Good Weekend

Nothing exciting to talk about this morning. Knight and I had a good weekend even though he ended up having to work stupid late Friday night. Then, he had to work on Saturday, too.

Friday night he emailed me and told me something major in the database he's building broke. He thought it was on the service provider end, and NOT something he did. But, he couldn't leave work until he proved that he was right. I  agreed with him and told him to go out and grab dinner and go back to work until it was figured out. He did. But, at 9 pm he still had not found the problem. He was getting upset and angry with it. I'm not a database geek, but I DO know my way around computers, and I do some programming.. and it seemed to me that the solution was right in front of him and he wasn't seeing it. So, I called my knight and told him to pack it up and come home. He could work on it from home on Saturday. He started to argue with me, but I didn't let him get more than 10 words out. I repeated that I wanted him to pack up his laptop and anything else he needed to work on this from home on Saturday, but that he was done for the night. At that point I told him I expected him to pull into our driveway in less than an hour/

He did.

Saturday morning, he wanted to get back to work, first thing, I told him no-- that's not what was happening. Then I told him exactly what I wanted from him. He did everything I asked of him without complaint.  Really what I was doing was intentionally keeping him from that project because I didn't think his head was clear yet.

Finally around 1 pm, I told him he had until 5 pm to fix what was broken.

He finished at 430.. put everything away and found me in the yard to let me know he was done, and ask me what I wanted him to do next.

Sunday was similar, with knight taking all his cues from me, and doing exactly what I wanted and asked for.  We're both starting to get back into the habit of having me be completely and firmly in control. He's less stressed, and better able to relax and enjoy his time with me and the kids.

Last Minute Plans

Knight didn't know it, but we had plans to go out and listen to live music tonight. Unfortunately those plans just got hosed by his job responsibilities. He and I have been trying to go out alone for over a month, and something keeps getting in the way. Usually when that happens we end up watching a movie on Netflix or something... I'm not much of a movie person, but it's easy and cheap, ya know.

However, tonight will be different. I was playing Words with Friends earlier today and my opponent played the word "erect". I just happened to have the letters for penis coming off the "e" in erect... and it just happened to be my highest scoring word. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I played it. (before 50 people tell me all the reasons why that was wrong.. let me say.. 1. I knew my opponent was a guy. 2. I know he's well over 40 3. He and I have played Words with Friends on and off for months, and he's played a few "interesting" words himself.. so, no, I don't feel bad about it.)

Anyway... that got me thinking.. knight and I have never played dirty Scrabble.. and considering how much Scrabble/Words With Friends/Word Chums we play, that's surprising.

Then I figured if I can get him to loosen up enough to play dirty Scrabble, then I *might* be able to get him to write erotica with me..

So, those are our plans for tonight.. Dirty Scrabble and an erotica round robin..

I sent him an email a few minutes ago. Here's an edited copy of it:


on your way  home, stop at the store.. 

pick up a replacement Scrabble game   either regular Scrabble or Super Scrabble.. I prefer Super Scrabble, but if they don't have it, just get regular. 

and maybe a small bottle of.. something alcoholic.. that we both like..  You pick... the idea here is to get you just drunk enough that you can play dirty Scrabble and do an erotica round robin with me tonight....................

Rules to Scrabble are as follows.. 

30 Extra points for sexually related words.... they don't have to be obvious, but if it's not obvious then you have to prove it.. 

sexually related words on a bonus tile of any type get the extra points, board given bonus, and 1 minute of the "favor" of the players choice. 

If you swap tiles, or pass your turn, you lose an article of clothing.

If you win, you get to pick and download a sexy movie for us to watch tomorrow night.. (if you win, I'll give you guidelines, and maybe even a list of suggestions to choose from, so you don't have to worry about picking something I'll hate.)

If I win, you have to EITHER: complete at least one erotic short story round robin with me -- without the benefit of alcohol..(in addition to the one we're doing tonight),  OR Read the erotic story/book of my choice out loud to me over the course of a few nights.

also... the winner of the Scrabble game gets to START tonight's erotic round robin story... 

rules for the erotic round robin?  There are none... anything goes.... 

THAT is what we are doing tonight.. 

