When I Question FLR, I Need to Read This

In a comment on my last post, Robert_Anthony talked about holding doors and putting on his Mistress' shoes for her.  It made me realize that I'm really NOT doing this "to" my knight..I really and truly doing this FOR him.. for us, and I need to embrace our flr fully and stop being concerned with knight's reactions, or whether or not I've "forced" him into the FLR.

How'd I get here? It was the shoe thing. Knight has dropped to his knees in front of me more than once in order to put my shoes on for me. Once we were at home with only our kids to see it, but another time we were at a friend's house or something.. or maybe we were at home and had people over. Honestly, I don't remember the details. I just remember knight getting on his knees in front of me. I was holding our infant daughter, on second thought, I think I was pregnant with our daughter. He positioned himself so I could use his shoulder for balance as he put my shoes on for me one by one. I remember it because it was early-ish in our relationship - we weren't married yet, and it struck me as odd, but sweet. (Remember, this is several years before we even considered FLR)

My point is that knight didn't even think about it. It didn't phase him that there was an audience to his actions. He saw an opportunity to be helpful to me, and he took it. Nothing else mattered to him.  To me, it felt awkward and just a bit odd. Not quite embarrassing but I blushed just the same. I did not tell him not to do it again, but I didn't do anything to reinforce the behavior, either.

When he did the same thing at home,around the same time, I distinctly remember telling him I could do it myself.  Again.. this was years ago. That infant I was pregnant with celebrates her 9th birthday in a week.

As for opening doors.. my knight would get out of the car to open my door for me every single time, if I let him. Sometimes I do. Not often, though. I always have him close my door for me, but rarely do I give him time to open it. I should do that more, I do enjoy it.

When we were brand new, knight said "thank you" every time we had sex. I told him it was "odd" and told him to stop it. 

Again, I have to face the fact that knight DID try to ask me to allow him to submit to, and serve me. He didn't use words - he used actions. He didn't have the words.. this is just who he is. And I didn't understand. It seems to me that the issues we have now with FLR are, in a large part, my own doing. It felt uncomfortable to me to be pampered. I'd never been pampered before. I was taught to be strong. To do things for myself. That not being able to do a thing for myself was a weakness. And, you NEVER show weakness. To allow a man to do a task for you that you can do yourself was to take advantage of him and be a prissy, flaming bitch. Granted, I was a child a long time ago (I am 44), but old habits die hard. I've always been strong and independent. Experience taught me that a guy who didn't want to make the decisions, didn't want to "be in charge", was a guy who really didn't care either way. So, when knight tried to defer to me, I misunderstood. For years, I misunderstood. Again, he tried to explain, but couldn't find words that I understood. Same with his lists and routines. He asked me for these things for years.. I took at as "too lazy to see what needs doing" In fact, he needed my guidance because he did see the 100 things that needed doing in that moment. But, his focus was on fulfilling MY priorities, not his own. And without my guidance he had no clue what was most important to me. So, he did nothing.

I started to understand these things a few years ago, when I popped some of his words into Google in an attempt to understand his thinking, and save our marriage. That's how I found FLR.

I'm still trying to understand.

How many of today's FLR problems were caused by my actions all those years ago? If I had been able to understand what he was trying to tell me, how would things be different now?

I guess that doesn't matter. What matters is what I do from here out. FLR has been a struggle for us... for me. It still feels foreign to me to allow myself to be pampered and taken care of. After these couple years it still feels bitchy for me to tell knight what he can and can't do, impose rules, and punish him for not meeting expectations.

But... I need to get the hell over that, and embrace it. Our marriage thrives when I am a strong leader. A leader.. Leads, gives direction, rewards good behavior, and exceptional actions, hands out consequences for not meeting expectations, and gives those she leads the opportunity to excel.

THAT is what I'm doing here.. giving knight the opportunity to excel and feel contented in his role, by accepting  and using his natural tendencies.

When I question our role.. when I feel that I'm forcing FLR on to knight, I need to remember that no, I am doing this to help him be the best HIM possible.

And.. We're Back

.... again.

