Tuesday, October 9, 2012

We Are Back.

I screwed up. Majorly.  I'm  not talking about your run of the mill "oops I forgot to pick up the kids" I'm talking about a huge, complete and absolute .... almost destroyed my marriage" kind of screw up.

What did I do? I "suspended" our flr arrangement and tried to go back to "typical."  After several talks with my Knight I started to believe that he was really just going along with flr to keep the peace. I believed that flr wasn't something the he really *wanted* .... that he was just going along so we wouldn't fight.  The clincher for me was when he said said orgasm control was "just like being with my ex."  I know how miserable he was with his ex, I know how badly her hang ups about sex screwed up my Knight's perceptions and ideas.  If  *anything* I do or say brings back those painful memories or feels like anything she did to him, I am TOTALLY on the wrong track.  After we had that conversation, there was little he could say to convince me that he was okay with the changes we'd made to our marriage. That one comparison was enough to completely convince me that I was being bossy, and manipulative... and not in a good way.

So.. I sat him down and told him I thought we should suspend the flr arrangement and go back to him being responsible for himself. I told him there would be on more lists.. no more expectations....no more demands. That he was still expected to do his part..... but that I would no longer define "his part" for him. Toward the end of that conversation I told him that if I was wrong.. if he really didn't want to dissolve the flr he could prove that to me by sticking to the flr, and keeping the current daily requirements. That if he did that, I would reconsider.

But.. he didn't.  Almost immediately he started dropping the ball on things I asked of him.

I thought I was doing him a favor. I thought I was giving my Knight what he wanted.

I was WRONG. Very... VERY.. Wrong.

My Knight felt like he was being punished for something. He got angry, passive aggressive,  depressed, and distant. He says he felt like I "pulled the rug out from under him" and that he felt "like you didn't want me around anymore."

Never again.

A few weeks ago, I asked him why he had been so damned distant with me and the kids.. What the heck was going on with him. I'm not sure why he finally told me.... because it was not the first time I'd asked what was wrong.. but THIS time he told me exactly how unhappy and depressed he has been since I suspended our flr agreement. I learned exactly how he felt about it.

And I'm glad he finally talked to me.

We have reinstated our flr. And.. I have promised him that I will never.... NEVER suspend it for any reason whatsoever.. unless he actually says the words  "I don't want the flr anymore"




7 comments:

  1. Welcome back, I've missed reading your blog!

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  2. Welcome back! I have missed you two. You've just validated what we always say about the importance of communication in a marriage.

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  3. Such interruptions are not unusual. Very happy You resolved the issue and have your FLR back on track. Conflict and reconciliation are good lessons for Your children. Since Your daughter is coming of age where boys will try to take advantage of Her, we hope You can find a way to make this a learning opportunity for Her. Now, or in the near future, Your daughter should become the Queen in waiting. She should be learning to take partial control of Your knight. She certainly should be learning how to control Her young knights.

    We are glad you are back.

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  4. The few times that my wife has whipped me, she has spoilt it un intentionally by asking things like "is that enough" or "is that what you wanted". OK she is inexperienced at the dominant thing.

    What I wanted was for her to decide.

    Sound like your husband is like that.

    Anyway, glad you recognised it.

    Good luck

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  5. Dear Angelique,

    I think you should recognize the fact that YOU didn't screw up HE did. I recall in past posts how you've tried to get the man to communicate with you but to no avail. Nothing has changed on that front IMO.

    There are countless men out there who ache to submit to their wives, and if they are lucky enough to be married to a woman wants to assume the dominant role, believe me... they will have NO trouble communicating the feelings which have been simmering within for their entire lives. I know of what I speak, because that's where I once hailed from.

    Take a step back and look at your situation objectively.

    1. You want your marriage to succeed regardless of any D/s dynamic.

    2. When you gave him what he said he wanted, he repaid you with a cutting remark.

    3. You pulled back so as not to become "his ex", and to save your marriage.

    And what happened???? He sulked like a child, refused to apologize, and somehow made YOU out to be the party at fault.

    I'm glad that things are on the mend now and I'm not trying to cause turmoil in your relationship. But it seems to me that if history is any guide, his inability to communicate will cause further trouble in the days ahead. I think that this is something you really need to address for the health of your marriage.

    Best,

    Jake

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  6. Thanks for your comments, Jake. You are correct - communication can be a stumbling block for us. My Knight has a difficult time expressing his feelings, needs, and desires.

    Our marriage was not in trouble when I suspended our flr agreement. Things were going better than they had in years. I suspended the flr because I wasn't convinced my Knight was content with the arrangement. Comments he made during our twice a month evaluations made me believe he was only agreeing to the flr in order to keep the peace.

    The trouble started (restarted, if you read our back story) AFTER I suspended the flr. No more than 12-15 hours after.

    My Knight's comment about orgasm control and denial reminding him of his ex was not meant to be a nasty, cutting comment. He was being honest, exactly like I asked him to. The interpretation of that comment was mine. His ex is/was seriously mentally ill with an illness that causes hallucinations, paranoid behavior,and lots of weirdness. That woman gave him a new definition of hell. So, it's natural that things come up that from my standpoint are innocent and fun.. but remind him of her craziness. It doesn't happen often... but it does happen.

    We've reinstated our flr, and I promised him I will never suspend it unless he specifically asks. At the same time, we are talking about why it works for us, and what each of us gets from it. I feels like we're going in circles... but I do think we're learning about each other in the process.

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