This is an excerpt from this morning's entry to my private journal with a few changes for clarity and (of course) privacy. It's a lot of random thoughts about some of the things I've been talking about and dealing with...........
Things seem to be improving between knight and I. I’ve gone back to telling him, not asking, or even requesting. I’ve gone back to being authoritative and he is responding to it. He said the other day that he just wants “us” back. So, maybe he realizes this works. While we were emailing back and forth the other day I pointed out to him that the only time things were ever *really* good, as opposed to just "okay", was when I was firmly and completely in control of things. I told him I wanted that back, and he answered that email with “yes, I want US back” so maybe he gets it.
So far, over the last few days I’ve told him what time to leave work, and basically set his schedule. He seems… relieved. We’ve been closer.. More cuddly, and he’s been more… sweet and attentive than he’s been in months. Even though he’s stressed and worried about this project, he’s STILL being sweeter, and more considerate toward me AND the kids, than he’s been in months. He seems.. Calmer. Less antsy.. Less freaked out. I can deal with this. I've *missed* this.
Somebody on Qnk likened it to a parent/child relationship.. It’s not abusive when a parent sets strong limits for the child, it’s considered good parenting.
This morning it occurred to me that it’s like a manager/employee relationship. The manager assigns tasks, and handles the overall management of the workforce. He’s my workforce, and I’m his manager in all things. Simple.
...........Interesting thought. I got angry at knight one day for not taking control, and being in charge when I was in massive pain and NEEDED him to take that control… would it have been wrong or abusive of him to take control, and tell me to take kava? No. It would not have been. In fact, after the situation was over I was upset with him for not taking that control when I needed him to.
So.. He needs me to take control on a daily basis. He’s more secure, happier, and feels loved when I manage things for him. It’s one of the ways he feels my love. He LIKES to feel me around him, in his world all the time, and starts feeling lost and unloved if I take that “wrap-around” away. So.. Really by managing everything, oftentimes including his day, I am helping him to feel loved and cared for. Maybe it makes a little more sense now.. “Maybe”
Flr is something I do because I love him.. It’s something I do FOR him, not TO him. And that’s the difference. If he hated it, then it would be wrong.. But because he thrives on it, and my control helps him to feel loved, cared for, and wanted, that makes it okay. Important even.
I’ve seen a solid difference in him over the last couple days since I started managing his work time for him. I should have started this right after he started struggling with this project, last September. He was complaining a lot.. And maybe that was his way of asking for help? He’s not going to come out and just say “I need you to help me manage my time” and he’s not going ask if he can work overtime. I should have told him.. You are working until 7 tonight to get caught up on this project, instead of allowing him to struggle with managing work and home time-- and fall behind.
Maybe I’m slowly starting to get this?
So……THAT’s why he’s so upset and down on himself about writing time.. I have not specifically said .. “Go write” so he has not been taking dedicated time.. Just like going into to work for optional overtime, he’s not going to do it, or even ask for it .. He needs me to tell him to do it-- I have to assign and manage that for him.
I still don't understand all this.. You would think that after almost 5 years of flr that I would start to understand.. But — no. If he tried to tell me when I could write, and when I could work, and when I was doing X, or if he wanted full control over the bills, what and when I eat, or when and if we had sex, I would be unhappy and angry. I would feel like he was being an overbearing, over-controlling ass. But he is not me.. And being managed helps him know that I love him..THAT’s why he gets upset and depressed when I back off.. It’s why things get stupid when I back off.
Maybe I get it now..