Monday, August 8, 2016

Dr. Appointments....

I told Knight that in order for me to put any more energy or effort into our marriage he MUST:
  • see a doctor to find out why he's having memory issues, and he MUST see that process to some sort of conclusion unless I tell him  otherwise
  • take full responsibility for things he forgets, start keeping log of things he's forgotten and share that log with me so that I always have access to it.
  • be *totally and completely* honest with me about everything AND 
  • stop hiding things from me and understand that the stuff he feels he has to hide from me, is the stuff he NEEDS to tell me.
  •  Start following the depression protocol I gave him-- no exceptions and no excuses.
  • Agree to go to ER with me if I decided any memory lapse was worth the trip.
  • Fully live our FLR lifestyle and stop trying to straddle the line. 
  • Start showing appreciation for the many, many things I do for him.

that, if he did these things,  I would give him ONE more chance to make things right. IF he earned the right to a last chance, it would be on the condition that if he *ever* lied to me or hid *anything* from me *ever* again, I would tell him to leave without any discussion, and if he was not home when I discovered the dishonesty I wouldn't even allow him to come home from where ever he was. But as it stood last Monday, I really just wanted him to leave, and we were finished. I told him until he found a place to live he could either sleep in his son's room (the son is in residential treatment), or on the couch, but he was not welcome in my bedroom. And then I gave him a final move out date.

Well, it seems that a week sleeping alone,  looking for a place to live and packing has caused him to reevaluate his behaviors and his opinions. Since last Monday when I told him I wanted him to leave, he has been trying very hard to be a good submissive husband, with little to no encouragement from me.

Late last week he let me know that he scheduled a doctor's appointment for late September, and asked if I'd go with him. He's also admitted that maybe the depression and the memory loss could be connected. AND is making a solid effort to change the way he handles times when we bring it to his attention that he's forgotten something. He's admitted that his anxiety is causing problems between us and he needs help to manage it.

Sometime Friday he let me know, by his actions, that he understands he's been straddling the FLR line and making my world difficult and causing stress. While he didn't put it into words, he DID start behaving like *MY* submissive husband again. He was by no means "perfect" this weekend, but he did TRY, and that's all I've ever asked of him.

He's come clean about the things he was hiding from me over the last month or so, and why. He tried to apologize, but I told him that after the week before when he apologized and then repeated the action, I had no desire to listen to another meaningless apology. He makes it up to me by NEVER hiding anything from me again.

Saturday when our daughter pointed out something he'd said he'd help her with, but forgot, he started to try to cover it, but stopped himself mid-sentence. Instead he apologized to her for forgetting, and looked to me for permission to stop what we were doing and go do what he had told our daughter he would do. I gave that permission and the two of them went off of to complete the task. I had one very happy 10 yr old.

Saturday morning, he asked me what I wanted him to eat for breakfast, and asked what supplements he was supposed to take.  Same thing on Sunday.. This morning, I made his breakfast while he was in the shower because we got up late. He took his supplements before he left for work, and took his breakfast with him.

He put a lot of effort into US over the last week, and especially over the weekend. So, on Saturday night I invited him to sleep in my bedroom with me. I made it clear that he would be welcome only on a day-by-day basis, and that it would be determined by his behavior that day. If he screws up, he's back on the couch.

Sunday was good. We got up super late because we were talking. When we finally got out of bed, he made my coffee and his breakfast, and took his supplements without hassle. We went to fighter practice, and that went well. It was clear that he was paying attention to the things I had told him.  Last night when we got home from fighter practice, I pointed out that he had forgotten to do the dishes before we left. He got up and took care of it without a word of protest. (unusual. Typically he argues the point). Around 9, I told him to go take a hot shower and some Kava because his neck was tightened up so badly he could barely move his head. (from a hit he took at fighter practice earlier) he started to protest, but stopped, and went to do as he was told. Later, he thanked me and said it had helped a lot. 

This morning he didn't say "thank you" when I made his breakfast. I sent him an email a little while ago letting him know of his oversight. I told him that I will come up with a way for him to show me his appreciation tonight, since he was unappreciative this morning. He responded with an apology, and excuse about being brain fogged this morning.  I answered that I didn't want to hear his apology, OR his excuse.. he will make it up to me tonight. I won't tolerate rudeness.  I'll probably have him give me a full body massage until I fall asleep tonight. Yes, it's a pleasant "punishment" but.. at the same time,  full body massage until I fall asleep used to be a routine thing, and I'd like to bring it back.. so this is a good way to start to do that. I did tell him that the next time he "forgets" to say "thank you" the consequences won't be as pleasant.. I expect him to be polite..

How much hope do I have that this will continue, and we'll work things out??

Honestly, not much.

His actions over the last week fit pretty well into the pattern I've seen from him over the last few years.. he gets lazy and inattentive to me, the kids and our marriage. I try to get him back on track and finally get angry because all he does is make excuses and we start fighting about it. At some point, he stops fighting with me and gets back on track for awhile. He's on his "best behavior" for a month or three (if I'm lucky), and then things start to go downhill again. Repeat.

It's been going on for a few years now.. and I can't figure out why we see the decline in his behavior.  I have my suspicions.... I think it's his depression kicking in.. and he refuses to talk to me about what goes on his his head... BUT I'm not willing to continue the pattern.

Deep down, I hope we can work this out.. but so much of it depends on him following through with the doctor appointment, depression protocols and anything else that needs to happen in order to understand his memory lapses.

We'll see.

Friday, July 29, 2016

I Caught Him in Another Lie.

We're done... I'm done.

It was a small, ridiculous, pointless lie. He lied to me about something he did.. nothing major.. but, he apologized for it in the car yesterday morning as I dropped him off at work. Fifteen minutes later I walked into his office to bring hi something he'd forgotten,  and caught him doing the exact same thing he had just apologized to me for.

Talk about disrespectful.

Then, yesterday evening we were attending an event at his office. Dinner was being served outside, but it was really hot out, so I suggested we grab our plates and go eat in his office. When we got there, he sat down in front of his computer while I sat at a small table toward the back of the office. I waited... I told him that I thought he was going to come eat with me. He continued to mutter at his computer screen with his back to me. I waited for about 5 minutes before I got up and left. I went and found my son and ate with him instead. About 45 minutes later I went back into my husband's office to get the supplies I needed to set up an activity that I was scheduled to run. He was STILL at his desk, working on his project. Didn't even notice I'd left.

Yesterday's incidents were the last straws. I'm  done.

I'm concerned about how it's going to effect the kids, but the kids at home are 14-next month, and 10. So, I think they'll manage okay.. They will stay with me.

What I'm really worried about is how our separation will effect my step-son. He's 15 now, and still in a facility receiving intense therapy. He's almost ready to come home, and I'm deeply worried this might impact his therapy. He's doing so well lately. He and I are close, and it's going to hit him hard.

At the same time, I'm tired of being lied to about stupid things. And it makes me wonder what ELSE he's lying to me about.

I'm telling him tonight that I want him to move out.

We've had some good times.. raised some amazing kids together. The kids will continue to be amazing, and I will move on from this a better person.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Good Weekend

Nothing exciting to talk about this morning. Knight and I had a good weekend even though he ended up having to work stupid late Friday night. Then, he had to work on Saturday, too.

Friday night he emailed me and told me something major in the database he's building broke. He thought it was on the service provider end, and NOT something he did. But, he couldn't leave work until he proved that he was right. I  agreed with him and told him to go out and grab dinner and go back to work until it was figured out. He did. But, at 9 pm he still had not found the problem. He was getting upset and angry with it. I'm not a database geek, but I DO know my way around computers, and I do some programming.. and it seemed to me that the solution was right in front of him and he wasn't seeing it. So, I called my knight and told him to pack it up and come home. He could work on it from home on Saturday. He started to argue with me, but I didn't let him get more than 10 words out. I repeated that I wanted him to pack up his laptop and anything else he needed to work on this from home on Saturday, but that he was done for the night. At that point I told him I expected him to pull into our driveway in less than an hour/

He did.

