Friday, April 10, 2015

An Update:

I'm posting an email exchange between knight and I. This happened yesterday. Why am I posting it here? Mostly so it doesn't get lost in my archived emails, and partly so that I have all my thoughts in one place.

I took knight into work yesterday because I wanted the car. We didn't speak two words to each other before we left the house. Nor did we talk during the 35 minute drive. When he got to work, he sent me this:

Love you babe--- ...just that.  I love you.

I responded
odd way of showing it.

And then:
ya know... you had the chance to show me that doing something together, without the kids, was important to you.. that you took me seriously when I told you we need go out occasionally, and that I never get to do anything fun.   

But..............you didn't. You dropped the ball, and didn't call (the babysitter) , like I asked you to. This is the SECOND time you've screwed this up in the last month.

I won't ask anymore. I am going out on Saturday, but not with you. You can stay home with (the 14 yr old) .  And, from now on, if I want to go out and do something, I'll just go do it and leave you home with (the 14 yr old) . I'm not even going to ask you anymore. I'm done giving you the chance to disappoint me, and show me how little I mean to you. I can't continue to allow myself to be open to that kind of hurt. I cried almost the whole way home because you didn't think enough of me.. of US, to call the freaking babysitter and see if she was available.  You have no reasonable excuse. I mentioned it on SUNDAY on the way home from (the family trip). I reminded you on Tuesday. It's now Thursday, and it remains undone.   Don't bother now- it's too late. Your actions (lack of action) has shown me (again) where I stand with you.   I'll go out alone and have fun

He answered:
...that's what the lists are for, babe...to counter my absent-mindedness.  If it's not on that list, then it drops off my radar--I've got too many things all going on at once, and I lose track.  I know this.  *We* know this.

*sigh*

...if you want to go out, babe, go ahead.  I'm not stopping you.  I love you.

My response:
Nope. The FIRST time you were supposed to call (babysitter) (zoo trip), it WAS on your list.. every day for a freaking WEEK. You did not bother.

This week.. I told you to put it on your list. AND I reminded you. You did not do it, even though yesterday you told me, "right, I'll do it today."  Still remains undone.

You forget something.. they are YOUR lists. Not mine.. therefore, Not really my responsibility. You don't appreciate them............hell, you can't even be bothered to say "thank you" for the time I take the write the stupid things. They go mostly ignored, completely unappreciated, and when I remind you to go over your list with me at the end of the day, you get defensive and irritated, so why should I bother. It's 
not worth the hassle, the fight or the stress. 

I am going out this Saturday without you. I don't need your permission, I didn't ask for your permission. Quite frankly, I'll go out without you on Saturday whether you like it or not. 

I'm done allowing your inconsiderate, hurtful behavior to effect me, and the kids. I'm done allowing you to make excuses for your actions. I'm done opening myself up to you only to be ignored, put off, and treated like I don't matter to you. I'm done asking  you to show me that you care about us.. I'm done giving and suggesting ways you can show me that I matter to you, only be be disappointed when you don't bother. I'm done taking your feelings into consideration at the expense of my own. I'm done crying because, once again, you've blown off something that was important to me, or otherwise shown me that I don't matter in your world. I'm done making excuses for your hurtful behavior to the kids. I'm done hoping things will change, and you'll suddenly be considerate, caring and open. I'm done trying to force my way through your walls.

I warned you for years that it would come to this.. that your inconsiderate actions, lack of attention to emotions and the romantic side of things, lack of attention to details, and inability to keep your word  were going to push me to lose all trust for you, and at that point, I would simply stop trying. We've hit that point. You have no understanding of the depth of my emotions or ability to care about somebody. I told you from the start that if you didn't take care of the romantic in me that you'd lose me completely. I'm a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.. it's taken about double the time I expected it to take. But.........I'm there. 

Is it fixable? Hell if I know. From your past actions, I'd say probably not because it would require you to do things that you have not even done ONCE it all the time we've been together.And I don't think you'll bother.

I won't tear the kids apart. A divorce would be hard enough on the kids, but if we separated they would lose siblings. I won't do that to them. However, all those things that have really upset me over the years, all the times you've left me in tears and feeling completely alone have ruined us. All the times you left me to deal with the hard stuff, while you put your head in the sand and pretended everything was fine have taught me that I can't trust you. All the times that you've sat there and said and did nothing while I was upset, feeling overwhelmed and alone, and told you exactly how you hurt me have taught me that sharing my feelings with you is stupid, you will do nothing. 
He answered:
 I was not giving permission.

I always appreciated the lists.

I am not inconsiderate, or hurtful.  I will admit to absentmindedness.

