I screwed up. Majorly. I'm not talking about your run of the mill "oops I forgot to pick up the kids" I'm talking about a huge, complete and absolute .... almost destroyed my marriage" kind of screw up.
What did I do? I "suspended" our flr arrangement and tried to go back to "typical." After several talks with my Knight I started to believe that he was really just going along with flr to keep the peace. I believed that flr wasn't something the he really *wanted* .... that he was just going along so we wouldn't fight. The clincher for me was when he said said orgasm control was "just like being with my ex." I know how miserable he was with his ex, I know how badly her hang ups about sex screwed up my Knight's perceptions and ideas. If *anything* I do or say brings back those painful memories or feels like anything she did to him, I am TOTALLY on the wrong track. After we had that conversation, there was little he could say to convince me that he was okay with the changes we'd made to our marriage. That one comparison was enough to completely convince me that I was being bossy, and manipulative... and not in a good way.
So.. I sat him down and told him I thought we should suspend the flr arrangement and go back to him being responsible for himself. I told him there would be on more lists.. no more expectations....no more demands. That he was still expected to do his part..... but that I would no longer define "his part" for him. Toward the end of that conversation I told him that if I was wrong.. if he really didn't want to dissolve the flr he could prove that to me by sticking to the flr, and keeping the current daily requirements. That if he did that, I would reconsider.
But.. he didn't. Almost immediately he started dropping the ball on things I asked of him.
I thought I was doing him a favor. I thought I was giving my Knight what he wanted.
I was WRONG. Very... VERY.. Wrong.
My Knight felt like he was being punished for something. He got angry, passive aggressive, depressed, and distant. He says he felt like I "pulled the rug out from under him" and that he felt "like you didn't want me around anymore."
A few weeks ago, I asked him why he had been so damned distant with me and the kids.. What the heck was going on with him. I'm not sure why he finally told me.... because it was not the first time I'd asked what was wrong.. but THIS time he told me exactly how unhappy and depressed he has been since I suspended our flr agreement. I learned exactly how he felt about it.
And I'm glad he finally talked to me.
We have reinstated our flr. And.. I have promised him that I will never.... NEVER suspend it for any reason whatsoever.. unless he actually says the words "I don't want the flr anymore"