Saturday morning, he wanted to get back to work, first thing, I told him no-- that's not what was happening. Then I told him exactly what I wanted from him. He did everything I asked of him without complaint.  Really what I was doing was intentionally keeping him from that project because I didn't think his head was clear yet.

Finally around 1 pm, I told him he had until 5 pm to fix what was broken.

He finished at 430.. put everything away and found me in the yard to let me know he was done, and ask me what I wanted him to do next.

Sunday was similar, with knight taking all his cues from me, and doing exactly what I wanted and asked for.  We're both starting to get back into the habit of having me be completely and firmly in control. He's less stressed, and better able to relax and enjoy his time with me and the kids.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Last Minute Plans

Knight didn't know it, but we had plans to go out and listen to live music tonight. Unfortunately those plans just got hosed by his job responsibilities. He and I have been trying to go out alone for over a month, and something keeps getting in the way. Usually when that happens we end up watching a movie on Netflix or something... I'm not much of a movie person, but it's easy and cheap, ya know.

However, tonight will be different. I was playing Words with Friends earlier today and my opponent played the word "erect". I just happened to have the letters for penis coming off the "e" in erect... and it just happened to be my highest scoring word. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I played it. (before 50 people tell me all the reasons why that was wrong.. let me say.. 1. I knew my opponent was a guy. 2. I know he's well over 40 3. He and I have played Words with Friends on and off for months, and he's played a few "interesting" words himself.. so, no, I don't feel bad about it.)

Anyway... that got me thinking.. knight and I have never played dirty Scrabble.. and considering how much Scrabble/Words With Friends/Word Chums we play, that's surprising.

Then I figured if I can get him to loosen up enough to play dirty Scrabble, then I *might* be able to get him to write erotica with me..

So, those are our plans for tonight.. Dirty Scrabble and an erotica round robin..

I sent him an email a few minutes ago. Here's an edited copy of it:

on your way  home, stop at the store.. 

pick up a replacement Scrabble game   either regular Scrabble or Super Scrabble.. I prefer Super Scrabble, but if they don't have it, just get regular. 

and maybe a small bottle of.. something alcoholic.. that we both like..  You pick... the idea here is to get you just drunk enough that you can play dirty Scrabble and do an erotica round robin with me tonight....................

Rules to Scrabble are as follows.. 

30 Extra points for sexually related words.... they don't have to be obvious, but if it's not obvious then you have to prove it.. 

sexually related words on a bonus tile of any type get the extra points, board given bonus, and 1 minute of the "favor" of the players choice. 

If you swap tiles, or pass your turn, you lose an article of clothing.

If you win, you get to pick and download a sexy movie for us to watch tomorrow night.. (if you win, I'll give you guidelines, and maybe even a list of suggestions to choose from, so you don't have to worry about picking something I'll hate.)

If I win, you have to EITHER: complete at least one erotic short story round robin with me -- without the benefit of alcohol..(in addition to the one we're doing tonight),  OR Read the erotic story/book of my choice out loud to me over the course of a few nights.

also... the winner of the Scrabble game gets to START tonight's erotic round robin story... 

rules for the erotic round robin?  There are none... anything goes.... 

THAT is what we are doing tonight.. 

Blogger... UGH

I've tried to leave replies to several comments but for some reason Blogger is arguing with me. It might be my browser (I'm beta testing for a new browser), so I'll log in with a more common browser and try again when I have time. That probably won't be until this afternoon or sometime tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

So.. This Happened Last Night

When I picked knight up from work yesterday evening,  I left the kids at home.

Knight came out to the car, put his laptop in the backseat and came around to open the driver's side door for me. 

Grabbing him by his tie and pulling him in for a kiss I told him, "I'm driving tonight." 

Knight gave me a confused look because I almost always have him drive, but he closed the driver side door, and got in the passenger seat.

As we got away from traffic and away from the busy part of the city, I told him to lean his seat back a bit, and unbutton/unzip his slacks. 

He froze.  (things you should know-- We drive a big SUV. We're high off the ground. Only semi trucks can see in our car, our windows are tinted, he works in a small town, we live 45 minutes away in an even smaller town. Even during rush hour, there isn't much traffic.)

"Two choices," I told him, "Either do it, or as soon as we get past this light, I will pull into the (nature preserve) parking lot, get out of this car, and do it for you." 

He undid his pants. 

Then, I told him to put his hand out. I had hidden a bottle of my homemade cinnamon massage oil in the driver's side door. I pulled that out now, and poured some into his hand. 

"Put on a show for me while we drive home. You're not allowed to come."

Again, my knight sat there with oil in his hand, not sure what to do. He was already starting to get hard. 

"Do I need to help you?" I asked him. Again, my knight sat there with oil in his hand, not sure what to do. He was already starting to get hard. 

He still sat there unmoving, but again, his quickly hardening cock gave away his thoughts. 

I reached over with my free hand to move his oil covered hand and help him get started. 

As we approached the stop light he started to cover up, and I told him not to. I wanted him to continue what he was doing. 

"You're fine. You don't need to worry about traffic, I've got it. The only thing you need to be concerned with right now, is what I want." 

For the next 30 minutes he stroked himself while I watched him out of the corner of my eye. Every so often I told him to take a break, speed up, lean up so I could see better, or otherwise change things up. 

As we came up on the center of town we live in, I considered telling him to cover up, but changed my mind. There was very little traffic on the road. I kept to the right lane so that if anyone passed us they would pass on my side. With the tinted windows nobody can see in. He was getting a little closer to orgasm than I wanted him, so I told him to stop. He obviously enjoyed riding through town with is cock hanging out. 

We got through town, and I made the turn on to the two lane road that leads to our turn off. Once we made that turn, I turned things up a bit. Since there was no traffic, I was able to lean over and stroke him. He leaned up and toward me so I could reach better. 

"I'm paying more attention to the road than I am you. Tell me if you get to close. I'm going to be pissed if you make a mess in the car," I told him. 

After a few minutes I told him to get back into his seat and do it himself.

About 3/4 of the way to our turn off there is an empty field. I pulled to the side of the road, and stopped the car. He watched, as I got out of the car, closed the driver's side door and came around to open the passenger door. I left the door open, and edged him for a minute. I left the passenger side door open as I walked back over to the driver's side. He didn't rush to close the door. I think he was to stunned to even think about it, but I knew there was nobody there. I got back in the car and told him to close his door. As we got back onto the road, I told him there was a towel in the glove box, it was time to get cleaned up and dressed. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2016


 This is an excerpt from this morning's entry to my private journal with a few changes for clarity and (of course) privacy. It's a lot of random thoughts about some of the things I've been talking about and dealing with...........

Things seem to be improving between knight and I. I’ve gone back to telling him, not asking, or even requesting. I’ve gone back to being authoritative and he is responding to it. He said the other day that he just wants “us” back. So, maybe he realizes this works. While we were emailing back and forth the other day I pointed out to him that the only time things were ever *really* good, as opposed to just "okay", was when I was firmly and completely in control of things. I told him I wanted that back, and he answered that email with “yes, I want US back” so maybe he gets it.

So far, over the last few days I’ve told him what time to leave work, and basically set his schedule. He seems… relieved. We’ve been closer.. More cuddly, and he’s been more… sweet and attentive than he’s been in months. Even though he’s stressed and worried about this project, he’s STILL being sweeter, and more considerate toward me AND the kids, than he’s been in months. He seems.. Calmer. Less antsy.. Less freaked out. I can deal with this. I've *missed* this.

Somebody on Qnk likened it to a parent/child relationship.. It’s not abusive when a parent sets strong limits for the child, it’s considered good parenting.

