Friday, February 20, 2015

Is This Week Over Yet?

It's been a rotten week. First, the deal with the Jeep fell through at the last minute. The Jeep was a 2004 and the bank would only finance it for 36 months. That would have made the payments a hair over $500 a month. We already have another car payment, and I refuse to pay more for cars than I pay for my mortgage. So, I told my knight to take the Jeep back. I went back to the dealership the next day and picked out 2011 SUV  (not a Jeep) for the same price. The bank was willing to finance that one much longer and it cut the payment in half. So, for now, my Jeep Wrangler will have to wait.

On Monday evening knight got himself in pretty big trouble with me. He was rude and disrespectful. He had been fighting with a project all day at work. I left for band rehearsal, knowing we'd pass each other on the  road, and he'd be home within 30 minutes after I left. He had written instructions of what needed to be done and by whom while I was gone. At some point, he got an email from work saying that the project he'd been working on was broken, and they needed him to take a look. So, instead of hanging out with the kids, he was working. That part is okay. It doesn't happen often, and he was on the couch with kids reading around him while he worked. But, he didn't remind, nor supervise our Aspie in his evening chore, nor did he make sure that same Aspie showered and completed his bedtime routine, or went to bed on time. When I came in at 930pm, our Aspie was still up. He has a 9pm bedtime. I came in and sent the boy to bed, and then talked to the other kids. The other two kids got their showers, did their evening chores, and both have a bedtime of 930, with lights out at 10. Those two were heading to bed as I came in. They both told me that they reminded their brother to do his chore and take his shower and he told them no, not unless Dad told him to. Of course, Dad was buried in a work project and was stressing over it pretty hard. But.. my knight should have come up for air long enough to supervise his son. As far as I'm concerned, this is a minor infraction. I was thinking about what punishment would be appropriate. At 11pm, knight was done with the project from hell, and I sent him to the store. I would have stopped on the way home from rehearsal, but I forgot to grab the bank card. Knight runs to the store, gets home around 1230 am, and we head to bed. While my knight was moving his laptop into the bedroom, he decided to check his email. He had an email from the project manager of hell project saying that something else had broken. I told my knight that the project manager did not expect him to fix the stupid thing at almost 1 am, and to leave it alone and come to bed. He completely ignored me. Didn't even answer - like I had not spoken.

Then I told him, "No. Put the laptop down and leave it until morning. Nobody expects you to work on this at 1 am."

Again, he didn't bother to answer. He was still in our bedroom and I went in to go to bed. I told him one more time to put the damned thing down. Still he refused. So, I kicked him out of our bedroom for the night. I told him if he insisted of being rude and disrespectful by ignoring me, and if he insisted on working on the project right now, then he needed to do it in the den, because the light was bothering me. He didn't say a word, he picked up his laptop and walked out of our room. I locked the door behind him and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke early and made sure he got up in time for work. I asked him if he understood why I was angry the night before. He started making excuses about the project. I told him to just be quiet and listen. Then I explained that I wasn't angry that he had to work on it. I was angry that he had ignored me. If he had explained the problem and why he felt he had to work on it at 1 am, I would have agreed with him. (He thought he had done something earlier to break it. Turns out it was somebody else) But, that his refusal to talk to me and answer when I spoke to him was the problem.  I told him he would be given consequences that evening.

Tuesday afternoon we found out about the Jeep, so we were dealing with car garbage until Wednesday evening.

