...or.. on the screen.. whatever. I'm a writer - talking to myself out loud on paper or screen is what I do. Dear Readers, don't expect this to make a whole lot of sense..and don't expect it to be particularly interesting. This is a free-write.. thoughts from my head directly to the page.. no editing, no second looks.. Write it and hit send. Sometimes my head is not a fun place to be...
... . but it if does make sense, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Understanding the Why is the first step in finding a solution.....
Knight fights his submissive side. Fights it hard. When he's being a great submissive he and I have an amazing marriage. We talk about everything, we share everything. He's my best friend, and I'm his. He's an awesome dad, he's happy, content, and sure of himself.Honestly.. when he's being a "good submissive" I have everything I could ever want in my husband.
But, then .. something happens in his head and he pulls away from me and from the D/s aspect of our relationship. He starts blowing things off, stops listening, stops following routines, stops seeking my direction, sex becomes all about him, . And invariably he starts screwing up left and right. Within weeks, I'm upset with him, the kids are upset with him, he's even managed to piss off a few friends. More importantly, he's obviously (to me, anyway) unhappy, angry with himself and just miserable.
So.. WHY does he do this? Why do we see this pattern? Couple of ideas.. probably in no way an exhaustive list, but I have to start somewhere..
1. He is really just playing the "FLR game" with me in order to keep the peace and keep us together for the kids. Because he sees, like I see, that when we are not actively engaging in FLR dynamic things fall apart.
2. He's afraid of the submissive aspects of himself. Afraid of what? Falling into it too deeply and having his heart destroyed again. His ex was good for that.
3. He dislikes the submissive side of himself and fights it instead of giving in... Why? His mother. Not trying to be cliche here, but his mother has always told me that he is "just like" his dad.. and in her world that is an insult. She hates his dad. Even after 30 years of being divorced, she is still angry and bitter, and would do just about anything to "get back" at him. On the flip side.. my FIL really IS a lot like my husband. His 2nd wife seems to have everything well under control. It would not surprise me in the least if they operated under and FLR type arrangement.He tends to go to her for approval for just about everything, and he's content with that. I don't know what the parameters of thier marriage is.. and it's none of my business, but if I had to guess, I'd guess that she is openly "in charge." Knight agrees.. So.. Just maybe ... that's the root of knight being so uncomfortable with his submissive role.. he's heard all his life that he's "just like his dad" and he knows damned well it was meant as an insult. My MIL - knight's mom expects the man in her life to be "in charge." She's a strong, angry, resentful, woman who has no respect for non-dominant men. She makes that well known.. often, and loudly. That could cause my knight to hide from his own submissive ideas.. so as to not be criticised by his mother.
4. I'm over thinking this.. I do that. Maybe there's nothing behind this at all. Except I know knight better than that. He's not prone to acting on a whim. He hates acting on a whim.. There is always a reason.. sometimes he doesn't understand that reason himself.. but there is ALWAYS a reason.
5. His heart's not really in our marriage and he's just trying to avoid conflict. I used to think this was a valid consideration. I don't any more. There's been too much back and forth.. too many times when I've been ready to give up and he has not. My frustration and hurt obviously upsets him. He tells me that his entire reason for being is wrapped up in me "being happy."
6. Depression? He's always been prone episodes of mild depression.. what if the beginning of those depressions looks like him giving up on FLR.. what if the beginning of those depressions is him being moody, and blowing things off.. becoming unsure of our FLR dynamic. Then... when I back off the FLR, I unintentionally reinforce whatever demons are running loose in his head. He things, "she doesn't really care." and starts messing up.. I give him the space he seems to need and take an FLR break... if he needs the control to feel loved, then I have just reinforced the thought of "she doesn't care" that started the mess.. and we spiral to hell from there. Until I put the brakes on and practically force him back into FLR. He feels loved, and comes out of the depression......
7. Combination of a few things.. some I've already listed, others I haven't thought of yet..
8. I'm full of crap and this whole thing is my problem. .. eh.. could be.. maybe.. I don't see it.. I have looked for it.. I'm by no means perfect. I'm demanding, and a perfectionist, I expect a lot of myself, and almost as much from knight. Could I simply be expecting to much? Could this be a "me" problem? Okay.. how so.. Sometimes I lighten up on the flr stuff because I feel he doesn't really want it.. like I "forced" him into it... could that cause him to feel like I don't care any more? Yeah.. it could he's told me that it does. Have I done that lately? Not for those reasons, no.
9. I'm doing something to cause him to pull away. Sure.. it's possible. He says that I haven't done anything to make him pull away. Of course, he rarely recognizes when he's pulled away. so.. what do I do with that?
10 PTSD issues from his ex.. maybe.. I dunno.. he still really can't talk about what he went through.. When we first moved in together, I definitely saw signs of trauma issues.. a lot of them. He's recovered a lot in the last 10 years though.. we've worked hard for that recovery. The level of his ex's mental illness was enough to traumatize anyone. It was bad.. so yeah.. trauma issues are a possibility.. how does that effect the FLR dynamic? Getting too close.. feeling too vulnerable? unintentionally sabotaging a good thing to keep from getting hurt again? afraid to fall too deeply into submissive feelings? Lots of stuff..
That's all I have off the top of my head.. could there be something else that I haven't thought of yet? Of course. We've talked about all of these things .. every single one of them. Knight says it's nothing I've done. He recognizes and sees that I try very hard to be sensitive to his feelings and needs. He knows I would never intentionally hurt him in any way.. He doesn't think he pulls away because of anything I have done. He does say that when I stop leading.. stop being dominant, he always feels like I'm mad at him.. like he's done something unforgivable to upset me.. and that, he tells me makes him upset with himself because he never wants me to be upset with him. Vicious circle? Perhaps.. but one I really want to stop.