Friday, April 10, 2015

My Thoughts And Plans.

This morning I sent knight the following email:
I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, and the problems and distance between us. Answer the following questions with a simple "yes" or "no". If your answers are no, that's fine, we'll deal with it. Just know that you will be held accountable for your answers. If you don't answer -today April 10-I will assume the marriage is over, and act accordingly.

1. Do you really, truly want to save this marriage?

2. Are you staying because it's "easier"? You avoid conflict at all costs. Divorce is a major conflict, and I can see you staying simply because it's easier.

3. Can you honestly, and deeply say that you want us to be close?

4. You tend to act in very passive aggressive ways. I've been saying for years, and I stand by that. Are you willing to look at it honestly, and address the issues?



If he says he doesn't want to save the marriage, or if he says he's staying because it's easier, or if he is not willing to look at things honestly, then I am completely and utterly done with this. I can't say that I will file for divorce, because I'm not sure a divorce is in the kids' best interests. Our youngest is 9. I'd rather wait until shes a bit older before we divorce. But, I won't put any energy or thought into the relationship, and I will focus entirely on the kids and myself. 

If he says that he does want to save our marriage and is willing to put the work into it, then I will create a simple list of things that he must do in order to even have a shot at working things out. I'm still thinking about what will be on that list, but right now it looks like this:

1. Read about passive aggressive behavior, and learn to recognize it in yourself, and admit it.
2. Learn to identify and talk to me about your feelings. "I don't know" is no longer acceptable. I have to see steady progress on this goal.
3.  Listen and repeat back to me when I talk to you. 
4. Take solid action every day that shows the kids and I that we are important to you. (I'm thinking about including a list of ways he can do that, because it's different for each of us, and sometimes the Aspie-ness gets in his way).



If he doesn't answer the questions at all, then I will assume he's not interested in trying. In that case, or in the case that he confirms he doesn't really care, or isn't interested in doing the work, then I will start by focusing completely on me and the kids. I'll start doing what I want and not including him in our plans. He's welcome to join us, if he wants to, but I won't ask, and I won't expect him to be involved. I'll act like it's just me and the kids while I decide if a divorce is absolutely necessary for me to be happy. I'm also going to do a lot of reading on passive aggressive behavior.


5 comments:

  1. You are making things very clear and simple for knight, Angelique. Also, making clear choices to seek happiness for you and the kids is good way to handle ambivalence from him, and a good path to go down even if he does get on board.

    Best wishes to you, Dearest Angelique. I hope you continue with your plans to go out Saturday no matter what.

    Have a great evening,

    Scott

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  2. Ms Angelique, I agree with what you are doing. Keep it very, very simple and direct so that he can't twist things around as he is so good at doing. I am looking forward to seeing if he will engage and make a commitment. Don't back down or settle for less than you really want and need from him.

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    1. He's really good at saying he will commit to things. Of course, he said things would change.. but once again, as soon as he believed it had all blown over, he went right back to the same things. I didn't even get a week. I'm fed up, frustrated, sad, and quite frankly want to beat him to a pulp for putting us through this constantly. We are right back to where we were before we started the flr. And the real bitch is that I don't even understand why we are here.

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  3. don't ever give up on your marriage your knight loves you try your best to make it all work out life is very hard thank GOD he works and wants to care for you.. he just needs some help he might be depressed tell him you love him and forgive him don't ever give up . I can see you want your marriage t work so we all need love an forgiveness to make in this life hold on and be storng

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  4. I agree with the comment above whole heartedly. I know that men can be pig headed fools but often we are terrible at expressing our emotions, not because we don't have them, but because we don't understand what we feel. I read once that for an FLR to work it must be grounded rock solid on a sure foundation. If there were problems before FLR, there will be problems after. Ellie has a friend who's going through a situation very similar to yours right now and based on what I know about her husband I would say he is definitely clinically depressed. Its very difficult when dealing with the male ego to get us to admit when we need help but I think you said the right words to elicit a response. Just make sure he knows you don't want to give up on the marriage.

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