Incentive..

Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good, but I'm too much of a chicken to get my nipple pierced. I've thought about it but it's not happening. Before our youngest was born, I sometimes wore nipple jewelry that was a"fake piercing".  Knight had fun with that..

He's been putting off a project at work, so I offered a bit of incentive. 

This morning I did a quick search for fake nipple piercing and I found some on  Etsy, of all places. 

I told knight that if he got his lagging work project done by July 3, I'd let him help me pick out a couple of pieces. 

Here are some of the styles I'm thinking about. 

                                                                                       

What Do *I* Need?

Lately -- probably for the past year or so..our "slips" away from strict flr have been my fault, and I need to find a solution.

After knight's dad unexpectedly died earlier this year, I took over *everything* including telling him when to eat and shower. He was devastated and truly needed moment-by-moment management to get through. I even continued that level of control while we were with his family for the funeral. Knight didn't object to me giving him instructions in front of his family, and even came to me for instructions repeatedly while we were there. I decided when he was ready to go back to work, and I kept his supervisor and HR department informed on what was going on. I stepped in and managed absolutely everything in his world for three months.  Interestingly, my knight said that level of control from me was comforting. He told me  that in spite of the circumstances that brought on that level of absolute control, he enjoyed it.  He responded to it emotionally, by opening up and talking to me. In those three months, we talked about things that we'd never discussed in 13 years. It sounds insensitive, but we were closer in the two months after Knight's dad died than we've been ....ever. 

After about three months, I started to back off just a bit. He wasn't showing any signs of resisting, nor was he complaining about it. I simply thought that it was time for him to start making simple decisions for himself again. I started leaving it up to him as to WHEN he completed things.. His list of tasks didn't change. It simply became his responsibility (again) to decide when to do things. I stopped micro-managing every minute of every day.

We started having problems with him getting things done again. Not only at home, but also at work. For those three months I took total control, knight was able to stay caught up at work .. even though I was not managing his work time. But, when I backed off, he started falling behind at work again. I even caught him playing games on his phone frequently as a way to procrastinate.  

Hindsight... I just now, while writing this, understood that my mistake was backing off on that complete level of control/management. I should have continued. I stepped in and took over *everything* when his dad died. And I started slowly giving back some of that control after a few months because that's what *I* would have wanted. 

Ever since I gave back some level of planning and control we've been see-sawing between strict and not. When I'm strict, things go well, he stays caught up both at home, and at work. He seems happy and content. We're closer, he talks to me. And, when I back off, even just a little bit, he becomes distant, and seems sad. 

After a week or so of his distance, constant complaining and inability to get things done,  I get frustrated with him and become  super "strict" -- managing his routine, tasks, and activities completely for several weeks. It starts with me telling him that for the next few weeks he is to check-in with me before he does anything at all. During these times, I approve (or not) pretty much everything he does from the time he gets up until the time we go to bed. Knight cooperates with my request, and things go pretty well for those several weeks. There's almost no complaining on his part, and we seem to become closer. 

Then, when I think he's got a handle of things again,  I start letting him take back a little bit of control over his world. The constant check-in are no longer required. I stop telling him exactly what to do every minute of his day.

....and he falls behind again.

Same old damned hamster wheel we've been on for years., 

Okay..........so.. knight's actions, reactions, and emotional state tell me that I need to maintain tight control. That he needs, wants, responds to, and enjoys it when I maintain a tight control over him.

So.. then, why don't I do it?

My knight has a lot of things going on. We are dealing with his memory loss the best we can. It's taking it's toll on him, emotionally.  And.. he has demonstrated multiple times that my complete control, and my involvement in absolutely everything he does is comforting to him, and it helps him stay on track. 

So.. I guess the question I need to answer is this.. What's missing in our Flr for ME. What do *I* need that I'm not getting from the the arrangement? What am I trying to get from him when I back off, and start expecting him to manage his own minute-by-minute schedule again?  and.. How can I get what I'm looking for without backing away from the level of control he seems to thrive on? 

