Monday, October 27, 2014

Musing Aloud, On Paper....

...or.. on the screen.. whatever. I'm a writer - talking to myself out loud on paper or screen is what I do. Dear Readers, don't expect this to make a whole lot of sense..and don't expect it to be particularly interesting. This is a free-write.. thoughts from my head directly to the page.. no editing, no second looks.. Write it and hit send. Sometimes my head is not a fun place to be...

... . but it if does make sense, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Understanding the Why is the first step in finding a solution.....

Knight fights his submissive side. Fights it hard. When he's being a great submissive he and I have an amazing marriage. We talk about everything, we share everything. He's my best friend, and I'm his. He's an awesome dad, he's happy, content, and sure of himself.Honestly.. when he's being a "good submissive" I have everything I could ever want in my husband.

But, then .. something happens in his head and he pulls away from me and from the D/s aspect of our relationship. He starts blowing things off, stops listening, stops following routines, stops seeking my direction, sex becomes all about him, . And invariably he starts screwing up left and right. Within weeks, I'm upset with him, the kids are upset with him, he's even managed to piss off a few friends. More importantly, he's obviously (to me, anyway) unhappy, angry with himself and just miserable.

So.. WHY does he do this? Why do we see this pattern? Couple of ideas.. probably in no way an exhaustive list, but I have to start somewhere..

1. He is really just playing the "FLR game" with me in order to keep the peace and keep us together for the kids. Because he sees, like I see, that when we are not actively engaging in FLR dynamic things fall apart.

2. He's afraid of the submissive aspects of himself. Afraid of what? Falling into it too deeply and having his heart destroyed again. His ex was good for that.

3. He dislikes the submissive side of himself and fights it instead of giving in... Why? His mother. Not trying to be cliche here, but his mother has always told me that he is "just like" his dad.. and in her world that is an insult. She hates his dad. Even after 30 years of being divorced, she is still angry and bitter, and would do just about anything to "get back" at him.   On the flip side.. my FIL really IS a lot like my husband. His 2nd wife seems to have everything well under control. It would not surprise me in the least if they operated under and FLR type arrangement.He tends to go to her for approval for just about everything, and he's content with that. I don't know what the parameters of thier marriage is.. and it's none of my business, but if I had to guess, I'd guess that she is openly "in charge." Knight agrees.. So..   Just maybe ... that's the root of knight being so uncomfortable with his submissive role.. he's heard all his life that he's "just like his dad" and he knows damned well it was meant as an insult. My MIL  - knight's mom expects the man in her life to be "in charge." She's a strong, angry, resentful, woman who has no respect for non-dominant men. She makes that well known.. often, and loudly.  That could cause my knight to hide from his own submissive ideas.. so as to not be criticised by his mother.

4. I'm over thinking this.. I do that. Maybe there's nothing behind this at all. Except I know knight better than that. He's not prone to acting on a whim. He hates acting on a whim..  There is always a reason.. sometimes he doesn't understand that reason himself.. but there is ALWAYS a reason.

5. His heart's not really in our marriage and he's just trying to avoid conflict. I used to think this was a valid consideration. I don't any more. There's been too much back and forth.. too many times when I've been ready to give up and he has not. My frustration and hurt obviously  upsets him. He tells me that his entire reason for being is wrapped up in me "being happy."

6. Depression? He's always been prone episodes of mild depression.. what if the beginning of those depressions looks like him giving up on FLR.. what if the beginning of those depressions is him being moody, and blowing things off.. becoming unsure of our FLR dynamic. Then... when I back off the FLR, I unintentionally reinforce whatever demons are running loose in his head. He things, "she doesn't really care." and starts messing up.. I give him the space he seems to need and take an FLR break... if he needs the control to feel loved, then I have just reinforced the thought of "she doesn't care" that started the mess.. and we spiral to hell from there. Until I put the brakes on and practically force him back into FLR. He feels loved, and comes out of the depression......

7. Combination of a few things.. some I've already listed, others I haven't thought of yet..

8. I'm full of crap and this whole thing is my problem. .. eh.. could be.. maybe.. I don't see it.. I have looked for it.. I'm by no means perfect. I'm demanding, and a perfectionist, I expect  a lot of myself, and almost as much from knight. Could I simply be expecting to much? Could this be a "me" problem?  Okay..  how so.. Sometimes I lighten up on the flr stuff because I feel he doesn't really want it.. like I "forced" him into it... could that cause him to feel like I don't care any more? Yeah.. it could he's told me that it does. Have I done that lately? Not for those reasons, no. 

9. I'm doing something to cause him to pull away. Sure.. it's possible. He says that I haven't done anything to make him pull away. Of course, he rarely recognizes when he's pulled away. so.. what do I do with that? 

