Then explained the differences I see in him when I deny him,and I told him just how sweet, sexy and amazing I think those changes are. I don't know if I've ever laid it out for him like that. Sure, we've talked about it in small pieces, but I'm not sure that I ever explained it all out - in detail- for him.
In church this morning it hit me just how many stray FLR thoughts go through my head that I have not yet shared with my knight. I start to share them, and then I filter my thoughts. I was brought up in a world where sex was not discussed... "good girls" just.. didn't. I'm still overcoming that way of thinking.
FLR is foreign to me.. I'm still learning how this best works for us. Part of that is learning to be open about my thoughts and ideas. If I can't do that how can I expect my knight to share his thoughts and ideas with me.