Thursday we were both preoccupied with dealing with our 14 yr old Aspie. He's having some major issues accepting his limitations. He sees 4 of his 5 siblings  excelling, doing well in college, getting jobs they love, and doing well with homeschooling, getting to do fun volunteer jobs, and doing fun things. Meanwhile, he is struggling with everything. On top of the Spectrum stuff, he has some pretty difficult memory issues. He's never noticed the differences between himself and his siblings until recently, and now that he sees those differences he hates them. He wants things to be different,  he wants to be able to learn new things easily, and he can't.  He is really struggling to understand why, and accept that this is just the way it is.  Things were much easier with him before he started understanding the differences between himself and his siblings. It's going to be a rough couple years. Puberty is hard enough without all of a sudden realizing that your not as able as the rest of your family. He's a great kid, and he'll get through it -- he has 4 siblings who love him dearly for who he is, and my knight and I have always been accepting of what he can do. We don't focus on all the things he can't do. I think that's part of the reason why he's having such a difficult time now. We've never treated him like he couldn't do things, but the reality is, as he becomes a teenager, he is now facing the fact that there are things he's unable to do.  So, because of all that, he's been very angry, defiant, and difficult over the last few weeks, and it all came to a head this week when he told me he wants to make his own decisions about what he learns, and he won't do the assignments I give him anymore. (we homeschool).  I told him fine, he can do it himself. Of course, he wasn't expecting that, and realized very quickly that he has absolutely no idea what he should do. We have a written plan for a special education high school diploma, and he has access to that document, but he doesn't have a clue where to learn the things he needs to learn in order to earn that diploma. So, instead of apologizing to me, and asking for my help, he is choosing to act out and spend a good chunk of every day arguing and tantrumming because he can't figure out what to do. Of course, he is blaming me because I won't tell him what to do. I told him, he made this problem, and it's up to him to figure out how to solve it.  He needs to work this one out on his own, and it will take time.  I'm glad he has a good therapist.

So, it's been a trying week. I'm going to spend the evening playing D&D with my knight and the kids, make banana splits for everyone, and then take a long soak in the tub with candles and music that I'll have my knight set up for me. Tomorrow, knight will cook breakfast supervise the kids (not that my 12 yr old and 9 yr old need much supervision anymore. But, he will supervise the 14 yr old, so I can get a break) while I read. Then, I think I'll take my laptop to a coffee shop and get some work done on the book. I'm sadly behind on my writing for this week because our 14 yr old has needed a lot of my attention.

In other news, knight's chastity device is still not here. I emailed the company and they claimed it got lost in the mail, and they will send another.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Valentine's Day, The Day for ...................Car Shopping?

Friday night, I sent my knight to the store on his way home from work. We had a family game night planned, and and I wanted carrots, apples, cheese, cottage cheese and extra eggs so the kids could grab their own "snacky dinner" and nobody had to cook. I split the weekday cooking with the the kids, and knight cooks all meals on Saturday and Sunday. Anyway.. I was standing at the counter making tea when my knight came home. I heard our 9 yr old say "those are pretty," as she ran outside to help her brothers bring in groceries.

When I turned around with my tea, I ran into my knight holding a basket containing two mini-rose bushes.

Once again, Perfect.

Most years we don't "do Valentine's Day" because our wedding anniversary is on Feb 11, and my oldest daughter's birthday is less than 2 weeks later. Squishing Valentine's Day in there is just too much. Some years, he will buy me flowers or seeds for the Spring garden I'm already planning, but usually we skip the whole thing, and do something special with the kids instead.

I bought my knight a stupidly expensive camera for Christmas. Long story short, he broke his old one years ago, and I told him he had to earn the money to replace it with his writing and photography. It took him several years, but he did finally accomplish that goal around November of last year. So, I surprised him with the camera for Christmas. It used his entire gift giving budget for this year, and he knows it. That being the case, my knight knew he would not be getting anything. (he still does not know about the chastity device I bought him--which still is not here yet.)

We had a great evening with the kids Friday. We stayed up until 1 am teaching them to play D&D.

Saturday, actual Valentine's Day, was dedicated to car shopping. I hate car shopping. I hate dealing with pushy sales people who usually think they know more about what I want than I do; or they totally ignore me and talk only to my knight.  But, as much as I hate it, it's time to trade in our mini van. There is a design flaw in the brake system that the company says they can't/won't fix. We have replaced brakes 3 times in the past 12 months, and the back need done again. The problem has been completely documented on the lemon law website, the discussion boards for this company and a whole lot of other places.There is also a design flaw in the headlights which requires us to replace the entire headlight assembly, bulbs and ballasts every year or two. Our mechanic can offer us band-aids, but the problems can't be fixed. So, I went on a mission to replace the van.

