I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, and the problems and distance between us. Answer the following questions with a simple "yes" or "no". If your answers are no, that's fine, we'll deal with it. Just know that you will be held accountable for your answers. If you don't answer -today April 10-I will assume the marriage is over, and act accordingly.
1. Do you really, truly want to save this marriage?
2. Are you staying because it's "easier"? You avoid conflict at all costs. Divorce is a major conflict, and I can see you staying simply because it's easier.
3. Can you honestly, and deeply say that you want us to be close?
4. You tend to act in very passive aggressive ways. I've been saying for years, and I stand by that. Are you willing to look at it honestly, and address the issues?
If he says he doesn't want to save the marriage, or if he says he's staying because it's easier, or if he is not willing to look at things honestly, then I am completely and utterly done with this. I can't say that I will file for divorce, because I'm not sure a divorce is in the kids' best interests. Our youngest is 9. I'd rather wait until shes a bit older before we divorce. But, I won't put any energy or thought into the relationship, and I will focus entirely on the kids and myself.
If he says that he does want to save our marriage and is willing to put the work into it, then I will create a simple list of things that he must do in order to even have a shot at working things out. I'm still thinking about what will be on that list, but right now it looks like this:
1. Read about passive aggressive behavior, and learn to recognize it in yourself, and admit it.
2. Learn to identify and talk to me about your feelings. "I don't know" is no longer acceptable. I have to see steady progress on this goal.
3. Listen and repeat back to me when I talk to you.
4. Take solid action every day that shows the kids and I that we are important to you. (I'm thinking about including a list of ways he can do that, because it's different for each of us, and sometimes the Aspie-ness gets in his way).
If he doesn't answer the questions at all, then I will assume he's not interested in trying. In that case, or in the case that he confirms he doesn't really care, or isn't interested in doing the work, then I will start by focusing completely on me and the kids. I'll start doing what I want and not including him in our plans. He's welcome to join us, if he wants to, but I won't ask, and I won't expect him to be involved. I'll act like it's just me and the kids while I decide if a divorce is absolutely necessary for me to be happy. I'm also going to do a lot of reading on passive aggressive behavior.