10 PTSD issues from his ex.. maybe.. I dunno.. he still really can't talk about what he went through.. When we first moved in together, I definitely saw signs of trauma issues.. a lot of them. He's recovered a lot in the last 10 years though.. we've worked hard for that recovery. The level of his ex's mental illness was enough to traumatize anyone.  It was bad.. so yeah.. trauma issues are a possibility.. how does that effect the FLR dynamic? Getting too close.. feeling too vulnerable? unintentionally sabotaging a good thing to keep from getting hurt again? afraid to fall too deeply into submissive feelings? Lots of stuff..

11. 

That's all I have off the top of my head.. could there be something else that I haven't thought of yet? Of course. We've talked about all of these things .. every single one of them.  Knight says it's nothing I've done. He recognizes and sees that I try very hard to be sensitive to his feelings and needs. He knows I would never intentionally hurt him in any way.. He doesn't think he pulls away because of anything I have done. He does say that when I stop leading.. stop being dominant, he always feels like I'm mad at him.. like he's done something unforgivable to upset me.. and that, he tells me makes him upset with himself because he never wants me to be upset with him. Vicious circle? Perhaps.. but one I really want to stop.





7 comments:

  1. OK so I seem to be depressed to varying degrees these days. Ranges from very depressed in my non medial self diagnosis way to happy but there is an undercurrent of sadness / depression / discontent.

    So for me I tend to be very introspective and self critical and at the same time I will be wishing for different behaviour from her blaming her. Neither of which objectively is any use but I do it anyway.

    Personally my suggestion would be sexual tease. For me there is something very intimate about that. I would also love a good flogging. Fight it - sure. Introspectively ask myself why I was so silly as to allow myself to be in this position of pain.

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  2. Damdame Queen .... if I may be honest with an opinion that may be perceived as being critical.

    The first and primary thing that came to mind while reading your post was a question. That question was .... Why would even allow such behavior? It seems to me that the dynamic your relationship may be such that you tend to adjust how feel, or deciding on the way you should react, based on whether or not your "submissive" has decided that he wants to play along. As such, he is topping from the botto. Probably not on purpose mind you, butit seems to me that is the dynamic at play here.

    Rather than allowing him to behave the way he wants (or even doesn't want), pull him back into line and expect exactly the kind of behavior from him that YOU want.

    Please forgive me for speaking so forwardly. Like you I wanted to throw down the words as they came to me and then hit "publish"

    Best regards.

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    1. Forgive the typo in the very first word Madame Queen!

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    2. You are absolutely correct. We do FLR for knight, not for me. I have always allowed knight a good bit of say in all this. The reasons are simple - he never asked for it. FLR was my idea. I was acting on a hunch that I had about him based on things he'd said and done over the years. If my knight had come to me and flat out told me "I want you to take charge of everything, I want a D/s type relationship" or something similar, this would be easier for me.
      I have always been a strong woman. I've always known what I want, and how to go about getting it. As a strong woman you learn fast that showing that strength isn't always "socially acceptable." Especially when dealing with a significant other. I've gone to great lengths over the years to curb my natural tendency to lead and control my sig. other. I've lost several relationships because they guy couldn't handle my dominant personality. So, whenever knight shows signs of questioning the dynamic, I back off. If he had asked for this, it wouldn't be so hard for me. But, he didn't and I've spent the last several years wondering if I "forced" him into it. That's why understanding why FLR works for him, and what he gets out of it is so important to me.

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    3. Over the years, you have often mentioned a couple of things quite repetitively:
      1 his ex. You refer often to this. You often mention her quite a bit and it always is a negative comment. I don't know what went on. Don't really care. But I wonder if things happened there that now impact how he relates, or wants to relate to you.
      2 you often talk about his inability to open up. This is something that baffles my mind because I just can't relate but if he can't understand his own feelings how in the world are you ever going to help him? He needs to be able to open up to someone so that they can help him see what he can't with respect to what's going on in his head.
      3 I found the comment about his mother hating his father quite interesting as it relates to the above two comments. You wonder if all of this feeds one another on multiple levels.
      4 you mentioned your mother dislikes wimpy man. And that may also feed his insecurity just as much as his own mother feeds his insecurity by comparing him to his father.

      This is all so far beyond my capabilities to understand let alone solve.

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    4. All your observations are correct, except one. I said my MIL -Mother in law... his mother.. dislikes non dominant men. My mother has no influence on us at all. And, I must dispute the use of the word "wimpy" on your part. I seriously dislike that word, and I never meant to imply it's use.

      Other than that? Yes, his experiences with his ex still effect him today. I don't blame him for that. I know what went on, and she was enough to mess anybody up.

      Yeah, it's hard from him to open up. He is trying. And he talks to me more than he ever has anyone else. He has always lived in a world of "hide your feelings so they can't use them against you." He learned that in elementary school.. and it's been reinforced by those around him most of his life. He tells me that I'm the first person he's ever been even remotely open with. He is trying.. We had an good, honest talk last night.

      As far as his parents.. yeah, their attitudes are at play here. We will work through all of this.... there is hope. I'll post about last nights conversation later today.

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  3. I love how you try to figure him out and how much you want to help him. I hope Miss V is teh same, although from my overcrowded brain, I cannot see it.

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