Good questions... Ones I need to answer. 

Back...

It's been about two years since I've posted here. Some things change.... most stay the same.

Last we talked, knight was having memory problems and we had no real idea why. Those memory problems were causing real trouble in our marriage. We were going back and forth about FLR, because he would tell me that he wanted FLR, but then would "forget" what he was supposed to do, would talk back constantly, and a couple times even forgot that he asked for FLR in the first place. I backed off of the FLR, and he became angry, upset, depressed, insisted that I didn't want him around. Talking revealed that he felt neglected because I had dropped the FLR aspect of our marriage. At those times he had no memory of asking me to back off.

We were on a constant roller coaster and I couldn't deal with it anymore.

 I put my foot down and told him that if he wanted to stay married he would go to a doctor and follow through on any and all diagnostic procedures. I told him that while he was under medical evaluation he would stick to the FLR.

He did both. In fact, he's been faithfully keeping medical appointments ever since. But, we're no closer to knowing what's going on, or understanding why he has memory loss than we were two years ago.  As for the FLR aspect, it's been off and on, but mostly on. For the past year, all slips toward 50/50 have been my doing, not his. In fact, over the past year, knight has been slowly and steadily asking me for more control, more direction and stronger leadership.

In the last two years, doctors have tested for, ruled out, prescribed medication for, and even flatly diagnosed multiple medical issues --- including:

Depression --knight is prone to episodes of depression. He does not want to take meds for it, and the doctors we've discussed it with agree he probably doesn't need medication. I'm aware that depression can cause memory loss, but after several consultations, the doctors don't believe that depression is causing Knight's memory loss. Therapist didn't think he needed weekly visits.

A variety of mental Illnesses ---He was evaluated for multiple mental illnesses, and all is good there.

Anxiety -Yes, he has some anxiety. Again, he doesn't want to take meds for it, and our doctors agree. They also say that knight's anxiety is not intense enough to cause memory loss.

Seizures --One of our local doctors insists that knight is having seizures. He made this diagnosis with absolutely NO brain wave testing. Doc claims (rightfully so) that atypical seizures are difficult to catch, even with a recent EEG. In order to make a solid DX, you have to "catch"  a seizure on a walking EEG machine. And, since atypical seizures are unpredictable, that's really difficult. This neurologist insisted on putting knight on Depakote. Knight was completely against taking the med, but I asked him to give it a one to two month trial period. He did. The Depakote made things worse.. not better. When we went back to the doctor for follow up, he insisted on doubling the dose. We got a second opinion because I very much disagreed with the seizure dx, and protested the idea of doubling the Depakote dose.  The second neurologist backed me up, and we stopped the drug completely. The second neurologist also disagrees with the idea of seizures.

Alzheimer's and several other forms of Dementia -- this was the scariest. We ended up in the emergency room because knight lost several days worth of time and became verbally combative with me. Something about his  actions, words and general demeanor made me nervous. I wasn't afraid of him, I was concerned that something was *really, seriously wrong* Sometimes you just instinctively KNOW that something is *wrong* Like that. I didn't know what else to do, so I convinced him to go to the ER with me.  The ER doc talked to us for about 10 minutes, and then told me that my husband has Alzheimer's. Then I was informed that Alzheimer's is not an emergency, and I had no reason to be in the ER.  They gave me a stack of info on Alzheimer's and wished me luck.  On the ER follow up with our regular doctor, I demanded both a CT scan and an MRI.  The tests ruled OUT Alzheimer's and several other forms of dementia.

Brain tumor --- MRI and CT scan ruled these out. There is nothing structurally wrong with his brain.

Nutritional Deficiencies -- Nope.. all mostly good there.

Infections --Blood work good.

Doctors have determined that there is no traceable medical reason why he is having these memory lapses.  However, two of the doctors involved in knight's care have SEEN and experienced knight having memory problems, and there is absolutely no doubt that it's happening.

