Saturday morning we talked about flr, our marriage, the lack of trust and lack of communication between my knight and I. It was a long and blunt conversation. I brought up specific instances of when he has caused me not to trust him - like a few weeks ago when my back out. He started to try and defend himself on that one, saying that I told him there was nothing he could do, so he left me alone. I told him I'm tired of listening to his excuses. He was wrong, and that's the end of it.
It came down to me telling him that we need to do something I should have done 10 years ago -- reteach everything he thinks he knows about relationships. Yes, we've been here before. I'm aware of that. I started to retrain him a couple months ago, and between the mess with my step-daughter and my step-son starting to show signs of mental illness as well, our world became too stressful, and I let the retraining slip. It was just too much. I had forgotten that I started this. I'm Her's reminded me in a comment he made last week. I know many of you think this should be easy, but with one seriously mentally ill child, and another with Autism who is showing signs of having developed the same mental illness his sister has, our life gets stressful. There are times when I simply can not handle one more thing. And when my knight becomes that "one more thing" I just don't have the energy to deal with it. Multiple Sclerosis will do that to you. Mine is under control, and I'm still healing. In fact, I'm in better health, and have fewer symptoms than I did 10 years ago--My natural protocols work-- but, I still have physical and mental exhaustion to cope with. When I'd "done", then I'm just "done" and can't do another thing. That is why so many things get dropped, or put off - I hit an exhaustion point, and simply can't. When my 14 yr old step-son is having difficulties, I am the one he comes to. We're close and he trusts me. That also means that if he has behavior issues, I am the one who deals with the situation. He's been having a lot of behavior issues lately, and it's exhausting. He's a good kid, don't get me wrong, but Autism, mental illness, and simply being a teenager is a difficult combination. We're lucky though. His mental illness concerns are much milder than his sister's, and he has a great therapist.
The point of all that is simple - I know I previously decided that I need to retrain my knight and that I dropped the ball. Now, I'm picking it back up.
In our conversation on Saturday, my knight told me he would do anything he had to in order to get us back on track. He hates the distance and lack of trust between us as much as I do. He wants desperately to fix it, but has absolutely no idea how. I told him that we are going to start from scratch and he's going to "unlearn and replace" almost everything he ever learned about relationships. I reminded him that his ex taught him a lot of things that were simply fucked up, and that I should have started re-teaching him from the first day we moved in together, instead of giving him the space to figure it out on his own. That was my mistake. His mistake has been not listening when I try to correct him, and arguing with me when I do correct him. As an example, I used his attempt at making the bed that same morning. When he made the bed Saturday morning, he didn't pull up and smooth the sheets first. He simply pulled our comforter up over the rumpled sheets. When I called him over and corrected him, he told me "That's the way I always do it."
I answered with, "Yes, and you always do it wrong. I didn't ask you how you always do it. I told you what I want you to do from now on. Now, do it my way, and stop arguing with me."
That exchange is what started our conversation on Saturday in the first place. I pointed out that he does that a lot. Not every time I correct him, but maybe every other time, and it's why I get frustrated and give up. I don't always have the energy to argue with him about simple things, and I expect him to be quiet and fix the mistake.
During this conversation, I decided he was getting his chastity device this morning. I sat there for a long time wondering what would happen when I have it to him. Would he argue with me? Would he refuse to wear it? Would it turn into an all- day fight? It took me 15 minutes to work up the nerve to do this. Finally I decided I would eliminate any possible argument by simply telling him to put it on, and walking out of the room. That would give him an opportunity to mentally adjust to the situation on his own.
When I was ready, I got up from our bed and said, "I am going out to make coffee. I want you to make me eggs with goat cheese for breakfast. But, before you do, go in my top drawer. You'll find a bag in there. We've talked about this before, so you should have been expecting this. Open the bag, put it on, lock it, and bring me the key. It might not fit, in fact, I've waited this long to give it to you because I'm pretty sure it's way too small. That's what I get for buying cheap. If it's too small, let me know, and I'll buy a name brand. I got this one, because I don't like the more popular model, and the one I like is over $300. So, I tried a cheap replica first. But, either way. Go get it, and if it fits, put it on and bring me the key. It's not a punishment, it's an experiment. I love you."
Yes, I'm long winded when I'm nervous. After I'd finished, I walked out of our bedroom. He came out about 15 minutes late, and sat down on the couch. I went over and gave him a kiss, and then asked him to make my breakfast, which he did. He was uncharacteristically quiet and reserved. He seemed to be upset, but when I asked him what was wrong, he told me nothing was wrong. After my breakfast was made, we sat on the couch together while I ate. I sat so that my legs were across his lap, like I always do.
Very quietly he said, "It didn't fit."
"I didn't think it would," I told him. "I'll order one of the more popular models, that I know will fit. I was trying not to spend any significant amount of money on an experiment."
He was still very quiet, almost like a child who has been punished. It took him a long time to get himself back to normal. In fact he was "off" all day on Saturday. I tried to talk to him several times, but he kept telling me he was fine.
We haven't had time to really talk about how he felt Saturday morning. Saturday was stupid busy with a Costco trip, egg coloring, and preparing for a family trip on Sunday. (we took the kids to see their first cave, and play on a zip line obstacle course for Easter) By the time we had time alone on Saturday it was after midnight, and we knew we were getting up at 5:30am for the trip, so we went straight to bed. Obviously, on Sunday there was no time to talk. I have band practice tonight, but I'm hoping we can talk about it when I get home.
So, yes, I gave him the device, but it didn't fit. I can't tell if he's disappointed or relieved, or a bit of both, but the experience obviously had and effect on him.