I've noticed that flr has invaded our entire life. Even when I'm not being blatantly dominant, it comes out in the way knight and I interact with each other. I'm talking about subtle differences between us that people outside our house wouldn't really notice. Even before we openly adopted the flr lifestyle, my dominance was obvious in our relationship.
My friends "see ifhusband would mind stopping at the store on the way home." By contrast I "email him and have him stop to get...."
The other day my adult daughter remarked that her boyfriend would prefer she not move her dog in with them because he's not much of a dog person. My daughter agreed to respect his wishes. When knight and I got together and I decided I wanted the kids to have a dog, I told him, "we're going to the pound this weekend to get a dog."
When knight and I started talking about getting married, I didn't wait for him to ask me. I picked the date, planned the ceremony, and asked him if there was anything important he'd like to add.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom about their finances. I offered to help her with a bill. My mom got worried. She was concerned that my knight would be upset. "Mom, he doesn't mind. And, even if he did - I handle the budget and all of our finances. It's not up to him."
Speaking of my mother, a few years ago, when we lived in the same city, she stopped by for the afternoon. Knight took it upon himself to handle the kids, cook dinner, make tea and snacks for my mother and I so we could visit in peace. My mom commented that I shouldn't let him do that, because he'd feel put upon. She kept telling him to sit down and let us do it. When he was out of the room, I told my mother that she should leave him alone because he always takes care of things when people are over so I don't have to. She was speechless. (this was WAY before flr)
At church, a few weeks ago the choir director was struggling to move the church piano. Knight was across the room from me. He caught my eye - his question was unmistakable, "Do you want me to go help her?" I nodded my permission. A few days later, the choir director told me she saw the exchange between us, and wondered what it was about. I told her the truth- that he was getting my okay to help her move the piano.
The kids know that Mom is in charge. My 12 yr old son will occasionally ask knight, "did you ask Mom if we can......."
I make comments to my older daughters that I need to "put that on his list."
When talking to people, I've always mostly referred to my knight simply as "him" or "he". I don't do it intentionally, but I've always done it. For example instead of saying "Knight went on a business trip last week." I'll use He instead. My mother called me on it once, saying it was disrespectful to my knight. My answer to her was.. "who ELSE would I be talking about?"
Friends have to check with their husbands before they make social plans. I simply tell him what our schedule is and what I'm doing.
I've been asked, "won't your husband mind?", and I think it's the dumbest question. Of course he won't mind. Why would he?
What's my point here? I don't know. I read I'm- hers post about a conversation with his mom, and it got me thinking about how my marriage is perceived by others.
When it comes down to it , I don't really care what other people think about my marriage. Unless they are part of my marriage, it's none of their concern. But, reading his post did make me realize that I've seen changes in my own mother recently. My father is controlling and when I was a child he was abusive toward my mother. She has spent the last 40 something years putting up with that man's crap, and I will never understand why. But, I talk to her sometimes about the way my marriage is structured. We haven't had an open conversation about flr, and we never will, but I make it a point to make comments like, "it's okay, Mom, I control the finances." or "He's not going to mind, I decide where we go, and what we do." Recently, made the comment that I would have my knight "look into it for her." And, that when she was ready, I would have him take time from work to fly to her to help her move.
She's not openly commented on any of these things, but the other day she told me that she was going to do something or other and that she wasn't giving my father any say in the matter. He would do as she told him. She also told me that she was intentionally keeping a person away from my dad because she thought the man was a bad influence on him. These are positive changes for my mom - she's not letting my father dominate her anymore. She's standing up for herself with him after 40+ years of marriage, she's putting her foot down and making her wishes known. I'd like to think that our conversations have something to do with that.
I say I struggle with flr, but in reality flr is a very ingrained part of our marriage. It always has been. I've always had the attitude that I expect him to do what I ask of him. Our day-to-day flr is subtle, but it's there. I'm working on being less subtle about it. But, if you look, his submission to me is in everything we do.