This morning it occurred to me that it’s like a manager/employee relationship. The manager assigns tasks, and handles the overall management of the workforce. He’s my workforce, and I’m his manager in all things. Simple.

...........Interesting thought. I got angry at knight one day for not taking control, and being in charge when I was in massive pain and NEEDED  him to take that control…  would it have been wrong or abusive of him to take control, and tell me to take kava?  No. It would not have been. In fact, after the situation was over I was upset with him for not taking that control when I needed him to.

So.. He needs me to take control on a daily basis. He’s more secure, happier, and feels loved when I manage things for him. It’s one of the ways he feels my love. He LIKES to feel me around him, in his world all the time, and starts feeling lost and unloved if I take that “wrap-around”  away. So.. Really by managing everything, oftentimes including his day, I am helping him to feel loved and cared for. Maybe it makes a little more sense now.. “Maybe”

Flr is something I do because I love him.. It’s something I do FOR him, not TO him. And that’s the difference. If he hated it, then it would be wrong.. But because he thrives on it, and my control helps him to feel loved, cared for, and wanted, that makes it okay. Important even.

I’ve seen a solid difference in him over the last couple days since I started managing his work time for him. I should have started this right after he started struggling with this project, last September. He was complaining a lot.. And maybe that was his way of asking for help? He’s not going to come out and just say “I need you to help me manage my time” and he’s not going ask if he can work overtime. I should have told him.. You are working until 7 tonight to get caught up on this project, instead of allowing him to struggle with managing work and home time-- and fall behind.

Maybe I’m slowly starting to get this?

So……THAT’s why he’s so upset and down on himself about writing time.. I have not specifically said .. “Go write” so he has not been taking dedicated time..  Just like going into to work for optional overtime, he’s not going to do it, or even ask for it .. He needs me to tell him to do it-- I have to assign and manage that for him.

I still don't understand all this.. You would think that after almost 5 years of flr that I would start to understand.. But — no. If he tried to tell me when I could write, and when I could work, and when I was doing X, or if he wanted full control over the bills, what and when I eat, or when and if we had sex, I would be unhappy and angry. I would feel like he was being an overbearing, over-controlling ass. But he is not me.. And being managed helps him know that I love him..THAT’s why he gets upset and depressed when I back off.. It’s why things get stupid when I back off.

Maybe I get it now..


Monday, June 13, 2016

Why I wonder.

In the previous post Wishful said he was glad I had seen the light. I started to reply, but it was a long reply, and I decided it would be better as a stand-alone post:

It's not really a matter of "seeing the light." Intellectually, I've known for years that the more dominant I am, the happier, more secure, and less stressed my knight is. He's a better husband, a better father, and we are as a couple.

The problems come in when I let myself be influenced by my own doubts, or my 20 yr old daughter.

As for my own doubts, when my knight starts to test the limits I usually back off and allow him to make more decisions,  and start asking his opinion more. Then I start feeling like it's "unfair" for me to always do what I want to, and I start doing things with his wants primarily in mind. After a few weeks of this, knight turns into a brat. We start arguing and things just go down hill fast.  I  start doubting because he is testing limits. In my head, if he really *wanted* me to be in charge of everything then he wouldn't push and test limits. That's something kids and teenagers do.. but when an almost 50 year old man agrees to submit to his wife in all things, I expect him to do just that I do not expect him to act like a teenager and push and test every freaking thing. He agreed to the terms, and I expect him to be an adult and keep his word. Period.

So, when he doesn't, I start to question things and back off. Intellectually, I mostly understand that's the wrong way to handle it. But, emotionally, I wonder if he is not so much testing limit's as trying to break through them, or trying to get me to stop controlling everything.

Sure, I've talked to him about it. He usually tell me he's fine, and that he doesn't understand why he did whatever it is that he did. Or, he explains why he did what he did. Then, I point out that I asked him to do X, and I had a solid reason for that request, and he's now screwed it up. Sometimes he apologizes (until next time), and sometimes he continues trying to explain himself until I finally tell him I've had enough.

This scenario has played itself out hundreds of times over the last several years. And, because it continues to happen, it makes me wonder if flr is really what he wants, or if he's humoring me to keep the peace, but secretly resents the whole thing.

Then there is my 20 yr old daughter. She is "kind of" aware of our arrangement. Both my adult daughters were still living at home when knight and I implemented the flr lifestyle. We tried to be discrete, but both girls noticed the change in the way we interacted with us. For one, there was significantly less arguing. My oldest girl asked me about it and I told her we'd come to the understanding that her step-dad functions better when he doesn't have to make decisions about what to do. I give him instructions. He follows them. End of discussion. My oldest was able to accept this, mainly because knight and I were getting along a lot better, and he seemed happy.

My second born, however (the current 20 yr old), was furious. She has very strong opinions about what is "fair." She's an "everybody should be treated exactly the same" kind of person. She doesn't believe people need different things. She accused me of being an over-controlling, abusive mega-bitch. Okay, so she didn't use those exact words, but she did say I was being super-controlling, unfair and mildly abusive to knight. Every time she heard me tell him to do something, she would answer with "He doesn't have to, if he doesn't want to." When knight got up to get my tea or make me a plate unasked, she told him, "You should make Mom do that herself." She told me that she thought I was taking advantage of knight and being completely unfair.   Once when knight wanted to go out with some guys from work, I privately told him he couldn't go because we already had family plans for the same day. When my second born realized that knight wasn't going, she made a snide remark. Knight came to my defense and told her that he didn't go because we already had plans, and those plans were more important than a work party. He was careful not to mention that I had told him not to go, but she gave me a hard time about it anyway. The flr aspect of my marriage become a sore spot between my daughter and I-- one that is still there, all these years later.

Now, really, my relationship with my husband is none of my daughter's business. The only exception to that would be if there was any *real* abuse going on. But, in her mind our arrangement is "unfair," and therefore "abusive."  So, she makes it her business. As recently as a week ago, she commented that I was being unfair to my knight. We were talking on video chat, and after awhile, knight got up from the couch and went into the kitchen to wash dinner dishes. Sundays are his night for dinner clean up, and he knows he has to have it done before I'm ready to go to bed. My knight continued to talk to my daughter while he did dishes. My son turned the laptop around to make it easier for knight to hear what DD2 was saying. While they were talking, DD2 sent me a text saying that I was being unfair for "making" knight do dishes while we were on the phone. I answered her text and told her that, actually he had planned on doing dishes while she talked to the kids and I because it was his night. She answered with "whatever, Mom. We all know he only does what you tell him because he's afraid of what will happen if he doesn't."

Now.. she's said that exact thing to me several times before. She's even gone so far to tell me that knight is afraid of me Once, she went as far as to compare me to knight's ex-wife.. When I told him she said that, he was very upset, and insisted that was not true.

But, still it's always in the back of my mind I always question. Before we started the flr lifestyle, my second daughter and I were very close. When she started noticing the outward signs of flr between knight and I, she decided I was being unfair, and mean to him, and became angry with me.

Again, she lives on the other side of the country. She's engaged, and planning to be married next summer. Personally, I don't think it will last. She refers to him as "lazy" and "unmotivated." She is always complaining that he won't help with housework, and works as little as possible. My daughter works 10+ hours a day and is attending college. She tells me that he insists on splitting bills down the middle. Recently she needed a co-signer for a student loan, and she asked her boyfriend to co-sign. He refused saying that he didn't think she needed to go to college. According to my daughter, he told her she has "the best job she's ever going to get" and that going to college was a complete waste of her time. She wants to be a pediatritian, and is currently in a pre-med program. When I asked her about all this in relation to their relationship she answered that she's not like me, she is not going to tell him what to do, or "make" him do anything he doesn't want to. If he doesn't want to wash dishes, clean up after himself, or fold laundry, she's not going make him.  She says she's perfectly happy with their relationship, and is looking forward tot he wedding.