Last week, I had my knight call several different dealerships to explain the problem, tell them how much we still owe on the van, and find out if we could even trade the darned thing in.  I thought we might owe to much on it for anyone to work with us. The people knight talked to told him to bring it in, they thought they could work the deal. So, I spent the week looking  at those dealership's websites and researching car brands to see what I wanted.

Dealership number 1. I let my knight talk to the sales guy while I looked around. My knight had talked to the guy on the phone the week before and he INSISTED he could work up a manageable deal with payments were I wanted them. Since my knight had already spoken to the guy I figured it was best to let him handle the sales guy. Besides, like I mentioned, I hate dealing with car sales people.

 I was looking at a van and I didn't  think there was enough room in the 3rd row seat for our kids. We had the 9 yr old and the 14 yr old with us, and while the 9 yr old was comfortable, she will not be 9 for long. The van was to small. When I rejected that one, and then two more, we were ready to leave the sales guy looked at my husband, "hold on, let me see how you like this." Then he turns to me, "Can you give me 10 more minutes?"

Yes, this car might have worked, although, it would not have pulled our pop-up camper. Yes, I liked the car and the back seat was plenty big for all three kids. Yes, we could have managed the ridiculously high payment.  But in order to pay that much for ONE car, I would have to be absolutely and completely in love with it. I wasn't. Knight really liked the car. It was a biggish sports car with a back seat big enough for the kids, 2 sun roofs (one for the front seats, and one for the back) and loaded with everything you could possibly imagine. It even beeps when you drift out of your land.

Knight really wanted to sign this deal. I did not. It was to much money up front, and too much per month. I told the sales guy that we'd think about it, and I'd have knight call him by Wednesday. The sales guy looked at my husband with a look that said, "really, you're gonna let her do that?" Then, he said to my knight, "you're going to have this problem anywhere you go. If you're going to spend this much, it might as well be a car you love, right? And you do love this car, don't you?"

I answered the sales guy with "It's not up to him. I manage our money. I want some time to think about it. If we're interested, I'll have him call you next week."  We left.

Dealership number 2. I talked to the guy before we looked at anything.  He was upfront and honest with me, and told me he thought we owed to much on the van for payments to be what I wanted them to be. So, I asked him to give me a minute and I talked to knight about plan B-- buy a 2nd car to reduce the number of miles we put on the defective van, thereby reducing the repair frequency and cost. Knight had no major objections, so I sent him to go fetch the sales guy.

I told the sales guy what we had to put down, and what kind of payments I was looking for and he said he had a few things in that range. Then I told him it had to seat 4 comfortably and pull a pop-up camper. Sales guy stopped, and looked around, then went to check the computer. First we looked at a truck that my knight liked. It was nice, but there was something about it that I didn't like. Then I asked the sales guy if he had any Jeep Cherokees or Wranglers in that price range. At first he said no, then he remembered there was a Wrangler in the detail shop. We went back to the computer to verify. It was across town being detailed. He offered to take use to see it. I had my knight check the engine and under the Jeep while I examined the inside. After that, I wanted to drive it. The poor sales guy had no idea what to do. He'd never shown a car at the detail shop before. Finally, he let us test drive it.

Two hours later, we left with my "new" Jeep. It's not loaded, it doesn't ride smooth, (it's a JEEP- it rides like a truck). But, I can get all 3 kids in it if I have to, it will pull the pop-up camper, and it's a soft top, so I can easily remove the top without my knight's help. Oh, and I can take it off road. Yeah. I'm happy.

Friday, February 13, 2015


...... but not in my knight.

No, it's the US mail system this time. I ordered knight's chastity device 29 days ago, and it still is not here. Order tracking tells me it was supposed to be here at the latest on Feb 12.  Yes, I realize that was only yesterday, but despite my initial reluctance to order the darned thing, now that I have, I'm mildly excite to play with it.  Originally, I had hoped it would be here by the 11th, so I could give it to my knight for our anniversary. Maybe I'll get lucky and it will arrive tomorrow for Valentine's Day.  I had hoped it would get here on a day he's at work, so I have time to put the key on a chain and figure out how to put the thing on him before he got home.  (okay, don't laugh too much. I'm sure it's not difficult, but I'd rather not fumble with it)

If it's in the mail on Saturday then he'll wonder what's in the box, and he still has no idea I ordered it.

