Sunday, June 30, 2013

My Part in This

Sitting in church this morning it dawned on me that the root of our FLR struggles are my fault. I waver....I flip flop...I don't always tell my knight how I feel regarding our FLR.  I don't take the time to tell and show him just how precious his submission is to me, and I rarely share my thoughts about what's sexy about our dynamic.  And...since my knight follows my lead in all things..if I'm not open about what I want and think, how in the hell can I expect him to feel comfortable sharing his thoughts?

Sometimes I'm a very strong dominant. I tell him exactly what I want him to do, I flirt and tease and openly control my knight. Other times, I'm more passive - I ask instead of tell, I neglect the teasing and flirting and just kind of run on auto pilot.  Thanks to his ex-wife, my knight pretty much expects me to get angry and stay angry with him for an indefinite period of time over small things. It's an unconscious emotional reaction caused by being married to an emotionally abusive psychopath for over 15 years. My knight can't help it, and  even though he actively works to recognize and eliminate that reaction it still happens occasionally.  When I inadvertently withdraw my active dominance, my knight jumps to "she's mad at me" mode, and he pulls away from me emotionally. If I don't recognize what's going on right away then I end up backing off on the obvious dominance.  The rules and expectations don't change....but I give my knight the space he seems to want and I'm less flirty, tease less, and overtly dominate him less. It's a self feeding cycle that continues until I take forceful control again.

We've been doing this for years. Before FLR my knight would get sloppy in family obligations, and in his responsibilities to me. There would be lots of broken promises, and uncompleted house projects, and he would check out on us emotionally. That would continue until I had enough, and blew up on him.  After the fight, my knight was the picture of family responsibility and perfect dad for a few months. Then the cycle started all over again.

I think, the same type of thing is happening within our FLR, but to a much lesser degree. My knight needs to feel my control over him.... needs to see and feel me being his active leader. It's one of the ways he knows he's precious to me.

This morning, he and I were talking about orgasm denial. Most of the time he loves it, but occasionally it brings back bad memories and bad feelings associated with his ex.  He is hesitant to share those feelings and memories with me. This morning I told my knight that I tease and deny his orgasms because I love him. Then explained the differences I see in him when I deny him,and I told him just how sweet, sexy and amazing I think those changes are.  I don't know if I've ever laid it out for him like that. Sure, we've talked about it in small pieces, but I'm not sure that I ever explained it all out - in detail- for him.

In church this morning it hit me just how many stray FLR thoughts go through my head that I have not yet shared with my knight.  I start to share them, and then I filter my thoughts. I was brought up in a world where sex was not discussed... "good girls" just.. didn't. I'm still overcoming that way of thinking.

FLR is foreign to me.. I'm still learning how this best works for us. Part of that is learning to be open about my thoughts and ideas. If I can't do that  how can I expect my knight to share his thoughts and ideas with me.

7 comments:

  1. Your superiority is natural and a part of You. Taking full charge of Your marriage and lifestyle is the new part. Today, there are lots of books, stories, story site, blogs, and local groups where you can find friends and support. Consistency is a big help, and it can build day by day. You can acquire greater skills in small steps by setting daily goals. The goals can be a combination attitudes for Yourself and tasks for your knight. It can be the same goal for several days in a row until You are satisfied. It is true, a FLR goes better when You Own Your Own confidence. When knight does not perform at anything to Your level of approval, then a clean explanation of Your expectations will help (positive corrective discussion), corner time for knight, redoing the task, and a spanking when You are ready. I eventually found that putting k in panties everyday set her mind correctly. If knight goes to work in panties, he will understand her position all day long. If she does not like that, she can wear panties every weekday, and nothing on the weekend. You can even allow her to choose.

    Move forward in small steps; be confident and gain self-confidence; write down some goals, and move forward when You have achieved Your goals.

    Everyone reading this blog will support You. This Sunday could be a new start for Your greater life.

    Hugs,

    Mistress Barbara and
    sissy maid k

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    1. Thanks, Barbara. The adjustment to FLR has been a long series of making small steps, evaluating what is working and taking more small steps. Our relationship grows and strengthens with each step.

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  2. This thought came to mind in your last post, but there is a psychological principle known as 'act as if'. There is proven research that backs up the principle that even if you dont feel a certain way but choose to consciously act that way you will eventually take on those characteristics. I listened to a sports psychologist explain this at length and give many examples of the professional athletes in the NYC area that he worked with. You can make that same choice in your life as the dominant part - AND your sub can choose to do the same to help him learn how he can better live to support you as you lead your family.

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    1. I've used that same strategy before. When I first started writing professionally almost 20 years ago it was a "fake it until you make it" kind of situation. Even though my writing was professional level, I didn't feel like a "real writer." I had to act like a 'real writer' to reach my goals. You're right.. this is the same thing. I do try.. some weeks I am the strong leader I think my knight needs, and his actions and reactions prove I'm on the right track. But other weeks, I question, second guess and censor myself for a variety of reasons. There are still days that I wonder if we've gone down this road because he really wants it, or because it's what he things I want.

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    2. Angelique, It sounds as if you need a support group, or at least a mentor to help you through those difficult times. Be interesting if you might privately write another woman you respect via the blogs and ask for one to serve such a purpose.

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  3. Good communication will generally make any relationship better, FLR or not. Clear concise directions from you will help, no doubt, but I still stand by the notion that it is a two way street. He has to communicate, as well. He may well be frustrated that he can't effectively communicate with you regarding his wants and needs in the FLR. From my own situation, I am often afraid to tell her how deeply I want to submit and it would be embarrassing to tell some of the things that really turn me on for fear of how she would react. In your case, given that he is a writer, if he is having issues with verbal communication from time to time, have him write his feelings down, keep a diary, or some such task. Sounds like you are making progress sorting this out and I wish both of you well for the future.

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    1. Communication IS a two-way street. But, I also believe my knight won't become comfortable with his submission until I start to become comfortable with my dominance. How can we explore this thing we call FLR if I shy away from expressing my whims? We can't, and it's something I need to work on.

      We write to each other a lot. If I think a topic will make him uncomfortable, or might require a deeper level of thought on my knight's part, I start the discussion via email. It makes things easier for him.

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