So, she doesn't see the need to have any kind of authority in her marriage. She has based her opinions of how a marriage should look on her bio-fathers marriage. Her bio-father and his 2nd wife are Mormon, and live a very male dominated life. Frankly, as her mom, it makes me sad, and a bit afraid for her future. But, I've tried talking to her, and she has no desire to listen When knight or I have tried to point out that HE is happier when I arrange his schedule, and tell him which chores and tasks to complete (which is, of course, really the only parts of  our arrangement she can see), she  tells us both that she doesn't believe it. She even went so far as to tell my knight that he "just thinks" he's happier, but that she doesn't believe he actually is. Interestingly enough, she can't see that her dad and step-mom have exactly the same arrangement, but in reverse. Her dad makes all the decisions. For some reason, my daughter sees that as "okay" but sees it as "abusive" that I make all the decisions within my marriage.

She's my daughter. I love her to pieces, and I respect her opinions. I raised her to form her own opinions, to have an open mind, and do her own research, but to voice her opinions and stick by her values. And, that is exactly what she is doing. I'm proud of her for that.

But, her insistence that I'm being somehow abusive by controlling my knight's actions, and guiding him in the way I want him to be makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if knight secretly resents the arrangement and is simply going along with it in order to keep the peace.

When I think about that logically, it seems stupid. What person would go along with being told what to do; with having most of his/her daily decisions made for him/her if they didn't want to live that kind of life? But, of course the answer to that is a person unable to get out of an abusive relationship.

Which of, course makes me pause, and again, question myself. Which is why I continually get caught in this circle.

Am I over thinking things? Probably. But, I've seen abusive relationships. My father was an alcoholic when I was a child, and he was physically abusive toward my mother. He controlled everything. My parents divorced when I was 15-- my mother had no idea how to balance a checkbook. I had to teach her. She didn't know how to pay bills, or stick to a budget. My father gave her a set amount for grocery shopping each week, and that's what she had to spend. She had no say in how much money was spent, nor what it was spent on. She had no say in what went on in our house. Was it that way by her choice? The short answer to that is I don't know.

I do know that my father is a violent drunk, and he would come home sometime every Saturday, destroy the house, and beat the living fuck out of my mother while I hid in my room.

Trust me. This was NOT consensual.

So.. was his absolute control over my childhood home due to his abusive nature, or was it something my mother agreed to and wanted?

I'll never know.

They eventually remarried, and he STILL controls her actions. Hell, my mother had a full blown panic attack in my driveway because we had trouble getting a ball off of a trailer hitch. She was afraid of how he would react if she went home without the ball-thingy.  I had to order my mother into my car and get her away from the situation to get her to calm down. My adult daughter was able to fix whatever was stuck while I handled my mother. My father and I quit talking years ago.. and it wasn't until he got sick that she started talking to me again. When I stopped speaking to my father (because of his attempts to dictate how I raise my kids), he forbade her from speaking to me at all.

She's still not allowed to talk to me, but when he got sick she decided that he could no longer stop her. She calls me from the parking lot up the street, and sends me emails from the computer room in her apartment complex. She mails me letters when she's running errands. Because of her current actions, fears, and comments, I firmly believe my father has been abusive toward my mother for at least 45 years.

So.. for me.. the line between abuse and not abuse is a very important one. I have no desire to cause that kind of stress and anxiety in my knight. So when my daughter says she thinks my telling knight what to do is abusive, I listen.

And, my past makes it difficult for me to believe my knight when he tells me he wants me to be in control of everything.  Even with solid, visible evidence that he is happier this way, I always wonder.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

A Difficult Lesson

This is SUCH a difficult lesson for me-- Knight needs me to be firm, and unwavering in our FLR. When I waver, or back off to "give him space" things go to hell fairly quickly.  Yes, I've discussed this before, in fact, it's an on-going theme.

So, the question I need to ask myself is WHY am I so slow to learn this? I know my Knight thrives with me in firmly in charge of our daily activities. Heck, there have even been times that I have taken charge of his activities at work, telling him which part of a project to work on first, or what do accomplish during what part of his workday. Having me firmly in control helps him clear the random and destructive thoughts out of his head, it reduces the constant stress he feels at trying to make everyone happy, and it gives him a clear path to follow.

Again.. I know these things about him.

So, then,why is it do difficult for me to follow through and take that leading role in everything? I am a natural leader. I always have been the one in charge. I take charge of most situations and rarely defer to anyone. I've always been the woman in charge in social situations, work situations, etc. I'm the planner, and the person who motivates others to do their part.

So, then WHY do I struggle to maintain that role with my husband? Why to I waver, and start asking his opinions or giving him the opportunity to make some of these decisions himself? Thing always fall apart when I give him too much say in things, or too many decisions to make.

There's one main reason:

Sometimes I feel like not giving my knight a say in things is somehow abusive. I have ended otherwise good relationships with guys who were less "controlling" then I am with knight. If I'm not willing to be treated that way, what right do I have to treat my husband like that?

I would absolutely have a fit if a significant other treated one of my adult children that way. If I don't want my kids treated that way, how can I treat my husband like that? That's what is going through my head.. 

.....but......if my adult child was naturally submissive and wanted/needed that kind of relationship to be happy then would I  be okay with it?

.....I have 4 daughters  and 2 sons. Would I want them to do what society deems "correct" even if it makes them unhappy? No. I've raised my children to follow their hearts and do what is right for them regardless of what anybody (including ME) says or thinks about it. Granted, three of my kids are still at home. Of the six kids we have two teen boys and one pre-teen girl. I talk to the three of them about making their own choices, and not being pressured into doing something that seems wrong to them. At the same time, I talk to my sons about girls, dating, and sex, and we talk about never pressuring a girl.. ANY girl into anything she doesn't want. If she says no, whether it's sex, or just which movie to go to, they shouldn't try to impose their will on them.. let the girl pick activities, treat her well, etc, etc.. 

My 2 adult daughters are both strong, independent women who are learning to be in charge in their romantic relationships.

Would I want my sons to have most choices taken from them by a significant other? I've raised them think for themselves, and to learn to identify what makes them happy and content. But, they are still teens-- emotionally immature, and unable to make that kind of decision. So,  NO. I would not allow a girlfriend to tell them what to do. But.. as they mature into men?  I want them to have happy, fulfilling relationships... and I would expect any woman they marry to meet their needs, no matter what they are. And at that point, those needs are none of my business...

Which brings me back to my knight. IS it abusive of me to take away so many of his day-to-day decisions?
By society standards, the answer to that is probably "yes." But.. then the question is-- Do I agree with society's opinion of what is abusive?

The answer to that question is No-absolutely not.

I believe that abuse is in the eye of the person on the receiving end. Many people view BDSM relationships as "abusive." But, I don't see it that way because all parties are involved willingly. They WANT to be there.

To me, abuse is somebody doing something to you that you don't want, that you don't like, or that hurts  you physically without your permission, or hurts you emotionally and psychologically.

I don't like being hit. I don't even like my knight smacking me on the ass, and he learned early that it was NOT acceptable to me. But he grins  like a fool if I punch him on the shoulder, or playfully smack him. 

For me, being smacked on the ass makes me feel uncomfortable. It's demeaning, and insulting... and if he did it all the time, I would eventually view the continued action as mildly abusive........but  my knight loves it, and doesn't at all view it that way when I swat him.

Same action-- two different reactions.

So, I can't base MY interpretation of flr on how being submissive makes ME feel. I have to look it makes my knight feel.

We've talked about it. He does NOT view my dominance of him as abusive. He thrives on it.. even though he still hates the word "submissive." He thrives on the structure, and guidance...he feels more confident knowing *exactly* what I want from him in every given situation, and at every moment.

Knowing all this, why do I still question myself when it comes to dominating my knight?  After all these years, I still struggle with the idea that I am somehow being abusive, mean and unfair?