At this point, though, I wish it would just get here already.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Last Night Was.....


As we were getting ready for bed on Tuesday night, my knight said, "Is it okay if I go into work at 6am tomorrow? If I do, then I can cut out at 2 or 3, and we can have extra time to go out, or do whatever you want."  

I melted. That's probably one of the sweetest things he's tried to do in a long time. He is NOT a morning person, going into work at 6 means leaving the house by 5:20.  I told him that I would LOVE it if he did that.  My knight reset his alarm so he could be ready to leave by 5:20 am. 

It didn't work out that way, but it was my fault. Have you ever tried to get out of bed with a one hundred and.. cough.. cough... pound woman curled up on top of you? He was stuck, and I was not moving. Every time he tried to get disentangled from me, I snuggled in closer. It wasn't intentional. I was mostly asleep, and I was comfortable.  Finally, around 6:15 I woke up enough to realize he wasn't up yet. I we both got up and he was out the door before 6:45, which put him to work by 7:15. Not super early but  enough.  

Around 3 pm my knight mentioned to his supervisor that today was our anniversary. His supervisor gave him the okay to leave around 3:30, so we got some extra time 

When my knight emailed to tell me he was getting out to work early, I asked him to stop at our favorite restaurant on the way home for take out. Originally, I had planned for us to go out to dinner, but our babysitter cancelled at the last minute and we have a 14 yr old with Autism. He's high functioning, but we cant leave him home alone for more than 90 minutes or so. He refuses to take direction from my 12 yr old because he's under the false impression that "older" means "in charge." When I have to leave them alone, I set the 14 yr old up with a project in his room, and give him instructions to stay in his room and leave his siblings alone, then I put the 12 yr old in charge of his 9 yr old sister. It buys me an hour -- two at the absolute outside-- where I know the 14 year old is occupied and all is well.

After he left work, I went to get ready. I knew where we were going, but my knight didn't. I did my nails, and decided to wear a dress Usually, I'm a jeans girl.  In the summer, I might wear a skirt because it's cooler, but my idea of dressing up is usually involves dress slacks. Last night, I wanted to wear a dress because I wanted it to be easy for my knight to get under the dress, if the opportunity presented itself.  

When he got home, my knight asked me to close my eyes because he had something large to bring in. I was confused, but closed my eyes.  I heard rustling behind me, and then he said,  "I found you the perfect anniversary gift. Flowers that don't die. I hope you like it."  I opened my eyes and turned around. 

My knight bought me an apple tree for our anniversary -- a Red Delicious apple tree, to be exact.

He was right. I was the perfect anniversary gift. We are setting up  homesteading on our property. We haven't even been here a year yet, and I've had him plant 3 apple trees, 3 pear trees, 2 blueberry bushes, and 1 peach tree. We have one part of the property dedicated to becoming a small apple "orchard." Eventually, I want 5-8 apple trees. The one he gave me yesterday is apple tree number 5, because we found one established apple tree elsewhere on the property. I love flowers, but cut flowers make me sad, because they are dying. When we were a new couple, my knight used to buy me cut roses often. They were beautiful, and I appreciated the thought, but, a dying flower, no matter how beautiful, does not say never ending and eternal love to me. Finally, after a couple years I finally told him how I felt. I told him that I love flowers, and plants, but  if he's going to by me flowers, I'd rather he spent that money on a living plant......something that I won't have to compost or turn into incense in a week.

"See, " he said, "flowers that won't die AND gives fruit." I was thrilled with it and I let him know it. Then I told him, "You can plant it for me this weekend. " I had him put my new apple tree on the back patio for now, because on of our cats has started using some of my plants as a litter box.

I set the kids up for us to leave, and told them we'd be back within 2 hours. My 12 yr old knew where were going, I reminded him that we'd be within walking distance of the house and if his 14 yr old brother didn't follow my directions he was to text me. Then, my knight and I left.