Blogger... UGH

I've tried to leave replies to several comments but for some reason Blogger is arguing with me. It might be my browser (I'm beta testing for a new browser), so I'll log in with a more common browser and try again when I have time. That probably won't be until this afternoon or sometime tomorrow.

So.. This Happened Last Night

When I picked knight up from work yesterday evening,  I left the kids at home.

Knight came out to the car, put his laptop in the backseat and came around to open the driver's side door for me. 

Grabbing him by his tie and pulling him in for a kiss I told him, "I'm driving tonight." 

Knight gave me a confused look because I almost always have him drive, but he closed the driver side door, and got in the passenger seat.

As we got away from traffic and away from the busy part of the city, I told him to lean his seat back a bit, and unbutton/unzip his slacks. 

He froze.  (things you should know-- We drive a big SUV. We're high off the ground. Only semi trucks can see in our car, our windows are tinted, he works in a small town, we live 45 minutes away in an even smaller town. Even during rush hour, there isn't much traffic.)

"Two choices," I told him, "Either do it, or as soon as we get past this light, I will pull into the (nature preserve) parking lot, get out of this car, and do it for you." 

He undid his pants. 

Then, I told him to put his hand out. I had hidden a bottle of my homemade cinnamon massage oil in the driver's side door. I pulled that out now, and poured some into his hand. 

"Put on a show for me while we drive home. You're not allowed to come."

Again, my knight sat there with oil in his hand, not sure what to do. He was already starting to get hard. 

"Do I need to help you?" I asked him. Again, my knight sat there with oil in his hand, not sure what to do. He was already starting to get hard. 

He still sat there unmoving, but again, his quickly hardening cock gave away his thoughts. 

I reached over with my free hand to move his oil covered hand and help him get started. 

As we approached the stop light he started to cover up, and I told him not to. I wanted him to continue what he was doing. 

"You're fine. You don't need to worry about traffic, I've got it. The only thing you need to be concerned with right now, is what I want." 

For the next 30 minutes he stroked himself while I watched him out of the corner of my eye. Every so often I told him to take a break, speed up, lean up so I could see better, or otherwise change things up. 

As we came up on the center of town we live in, I considered telling him to cover up, but changed my mind. There was very little traffic on the road. I kept to the right lane so that if anyone passed us they would pass on my side. With the tinted windows nobody can see in. He was getting a little closer to orgasm than I wanted him, so I told him to stop. He obviously enjoyed riding through town with is cock hanging out. 

We got through town, and I made the turn on to the two lane road that leads to our turn off. Once we made that turn, I turned things up a bit. Since there was no traffic, I was able to lean over and stroke him. He leaned up and toward me so I could reach better. 

"I'm paying more attention to the road than I am you. Tell me if you get to close. I'm going to be pissed if you make a mess in the car," I told him. 

After a few minutes I told him to get back into his seat and do it himself.

About 3/4 of the way to our turn off there is an empty field. I pulled to the side of the road, and stopped the car. He watched, as I got out of the car, closed the driver's side door and came around to open the passenger door. I left the door open, and edged him for a minute. I left the passenger side door open as I walked back over to the driver's side. He didn't rush to close the door. I think he was to stunned to even think about it, but I knew there was nobody there. I got back in the car and told him to close his door. As we got back onto the road, I told him there was a towel in the glove box, it was time to get cleaned up and dressed. 

Manager/Employee.??

 This is an excerpt from this morning's entry to my private journal with a few changes for clarity and (of course) privacy. It's a lot of random thoughts about some of the things I've been talking about and dealing with...........


Things seem to be improving between knight and I. I’ve gone back to telling him, not asking, or even requesting. I’ve gone back to being authoritative and he is responding to it. He said the other day that he just wants “us” back. So, maybe he realizes this works. While we were emailing back and forth the other day I pointed out to him that the only time things were ever *really* good, as opposed to just "okay", was when I was firmly and completely in control of things. I told him I wanted that back, and he answered that email with “yes, I want US back” so maybe he gets it.

So far, over the last few days I’ve told him what time to leave work, and basically set his schedule. He seems… relieved. We’ve been closer.. More cuddly, and he’s been more… sweet and attentive than he’s been in months. Even though he’s stressed and worried about this project, he’s STILL being sweeter, and more considerate toward me AND the kids, than he’s been in months. He seems.. Calmer. Less antsy.. Less freaked out. I can deal with this. I've *missed* this.