A few days after my last post knight was having some difficulties with accepting his place as my submissive. He wasn't being defiant, but he was questioning his desire to maintain a power dynamic. Nothing, major,  maybe it was a mild depression, maybe one of the more dominant guys he works with said something completely unrelated that put him off, maybe a random thought about his ex wife made him reconsider, heck it could have been a random dream. I'll probably never know. The result of this was that he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to continue the FLR. I took that to mean he wanted to stop the dominant/submissive dynamic and go back to a 50/50(Ish) arrangement. I told him I thought it was a bad idea, but that I'd respect his request. So, I started including him in decisions, letting him decide what we did in the evenings, letting him find, and plan his own writing time, and basically moving toward a more equal distribution of power and responsibilities.

Can you guess how that went?   Within two weeks he and I were arguing because he was forgetting and messing up things left and right. By week 3, knight was in obviously depressed. By week 4 the kids were angry with him for not following through. In short, everything went to hell.  During week 6, I pointed out to him that things went bad shortly after he decided to stop the FLR. By some great exercise of self control I didn't suggest a return to the power dynamic. I had decided that if we resumed FLR, it would be because knight
asked for it. I'm tired of the back and forth.. I needed him to see and understand that we do FLR for HIM... not for me. So, I simply let my words hang in the air. Knight ignored them.

Things got worse. By this time we were sleeping on complete opposite sides of the bed, and I think he even spent a night on the couch because I was so angry with him. My son (12) started making comments like "No, I didn't ask dad for help, he can't be bothered to help us any more." I don't allow the kids to be at all disrespectful of either of us, he was right. I could see how the kids felt dad was no longer paying attention to them. He'd checked out on us emotionally. Sure, he was physically here, and he still did basic things with the kids, like read bedtime book each night. But, emotionally, he was somewhere else. If I wasn't absolutely sure where he was every minute of every day, I would have suspected an affair, but I knew that wasn't it.

It came to a final blow up 2 weeks ago. My step-son is 13 and has Autism and PTSD. He's been having some serious behavior problems and I've been dealing with everything alone because knight has been so distant.  One evening before bed, I told knight I needed a break from The Kid because the stress of his constant behaviors was getting to me.  Knight said nothing. He just sat there. I gave him 5 minutes or so, and then repeated myself.

He answered with "What do you want me to do about it?"

I looked at him, "What do you mean by that? I want you to pick up the slack, and help me with The Kid, and all the stuff I'm not getting done because of the sheer amount of supervision he needs right now."

"I'm at work all day. Besides, it looks like you've got it all under control. Why don't you have the other two help out more?" He told me.

"It's not their job to take care of their brother. It's yours. He's your son. I need your help, " I said.

Knight said nothing for for the next 30 minutes. In fact, he took so long to answer me that we both fell asleep. Nothing changed.

Needless to say, I was incredibly hurt and angry that he had reacted that way when I asked for his help. It's been a major issue between us ever since. Yesterday, he and I were outside, I asked him if this was going to be our new normal; if he was happy with the way things had developed over the last couple months.

He looked at me utterly surprised. "Of course not. This is what you want."

Huh? I asked him how he figured that, and he told me that I had stopped writing his daily lists, stopped keeping track of what he was supposed to do, and I'd stopped "giving" him writing time.

"Well.. of course I stopped those things. You asked to stop the FLR.That means you're responsible for keeping track of your own crap. It's not my job any more."

"But.. "

"No buts," I told him, "You asked to stop the FLR dynamic, by definition that puts you back in charge of your own day, and your won time. You have to make decisions for yourself now. It's what you wanted, and what I gave you."

"You stopped those things, and I thought you were mad at me," he said.

"Why? because I gave you what you asked for? Because I respected you when you asked for a more even power dynamic? Because you asked me to drop the FLR aspect, and I did what you asked.. just like I promised? That makes no sense."

We spent the next couple hours talking on and off, between kid requests and other things.

Finally, knight asked me if we could, please, go back to FLR.

I told him that I would only go back to it if he could admit that we operate under FLR because he needs it. In the past he's always said that he follows FLR because it makes ME happy.  It doesn't. FLR doesn't make me unhappy.. but I don't need to be his dominant in order to be happy, content and fulfilled in our marriage. He FINALLY admitted that being submissive to me pushes some sort of emotional button in him, and just makes things work. First he tried to tell me that it was an "us" thing.. that "it" (meaning d/s) only works for us because of the people we are. I told him that I believe he'd be this way.. need this.. from any one he's with, and pointed out just how much he let his ex wife run things, even though she was seriously mentally ill and had no business being in control of anything.  "yeah.. I see your point," he said.