I have seen with my own eyes that my marriage is stronger, more peaceful, closer, and frankly, almost perfect, when I maintain a firm control.. firm guidelines, and firm expectations for my knight. We are both happier.

When I start letting my dominance slip, start giving him more choices, and more say in things, we start bickering, misunderstandings happen, he turns into a jerk, and things go downhill from there.

So.. again, why do I struggle with this? The results of a firm flr are clear and consistent in our life.

And yet..there is still a part of me that struggles with the idea that I'm being abusive by dominating him.

Friday, May 27, 2016

More on the Freezing thing..

Here's another good example of what I've been talking about. This is pretty representative of what happens:

I like to write erotica. I don't consider myself a fantastic erotica writer, but I'm good enough to have had been paid for more than a few published pieces. In fact, way back when I was a single mom erotica writing regularly contributed to my income. When knight and I moved in together I slowly stopped selling to  erotica magazines and websites because I was busy with other things, and with his income we didn't need the money my erotica writing brought in. But, I never stopped writing it. The focus of my stories changed from what sold, to what he and I both enjoyed. I wrote primarily for him, and shared my stories with a handful or so of select people.  It was fun and a turn on for both of us.

We're both writers, and I thought it might be fun to write a sexy story together, round robin style. When I asked knight about it, he said it sounded like a neat idea. So I started a story and emailed it to my knight. I invited him to add a few lines and send it back to me.

Two days later I hadn't gotten the story back. I waited a week before I said something about it. He said he had gotten busy and forgotten about it. He apologized and told me he'd play with it the following week. I suggested we pull the story out and mess it with  over the weekend, after kids were in bed. He agreed, said it sounded fun, and then it never happened.

Sometime during the next week he sent me the story back. He'd added less than a paragraph, and the sentences he did add were.... let's just say it seemed like he didn't spend much time on them.

I added another paragraph and sent it back to him. Same thing. He was obviously not into it.

I tried talking to him about it, and he assured me that he *was* into writing the joint story, but that he was having trouble with it. He asked me to start another one.

So, I did. This time I purposely left my first paragraph generic so it could go just about anywhere. The idea was to let him lead the story and see where he wanted to take it.

No answer. At all.

When I talked to him, he said he was tunnel visioned on something and apologized.

A month later, still nothing. So, I dropped it. He was obviously not interested.

Knight liked what I was writing, or at least he said he did, so I continued to write for him. And, I continued sharing my stories with a handful of people. Whether my knight really liked what I was writing or at least he said he did. I suppose I'll never really know, but I absolutely do know that the friends I was sharing the writing with absolutely loved it. In fact it was so popular that a few people asked to share my writing with other friends, and pretty soon I had friends-of-friends emailing to ask if I would write a custom story for them. My knight didn't mind, and it was a turn on for me, so I did. I always shared what I'd written with him just to keep everything above board, so to speak. He liked some of the stories, and didn't like others, just like anything else I write.

Every so often I'd try sending him another round robin story starter because the idea of writing erotica with him was really hot. I wrote him stories based on his fantasies, and on mine.. I bought erotica for us to read together, and asked him to do the same, but it never happened. 

Eventually I stopped writing for him (but continued writing for others) because he just didn't seem all that into it. I was kind of sad, because it's something that is really fun for me, and tends to get me going, and I wanted to share that with him. I've never had what could be considered a super strong sex drive, but writing and reading erotica always puts me in the mood. But, it didn't seem like he was interested, so I stopped trying to force the issue, but told him if he wanted to write something with me, to let me know.

That was a couple years ago.. I still write erotica, but I haven't shared any with him in years because of his lack of interest.

A few weeks ago, the topic came up. We were talking about fun things we used to do together that we don't anymore. I mentioned the attempt at joint stories and asked him what it was about it that he didn't like.

His answer was that he liked it just fine, loved reading what I had written for him and for others, liked the idea of reading stories by other authors together. Then he told me that he'd gotten a huge kick out of the fact that I was a published erotica writer, and equally loved knowing I was writing sexy stories for our friends. He said he loved the joint story, round robin thing, too, and that he missed it a lot when I stopped sharing that with him. 

So, of course, the obvious question is ...........then why did you show so little interest when I was doing it?

His answer?  He didn't know. He couldn't figure out what I wanted him to write, what I wanted to hear, or what I wanted to read, and trying to figure it out simply paralyzed him, so he did nothing. He said that he never picked a story for us to read together because he didn't want to pick something I'd hate. He didn't want to react too much to the stories I wrote because he didn't know what kind of reaction I wanted from him.

Sigh......and 10 years later.. we still have the same issue--- he freezes when he doesn't know/understand *exactly* what I want. And I can't get him to understand that when I ask him a question, or ask his opinion, I want HIS opinion. I want his honest reaction when I do or say a thing. I don't what him to sugar coat it, I don't want to be humored. And I certainly don't want him to freeze because he's trying to figure out how I expect him to react. I've lost count of the number of times he's told me that he can't tell me what he thinks about something until I tell him what I want to do about it. It's maddening.


Frustration is setting in again. My knight is overwhelmed with a project at work, and still depressed and feeling helpless because of the situation with my step-son. His refusal (or inability) to take solid action regarding the step-son situation almost split us up. He felt backed into a corner by people who are "supposed" to be helping our teen, but who, in reality are causing unneeded stress within our family, and making things worse. They are completely ignoring the law in our situation, and I thought we should hire a lawyer, but one of the people involved with my step-son's care told us that if we hired a lawyer it would make us look like we thought we needed legal representation, and make us look "guilty." (of what, exactly, I am not sure.)  My Knight was afraid to speak out, hesitant to hire a lawyer, and afraid stand up for himself with these people, and the stress on me and the other kids was becoming over the top. I was continually telling my Knight that he needed to stand up for us, and hire a lawyer but he refused to do as I asked because he was afraid of backlash from the doctors and psychologist who are supposed to be helping our son. That was reasonable, considering the backlash from an incompetent psychiatrist is what caused the mess to begin with. (Lesson learned.. NEVER file a complaint against a psychiatrist if there is ANY chance your kid might see that dr. again.. EVER)

It finally came down to an ultimatum. I told my knight that if he didn't agree to hire a lawyer to deal with these people for us, that I was taking the other 2 kids and moving to another state where we wouldn't have to deal with this mess because the stress was just to much. Then, I gave him one week to take action.In that week, I did some job hunting, and found a couple potential houses for my kids and I in the new state. I picked this specific state and town because it's only 1 hour away from where we are now, and the laws regarding natural medicine and Naturopathy are significantly different. I am a degreed Naturopath, but I can't practice in the state we live in because of licensing laws. I CAN practice in the next state over.. In fact, I can be a primary care provider and even take insurance in the next state over. -- which means that supporting my kids, and starting over if necessary would not be a problem.

Two days later we had appointments to interview 4 lawyers, and four days later we hired a lawyer.

The lawyer has taken a lot of the pressure off of us, and stopped the harassment we were receiving. But, of course the situation is not over, and and the struggles between knight and I are not over.  We've been struggling for years.


Lack of communication.

That's it in a nutshell. He and I don't communicate well. Let me rephrase that.... HE does not communicate well.. hell, he barely talks to me about anything important at all. He goes to great lengths not to react to things, and to keep his emotions  hidden from everyone. Even me. It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative, he hides how he feels.

A big part of that is his on-going depression. And I've come to the conclusion that second biggest reason for his lack of communication is his tendency toward being submissive.

What do I mean? Take last weekend, for example -- We have a running list that I keep for my knight of things I need him to accomplish. When there is something I need him to  do, I add it to the list. If I need it done by a certain time or date, I add a deadline. The ap we use allows me to add notes, pictures, or files to the task item. When knight finishes the task, he crosses it off the list.

Simple, right?

It is.. except knight makes it difficult because he can't prioritize between items on the list and not on the list..

