There was an incident yesterday where my I asked my Knight to drop off a huge bag of books to one of the charity based 2nd hand stores... again. These books have been in the back of our van for 3 weeks, waiting to be donated. Yesterday I reminded him for the -who knows how many-th time to drop them off on his way home from work. The donation site is less than one mile from his office so, really.. this is NOT a huge deal.. just get it done. Well.. once again it didn't get done. My Knight's "explanation"?
"I wasn't sure you still wanted me to make the stop since we're taking the kids to the lake."
Um. Yeah. Whatever. That makes no sense.. since I never said:
- don't don't take the books for donation
- I never said "come straight home"
- we are in email contact all day long. There is NEVER a time during his day at work where he is unable to send me an email. He could have easily emailed and asked.
- Ditto for text.
- I sent him an email about mid-way through the day to remind him to drop off the books.
And then.. last Sunday there was the breakfast bickering. My Knight got up late, and then spent 35 minutes following me around the house asking what I wanted for breakfast. Quite frankly, I wanted to go get my shower so I could get ready for church. But instead ended up standing in our kitchen discussing breakfast choice that could not have cared less about.. and Yes, I told him "I don't care.. just make something, I'm going up to take my shower." My Knight started talking about running out to the store for something or other and it stopped me in my tracks. We were getting ready for church. The 6 of us had to be out the door and in the van in 20 minutes, if we were to make it on-time. We did not have the time for him to run to the store. After wasting another 5 minutes going in circles I finally told him never mind. I'll make my own breakfast that day.... and every day from here on out - not to bother. And then I went upstairs for a quick shower.
Interestingly enough.. when I came back down, my Knight had made breakfast, AND the tea he had totally forgotten about. And he has made breakfast for me everyday this week.
It's these little things that make me go back to wondering if my Knight really wants FLR, or if he's just agreed to go along with this to save our marriage a year ago. I find myself wondering if he's doing some sort of passive-aggressive protest bs over specific requests of mine..
I realize that's a question none of you can answer... that I need to ask HIM. And I have.. many, many times. Each time he tells me the same.. "Yes, I want this." My Knight was excited and thrilled to receive his ring. That ring has not come off his finger once since I presented him with it. If I even suggest we take a break from FLR for a while my Knight tells me that's not what he wants.. that he's happy with and likes the way things are. Heck.. every time I remind him that finances, or our social obligations, or planning things, or even scheduling when he will finish writing projects, are no longer his concern - that is job now is just to do
as I ask him, he answers with "do you have any idea how much I love you" or something similar.
Granted...... I have not asked him if he still wants FLR since I give him the ring, but as you can see from the breakfast episode, the mere mention of "I'll do it myself" caused him to get over whatever his issue was and get the job done. And.. after he didn't drop off those books yesterday I sent him an email this morning asking if it would be better if I just went back to doing everything myself. He dropped those books off on his way home tonight.
But... at the same time, my Knight has pulled the passive aggressive crap on me before. Saying he'll do something and then not following through because he really doesn't want to.. he just agreed to avoid an argument. Granted.. that was before the FLR agreement when we were both still pretty angry with each other, but .... it makes me wonder.
I've asked my Knight to keep a journal of his feelings and thoughts regarding FLR, us, and life in general. But, he doesn't write init very often. Actually, he was really good about it for the first week or so, and then just stopped... when I asked him about it, he claimed lack of time. So, I carved out 45 minutes each evening for journal writing. But, he always seems to find a way to fill that time with something he "forgot" or "didn't have time" to do earlier in the day.
I am looking at my Knight's actions and I see one of two possibilities here.. 1. He really is not into this whole FLR thing and is just trying to keep the peace or 2. He's trying to get me to be more strict with him.
A third possibility would be that he really IS that forgetful.... but I don't think so.
Could it be that my Knight is still so caught up in not wanting to displease me that it is still causing him to go in circles? That my insistence that I didn't care what we ate for breakfast on Sunday sent him into a tailspin of wondering what I *really* wanted? And that finding out we were going to the lake when he got home made him wonder if I really wanted him to delay getting home by dropping off those books...and since he couldn't decide he did nothing?
But in the case of the books, why not just email me and be done with it? A quick email asking is a heck of a lot more efficient than stressing and wondering.
When I ask him these questions, he tells me likes the FLR arrangement --that he feels calmer and less stressed knowing I have everything under control. And I believe him. About the other possibilities, he tells me he doesn't know... or he's not sure.. or..... tries to change the subject. Leaving me wondering what do do next.
I never expected this transition to be an easy one. But I did expect to get some input from my Knight about what works best for him, and most importantly WHY. I have *got* to get him comfortable with talking about FLR and his own submissive tendencies. I keep saying I'm going to try "conversation by cock tease" but, when it comes down to it I always feel so .... manipulative doing that. I've done it twice with mixed results. The first time my Knight answered everything I asked him. The second time he wasn't very forthcoming with answers. And both times, I felt like I unfairly manipulated and took advantage of him. Even though we talked about the 'conversation by cock tease" approach, and he knew what I was doing, and he's told me more than once "do whatever you feel you need to keep me on track" I still felt like crap for manipulating him like that, and I haven't done it since.
Maybe the whole manipulation issue is a whole different blog post.