He's finally admitted that he gets something emotionally from our FLR dynamic... that he needs it to be happy. He's finally seen what I see.. that his attitudes about everything change when I am not being dominant. He was finally able to see that it's not me who changes when we take these FLR breaks. HE is the one who changes.


Over the course of the evening knight's attitude started to shift. The anger started to fade away, he closed the distance he'd created between us. He started to become my sweet knight again. I've missed him.

We have a lot of work ahead of us.. a lot of rebuilding to do. It bothers knight that he doesn't understand why this works for him. He made the comment to me that "I'm enough like you that this shouldn't work. I should hate it."   But, he doesn't. I thrives under my control.  He asked me if the tables were turned, if I'd agree to such an arrangement. My answer was "Oh.. HELL no. If you had suggested I become submissive to you, I would have left. No question, we would have been over."

Then I pointed out that I didn't pull this out of the air. I pulled it from his words in our journal. I told him things would have been so much easier if he'd simply asked me for FLR, instead of making me figure out what he wanted.

His answer? "I tried. You fought the idea."

See the confusion there? In one breath he says "I should hate this" in the next he says "I tried to ask you for it"

What I Enjoy About Our FLR

I started writing this in response to a comment someone left on the blog, but then I realized it should be a post of its own.

When I started our flr  12...maybe 15 months ago.. I did it out of desperation to save our marriage. I looked through an on-line journal my Knight and I used to discuss sensitive emotional topics and I found that one thing remained constant over the previous 5 years or so: He was always asking me to tell him what I wanted from him. He wanted me to write lists, to define his role in my life.  A few times the topic of D/s came up, and he completely denied that was what he wanted. At the same time, he would repeat the request that I manage his time, tasks and activities.  I went looking for a way to bring up the D/s dynamic with him one last time...I spent several hours researching, reading, learning about FLR, personality types and many other things in one last ditch effort to end the constant bickering, resentment and anger without filing for divorce.

I did it out of necessity - I never expected to enjoy it.

But.. I do enjoy it.

It's not the submission that I enjoy.. not exactly. What I love is the person he becomes when I actively lead.

When I don't actively lead him, my Knight is unsure of himself, easily rattled and moody.  He never seems to know what to do at any given moment. He has 10 projects going around the house, and none of them EVER get done. (no. I am not exaggerating here.)   He's scatterbrained, anxious and underfoot. LOL.. Underfoot because he is trying so hard to "please me" every single moment that he gets in the way... like a puppy following my every move, I end up tripping over him.  Don't get me wrong.. I appreciate that he is simply trying to do what he thinks I want done, but... most of the time he has no real  clue. When I don't lead sex is .... Okay..... but not great. I always feel like there's something missing... like he's only half there.


When I actively lead my Knight his whole outlook seems to change - he becomes more confident in everything he does. That confidence even carries over to his work and his writing.  He stresses and worries less, he is less moody, and almost nothing rattles him. When I lead him, my Knight is much less forgetful. His projects get finished.  When I lead, my Knight knows exactly what he can do to "please me" and so he doesn't follow me around like a lost pup.  My Knight is always attentive to me, whether I'm leading or not. But, when I lead those attentions are more focused.. more.. purposeful. He doesn't sit in front of me waiting for me to reach for a cup, start a chore, or move something.  When I actively lead, my Knight knows I will ask him to do that chore, make that tea or ..whatever. He doesn't have to wait for the chance to jump in and do it for me. I will find tasks for him to do for me. When I lead,, sex with my Knight changes. He is totally and completely focused on whatever we are doing. He cuddles more, he seems less hesitant to make his wants known. We are closer.

Doing things for me makes my Knight happy. Somehow.. doing things for me gives him focus and purpose. I don't understand it.. but that seems to be the way he works. When I don't actively lead him, my Knight becomes preoccupied with figuring out what he can do for me next.. so preoccupied, in fact that he can barely concentrate on anything else.  The lack of directions seems to send him into a depression.

When I give all that energy some direction my Knight is a totally different guy.  I love how confident he becomes when I lead him.  I love that all it takes is a couple words from me for him to stop stressing let go of the worry. It doesn't matter what he's worried about... just a simple reminder that I have it.. and that I want him to do X, Y or Z is enough for him to let go and relax. When I lead my Knight, he becomes my rock when things around us are hectic. His calm confidence is a source of strength for me. When I lead him, my Knight seems confident and secure in my love, and in his place in my life.