Several weeks ago, I added three items to his list: fix the molding by our bedroom door, haul something heavy out to the car for me, so I could donate it, and hang a pull up bar for my son.   These items had a deadline of end of the day the following Sunday.

Again, simple, right?

These task items remained undone for over a month.

The first time he missed the deadline, I tried to talk to my knight about why these things went undone. His answer was (once again) that in his head what I ask of him NOW, takes priority over what's on the list. Then he went on to say that he spent all weekend doing what I wanted him to do, and there was no time left to do things on the list. The way he phrased it made it sound like I kept him so busy all weekend that he didn't have time to do what was on the list.

I got angry because that's really not true at all. We went hiking together, and  he burned trash. That was all I asked of him all weekend. He spent the majority of his time either following me around, getting me random stuff that he thought I wanted (Example: you look like you want something to drink.. here, let me get you some tea),  or sitting/standing next to me. When I pointed that out to him, Knight's answer was he was doing those things because he thought it was what I wanted. He told me that he couldn't just leave me and go off to do the items on his list.. it was his job to be right there when and if I wanted him, which meant that he couldn't be outside hanging the pull up bar, in the hall, or hauling thing to the car because I might want something while he was gone and then he wouldn't be doing his "job"

 Does anyone else see the problem here? 

So.. let me just say.. that I have NEVER.. and I do mean NEVER expected him to be at my beck and call like that.I've never asked for that. I am, by nature, very independent, and not at all prima donna-ish. Not saying that it's a bad thing, but that it's just not ME.   Plus, I've made it very clear to him that if I take the time to put it on his list, then it's important, and I want/need it done by the deadline, no matter what.

We have the same problem with sharing emotions, fantasies etc.. you know.. all that stuff that brings a couple closer together and creates real intimacy.. yeah.. does not typically  happen.. More often than not, I will make the attempt and he will come back with something along the lines of "whatever makes you happy, babe." or " I want what you want," or  any number of phrases that boil down to he will do whatever it is that I want.

Dude that DOES NOT HELP.

I understand that in his mind his sole purpose seems to be to "make (me) happy" and to "give (me) what (I) want."

I get that... That's WHY we are doing the flr thing.. because he gets anxious and totally freezes up without my constant guidance.

But getting caught up in his own head so damned much that he can't accomplish a simple task like hanging a pull up bar for my teenager is taking things to the extreme.  And I can't find a way to pull him out of his head long enough to find out what he needs.

Yes. He feels helpless to help his son, he's angry about the idiots involved with his son's care,  he's depressed, he's not sure what to do about us, he's tired of us fighting, and wants peace and closeness between us. And, he's stressed and worried about this project at work.

I understand all that. I'm in the same place--including the work project. He's screwed it up enough that I'm concerned his job might be in danger. If *I* were his boss, I would fire him if he misses this deadline because missing this deadline will cost the company a whole lot of money.

But.........he's making things worse between us and *causing* us to argue when he does things like the other weekend (and every weekend since... including LAST weekend.)

With the work project very quickly blowing up in his face, I have let him pretty much off the hook for all household responsibilities during the week, and I've limited my requests to things he can do in an hour or less on Saturday and Sunday. So, for example, this past weekend, I asked him to cook dinner on Saturday, put laundry away and burn trash on Sunday.  The kids and I are doing everything else. I'm trying to help reduce stress, not cause more.

I've tried backing off completely and mostly letting him be.  He decided I was mad at him.

I've suggested he go into work early, and work late.. I've suggested he work part of the weekends to give him the extra time he needs to get this project done by the deadline.. Hell, I've even offered to go into the office on Saturday with him so he didn't have to sit in that office alone. (I would not be the only spouse to go hang out in the office.. they are pretty laid back about it, and in fact, I'm the spouse who is in the office the least. Plus, I do side work for the same company, so I even have a reason to be there.. )

He asked me why I didn't want him around in the evening.. then he told me that if he worked late he wouldn't be home if I needed him in the evening, and that was unacceptable to him.. But, what I *really* need from him, is to get this stupid project done on-time.   (in his defense.. this really was a project for three or four people with the time they gave him. But, it's a small company, and he's the only one with the database skills to get the job done.--- at the same time, he knew the scope of the project when he took it on, and knew it would take extra hours to complete.-- he should have been working late and going in early this whole time.. but again, he fought the idea. )

Maybe things will get better, and he'll be less anxious when this project is over.. but in reality we've dealt with this for years.This project is only the latest..


Monday, March 7, 2016

Nees vs Wants

We're still here, and still flr. My knight is trying his best to overcome the depression and feelings of helplessness that accompany the situation with my step-son. Personally, I still believe my knight would benefit from medication to treat his depression, but he steadfastly refuses. He'd rather continue with the natural methods and protocols I have him on, and since there is a solid reason behind his reluctance to take depression meds, I have agreed.

His depression has been with us for years, and it's not likely to resolve anytime soon.  Keeping to flr helps. I think it provides him with mental and emotional stability. No matter what is going on around us, or in his head, he knows that I have the situation under control, and will take care of things. Which is fine up until the point where I need him to handle something without me--- that's where things fall apart.

Recently, I went on a week-long trip without Knight. I took my younger kids to visit my adult children. We had a great visit. While I was gone I focused entirely on the kids. My knight and I talked several times a day while we were gone, and did a few video chats with the kids, but I wasn't "in control" while we were gone. I made suggestions, and reminded him that masturbation was strictly forbidden, but other than that, I left him to his own devices. It wasn't an oversight on my part, it was intentional.

And.. it was a mistake

In the week I was gone, a distance grew between us. While Knight was thrilled were were home, and obviously missed me, it was equally obvious that he had retreated behind his emotional walls. I left on my trip, and the constant reminders of his place in my life went with me.... or something like that. He's been unable to explain the feelings. But, over the last week, I've been intentionally more in charge, making sure to give specific instructions, and things have improved.

One problem I'm having is reconciling the flr with my other needs. Yes, I enjoy leading us, and frankly, I won't go back to 50/50. Thinking back, I don't know that I've ever had a relationship that wasn't flr in nature even though I thought of those relationships as traditional. I've always expected, even required my man to do things my way... I've always been a "my way or the highway" kind of person. That's not to say that I don't take other people's opinions under consideration, I do, but once I make a decision I expect my partner to follow along.  But, sometimes I need a break.. sometimes I need my knight to take over, and take care of me without being told. I need him to see that I'm stressed, understand what I need, and do it. OR at the very least, see that I need *something*, and ask me what that need is.  And this is where he and I are having problems.

Knight tends to be very definitive in his thinking, especially in areas where he's unsure. He sees his role in our marriage to be "make her happy, do what she wants." And, because of that, he's often unable to see that sometimes, in order to make me happy, he needs to think about what he knows about me, and do what he knows I need him to do. One good example is when I have an MS flare. I have herbal remedies that I use when the MS gets out of control. Sometimes I don't recognize what is going on, I just know that I feel rotten and want to sleep, or be left alone. But, it's obvious to my knight that it's an MS flare. Instead of suggesting I use an herbal remedy, he usually waits it out until I feel better, or until I realize what's going on and come to the conclusion myself.   Another good example is when I'm overwhelmingly stressed. I tend to react to stress by isolating my self until I feel better. But, Knight and I know that there are things he can to to help relieve that stress. Instead of taking it upon himself to do those things, he waits for me to ask. At those times, I need him to step up, and DO what he knows I need from him, without directions. And he won't.  The result is usually an argument. We've talked about it at length and all I get from him is "but you didn't ask." I can't get him to understand that at those times, what I expect from him, is for him to do what he knows I need from him. It's a vicious circle that we get stuck in.

