Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Where Are We Now?

It's been less than a week since I told knight exactly what is expected of him. We had a decent weekend. No fighting, no arguing, he did exactly as I needed him to, was attentive to the kids and me, and was fully present in our life. For my part, I made an intentional effort to be physically closer to him than I have been. We didn't have sex, because I'm just not there yet. I'm still hurt. But, I did everything I could to let him know that I love him and want things to work out between us.  We went to bed Sunday night curled up around each other, and feeling like there was hope

Then, it all went to hell on Monday.

Monday, I decided to show him I'm still invested in us by writing him a list. It was short, and simple. There were about 5 items on the list, three of which were: Stop at the store on the way home from my band rehearsal, be prepared for an in-depth conversation about what both of us need in order for things to get better between us, and put the two boxes I had packed for donation into car Monday night so he could drop them off for me Tuesday after work.

He did none of these.

I had the car on Monday, which meant that I picked him up from work, he dropped me off at rehearsal, and then he and the kids went to the park to eat the  picnic dinner I packed, and play until my rehearsal was over 90 minutes later. At that point, we were supposed to go grocery shopping. When they picked me up from rehearsal, knight headed for home. I reminded him that we needed to stop at the store first. He insisted he'd go after the kids were in bed so that I could go home. I told him I didn't want to go home. I wanted him stick to his list. He started insisting that band puts me into overload and that I should go home. I didn't want to get into a full out fight with the kids in the back seat, so I quietly told him that he was telling me what I want again, and that I wasn't happy. Then I didn't speak to him again. We got home, went through book time and kid bedtime routines. I still didn't say a word to him. After the kids went to bed, knight said he was going to the store, and asked me for a list. I gave him one only because I knew that without a shopping list from me, he'd have no idea what I needed from the store. I reminded him he was supposed to stop at the store on the way home, and that right now we were supposed to be discussing what each of us needs to improve things between us. Then, I went into the bedroom with my book, and ignored him until he left. He sent me several texts while he was gone, and I ignored all of them. He came home, put groceries away and came into the bedroom. By this time it was midnight, and I was ready for bed. I told him that our conversation would have to wait because he insisted of going to the store instead of doing what I asked of him. I reminded him he still hadn't finished his list, and then I went to bed.

The next morning, was a disaster. Knight tried to make coffee but the coffee pot cracked and spewed coffee grounds and coffee all over the counter. While he was making coffee, I was looking for a package of my asthma meds that I mislaid someplace.  I told him to keep an eye on the 14 yr old while he cleaned up the coffee mess he'd made. I was going out to the car to see if I'd left the med package in the car. I wasn't out side more than a minute when knight came out after me. His reasoning for ignoring my request? He was "helping."  I asked him where the 14 yr old was, and he said "At the kitchen table."  Now.. understand that we have a rule that says the 14 yr old must be supervised at all times. Without direct, eyes on, supervision he gets into trouble every time. His therapist and I have put together a plan to help him understand what is appropriate behavior and what isn't, but the beginning phase of this requires 100% eyes-on supervision 100% of the time. When I take a shower, go outside, use the bathroom, or anything else where I can't keep an eye on him,  the 14 yr old must take whatever he is doing to his bedroom. My knight just completely ignored that requirement, even after I handed the kid over to him. (which, I must add, I had to hear from the 14 yr old later that day.. "Why do I have to go into my room? Daddy didn't make me go in my room when he went outside this morning." The kid did do what he was told, but he tried to start a fight about it.)
When knight came out to the car, he moved the Amtgard weapons that I had just stacked up so I could look in the trunk. In the process he knocked over a few things, and made a mess. I asked him why he was outside. His answer was that he wanted to help. When I told him that I ASKED for his help.. I asked him to watch the 14 yr old while I searched the car, he just stood there.