We got about 1/4 mile down the road when I realized I'd left the candles and tablecloth I'd packed  at home. I told my knight that I'd forgotten them, and apologized. In wasn't going back for them. He still had no idea where we were going.

There is a small park with a boat ramp, picnic tables, and built in bbq grill not far from our house. The tables are under a road bridge, but next to a river. It's a beautiful spot. That's where I took him for dinner. I had planned on having a candlelight dinner beside the river, but like I said, I forgot the candles. It was pretty, we watched various birds fly over the river. I think I saw a deer on the far bank, but I'm not completely sure. Most importantly, it was absolutely silent, except for the sounds of the river, and the occasional car over head, and we were alone. Completely alone. No kids within a mile of either of us. I can't remember the last time that happened. As we ate, we started talking about the kids.  I realized what we were doing and put a stop to it. "No, we need to leave the kids at home This time is about us." I told him. We finished eating, and I was about to lead my knight across the deserted park and into the woods. I thought he might enjoy using his tongue to find out how little I was wearing under my dress, but a car pulled into the park. Since we no longer had the place to ourselves, I decided we should leave.

I decided we'd go home and go for a walk around our property. The sky was clear and I wanted to sit out and look at stars. First, we stopped for milk and marshmallows. When we got home, he made hot cocoa for ourselves and the kids, then my knight and I took our cups and went for our walk. It was beautiful out, there was an owl making noise somewhere in the distance. We wandered around talking, dreaming, and reconnecting for about half an hour or so. Then, I noticed that my knight was getting cold, so I suggested we head back toward the house

We went through bed time routines with the kids and spent about half an hour with our nightly kid book reading and then we told the kids we were going to go watch a movie in our room. We curled up on our bed and talked longer than we have for a long time.

It occurred to me that part of our current issues, part of the distance we're both feeling is that we haven't made time for us. We haven't set aside time, and space for the flr to work. We have 3 kids still at home, one of them high needs. My knight works a full time job, and a part time job (granted, he works on the part time gig while at the full time gig, with the CEO's permission) while I homeschool, write books and magazine articles, run my other business, and set up our homesteading.  All these things take up brain and emotional space, and we're not leaving room for us to recharge together. For me, enforcing rules, and handing out punishments becomes "one more thing I have to do."

That's not the way it's supposed to be. I want to have FUN with the flr aspect of our marriage. I want flr to be something we can both count on when things are busy. I shared these thoughts with my knight and added that I feel like it's one more thing I have to do, because I feel like he is just going through the motions, and doesn't appreciate my efforts. He insisted that he does, but I pointed out that he does not show it. He goes out of his way to hide his feelings, good and bad. I told him that's hard on those around him and pointed out that we've been together for 10 years, married for 8, and it's time he let go of the old stuff and started putting himself out there with me. I reminded him that if he wanted to keep the flr aspect of things, that he must start showing appreciation for the fact that I'm trying. Because his lack of obvious appreciation makes me feel like it's a waste of my energy. Then I pointed out that he'd get more of the flr related things if he showed appreciation for what he was already given.

The rest of the evening was sweet and relaxing and perfect.

This morning, when I sent my knight his list, he answered with, "Got it babe. Thank you."   So simple, but sweet.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Tomorrow Is Our Wedding Anniversary.......

......... and I feel like we are not as close as we've been in previous years. I'm examining the reasons for that.

When were we the closest we've ever been? I'd have to say that was the year I was super strict with the flr. Knight was given no wiggle room at all. If he messed up , he was punished. Those punishments usually consisted of extra chores, or staying home from events. I gave him specific assignments every time I left the house without him, and I did a lot more telling and less asking. Sure, he messed up during that year.. some months he messed up a lot, but other months went smoothly. We were able to talk about flr topics more easily than we are now. Knight didn't always answer my questions about flr and his motivations, in fact most of the time my questions were met with silence, but my knight was less closed off. He allowed himself to be more vulnerable........

I was going to comment that we had a misunderstanding which led to a lot of hurt feelings,and that's why things changed. But, it just occurred to me that is wrong. It took us several months, but we did finally get back to that level of closeness and intimacy, and we still had it when we moved.