His supervisor at work along with other employees have also experienced Knight's memory loss. It was effecting his work enough that he ended up having to confide in his immediate supervisor in order to avoid getting fired.

That left us with wondering.. what next.

My whole reason for insisting on medical evaluation was in the hopes that we would find an obvious medical cause for the memory loss, outbursts and personality changes. That didn't happen, and knight was getting tired of being a science experiment. When the MRI came back normal in January of this year, knight asked me if we could stop the medical appointments for a while.  Since we were no closer to an answer than we were when we started this, I agreed.

None of this has much to do with flr directly, until you consider all the issues he and I have had over the years.

More later..

Dr. Appointments....

I told Knight that in order for me to put any more energy or effort into our marriage he MUST:

• see a doctor to find out why he's having memory issues, and he MUST see that process to some sort of conclusion unless I tell him  otherwise
• take full responsibility for things he forgets, start keeping log of things he's forgotten and share that log with me so that I always have access to it.
• be *totally and completely* honest with me about everything AND 
• stop hiding things from me and understand that the stuff he feels he has to hide from me, is the stuff he NEEDS to tell me.
•  Start following the depression protocol I gave him-- no exceptions and no excuses.
• Agree to go to ER with me if I decided any memory lapse was worth the trip.
• Fully live our FLR lifestyle and stop trying to straddle the line. 
• Start showing appreciation for the many, many things I do for him.

that, if he did these things,  I would give him ONE more chance to make things right. IF he earned the right to a last chance, it would be on the condition that if he *ever* lied to me or hid *anything* from me *ever* again, I would tell him to leave without any discussion, and if he was not home when I discovered the dishonesty I wouldn't even allow him to come home from where ever he was. But as it stood last Monday, I really just wanted him to leave, and we were finished. I told him until he found a place to live he could either sleep in his son's room (the son is in residential treatment), or on the couch, but he was not welcome in my bedroom. And then I gave him a final move out date.

Well, it seems that a week sleeping alone,  looking for a place to live and packing has caused him to reevaluate his behaviors and his opinions. Since last Monday when I told him I wanted him to leave, he has been trying very hard to be a good submissive husband, with little to no encouragement from me.

Late last week he let me know that he scheduled a doctor's appointment for late September, and asked if I'd go with him. He's also admitted that maybe the depression and the memory loss could be connected. AND is making a solid effort to change the way he handles times when we bring it to his attention that he's forgotten something. He's admitted that his anxiety is causing problems between us and he needs help to manage it.

Sometime Friday he let me know, by his actions, that he understands he's been straddling the FLR line and making my world difficult and causing stress. While he didn't put it into words, he DID start behaving like *MY* submissive husband again. He was by no means "perfect" this weekend, but he did TRY, and that's all I've ever asked of him.

He's come clean about the things he was hiding from me over the last month or so, and why. He tried to apologize, but I told him that after the week before when he apologized and then repeated the action, I had no desire to listen to another meaningless apology. He makes it up to me by NEVER hiding anything from me again.

Saturday when our daughter pointed out something he'd said he'd help her with, but forgot, he started to try to cover it, but stopped himself mid-sentence. Instead he apologized to her for forgetting, and looked to me for permission to stop what we were doing and go do what he had told our daughter he would do. I gave that permission and the two of them went off of to complete the task. I had one very happy 10 yr old.

Saturday morning, he asked me what I wanted him to eat for breakfast, and asked what supplements he was supposed to take.  Same thing on Sunday.. This morning, I made his breakfast while he was in the shower because we got up late. He took his supplements before he left for work, and took his breakfast with him.

He put a lot of effort into US over the last week, and especially over the weekend. So, on Saturday night I invited him to sleep in my bedroom with me. I made it clear that he would be welcome only on a day-by-day basis, and that it would be determined by his behavior that day. If he screws up, he's back on the couch.