When I lead him, I love the intimacy of knowing I have caused these changes in my Knight.

I Love Tuesdays!

Today is my Knight's Friday. I get him all to myself for three days and two nights!


Before FLR I dreaded his days off. I knew we were going to argue and bicker all weekend and that I would spend all day Monday cleaning up the mess. Several times over the past 7 years I've suggested he find a weekend job so he'd be out of my hair.

Things are so much different since we started this journey. I enjoy and look forward to having him home now. We don't argue, I'm not frustrated or angry with him. His typical high strung personality has mellowed out and he seems content.

It's amazing to me how much of a difference simply taking control (acknowledging my control is more accurate) of my Knight's activities, tasks, and cock has made. Our conversations are even more intimate than they were. Before FLR I used to complain that he never talked to me about how he felt about things and didn't talk to me when he was upset. I felt like I was no more in the loop on his emotions than the cashier at the grocery store. Now my Knight talks to me about everything. He shares his feelings and most private thoughts with me willingly.. no prodding needed.

Over text earlier this week I said that I hope he realizes I have no intention of ever going back to 50/50. His answer? "Why the hell would I want to do that?"

An Apology

This morning, when my Knight came home from work, he looked exhausted. I settled the kids in their various homeschool assignments and told them I was going to go talk to Daddy for a minute. My Knight's eyes lit up when he heard me tell the kids. No matter how exhausted he is he never goes to bed until I tell him to, and I usually don't lie down with him because of the kids schedule.

We got into our bedroom. I had him strip and curl up around me with his head on my chest. He reached in my bra to grab a tit and played with my nipple like he always does while he falls asleep. While one hand rubbed his head and neck, the other gently played with his cock. I told him to relax and go to sleep. His breath on my tits sent shivers through me. But his contented sighs as he fell asleep in my arms made me feel incredibly protective over him. I am the only person in existence who has this effect on, and power over, him, and that's pretty damned special.

It's times like these when I really.. seriously regret all the pain I caused us by trying to shoehorn him into a "traditional" role. Even though he never said the words, hell, didn't really even realize himself that he wanted a FLR, he did drop lots and lots of hints from the day we met. I always assumed those sweet words were...just that - words. He was trying to put his entire world in my hands, dedicate himself entirely to me. And I told him to grow the fuck up and be a REAL partner, and stop acting like a helpless child. He told me that he wanted to pamper me like the queen that I am and I told him that was dumb, we should pamper each other. I got mad at him for not letting me do things for him because he felt he didn't deserve them. I even told him it was stupid to sometimes feel that he didn't deserve sex.  He told me that the reason for his existence was to fulfill my every desire and wish. I told him that was impossible. He asked me who I wanted him to be and I said he was being wishy-washy. He said his whole world fell apart when I was angry with him.. that he couldn't concentrate, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat.. couldn't function when I was upset with him. I told him that no one, including me should have that much power over him and he needed to grow a pair.

It's no wonder my sweet Knight felt like he could do nothing right. No wonder why he thought I was always angry and disappointed in him. He was trying to give me his world.. his every thought, his every action. And I was so caught up in my own strength and ideas of what a fair relationship was ,that I didn't understand his words were real, and that I my instance on 50/50 was hurting him. I didn't understand that we were arguing because he felt completely rejected by me.  I didn't understand that this was his way of expressing his love and devotion to me and our family.

I am sorry. After about 4 months of trying this "FLR thing" I see such a change in my Knight. He's more confident, content and just plain happier. I caused him so much pain -- caused us both a lot of pain and heartache because I didn't understand. Baby, I'm sorry.

Why queen and knight

When my husband and I first got together, he used to play around and tell me he was my knight and it was his duty and privilege to serve me.

Once he wrote me a beautiful poem about how the knight serves and honors his queen. In the poem it was obvious that I was the queen to whom the poem referred.

Wow.. I guess I should have taken the hint 8 years ago, huh? I could have saved us both a lot of pain and heartache if I had just honored his request to give him "more guidance" as he called it.

In the beginning ....

First, let me say that I love my husband. He is sweet, sensitive, strong, intelligent, and creative. If asked, he will tell anyone that he is completely devoted to me and our family.