I know why we get caught in this.. My knight is very, very bad at understanding the difference between when it's okay to do other than what I've asked, and when it's not. For example, he has been known to spend large amounts of money on something he knew I wanted AFTER being told not to spend any unnecessary money. As far as he was concerned, it was okay to go off budget because he believed the purchase would make me happy and he was very much confused when I made him take the item back. (it happened more than once, and for about 5 years I didn't allow him to carry a bank card at all.)

Another example occurs every weekend.. Knight knows he is expected to handle all cooking and dishes/kitchen clean up on the weekends. I don't want to have to think about it.  And... I don't think about it, which means that at no point during the weekend do I tell my knight, "go do the dishes." I go on about my weekend with no concern for the dishes or cooking. I expect him to just handle it. Except.. I also like my knight to be with me, and do as I ask him all weekend. We go hiking, we go out, we go wander around our garden, he sits with me as I knit, he does the chores I ask of him... and then dishes don't get done because at no point will he say "Babe, I need to go do the dishes."  For him the priority is what I say NOW, not what I said three hours or ago, or the established expectations.

What I need from him is BOTH.  I am not about to worry about cooking or dishes on the weekends. That is his job. But,  as far as I'm concerned, it's perfectly okay for him to say, "Babe, I need an hour to go wash dishes and clean the kitchen," or "I need to go start dinner at 5pm."  And he won't do it because as he tells me he things of his place as by my side, doing exactly what I want him to do at the time.

So, my challenge.. the one thing that will make the biggest difference in our marriage is for me to find a way to get him to understand that while I expect, even require, him to do as I ask, there are times that it's okay for him to do what I need him to do, instead of what I *want* him to do, and he has to understand the difference.

Friday, February 5, 2016

End of the Week

I have a few minutes, so I thought I'd post a quick update. This week went....OK. Not great, just okay.

We had one fight this week, but instead of letting things deteriorate like they usually do, I handled it more flr style.  Short version I told him months ago to stop buying fruit at one particular store. Every time we buy there we end up throwing at least half away because it's rotten inside. Well, on Monday he was supposed to get fruit on his way home, and stopped at *that* store because he thought it was closer to where he was. (It isn't.)

When he got home I said something to him about it, and he tried to turn it into an argument. After a few minutes, I told him to come into our bedroom with me. He came without a word. Once we were away from the kids, I told him if he goes to *that store* again for anything, he will no longer be allowed to carry the bank card, and I'll give him just enough cash for gas each week. I will do all the shopping myself.  That's the point when he apologized for stopping at that store and promised it won't happen again.

We'll see.

Other than that, it's been a peaceful week.  I've been paying special attention to making sure I remain firmly in control of our daily activities. I've even started helping him pick out his clothes for work in the morning. I've also been paying special attention to making sure I touch him more, especially after he has done what I asked of him. Both things seem to be making a difference in his actions and attitudes.

Monday, February 1, 2016

We Had A Good Weekend

For the first weekend in probably 6 weeks or so, knight and I had a Good weekend. It was nice. No arguing, no tension, and neither of us waiting for him to go to work Monday morning.  It's been a few weeks since we truly enjoyed each other's company.

The difference? I entirely believe the difference was my active management of the weekend and his activities. I was firmly and completely in charge all weekend, and my knight responded it that. We haven't discussed "returning" to flr, I'm just doing it. 

Friday afternoon before he left work I sent him a text giving him the choice between going to a coffee shop the kids and I found and staying in. My knight doesn't drink coffee, he prefers hot chocolate and when I took the kids to this coffee shop last week they both declared it to be the "best hot chocolate EVER," so it seemed to be the perfect place to take knight for a quick evening out.  I gave him a choice because I couldn't decide which I preferred. He answered very sweetly that it didn't matter what we did, or where we went as long as he got to be with me, but that if I didn't mind he's like to go check out the coffee shop. I told him I'd let him know when he got home from work.

When he got home from work I told him to go eat dinner because we were leaving in about half an hour. Knight didn't question it, set his laptop and camera down and got a plate.  I told him to come eat on the couch with me. When he sat down I put my legs across his lap and we talked while he ate. When he finished eating I declared it was time to go, and told him to put his plate in the sink, he could get it later.  The kids already knew where we were going, so I gave my son some last minute instructions and we left.

We had a good time while we were out. Both of us being writers we did a lot of people watching, and character creating while we watched people. The barista was amused when my knight waited for me to order, and then ordered the exact same thing I did. I'm not sure why, but he does that frequently. Most of the time when we go out to eat, he orders the same thing I do. The only time he doesn't is when I order something he just can't eat, like something really spicy. Anyway, for whatever reason, she was obviously amused by his order. After we ordered, I walked away and found us a seat while he waited for our order.

After about 2 hours, the place started getting crowded and I told him  I it was time to leave. When we got home, knight was very obviously waiting for me to finish talking to the kids and tell him what was next. My son and daughter had plans to watch a movie and then spend the rest of the evening playing video games. I told my knight to bring his laptop into our bedroom, because we were going in to watch a movie. He did so, and then said goodnight to the kids.

I picked the movie I wanted to watch-- I decided we'd finish the funky Australian tv series we were watching. After he got that set up I got up off the bed and started undressing him. When he was undressed, I told him where I wanted him to sit, and then I got settled around him. I remained dressed.  During the movie I combed and played with his hair, stroked his body and casually teased him. He was hard and leaking through most of the movie. When the movie was over it was after midnight. I was getting tired, so I got up and got undressed for bed. Knight put is laptop away, waited for me to get settled and then turned out the lights and came to bed. When he did, I directed him to lie down on top of me. He settled directly on top of me, and I held him tight. After a few minutes I reached down between us and positioned his hard cock so he could slide inside me. He did so, and tried to thrust and squirm. I told him to settle, that I had exactly what I wanted, and he did. He seemed very content.

The next morning I woke up around 5. I wasn't ready to get up, so I woke up my knight. I laid my body over him to let him know he wasn't to move, and spent about an hour teasing his cock with my hand, hair and mouth. He wanted to come, but I didn't let him. He had an appointment that morning, so around 6:15 I stopped playing and pulled him close against me while he calmed down. When it was time for him to get up, I told him so, and he went out to make coffee for me before taking his shower and getting ready for the day.

The rest of the weekend went the same. I was careful to give clear directions, and I made it a point to stop what we were doing once every 2 hours or so for a few minutes of cuddle time, and knight was very attentive and responsive to my requests and needs.

THAT is how this is supposed to work between us.  For the first time in a couple months, I feel real hope that we can work things out and create the relationship we both want.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Amazingly, We're Still Together.

It's been a rough couple of months. Actually, "rough" doesn't even being to come close. Hell is more like it. Knight's teenaged son had his first major mental break. It was a slow thing, building up over the last 2 years. The kid has been in weekly therapy since he started having problems about 2 years ago, but his behaviors kept getting worse. Then, one day this past summer I went outside to check on him and found him tying a rope to a tree. The told me in very cold, unemotional detail that he was going to hang himself.  He became obsessed with talking about killing himself and chopping people's arms and legs off. He talked about how it would feel if he threw himself under the school bus, or under a car, and which would hurt more, and how much blood each would cause.

After three weeks in the mental hospital he came home. The very next day went outside to our backyard and started throwing rocks at our house. I went out and talked to him, and he stopped. A couple days later I went for a walk and left my stepson home alone. I had his therapists permission, and in fact, she suggested the idea. I was gone for 15 minutes-- I didn't even leave our property. When I returned to the house, I found that my step-son had taken an ax to our back patio. (Yes, our ax was locked up. He found the neighbor's ax near the property line.) The kid was uninjured, and did not threaten me with the ax, but he was very proud of what he'd done. As soon as I came near the house he bragged to me about his actions while I was "gone." Then he started talking about killing people, and wondering if he could use the chainsaw to remove his own leg.  I called Knight at work, and told him to drop what he was doing and come home. Frankly, I was pretty freaked out by my step-son's whole attitude and demeanor. Then I called the the therapist. At first she told me to call the police and have him arrested, but as we talked about his actions, attitude, and his actions while we were on the phone, the therapist decided involving cops might get the kid tasered or shot.  So, she told me to have my husband take him to the ER  and have him admitted back to the psych ward.