Somebody on Qnk likened it to a parent/child relationship.. It’s not abusive when a parent sets strong limits for the child, it’s considered good parenting.

This morning it occurred to me that it’s like a manager/employee relationship. The manager assigns tasks, and handles the overall management of the workforce. He’s my workforce, and I’m his manager in all things. Simple.

...........Interesting thought. I got angry at knight one day for not taking control, and being in charge when I was in massive pain and NEEDED  him to take that control…  would it have been wrong or abusive of him to take control, and tell me to take kava?  No. It would not have been. In fact, after the situation was over I was upset with him for not taking that control when I needed him to.

So.. He needs me to take control on a daily basis. He’s more secure, happier, and feels loved when I manage things for him. It’s one of the ways he feels my love. He LIKES to feel me around him, in his world all the time, and starts feeling lost and unloved if I take that “wrap-around”  away. So.. Really by managing everything, oftentimes including his day, I am helping him to feel loved and cared for. Maybe it makes a little more sense now.. “Maybe”

Flr is something I do because I love him.. It’s something I do FOR him, not TO him. And that’s the difference. If he hated it, then it would be wrong.. But because he thrives on it, and my control helps him to feel loved, cared for, and wanted, that makes it okay. Important even.

I’ve seen a solid difference in him over the last couple days since I started managing his work time for him. I should have started this right after he started struggling with this project, last September. He was complaining a lot.. And maybe that was his way of asking for help? He’s not going to come out and just say “I need you to help me manage my time” and he’s not going ask if he can work overtime. I should have told him.. You are working until 7 tonight to get caught up on this project, instead of allowing him to struggle with managing work and home time-- and fall behind.

Maybe I’m slowly starting to get this?

So……THAT’s why he’s so upset and down on himself about writing time.. I have not specifically said .. “Go write” so he has not been taking dedicated time..  Just like going into to work for optional overtime, he’s not going to do it, or even ask for it .. He needs me to tell him to do it-- I have to assign and manage that for him.


I still don't understand all this.. You would think that after almost 5 years of flr that I would start to understand.. But — no. If he tried to tell me when I could write, and when I could work, and when I was doing X, or if he wanted full control over the bills, what and when I eat, or when and if we had sex, I would be unhappy and angry. I would feel like he was being an overbearing, over-controlling ass. But he is not me.. And being managed helps him know that I love him..THAT’s why he gets upset and depressed when I back off.. It’s why things get stupid when I back off.

Maybe I get it now..

Maybe…

Why I wonder.

In the previous post Wishful said he was glad I had seen the light. I started to reply, but it was a long reply, and I decided it would be better as a stand-alone post:

It's not really a matter of "seeing the light." Intellectually, I've known for years that the more dominant I am, the happier, more secure, and less stressed my knight is. He's a better husband, a better father, and we are as a couple.

The problems come in when I let myself be influenced by my own doubts, or my 20 yr old daughter.

As for my own doubts, when my knight starts to test the limits I usually back off and allow him to make more decisions,  and start asking his opinion more. Then I start feeling like it's "unfair" for me to always do what I want to, and I start doing things with his wants primarily in mind. After a few weeks of this, knight turns into a brat. We start arguing and things just go down hill fast.  I  start doubting because he is testing limits. In my head, if he really *wanted* me to be in charge of everything then he wouldn't push and test limits. That's something kids and teenagers do.. but when an almost 50 year old man agrees to submit to his wife in all things, I expect him to do just that I do not expect him to act like a teenager and push and test every freaking thing. He agreed to the terms, and I expect him to be an adult and keep his word. Period.

So, when he doesn't, I start to question things and back off. Intellectually, I mostly understand that's the wrong way to handle it. But, emotionally, I wonder if he is not so much testing limit's as trying to break through them, or trying to get me to stop controlling everything.

Sure, I've talked to him about it. He usually tell me he's fine, and that he doesn't understand why he did whatever it is that he did. Or, he explains why he did what he did. Then, I point out that I asked him to do X, and I had a solid reason for that request, and he's now screwed it up. Sometimes he apologizes (until next time), and sometimes he continues trying to explain himself until I finally tell him I've had enough.

