I started writing this in response to a comment someone left on the blog, but then I realized it should be a post of its own.
When I started our flr 12...maybe 15 months ago.. I did it out of desperation to save our marriage. I looked through an on-line journal my Knight and I used to discuss sensitive emotional topics and I found that one thing remained constant over the previous 5 years or so: He was always asking me to tell him what I wanted from him. He wanted me to write lists, to define his role in my life. A few times the topic of D/s came up, and he completely denied that was what he wanted. At the same time, he would repeat the request that I manage his time, tasks and activities. I went looking for a way to bring up the D/s dynamic with him one last time...I spent several hours researching, reading, learning about FLR, personality types and many other things in one last ditch effort to end the constant bickering, resentment and anger without filing for divorce.
I did it out of necessity - I never expected to enjoy it.
But.. I do enjoy it.
It's not the submission that I enjoy.. not exactly. What I love is the person he becomes when I actively lead.
When I don't actively lead him, my Knight is unsure of himself, easily rattled and moody. He never seems to know what to do at any given moment. He has 10 projects going around the house, and none of them EVER get done. (no. I am not exaggerating here.) He's scatterbrained, anxious and underfoot. LOL.. Underfoot because he is trying so hard to "please me" every single moment that he gets in the way... like a puppy following my every move, I end up tripping over him. Don't get me wrong.. I appreciate that he is simply trying to do what he thinks I want done, but... most of the time he has no real clue. When I don't lead sex is .... Okay..... but not great. I always feel like there's something missing... like he's only half there.
When I actively lead my Knight his whole outlook seems to change - he becomes more confident in everything he does. That confidence even carries over to his work and his writing. He stresses and worries less, he is less moody, and almost nothing rattles him. When I lead him, my Knight is much less forgetful. His projects get finished. When I lead, my Knight knows exactly what he can do to "please me" and so he doesn't follow me around like a lost pup. My Knight is always attentive to me, whether I'm leading or not. But, when I lead those attentions are more focused.. more.. purposeful. He doesn't sit in front of me waiting for me to reach for a cup, start a chore, or move something. When I actively lead, my Knight knows I will ask him to do that chore, make that tea or ..whatever. He doesn't have to wait for the chance to jump in and do it for me. I will find tasks for him to do for me. When I lead,, sex with my Knight changes. He is totally and completely focused on whatever we are doing. He cuddles more, he seems less hesitant to make his wants known. We are closer.
Doing things for me makes my Knight happy. Somehow.. doing things for me gives him focus and purpose. I don't understand it.. but that seems to be the way he works. When I don't actively lead him, my Knight becomes preoccupied with figuring out what he can do for me next.. so preoccupied, in fact that he can barely concentrate on anything else. The lack of directions seems to send him into a depression.
When I give all that energy some direction my Knight is a totally different guy. I love how confident he becomes when I lead him. I love that all it takes is a couple words from me for him to stop stressing let go of the worry. It doesn't matter what he's worried about... just a simple reminder that I have it.. and that I want him to do X, Y or Z is enough for him to let go and relax. When I lead my Knight, he becomes my rock when things around us are hectic. His calm confidence is a source of strength for me. When I lead him, my Knight seems confident and secure in my love, and in his place in my life.
When I lead him, I love the intimacy of knowing I have caused these changes in my Knight.