He spent the better part of 3 months on the mental health floor of the local hospital. Right now the kid is receiving intense inpatient care in a residential treatment facility about 2 hours away from us. For the 2 months before my step-son's admittance to the hospital we had to keep him on constant suicide watch. His therapist labeled him suicidal and homicidal. We were instructed to lock up EVERYTHING that could possibly be used as a weapon.. kitchen knives, forks, pictures on the wall's dining room chairs. absolutely everything. I had Knight move into his son's bedroom to keep an eye on him at night. Even with that, the boy told his therapist, "That's okay, I'll just wait until Dad is asleep, then I'll sneak out of my room and put my head through the living room window. Nobody will know what's going on until they hear the crash."  Then, we had to put an alarm on the kid's door.

Yeah, it's been hell.

And, yes, I'm dead serious.

This gives you only a small idea of the stress and strain we've been under trying to manage step-son's behaviors and needs with the needs of the other two kids. PLUS deal with the problems between us. And, of course mental health care in this country sucks, so we've been fighting the system trying to force someone to help the kid. OR. rather *I* have been fighting the system. Arguing with doctors, talking with therapists, researching options... doing all the leg work, all the ... well *everything* in order to force a broken system to recognize that the kid needs serious, real help.  My knight?   Well.. whether he likes to admit it or not, he's a submissive guy and navigating the current system requires a bit of... forcefulness. Something he just doesn't have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making it out to be a bad thing.. it's one of those things that just IS. But, it meant that if anyone was going to advocate strongly for my step-son, it had to be me.

It was emotionally draining. And quite frankly left me with very little left to give to my knight.   Knight who saw his only biological son falling down the same path of mental illness that he watched the boy's mother fall down. The same path we lost my step-daughter to.   Knight needed my time and attention, too.  And I was unable to give it. Truth be told, I resented knight's inability to step up and make noise, file complaints, and find ways to work around the system.  I didn't WANT to take care of knight's needs. I was too busy trying to get through the hell we were in. I felt he was not supporting me, or his son.  I felt abandoned, alone, and stuck with all the work.

After my step-son was admitted for the long term hospital stay, and it became clear he would not be coming home any time soon my knight and I very seriously talked about divorce. Things were really... REALLY bad between us.

I was fed up, over-stressed and we had no idea how to relate with each other outside the super high stress situation with his son. 

He was upset, depressed, fed up and felt completely helpless, and rejected. 

On three different occasions in the last couple months we were literally hours away from his moving out. The company he works for owns a building with about 20 studio apartments. It would take  5 minute conversation with the company president (small company, the president and even CEO are very accessible) for him to get a key to one of those studio apartments.

Each time at the very last minute, he came to me with some version of "I will leave if that's what you really want, but please don't make me."

Each time, I backed down. Mostly for the sake of my kids. My daughter  is very close to her dad, and  would be crushed if we split. My 13 yr old son loves his step-dad, and is very much becoming a man who treats women very well, and a lot of that is him watching my knight with me. They are close, friends even, and I don't want to take that away from my son. But, also for myself. If we split I want to be damned sure there is no hope left for us. And it's difficult not to see at least a shred of hope when he's sitting in front of me in tears, practically begging me not to tell him to leave. He's a good man. We have our problems and difficulties, but he is dedicated to me, and our family, and I decided that if he could still hold on that tightly to me... to us, after I had made it pretty clear that I was done... well.. He deserved for me to give this another chance.

We've had some long talks over the last couple weeks, and have identified, and pinpointed some of the more pressing problems.

All of our problem seem to revolve around him not being able to show or talk about his feelings.

Yep. No surprise there.

He needs a very high level of attention, both physically and emotionally.

Again, if you've read this blog for any length of time you already know that about knight.

And, as I've known for years, he's uncomfortable with that part of himself, afraid to express it,  hesitant to admit it. etc, etc..

So, what happens is  I give him that high level of care and attention.. our entire flr is based on meeting this deep need of his. But I don't feel that he appreciates the effort that I put into it, and I start to back off. He feels neglected but doesn't say anything and starts slipping in his care and attention to me. At this point, I usually say something to him and instead of telling me he's feeling neglected, he quietly slips into feeling rejected, and things get worse from there.

Or.. at least this is the conclusion we've come to over the last several weeks of analyzing and talking about things.

Here are the conclusions we have come to:

We love each other, and when you get past the stress, overwhelm, and frustration neither of us wants to split.

I like the flr dynamic.

He likes the flr dynamic. It gives him a sense of emotional security.

He very much needs my touch. He craves it, and if he doesn't get enough touch from me, he gets depressed. He would be perfectly happy to *never* leave my side. He would be perfectly happy if he could *never* let go of my hand. Hell, he would be in heaven if he could drape himself to my back like a baby koala bear and stay there until the end of time.

He HATES talking about anything flr or submission related. It makes him feel like he's forcing me to do something, to be someone I don't want to be. Talking about his tendency to be submissive makes him feel... somehow not good enough. I can't explain it any better than that, because I'm not sure I understand it.

He equally hates talking about his need for my touch and attention. He hates admitting it. He feels guilty and "wrong" for even admitting he needs it.  He's afraid it will drive me off. Personally, I think the need itself scares him.

When I send him off to go do something without me on the weekends, or in the evenings-- go to the store, take a kid somewhere without me, spend the afternoon burning trash.. whatever.. he feels like I am sending him away from me. It's almost a punishment for him.

What kind of touch does he need? Honestly, ANY touch. My hand in his, or my legs across his lap while he reads to the kids is enough. This isn't a sexual thing, it's an emotional thing.. he's looking for any physical touch from me, as much as he can get, and he will do whatever he has to in order to get it.

We've come to the conclusion that when he starts not following through on things, he's subconsciously  trying to get my attention. Negative attention.. being yelled at.. is better than what he feels is being ignored. (even if I don't think I'm ignoring him.. he FEELS ignored, and is trying to get my attention.)

So.. Here is what I have decided:

We are going back to flr. In all honesty, we never actually left the flr dynamic. We said we would go back to 50/50ish, but the reality is that we never did. Flr is our natural state.

I'm not going to talk to him about it. Not going to discuss it, and not going to check in to see how or if the dynamic is working for him. I'm just going to DO it and keep my mouth shut.  If I  need to have a reality check talk, I'll do it HERE. He doesn't read the blog, so he'll never see it.
We have to address this deep need of his for my touch and attention. This is a need that just absolutely has to be met. Kind of like I need to breathe, or I die. My touch is that kind of need for him. Without it he dies emotionally. I will admit that I don't understand it -- not at all. If he or the kids hang on me to much I get down right bitchy. I have been very careful to let him know that I don't think it's a bad thing.

I need to find away for him to feel me my presence even when we are not occupying the same space. When he is at work, or even when we're at home and doing different things. He NEEDS to feel my presence.

I can not physically touch him every second he's not at work. I will resent it. I'm just not that touchy... See above.

He absolutely has to do 1 thing: He needs to tell me when he is not getting the touch time that he needs, and when he if feeling neglected. This acting out garbage must stop.

EDIT: He needs to do 2 things.  1 I mentioned above. 2. I need him to always show appreciation for the effort I'm making to meet his emotional needs. He can't take it in stride and act like it's just part of the deal. For me to be able to give that much he HAS to show his appreciation and devotion in everything he does. 

We are going to start there. We can't tackle all the issues at once. With all the stress we've been dealing with, we're still learning what are OUR issues and what are problems caused by the stress. But, THIS is something that has been with us off and on for 10 years, so it's a good place to start.


Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...