This scenario has played itself out hundreds of times over the last several years. And, because it continues to happen, it makes me wonder if flr is really what he wants, or if he's humoring me to keep the peace, but secretly resents the whole thing.

Then there is my 20 yr old daughter. She is "kind of" aware of our arrangement. Both my adult daughters were still living at home when knight and I implemented the flr lifestyle. We tried to be discrete, but both girls noticed the change in the way we interacted with us. For one, there was significantly less arguing. My oldest girl asked me about it and I told her we'd come to the understanding that her step-dad functions better when he doesn't have to make decisions about what to do. I give him instructions. He follows them. End of discussion. My oldest was able to accept this, mainly because knight and I were getting along a lot better, and he seemed happy.

My second born, however (the current 20 yr old), was furious. She has very strong opinions about what is "fair." She's an "everybody should be treated exactly the same" kind of person. She doesn't believe people need different things. She accused me of being an over-controlling, abusive mega-bitch. Okay, so she didn't use those exact words, but she did say I was being super-controlling, unfair and mildly abusive to knight. Every time she heard me tell him to do something, she would answer with "He doesn't have to, if he doesn't want to." When knight got up to get my tea or make me a plate unasked, she told him, "You should make Mom do that herself." She told me that she thought I was taking advantage of knight and being completely unfair.   Once when knight wanted to go out with some guys from work, I privately told him he couldn't go because we already had family plans for the same day. When my second born realized that knight wasn't going, she made a snide remark. Knight came to my defense and told her that he didn't go because we already had plans, and those plans were more important than a work party. He was careful not to mention that I had told him not to go, but she gave me a hard time about it anyway. The flr aspect of my marriage become a sore spot between my daughter and I-- one that is still there, all these years later.

Now, really, my relationship with my husband is none of my daughter's business. The only exception to that would be if there was any *real* abuse going on. But, in her mind our arrangement is "unfair," and therefore "abusive."  So, she makes it her business. As recently as a week ago, she commented that I was being unfair to my knight. We were talking on video chat, and after awhile, knight got up from the couch and went into the kitchen to wash dinner dishes. Sundays are his night for dinner clean up, and he knows he has to have it done before I'm ready to go to bed. My knight continued to talk to my daughter while he did dishes. My son turned the laptop around to make it easier for knight to hear what DD2 was saying. While they were talking, DD2 sent me a text saying that I was being unfair for "making" knight do dishes while we were on the phone. I answered her text and told her that, actually he had planned on doing dishes while she talked to the kids and I because it was his night. She answered with "whatever, Mom. We all know he only does what you tell him because he's afraid of what will happen if he doesn't."

Now.. she's said that exact thing to me several times before. She's even gone so far to tell me that knight is afraid of me Once, she went as far as to compare me to knight's ex-wife.. When I told him she said that, he was very upset, and insisted that was not true.

But, still it's always in the back of my mind I always question. Before we started the flr lifestyle, my second daughter and I were very close. When she started noticing the outward signs of flr between knight and I, she decided I was being unfair, and mean to him, and became angry with me.

Again, she lives on the other side of the country. She's engaged, and planning to be married next summer. Personally, I don't think it will last. She refers to him as "lazy" and "unmotivated." She is always complaining that he won't help with housework, and works as little as possible. My daughter works 10+ hours a day and is attending college. She tells me that he insists on splitting bills down the middle. Recently she needed a co-signer for a student loan, and she asked her boyfriend to co-sign. He refused saying that he didn't think she needed to go to college. According to my daughter, he told her she has "the best job she's ever going to get" and that going to college was a complete waste of her time. She wants to be a pediatritian, and is currently in a pre-med program. When I asked her about all this in relation to their relationship she answered that she's not like me, she is not going to tell him what to do, or "make" him do anything he doesn't want to. If he doesn't want to wash dishes, clean up after himself, or fold laundry, she's not going make him.  She says she's perfectly happy with their relationship, and is looking forward tot he wedding.

