As part of the at process I am asking my Knight (again) about motivations, reasons, wants, needs, ect. I remember why I was so frustrated with him, and questioning all this before.
My Knight is using phrases like "it's better than the alternative", "I don't know that I do enjoy being controlled", "no, I don't have an underlying need or desire to be controlled. What I have is an underlying need to see you happy" , "sometimes it's okay, and sometimes it reminds me of my ex" , "I am happy and content with the flr", "It works for us", "How can I not enjoy it, we're not fighting all the time", "I don't feel controlled, babe".
Not a very convincing argument in favor of flr. Of course, his behavior is, as it's always been, very positive toward flr.
During the conversation my Knight said to me something along the lines of, "of course I enjoy it, it's better than the alternative, isn't it? You'd do the same thing" .....
And there's the issue... I would NOT do the same. If I were in his shoes and my choices were:
1. Hand over almost total control to my partner or
2. Go back to the way things were between us 18 months ago
I would choose neither. I would end the relationship. Divorce would be better than door number one, and door number two was miserable and unhappy.
So.. when my Knight says to me "it's better than the alternative" what I'm hearing is .. "eh.. it's better/easier than a divorce."
Which is seriously NOT the same as liking the arrangement, or enjoying the flr dynamic.
And that's my hang up. I'm not sure how to get around it, either. I care very deeply about my Knight's happiness. If he's not getting anything from flr except a lack of fighting and less stress... then I don't understand why he wanted to reinstate it. I'm not going to suspend the flr again... I promised him I would leave it intact unless he said the states "I don't want the flr anymore." But, at the same time I need to understand his motivations here.. for my own peace of mind. I have no problem being the dominant partner and managing/controlling things. Over the last 18 months, I have found that I enjoy it most of the time. .... BUT ... I don't want it at the expense of his happiness or contentedness.
At the same time... my Knight SEEMS happier, more secure, more confident, less stressed, more content, more open emotionally, when I am the dominant partner. There is a clear difference in him between when we do active flr, and when we don't. Even before I suspended the agreement.. when I occasionally and accidentally dropped it by no exerting my control, my Knight started slipping back to old ways. He became lost. When I made the effort to regain that control, he was happier and more himself again.
When I point that out to him, my Knight always says he doesn't see it. But.. I see it.. heck the KIDS see the difference in him
There is a part of me that wants... no..needs to know that my Knight wants the flr.. that he enjoys the arrangement and that it makes him happy and content. Yes, I have behavioral evidence. I'm not denying that. But...... if flr is only "better than the alternative" then.. who is to say the positive changes I see in my Knight are not simply from lack of conflict and not directly flr related?
Many readers will probably think I'm over-analyzing this... and maybe I am. But that's how my mind works. There is a reason for everything... every action.. every behavior. And in writing our new rules knowing the reasons why he wants this... knowing that he does want this... leads to different rules than simply agreeing to keep the peace.