Oh.. and he never did clean up the coffee mess. I had to crawl under the counter yesterday to clean it. Getting on the floor is incredibly difficult and painful for me because of the MS. There are not many things I can't do because of it, but there are a few things that are painful and difficult enough that I avoid them as often as I can. Getting up and down to the floor is one of those things. When I said something to him about leaving the mess he answered with, "Well, I had to get to work."  Um.. if you had cleaned it up instead of getting in my way in the car, you would have had plenty of time.

Then, when he finally left for work, he still did not take the boxes. I reminded him last night and this morning, and the damned boxes are STILL in our room, waiting to be carried to the car. I'll do it myself this evening, and drop them off after choir rehearsal.

We still haven't had our discussion about what each of us needs. I believe he's intentionally putting it off. He keeps telling me that he loves me, and wants things to work out between us, but obviously he's not willing to have the conversation that could help us both get what we need.

Now, I realize these are all little things. But, after awhile, the little things add up and when those little things become almost constant, and make more work for someone who is already trying to do the work of 3 people, then those little things become a big thing.

I made my displeasure known last night, and all he did was make excuses. He ignored my direction to go to the store after rehearsal because, he says, he was trying to take care of me. He got in my way looking for my meds in the car yesterday morning because he was, "worried and trying to help."  I asked him just exactly when he decided that he knows what I want/need from him better than I do.

I keep hoping things will change, that he'll start listening to, and paying attention to my wants and needs, instead of ignoring what I tell him and doing whatever the hell he wants (and then trying to blame me). But, hope is cheap, and I no longer believe he will make the changes needed for us to make this work. He still continues not to talk to me about his needs in this marriage, he continues not listening to what I have to say, and he continues to  ignore the lists (that he asked for), and the flr rules (that he ALSO asked for).

Sunday night when we went to bed, I had hope that things might improve between us. Now, that hope is gone. I'm trying to decide if it's better for the kids for us to separate now, or if we should stick it out until the youngest is high school/college age.




5 comments:

  1. Angelique,
    What can I say, life sucks.
    We will never meet in person, so all I can offer i, I think I understand, I know I care; and I wish you well.

    Have a hug from me, you deserve it.
    m

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  2. Whip him then whip him again. The application of physical pain by ones lover is so intimate but eventually it becomes a punishment.

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  3. Of course we only have your side of the story. But I have read your entire blog and it appears to me like knight is just being passive-aggressive about ending the marriage. He doesn't want to be with you and he does these things on purpose to get YOU to be the one to end the marriage. He doesn't have the fortitude to do it himself so he constantly goes against your wishes, doesn't help on purpose, avoids telling you his real feelings, not only doesn't help but intentionally sabotages plans that make your household run more smoothly, speaks to you badly...on and on and on, ad nauseam. No amount of talking/training/discipline is going to get this guy to WAKE UP. He intends to behave like this until you end things. You're just prolonging the inevitable at this point. So now, IMO, the question is this: what will make your home life better, having him around or not? Is it worth it to stay with him for the kids' sake if he will continue to not be helpful or engage the kids (which he will)? Only you can answer that question. I'm very sorry this is happening to you and my heart breaks for you.

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  4. Hello Angelique,

    You are in a tough spot, and I wish there was more I could do for you. I will genuinely pray for you, knight and family, that God will grant you strength, peace and hope; and help you through this tough time. I agree with Wifey in that your husband has some deeply-rooted passive-aggressive behavior that is sabotaging your marriage. Knight needs to iron out some issues from his past because they are dominating his present life. There are things you can do to help manage the situation, but he needs intervention much like an addict would. Here's one article on the matter: http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/living-with-a-passive-aggressive-man-11605623.html

    Knight is a smart guy. Perhaps the two of you can take on his passive-aggressive issues together, perhaps with some professional guidance. Knight will agree to a lot of things, but will continue to sabotage your relationship if you guys don't get to the root of the problem with professional help.

    Anyway, that's my humble and very uninformed take on the matter, dearest Angelique. You are a wise and beautiful woman whom I know will persvere.

    Hang in there!

    Scott

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