But, if you had asked me 6 months ago if I was happy in my marriage I would have told you no. Absolutely NOT.  I was on the brink of leaving him and filing for divorce.

And, truth be told, he was not any happier than I was. We were arguing constantly, and although he understood most of why I was angry and frustrated with him, he said he didn't know how to fix it.

I began to see my husband as lazy, inconsiderate and someone who just did not care.  He insisted that was not the case, but actions show things words do not.


He was constantly promising to do things, and then "forgetting" The list of broken promises stretched back for years. He was forgetful: he even forgot to pay the electric bill, resulting in the power being shut off several times. He was distant with me and uninvolved with our kids. My husband looked like a man who simply did not care.

He always had between 5 and 10 unfinished projects going on. Some as small as putting away a ladder. Others were complex, like repairing the tile in the downstairs shower.  But, with all these projects in various stages, it never seemed as if he actually accomplished anything. 

Meanwhile, I felt stuck. I was caring for and homeschooling our 6 kids, doing all the housework, all the cooking, managing all the kid activities, plus working a full time job and a part time job from home.  I was running from 6 am until 1 am every day of the week trying to keep our family together. My husband seemed to thing that simply going to work every day was enough.



Finally one afternoon I had had it with him. I was done with the broken promises, forgotten tasks and doing everything myself. I told him we were done. I started looking for a home for myself and our children. In a final ditch effort to save our marriage, my husband resurrected a private on-line journal that we started several years ago as at way to discuss hot emotional topics without him getting defensive.

In tears, I read through 5+ years of conversations. It occurred to me that we had been having the exact same fight over and over again for years. It also occurred to me that my husband had been asking me to give him more direction in my expectations of him in every area of our life. There were several times in that journal where he flat out said, "I don't know what is most important. Can you give me a list?" 

I had always told him no.. to grow up and learn to assess each situation for the most important tasks and then go do them.

His response to that was always the same. He was clueless.

My ideas of a fair and balanced relationship required him to learn to look around and decide for himself what needed to be done. Whether we were talking about the housework, kids' needs, work goals or relationship goals, I expected him to understand the tasks needed at any given time.  The idea of telling him what needed done was a turn off to me. It was like treating him like a child.

And yet, my sweet husband would constantly make comments like "If you're not happy, I'm not doing my job." Or, "Seeing you happy is my sole mission in life." One time when I asked him to do me a favor his response was "I live to do things for you."

In my experience with men, comments like that were nothing more than sweet utterances designed to earn brownie points. Never had I met a man who was so devoted to his woman that he would willingly serve her.

As I re-read those 5 years of journal conversations I began to understand that this man, my husband, really and truly *meant* those things. That he craved direction from me. Not because he was incompetent and incapable, as I had come to believe, but because he truly, deeply wanted/needed to do only those things which made me happy. His entire self worth was wrapped around my contentedness with him as my husband. When he was unsure what I wanted him to do first, he became tense, stressed and unable to choose a path.

I started reading about female led relationships and what the men in those relationships got from the arrangement. As I read blogs and websites written by female led men I saw a lot of my husband in the words of those guys.  I decided to give this a try.


Without mentioning female led relationships I asked my husband if it would help if I gave him a daily task list. His relief was obvious. So, I started emailing him a list of items to do every morning and every afternoon.  To my surprise, he happily completed most of the items on the list. But, more importantly, our relationship changed. Our conversations became more intimate. He cuddled more. Before we would go weeks without even touching in passing. Now, he made it a point to sit next to me, to give me little kisses at random moments. We held hands more. He started opening up emotionally, sharing thoughts, dreams, goals, and fantasies more easily than he had in years. My husband was obviously less stressed, more relaxed, and happier than he had been in years. His mild depression seemed to fade within 2 weeks.

Our kids saw a difference, too. My husband played with them more, listened to them more closely and seemed to really enjoy just "being dad."

We evaluated the arrangement a month later. His take on it was that he no longer had to guess at what he needed to do each day. He no longer had to listen to his brain telling him to try to complete 50 things at once. My lists made it okay for him to focus on just one thing at a time. During the evaluation period, my husband asked me to continue taking the lead role in all areas of our life. He says he's happier than he ever has been. And as for me, I'm no  longer scoping out divorce lawyers.


I have to admit.. I still don't completely understand why he needs this from me. But, from talking to my husband and listening closely to his words and actions I do know that he is happier and more confident in our new arrangement.