This is SUCH a difficult lesson for me-- Knight needs me to be firm, and unwavering in our FLR. When I waver, or back off to "give him space" things go to hell fairly quickly. Yes, I've discussed this before, in fact, it's an on-going theme.
So, the question I need to ask myself is WHY am I so slow to learn this? I know my Knight thrives with me in firmly in charge of our daily activities. Heck, there have even been times that I have taken charge of his activities at work, telling him which part of a project to work on first, or what do accomplish during what part of his workday. Having me firmly in control helps him clear the random and destructive thoughts out of his head, it reduces the constant stress he feels at trying to make everyone happy, and it gives him a clear path to follow.
Again.. I know these things about him.
So, then,why is it do difficult for me to follow through and take that leading role in everything? I am a natural leader. I always have been the one in charge. I take charge of most situations and rarely defer to anyone. I've always been the woman in charge in social situations, work situations, etc. I'm the planner, and the person who motivates others to do their part.
So, then WHY do I struggle to maintain that role with my husband? Why to I waver, and start asking his opinions or giving him the opportunity to make some of these decisions himself? Thing always fall apart when I give him too much say in things, or too many decisions to make.
There's one main reason:
Sometimes I feel like not giving my knight a say in things is somehow abusive. I have ended otherwise good relationships with guys who were less "controlling" then I am with knight. If I'm not willing to be treated that way, what right do I have to treat my husband like that?
I would absolutely have a fit if a significant other treated one of my adult children that way. If I don't want my kids treated that way, how can I treat my husband like that? That's what is going through my head..
.....but......if my adult child was naturally submissive and wanted/needed that kind of relationship to be happy then would I be okay with it?
.....I have 4 daughters and 2 sons. Would I want them to do what society deems "correct" even if it makes them unhappy? No. I've raised my children to follow their hearts and do what is right for them regardless of what anybody (including ME) says or thinks about it. Granted, three of my kids are still at home. Of the six kids we have two teen boys and one pre-teen girl. I talk to the three of them about making their own choices, and not being pressured into doing something that seems wrong to them. At the same time, I talk to my sons about girls, dating, and sex, and we talk about never pressuring a girl.. ANY girl into anything she doesn't want. If she says no, whether it's sex, or just which movie to go to, they shouldn't try to impose their will on them.. let the girl pick activities, treat her well, etc, etc..
My 2 adult daughters are both strong, independent women who are learning to be in charge in their romantic relationships.
Would I want my sons to have most choices taken from them by a significant other? I've raised them think for themselves, and to learn to identify what makes them happy and content. But, they are still teens-- emotionally immature, and unable to make that kind of decision. So, NO. I would not allow a girlfriend to tell them what to do. But.. as they mature into men? I want them to have happy, fulfilling relationships... and I would expect any woman they marry to meet their needs, no matter what they are. And at that point, those needs are none of my business...
Which brings me back to my knight. IS it abusive of me to take away so many of his day-to-day decisions?
By society standards, the answer to that is probably "yes." But.. then the question is-- Do I agree with society's opinion of what is abusive?
The answer to that question is No-absolutely not.
I believe that abuse is in the eye of the person on the receiving end. Many people view BDSM relationships as "abusive." But, I don't see it that way because all parties are involved willingly. They WANT to be there.
To me, abuse is somebody doing something to you that you don't want, that you don't like, or that hurts you physically without your permission, or hurts you emotionally and psychologically.
I don't like being hit. I don't even like my knight smacking me on the ass, and he learned early that it was NOT acceptable to me. But he grins like a fool if I punch him on the shoulder, or playfully smack him.
For me, being smacked on the ass makes me feel uncomfortable. It's demeaning, and insulting... and if he did it all the time, I would eventually view the continued action as mildly abusive........but my knight loves it, and doesn't at all view it that way when I swat him.
Same action-- two different reactions.
So, I can't base MY interpretation of flr on how being submissive makes ME feel. I have to look it makes my knight feel.
We've talked about it. He does NOT view my dominance of him as abusive. He thrives on it.. even though he still hates the word "submissive." He thrives on the structure, and guidance...he feels more confident knowing *exactly* what I want from him in every given situation, and at every moment.
Knowing all this, why do I still question myself when it comes to dominating my knight? After all these years, I still struggle with the idea that I am somehow being abusive, mean and unfair?
I have seen with my own eyes that my marriage is stronger, more peaceful, closer, and frankly, almost perfect, when I maintain a firm control.. firm guidelines, and firm expectations for my knight. We are both happier.
When I start letting my dominance slip, start giving him more choices, and more say in things, we start bickering, misunderstandings happen, he turns into a jerk, and things go downhill from there.
So.. again, why do I struggle with this? The results of a firm flr are clear and consistent in our life.
And yet..there is still a part of me that struggles with the idea that I'm being abusive by dominating him.