I love you.
My response:
..........and that is why our marriage is most likely ending. You have not listened to a word I said. you ARE inconsiderate and hurtful. To me, and to the kids. You blow us off all the time. You don't listen when we talk to you. How many times have you told (my 12 yr old), "not now J" when he wanted to do something with you. And then you wonder why he doesn't heed your advice, or listen when you talk to him. He treats you the same way you've always treated him.  (The 14 yr old) believes you don't care how he acts. He's told me this. He's told (his therapist)  this.  (Our 9 yr old)  feels like you don't like to play with her and do things with her. She's told me this. I feel like you'd rather be anywhere else than with us. I feel like you don't give a damn about me.  I've told you I feel that way. I've told you how to avoid coming across that way, and you refuse. If that doesn't illustrate inconsiderate and hurtful, nothing does. 

Once again, I've told you exactly how I feel. 

And you've told me that I'm wrong. 


Meanwhile, I have changed so much of who I was, and learned to hide so much of myself in order to avoid being hurt again because you have absolutely no consideration for my needs. No consideration for me, no recognition of me as a woman.. hell, you don't even KNOW me anymore. And, you don't want to. I  even had to give up being a hopeless romantic  because you couldn't be bothered to pay attention to that. I gave up dreaming, hell, I've given up writing because I can't do everything, and something had to give, and you don't help out. 

why am I even bothering? You refuse to admit or even look at the hurt you've caused me. I keep trying to talk to you.. hoping you'll listen, and care enough to change things. But.......you don't want to take any responsibility for your actions. There's always a "reason" and excuse.......it's always somebody or something else's fault. 

Except it's not. YOU did these things. You have made me feel this way. Nobody else. You. Be being selfish, inconsiderate and hurtful. You don't care about our marriage.. If you did, you'd SHOW it. And you don't -- haven't for a very, very long time.  

He never did answer this, nor did he bother to answer 4 other email that were all kid related. Later yesterday afternoon, I dropped something off at his office for the CEO of the company. I called knight when I pulled into the parking lot. When he came down, he asked why I called instead of emailing or texting like I usually do. I told him I called because he has not been answering emails, and I didn't feel like sitting in the parking lot until he got around to checking his email.  When he got upstairs to his office he sent me a text saying he had not answered because he had no idea what to say.

At least that was most likely an honest response.

Last night, after the kids were in bed, I tried to talk to him. To find out what he's thinking, and if there is any point in me putting any more energy and effort into this marriage, or if I should just cut my losses, and plan on being alone. I got a lot of silence, tears, and no real answers. He insisted he's doing his best, but at the same time denied being difficult and hurtful.

This morning when we got up, he started my coffee, took his supplements, and hung around where I was, trying to be helpful. When it was time for him to leave for work, he came over and gave me a kiss on the shoulder. Said, "I love you" and left for work. He's trying his level best to pretend everything is fine. It's not.

On Wednesday, I told him I would not write anymore lists for him, because of his lack of appreciation for them. (He doesn't even bother to say "thank you" most of the time.)

3 comments:

  1. To me it seems your knight needs professional help. I am sorry for both of you.

    Hugs,

    appy

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    Replies
    1. Appy, I've suggested he see a therapist multiple times over the last 10 years. He's always refused. And, I don't blame him. He's had some pretty bad experiences with therapists. Both his ex wife, and my stepdaughter have had some really lousy therapists and psychiatrists over the years.

      Delete
  2. I am apologizing in advance if I am projecting my stuff on you...)

    To me, it looks like you are doing too much. You are trying to hard. You have your mind set on making him talk to you, but the more pressure you put him under, the more he is going to resist. He is no imbecile. He is capable of having a job and being around people. He knows how to behave and what to say to people. So, if he is not doing it to you, it is not because he is not capable of expressing himself but it is because he is unwilling.

    Let me be devils advocate here for a moment: he is opening up to you. You even mentioned tears. And he is sending you text messages saying "I love you". He is trying to understand you. In his way of thinking he is probably opening up to you more than he usually does. His MO obviously is different than yours. You tend to talk about stuff and he tends to withdraw himself.

    So why do you expect him to change here? Why is it so important for you that he tells you what he is feeling and thinking even if he does not want to? I mean: coming from the idea that his MO is as valid as your way of dealing with things, why is it so important for you that he adapts to your mo?

    He probably does have no clear idea of how to "fix" things in the family and in the relationship. I think that if he has to have a more important role in it, it is necessary that he makes mistakes and fails and tries again.

    he is hiding behind you and the lists etc e.g. "...that's what the lists are for, babe...to counter my absent-mindedness. If it's not on that list, then it drops off my radar--I've got too many things all going on at once, and I lose track. I know this. *We* know this."

    he is playing the little boy card here. "I just cannot do it. You can do it better than I do. You know how I am. "yadda yadda yadda

    I think you have to step back a bit for him to step up a bit.

    Believe in him. And let him make his mistakes. :-)


    ReplyDelete