So, what changed after we moved? Did I change? Did he change? Or did we just fall away from what we were doing that was working?  Lately, it's very difficult for us to talk to each other.  He comes across as uncertain, and insecure whenever flr topics come up ... he tells me that it's because he "doesn't know" what I want him to say. He says he doesn't answer and doesn't talk about it because he has no idea how I want him to answer.  For my part, I've become uncertain, too. Why? Because I am not happy.. no, that's the wrong word.... I'm not reassured by his current level of participation in the flr. I want to see that the flr makes him happy.  I constantly battle myself with the whole "being too bossy" thing. I spent a lot of years countering the tendency to take over, because I was taught that it was "wrong", "controlling" and "put people off".  I can disregard that early teaching - I've done it. But, in order to be able to look myself in the eye when being controlling of my husband I need solid evidence that he wants it, enjoys it and at the very least, does not resent it.

He's told me several times that he does not resent it, but then he goes though our day and evening and seems to just go through the motions. I want more than that. I want him to sincerely thank me for taking control of things. I want him to appreciate me controlling and managing his orgasms, I want him to thank me for taking the time to write his daily lists. I want to know that my efforts are appreciated and not taken for granted. Even after my very serious email a few weeks ago, I do not see or feel appreciation for my efforts. 

And that is a big part of the problem. Why should I put in the effort if that effort is not appreciated by the person benefiting from my actions? I feel like he's taking all this for granted, and that is part of the problem.

Another part of my issue is the almost argument we had over the pizza a few months back. There was a party at work, and I told him to limit himself to two slices of pizza. He reacts to gluten. I didn't want him to have the pizza at all, but I also didn't want him to be the oddball at work, so I told him to limit it to a slice or two. He allowed one of the women at work to push another 2 slices on him after my limit. He was upset that I'd dared tell him what to eat, and I was angry that he'd listened to another woman over what I told him. After we talked about it, he admitted that he was wrong. When I asked if I took it to far, he finally said no, it was okay. But, we never talked about how I felt that he let another woman pressure him into doing something I had told him not to. Stupid as it may be, it kind of shook my trust in him, and the flr. Yes, she is an almost 70 yr old woman, and he didn't want to be rude by refusing the pizza she went out of her way to bring him. But.. I am his WIFE, and the leader of our flr.... he should care more about offending/upsetting me than he does her.  If my word didn't matter once I was out of range, then do we really have the flr I think we do?

Stupid as it sounds, that incident shook my confidence when it comes to all matters flr.

So.. between some unseen/unnoticed changes between us after the move, and the pizza incident damaging my flr confidence, I think I see now why we are not as close right now as we have been in the past.

When I look at us, and evaluate our marriage and flr in a few months (on the anniversary of his submission ring), I want to see us closer than we are now, and on our way to obtaining the close, connected, open relationship I want.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

No Real Changes..

My knight is still angry, upset and feeling helpless because of the situation with his daughter. I've tried talking to him and pointing out that when he creates distance between us he always feels worse.

His response was, "Yeah. I know. I don't want us to be distant."

He's taking his lists more seriously, but as far as real intimacy (no, guys I don't mean sex), he's just not there. He's going through the motions, but his heart and thoughts are still pretty far away. It doesn't help that he's stopped taking his supplements.. those same supplements that we use to ease the depression that so often sneaks into his brain. I'm not sure how long ago he quit taking them. He usually takes them before he leaves for work while I'm doing other things. It wasn't until this morning that I realized he didn't take them. The will change tomorrow morning.

As for the flr aspect of things,  I am giving him daily task lists, and making sure he is following them, butI'm still struggling with feeling like I'm "forcing" anything more on him when he seems so disinterested in flr activities. What's worse, is that I'm conflicted about it. On one hand I am convinced that what I really need to do is make him kneel in front of me, and make him admit that he wants and needs flr and then force him to beg me to have my way with him. After that I think he needs to spend the evening attending to my every whim. Maybe I should see what happens if I spank him for last week's orgasm without permission ---  Make him break down the walls he's built around himself, force him to be open to me.    On the other hand, as always, I'm hesitant to push him, especially when he is hurting and upset.  I'm hesitant at the best of times, mostly because I don't understand his submissive needs, and he won't open up to me about the topic.