Sunday was good. We got up super late because we were talking. When we finally got out of bed, he made my coffee and his breakfast, and took his supplements without hassle. We went to fighter practice, and that went well. It was clear that he was paying attention to the things I had told him.  Last night when we got home from fighter practice, I pointed out that he had forgotten to do the dishes before we left. He got up and took care of it without a word of protest. (unusual. Typically he argues the point). Around 9, I told him to go take a hot shower and some Kava because his neck was tightened up so badly he could barely move his head. (from a hit he took at fighter practice earlier) he started to protest, but stopped, and went to do as he was told. Later, he thanked me and said it had helped a lot. 

This morning he didn't say "thank you" when I made his breakfast. I sent him an email a little while ago letting him know of his oversight. I told him that I will come up with a way for him to show me his appreciation tonight, since he was unappreciative this morning. He responded with an apology, and excuse about being brain fogged this morning.  I answered that I didn't want to hear his apology, OR his excuse.. he will make it up to me tonight. I won't tolerate rudeness.  I'll probably have him give me a full body massage until I fall asleep tonight. Yes, it's a pleasant "punishment" but.. at the same time,  full body massage until I fall asleep used to be a routine thing, and I'd like to bring it back.. so this is a good way to start to do that. I did tell him that the next time he "forgets" to say "thank you" the consequences won't be as pleasant.. I expect him to be polite..

How much hope do I have that this will continue, and we'll work things out??

Honestly, not much.

His actions over the last week fit pretty well into the pattern I've seen from him over the last few years.. he gets lazy and inattentive to me, the kids and our marriage. I try to get him back on track and finally get angry because all he does is make excuses and we start fighting about it. At some point, he stops fighting with me and gets back on track for awhile. He's on his "best behavior" for a month or three (if I'm lucky), and then things start to go downhill again. Repeat.

It's been going on for a few years now.. and I can't figure out why we see the decline in his behavior.  I have my suspicions.... I think it's his depression kicking in.. and he refuses to talk to me about what goes on his his head... BUT I'm not willing to continue the pattern.

Deep down, I hope we can work this out.. but so much of it depends on him following through with the doctor appointment, depression protocols and anything else that needs to happen in order to understand his memory lapses.

We'll see.

I Caught Him in Another Lie.

We're done... I'm done.

It was a small, ridiculous, pointless lie. He lied to me about something he did.. nothing major.. but, he apologized for it in the car yesterday morning as I dropped him off at work. Fifteen minutes later I walked into his office to bring hi something he'd forgotten,  and caught him doing the exact same thing he had just apologized to me for.

Talk about disrespectful.

Then, yesterday evening we were attending an event at his office. Dinner was being served outside, but it was really hot out, so I suggested we grab our plates and go eat in his office. When we got there, he sat down in front of his computer while I sat at a small table toward the back of the office. I waited... I told him that I thought he was going to come eat with me. He continued to mutter at his computer screen with his back to me. I waited for about 5 minutes before I got up and left. I went and found my son and ate with him instead. About 45 minutes later I went back into my husband's office to get the supplies I needed to set up an activity that I was scheduled to run. He was STILL at his desk, working on his project. Didn't even notice I'd left.

Yesterday's incidents were the last straws. I'm  done.

I'm concerned about how it's going to effect the kids, but the kids at home are 14-next month, and 10. So, I think they'll manage okay.. They will stay with me.

What I'm really worried about is how our separation will effect my step-son. He's 15 now, and still in a facility receiving intense therapy. He's almost ready to come home, and I'm deeply worried this might impact his therapy. He's doing so well lately. He and I are close, and it's going to hit him hard.

At the same time, I'm tired of being lied to about stupid things. And it makes me wonder what ELSE he's lying to me about.

I'm telling him tonight that I want him to move out.

We've had some good times.. raised some amazing kids together. The kids will continue to be amazing, and I will move on from this a better person.

Good Weekend

Nothing exciting to talk about this morning. Knight and I had a good weekend even though he ended up having to work stupid late Friday night. Then, he had to work on Saturday, too.