So, she doesn't see the need to have any kind of authority in her marriage. She has based her opinions of how a marriage should look on her bio-fathers marriage. Her bio-father and his 2nd wife are Mormon, and live a very male dominated life. Frankly, as her mom, it makes me sad, and a bit afraid for her future. But, I've tried talking to her, and she has no desire to listen When knight or I have tried to point out that HE is happier when I arrange his schedule, and tell him which chores and tasks to complete (which is, of course, really the only parts of  our arrangement she can see), she  tells us both that she doesn't believe it. She even went so far as to tell my knight that he "just thinks" he's happier, but that she doesn't believe he actually is. Interestingly enough, she can't see that her dad and step-mom have exactly the same arrangement, but in reverse. Her dad makes all the decisions. For some reason, my daughter sees that as "okay" but sees it as "abusive" that I make all the decisions within my marriage.

She's my daughter. I love her to pieces, and I respect her opinions. I raised her to form her own opinions, to have an open mind, and do her own research, but to voice her opinions and stick by her values. And, that is exactly what she is doing. I'm proud of her for that.

But, her insistence that I'm being somehow abusive by controlling my knight's actions, and guiding him in the way I want him to be makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if knight secretly resents the arrangement and is simply going along with it in order to keep the peace.

When I think about that logically, it seems stupid. What person would go along with being told what to do; with having most of his/her daily decisions made for him/her if they didn't want to live that kind of life? But, of course the answer to that is a person unable to get out of an abusive relationship.

Which of, course makes me pause, and again, question myself. Which is why I continually get caught in this circle.

Am I over thinking things? Probably. But, I've seen abusive relationships. My father was an alcoholic when I was a child, and he was physically abusive toward my mother. He controlled everything. My parents divorced when I was 15-- my mother had no idea how to balance a checkbook. I had to teach her. She didn't know how to pay bills, or stick to a budget. My father gave her a set amount for grocery shopping each week, and that's what she had to spend. She had no say in how much money was spent, nor what it was spent on. She had no say in what went on in our house. Was it that way by her choice? The short answer to that is I don't know.

I do know that my father is a violent drunk, and he would come home sometime every Saturday, destroy the house, and beat the living fuck out of my mother while I hid in my room.

Trust me. This was NOT consensual.

So.. was his absolute control over my childhood home due to his abusive nature, or was it something my mother agreed to and wanted?

I'll never know.

They eventually remarried, and he STILL controls her actions. Hell, my mother had a full blown panic attack in my driveway because we had trouble getting a ball off of a trailer hitch. She was afraid of how he would react if she went home without the ball-thingy.  I had to order my mother into my car and get her away from the situation to get her to calm down. My adult daughter was able to fix whatever was stuck while I handled my mother. My father and I quit talking years ago.. and it wasn't until he got sick that she started talking to me again. When I stopped speaking to my father (because of his attempts to dictate how I raise my kids), he forbade her from speaking to me at all.

She's still not allowed to talk to me, but when he got sick she decided that he could no longer stop her. She calls me from the parking lot up the street, and sends me emails from the computer room in her apartment complex. She mails me letters when she's running errands. Because of her current actions, fears, and comments, I firmly believe my father has been abusive toward my mother for at least 45 years.

So.. for me.. the line between abuse and not abuse is a very important one. I have no desire to cause that kind of stress and anxiety in my knight. So when my daughter says she thinks my telling knight what to do is abusive, I listen.

And, my past makes it difficult for me to believe my knight when he tells me he wants me to be in control of everything.  Even with solid, visible evidence that he is happier this way, I always wonder.

A Difficult Lesson

This is SUCH a difficult lesson for me-- Knight needs me to be firm, and unwavering in our FLR. When I waver, or back off to "give him space" things go to hell fairly quickly.  Yes, I've discussed this before, in fact, it's an on-going theme.

So, the question I need to ask myself is WHY am I so slow to learn this? I know my Knight thrives with me in firmly in charge of our daily activities. Heck, there have even been times that I have taken charge of his activities at work, telling him which part of a project to work on first, or what do accomplish during what part of his workday. Having me firmly in control helps him clear the random and destructive thoughts out of his head, it reduces the constant stress he feels at trying to make everyone happy, and it gives him a clear path to follow.

Again.. I know these things about him.