I'm absolutely certain that he IS submissive. There is absolutely no doubt about that, but I'm certain how far he is willing to take it, and I'm afraid that taking it to far could damage our marriage, and break the little bit of closeness we manage to find around his tendency to keep the world (and me) at arms length.

In other news, his chastity device should be here this week, and I'm planning to put it on him the same evening it gets here. I have this planned out. When he gets home from work, I will tell him to go shower and make sure he's well shaved. He will be instructed kneel on the bath mat and wait for me when he is out of the shower. When I come in, I will blind fold him, tie his hands behind his back, and then help him up.  Then, I'll put the device on him while I explain that this is not a punishment, but an opportunity to get used to the device and see how he feels about it. I'll also explain when I expect him to wear it.  When he's locked, I'll remove the blindfold, and the arm restraints. Then I'll hand him the key on a chain, and tell him to put the key around my neck. If he's not already straining against the device,  I'll tease, and play, until he is.  At that point, I'll tell him he has  minutes to get dressed and join us for dinner, and I'll walk out of our bedroom.

Will it work? Will being locked cause my knight to be more open with me about his feelings and thoughts? I have no idea.. but it's worth a try.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Feeling .... Distant

I can feel a very definite distance building between my knight and I. We barely talk unless it's about the house or kids.  We have some serious issues going on with his 12 yr old daughter, and I'm sure that's a big part of the distance. He tends to withdraw and hide inside himself when things go badly wrong- and the situation with is 12 yr old daughter has gone badly wrong.  I'm doing all I can to get him to talk to me about how he's feeling without being a pain. The best I get from him is "I'm fine." I know he isn't.  He's falling into a depression because he feels helpless. My knight does not deal well with feeling helpless. But, the bottom line is that there is absolutely nothing either of us can do to remedy things. We have done all we could for the last 7 years, and now, the situation is out of our control. The final outcome is out of our hands. It doesn't matter what we do or say, the situation will continue as dictated by someone we have no influence over. It sucks for all of us.

Pulling away from me isn't going to change anything, except make it harder for us both to cope with the situation. But, pulling away is exactly what he's doing - in every way possible. When he pulls away, I tend to relax the flr a bit and give him the room he seems to need. This time, I have Not done that. His expectations have stayed the same. I had hoped the continuation of our routines and such would help keep him grounded while we deal with this mess. But, he's pulling away anyway. He's meeting most of the expectations, and he's completing his daily task list, but emotionally he's far away from us. He's going though the motions.....but not really paying attention to what he's doing.

I find myself wondering if I should up the ante a little bit. Do something unexpected and outside our routine to help him refocus on the things he can control. I'm thinking about buying a leather flail or crop and using it on him one night this week just to get a reaction out of him. But, I'm not sure if it will help or hurt.

Our wedding anniversary is next week. I'd like to do something that brings us closer, instead of allowing the current  "normal" to continue.

I know he's upset and feeling helpless over the situation with his daughter, so am I. But I don't want to allow the distance to spread. Distance is a bad.. bad thing for us. For any couple, really, but some people can live with the distance and be content with each other anyway. We can't. Distance leads to a complete impatience with each other.

I'm not really looking for advice here, although suggestions are appreciated. I'm mostly just documenting this so that I can look back at it later and see how I dealt with it for future reference.

It would be fun to have him make a flail for us. We have a lot of scrap leather lying around. I could have him cut a certain number of strips, and then braid and tie them together to make a flail. It would give him a project to work on. He would probably think it was for our LARP group. Then when the flail is done I could could use it on him. Of course, it would be easier and faster to just go buy one when I'm out this evening, but I think he needs a short building and design project. Something that won't take too much time, and that lends a bit of mystery to things..

Of course, it won't solve the problem at all, but it just might help him feel a little bit better, and bring us a little closer.


Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...