Last night, my knight and I had a very good conversation. I called him on some of our FLR issues, and insisted we explore the reasons behind them. He finally admitted to having a hard time really trusting. I've known all along that was the problem, and with what he experienced with his ex, it's no surprise. But, this is the first time he's admitted it to me - maybe even the first time he's admitted it to himself. He's afraid of losing himself in the power dynamic and getting hurt. He gave himself fully and completely to his ex, and she well.... tried very hard to destroy him. His ex has a very severe mental illness, and is in full time care now. While they were not openly practicing any form of power play I'm sure he was quietly submissive to her. And, now, I want him to openly explore live his submissive desires, and he's afraid of a repeat Like I said, I knew that was the issue we've been butting out heads up against, but any time I suggested it was a trust issue, my knight denied it telling me "Babe, I trust you completely."
He wants to trust me completely, and he wants to give in to his submissive feelings. Now that he's admitted that trust is the base issue here, I'm hoping we have better progress with trust building activities. I'm going to play more with restraints, blindfolds, and putting him in situations where he has no choice but to trust me. In the past he's always said he was interested in these things, but when presented with the situation, he freezes, unsure how to act or react.
I need to learn to be more confident and encouraging when I'm trying to do something we've never done before. When he freezes, or seems unsure of how to respond, I usually back off because I'm never sure if he stops because he's nervous and unsure, or if it's because he's not interested. We talked about that issue a week ago, and he told me that he freezes because he's unsure how I want him to respond, so he just stands there and does nothing. So, I will work on putting him in new situations, and then NOT backing off when he's unsure how to react. I'm too sensitive that a lack of a response might be an unspoken "no". I need to trust him to find his voice and say "no" if the answer is really "no"
That's always one of my biggest concerns in our FLR explorations and sex play.... I never want to insist he do something he's not willing to do.. and if I'm unsure of his reaction, I assume a "no". But that's not getting us where either of us want to be.. We both want a deeper FLR experience, and more adventurous fantasy play... We won't get there unless I lead us....
So.... I will start intentionally working on trust building.