So, then,why is it do difficult for me to follow through and take that leading role in everything? I am a natural leader. I always have been the one in charge. I take charge of most situations and rarely defer to anyone. I've always been the woman in charge in social situations, work situations, etc. I'm the planner, and the person who motivates others to do their part.

So, then WHY do I struggle to maintain that role with my husband? Why to I waver, and start asking his opinions or giving him the opportunity to make some of these decisions himself? Thing always fall apart when I give him too much say in things, or too many decisions to make.

There's one main reason:

Sometimes I feel like not giving my knight a say in things is somehow abusive. I have ended otherwise good relationships with guys who were less "controlling" then I am with knight. If I'm not willing to be treated that way, what right do I have to treat my husband like that?

I would absolutely have a fit if a significant other treated one of my adult children that way. If I don't want my kids treated that way, how can I treat my husband like that? That's what is going through my head.. 


.....but......if my adult child was naturally submissive and wanted/needed that kind of relationship to be happy then would I  be okay with it?

.....I have 4 daughters  and 2 sons. Would I want them to do what society deems "correct" even if it makes them unhappy? No. I've raised my children to follow their hearts and do what is right for them regardless of what anybody (including ME) says or thinks about it. Granted, three of my kids are still at home. Of the six kids we have two teen boys and one pre-teen girl. I talk to the three of them about making their own choices, and not being pressured into doing something that seems wrong to them. At the same time, I talk to my sons about girls, dating, and sex, and we talk about never pressuring a girl.. ANY girl into anything she doesn't want. If she says no, whether it's sex, or just which movie to go to, they shouldn't try to impose their will on them.. let the girl pick activities, treat her well, etc, etc.. 

My 2 adult daughters are both strong, independent women who are learning to be in charge in their romantic relationships.

Would I want my sons to have most choices taken from them by a significant other? I've raised them think for themselves, and to learn to identify what makes them happy and content. But, they are still teens-- emotionally immature, and unable to make that kind of decision. So,  NO. I would not allow a girlfriend to tell them what to do. But.. as they mature into men?  I want them to have happy, fulfilling relationships... and I would expect any woman they marry to meet their needs, no matter what they are. And at that point, those needs are none of my business...

Which brings me back to my knight. IS it abusive of me to take away so many of his day-to-day decisions?
 
By society standards, the answer to that is probably "yes." But.. then the question is-- Do I agree with society's opinion of what is abusive?

The answer to that question is No-absolutely not.

I believe that abuse is in the eye of the person on the receiving end. Many people view BDSM relationships as "abusive." But, I don't see it that way because all parties are involved willingly. They WANT to be there.

To me, abuse is somebody doing something to you that you don't want, that you don't like, or that hurts  you physically without your permission, or hurts you emotionally and psychologically.

I don't like being hit. I don't even like my knight smacking me on the ass, and he learned early that it was NOT acceptable to me. But he grins  like a fool if I punch him on the shoulder, or playfully smack him. 

For me, being smacked on the ass makes me feel uncomfortable. It's demeaning, and insulting... and if he did it all the time, I would eventually view the continued action as mildly abusive........but  my knight loves it, and doesn't at all view it that way when I swat him.

Same action-- two different reactions.

So, I can't base MY interpretation of flr on how being submissive makes ME feel. I have to look it makes my knight feel.

We've talked about it. He does NOT view my dominance of him as abusive. He thrives on it.. even though he still hates the word "submissive." He thrives on the structure, and guidance...he feels more confident knowing *exactly* what I want from him in every given situation, and at every moment.

Knowing all this, why do I still question myself when it comes to dominating my knight?  After all these years, I still struggle with the idea that I am somehow being abusive, mean and unfair?

I have seen with my own eyes that my marriage is stronger, more peaceful, closer, and frankly, almost perfect, when I maintain a firm control.. firm guidelines, and firm expectations for my knight. We are both happier.

When I start letting my dominance slip, start giving him more choices, and more say in things, we start bickering, misunderstandings happen, he turns into a jerk, and things go downhill from there.

So.. again, why do I struggle with this? The results of a firm flr are clear and consistent in our life.

And yet..there is still a part of me that struggles with the idea that I'm being abusive by dominating him.