Tuesday evening was interesting. With kids in bed, and knight's bedtime routine completed we sat down for some quiet time. I asked knight if he had time to review the newly revised rules and brand new bedtime routine. He said he had. I always give knight the opportunity to comment on, and suggest changes to, all rules before they go into effect. It gives him a chance to voice any concerns, or objections before he's held accountable. I will do the same with the newly created routines. Knight didn't have anything to say about either. The new rules look a lot like the old ones, so I didn't expect him to say much. The bedtime routine is brand new. It includes routine things he does anyway like locking the house, and making sure I've closed the back door, getting my evening herbs for me. It also includes some new things like getting a glass or water for each of us, and removing all his clothing as soon as he enters the bedroom. I've decided that from here out knight will not wear clothes in our bedroom.
From there we talked about an email we'd been passing back and forth all day regarding flr topics, and our conversation on Saturday. In the email I explained to knight, once again, that we do flr for him. I could live the rest of my life quite happily without controlling everything.. without creating rules, routines, and task lists for him. We do this because he thrives on it. I explained that since that is the case, that flr and knowing /feeling I'm in control of things causes him to feel loved and secure in our marriage, I need him to stop hiding from that and stop trying so hard not to express that. My husband is a "hide your feelings so nobody can use them against you" kind of guy. Life taught him early that when people know how you feel, they use it against you. You know that geeky, super smart kid who everybody teased all through school? The one who was brilliant, but awkward with the girls, and didn't fit in with the guys, so he kept mostly to himself and took a lot of shit from everyone? Yep.. I married him. To make matters worse, he was a military brat.. military kids are even worse to each other than non-military kids. So.. it's no wonder he hides his feelings.
Anyway.. that led us to him asking me once again why I dropped the flr to begin with. He kind of remembers mentioning that he wasn't sure about the dynamic, but swears he never meant for us to drop it. What was really going on in his head??
He felt unimportant, and ignored. He can't explain to me exactly why he felt that way, because he doesn't remember what he was thinking.
Here's what I remember -We moved across country in April. Things got hectic and we brought a house guest across country with us. A friend's husband wanted to check out the job market here, and so he came with us. I toned down the flr a bit to preserve knight's image with this guy. We were still practicing, but I stopped doing things out in the open. Knight no longer had to get my evening herbs, I no longer asked him to do random things for me "just because", I no longer asked him to sit on the floor by my feet on occasion. Right or wrong, I was concerned about what our friend and house guest would think of my husband if he did these things.
And then my daughter came to stay with us. She is very against the flr. Any time she sees me ask knight to do something I can do myself, she calls me on it, saying that I am being unfair to him. I've explained that doing things for me makes him feel like I need him.. I compared it to playing into a guy's ego so he feels needed. She thinks the whole thing is unfair and manipulative. So.. to keep peace with my adult daughter, I probably backed off just a bit more when she got here. (although to be fair and totally honest.. when she went away to college, she started dating a guy who by her admission is "just like " knight. She's called me a few times asking me if it was unfair for her to play into and direct his efforts. I told her to try it.. and watch his react. If he doesn't like being directed, he'll let her know.)
Anyway.. so.. even through all this, I was sending knight his daily task lists, rewarding and punishing completed and uncompleted lists, respectively. The tease and denial continued, and I still controlled his orgasms. But, that was the end of it.
It was right around this time that he tells me he started feeling unimportant, and ignored. Things took a nose dive from there.
Yeah. probably. Most likely.
So. When you get down to the bottom line here.... this is my fault. In an attempt to save my knight's feelings, I caused him to feel abandoned, ignored, and unimportant to me. Yep. I suck. In my (very lame) defence, I did tell knight I was going to back off from the more obvious stuff, and I explained why. I remember asking him how he felt about it, and he said he didn't care either way.
Why didn't he tell me how he was feeling? He says he tried... and I believe him.. BUT it came out as complaining about the budget. He wanted me to buy him a new cell phone, and I said no. He spent days complaining that he has not earned enough money from his writing to replace the camera he pawned 4 years ago. (short version. I bought him a pro level camera for his birthday. He lost his job, pawned his camera against my will. I told him he has to earn the money to replace it from his writing).
He was whiney, moody and simply put, a pain in the ass. He became undependable and distant.He started ignoring flr rules, and became more selfish and self absorbed... . and he stayed that way.
So..........this whole mess had been my doing. If I had stuck with the flr despite the house guest we likely would not be in this mess. Sure, I was looking out for his best interests.. but.. maybe I was looking out for the wrong interests. I didn't want knight to lose the respect of the house guest. I didn't care what house guest thought of me.... I was doing his wife and him a huge favor by letting him come out here with us, and by supporting him and letting him stay here. I really didn't care what these people though about the dynamic of our marriage.. Heck, his wife and I had talked about it a bit.. She was aware I am in charge of everything. But.. her husband did not know.. and I didn't want my knight to lose a friend over it, or be subjected to any comments when I wasn't around.
My knight told me he didn't care either way. I should have continued the flr the way we had been doing it for the past couple months.. the way that was working.
Ladies.. how do you get over the feeling that you are being unfair to your submissive? How to you get over feeling that the dynamic itself is unfair to the submissive? Am I wrong to consider knight's reputation with friends when deciding how to act or how "openly in control" to be when there are other people around?
Guys... what do you think? Do you get crap from male friends when your Mistress/Wife/Dominant is openly in charge in front of your friends? Do you care? Have you lost or drifted away from male friends because they didn't get it? How does your Dominant handle social situations?