Friday night he emailed me and told me something major in the database he's building broke. He thought it was on the service provider end, and NOT something he did. But, he couldn't leave work until he proved that he was right. I  agreed with him and told him to go out and grab dinner and go back to work until it was figured out. He did. But, at 9 pm he still had not found the problem. He was getting upset and angry with it. I'm not a database geek, but I DO know my way around computers, and I do some programming.. and it seemed to me that the solution was right in front of him and he wasn't seeing it. So, I called my knight and told him to pack it up and come home. He could work on it from home on Saturday. He started to argue with me, but I didn't let him get more than 10 words out. I repeated that I wanted him to pack up his laptop and anything else he needed to work on this from home on Saturday, but that he was done for the night. At that point I told him I expected him to pull into our driveway in less than an hour/

He did.

Saturday morning, he wanted to get back to work, first thing, I told him no-- that's not what was happening. Then I told him exactly what I wanted from him. He did everything I asked of him without complaint.  Really what I was doing was intentionally keeping him from that project because I didn't think his head was clear yet.

Finally around 1 pm, I told him he had until 5 pm to fix what was broken.

He finished at 430.. put everything away and found me in the yard to let me know he was done, and ask me what I wanted him to do next.

Sunday was similar, with knight taking all his cues from me, and doing exactly what I wanted and asked for.  We're both starting to get back into the habit of having me be completely and firmly in control. He's less stressed, and better able to relax and enjoy his time with me and the kids.

Last Minute Plans

Knight didn't know it, but we had plans to go out and listen to live music tonight. Unfortunately those plans just got hosed by his job responsibilities. He and I have been trying to go out alone for over a month, and something keeps getting in the way. Usually when that happens we end up watching a movie on Netflix or something... I'm not much of a movie person, but it's easy and cheap, ya know.

However, tonight will be different. I was playing Words with Friends earlier today and my opponent played the word "erect". I just happened to have the letters for penis coming off the "e" in erect... and it just happened to be my highest scoring word. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I played it. (before 50 people tell me all the reasons why that was wrong.. let me say.. 1. I knew my opponent was a guy. 2. I know he's well over 40 3. He and I have played Words with Friends on and off for months, and he's played a few "interesting" words himself.. so, no, I don't feel bad about it.)

Anyway... that got me thinking.. knight and I have never played dirty Scrabble.. and considering how much Scrabble/Words With Friends/Word Chums we play, that's surprising.

Then I figured if I can get him to loosen up enough to play dirty Scrabble, then I *might* be able to get him to write erotica with me..

So, those are our plans for tonight.. Dirty Scrabble and an erotica round robin..

I sent him an email a few minutes ago. Here's an edited copy of it:


on your way  home, stop at the store.. 

pick up a replacement Scrabble game   either regular Scrabble or Super Scrabble.. I prefer Super Scrabble, but if they don't have it, just get regular. 

and maybe a small bottle of.. something alcoholic.. that we both like..  You pick... the idea here is to get you just drunk enough that you can play dirty Scrabble and do an erotica round robin with me tonight....................

Rules to Scrabble are as follows.. 

30 Extra points for sexually related words.... they don't have to be obvious, but if it's not obvious then you have to prove it.. 

sexually related words on a bonus tile of any type get the extra points, board given bonus, and 1 minute of the "favor" of the players choice. 

If you swap tiles, or pass your turn, you lose an article of clothing.

If you win, you get to pick and download a sexy movie for us to watch tomorrow night.. (if you win, I'll give you guidelines, and maybe even a list of suggestions to choose from, so you don't have to worry about picking something I'll hate.)

If I win, you have to EITHER: complete at least one erotic short story round robin with me -- without the benefit of alcohol..(in addition to the one we're doing tonight),  OR Read the erotic story/book of my choice out loud to me over the course of a few nights.

also... the winner of the Scrabble game gets to START tonight's erotic round robin story... 

rules for the erotic round robin?  There are none... anything goes.... 

THAT is what we are doing tonight..