Learning Experience.

We were not even a full week into the restarted flr when we had problems. My Knight is supposed to bring his daily task list to me before bed each evening so that we can go over it together. He did not do that even once. When I said something I was told, "I got everything done. What's the point?"  Um.. the point is that 1. it's part of the rules, and 2. you frequently do NOT complete your task list.

That was on Monday, I believe. Repeat on Tuesday.

I should have punished him Monday night, instead of explaining the reason for the rule and giving him another chance. Same for Tuesday. Lesson learned. 

Wednesday was New Year's Day. There wasn't an actual task list, my Knight simply did what I told him to.

The real problem started on Thursday. My Knight was supposed to fix our magnetic stove hotplate thing. The fan needed replaced, and he bought the parts earlier that week. I needed the hotplate to teach a class on Saturday.  There were other things on the list, but this was the big one. Our plans were twisted around a bit on Thursday evening, and I had my Knight take the kids to an activity while I stayed home to work. The expectation was that he fix the hot plate when he got back.

and.. again, Thursday night my Knight did not bring his written list to me for inspection before we went to bed. Had he done so the following problem would have been avoided.

Friday went on pretty uneventfully until the evening. At 7, my Knight took the kids to our Friday evening activity while I stayed home to prepare for my class the next day.

When I turned on the hot plate for a test run it overheated. I was making an herbal syrup, and the hot plate needed to be on for about an hour. It overheated after 15 minutes because my Knight had not replaced the parts.

I'm not so mechanically inclined, so I prepared my class notes while I waited for Knight and the kids to get home. After the kids went to bed I chewed Knight out for not fixing the hot plate the night before..and then I told him to fix it "right now."  Which he did. It took him all of 10 minutes.

Except that the fan he bought wasn't strong enough to do the job well enough. The hot plate overheated after about half an hour. Not good enough. I wanted to make a batch of this herbal syrup during the class, and it would take about an hour for the liquid to simmer down to the correct concentration.

I was already angry because the hot plate was not fixed on Thursday, as I had requested. My Knight's attitude of "oh well, nothing I can do now" just pissed me off. (It was after 11 pm at this point. He could not go out and get a stronger fan)  I was stuck in the position of having to completely rewrite my class because making the herbal syrup was a main component. The more my Knight talked and tried to explain away his lack of follow through, the more angry

The bottom line was simple.. if he had fixed the hot plate on Thursday, as requested, I could have tested it during the day on Friday. I would have found that the fan was not strong enough and he could have bought a stronger fan and installed it after work on Friday. Pretty simple really. But, because he dropped the ball on Thursday, I had extra work to do before Saturday morning.

Knight tried to tell me that he didn't have time to fix the fan on Thursday because he took kids to their activity that evening. Um..NO. Activity did not start until 7 pm. Knight gets home from work at 5pm. Besides, the activity was over and they were home by 930 pm. We didn't go to bed Thursday night until after midnight. We stayed up watching Dr. Who. So.. he had plenty of time to spend 10 minutes fixing the hot plate.  Further, he didn't come to me with his task list Thursday night so I didn't know the task was undone.

In the end, my class was a huge success, but it was not the class I wanted it to be.

Friday night and Saturday morning, I was still very.... very angry with my Knight. I reminded him that *this* was the sort of thing we went to flr in order to avoid. He has rules and tasks specifically because this sort of thing is unacceptable to me. I should not have to scramble to fix things, situations, or relationships that he breaks by forgetting or not following through. I talked to him and explained why I was so angry.. that if he had simply followed his list.. AND/OR the rules we have in place, none of this would have happened. I was, once again, stuck fixing his fuck up. Every time I tried to talk to him, my Knight tried to blame me with , "well, you're the one who asked me to take the kids to their activity this week."  Yes, I did. but the expectation was that you would still fix the hot plate.

We went round and round. I finally gave up and went to bed alone.

The issue caused so much stress that I had a massive headache all day Saturday and most of today. I hold most of my stress in my neck and shoulders.. so much so that the tensed muscles actually pull the vertebrae in my neck out of alignment. That causes headaches so severe that I have vision problems and nausea.

Yesterday morning, my Knight wanted my approval and instructions for everything. He stood in the kitchen and waited for me to give him instructions. It was the most annoying thing, because frankly, I didn't want to talk to him, deal with him, or even see him at all. I was considering if I even wanted to continue our relationship because I don't see a lot of change happening.

At some point during the morning, my Knight muttered something under his breath. All I heard was "don't agree." I asked him to repeat himself. At first, he refused, but I told him that I was already questioning the flr and our marriage, and that ignoring me was just going to piss me off further.  Sheepishly, Knight said that he didn't agree that this was his fault.

I said to him, "Did you bring me your list on Thursday night before bed?"

He answered, "No, I forgot."

I replied with, "And is is written in our rules that you are to bring me your handwritten list for review before bed each night?"

"Yes," he said.

I told him, "If you had done so, this would have been caught sooner, and I would not be facing the possibility of cancelling a class that I have been planning for months."

His attitude seemed to change right there. 

We went about our day, and my knight spent a good amount of time kissing up. He basically followed me around offering to do things for me, taking packages from my hands, and trying to carry things for me. It would have been sweet, had I not still been angry with him. 

He went to the airport to get my daughter, I went to teach my class, and I got a break from him, and some distance.

When he returned, I was still angry with him, but had decided to give him yet another chance. We've been dealing with this same type of issue for the last 10 years. We found a solution in flr once... we had 2 years of awesome when we followed a strict flr. I want that back again.

Then, yesterday afternoon, I remembered something I read when I was first learning about flr.  Someone (I do not remember who) said something to the effect of: If a dominant is doing a good job leading her submissive, she will have absolutely no reason to be angry or upset with him. His mistakes should be viewed as learning opportunity for the dominant.

Then, I just felt guilty. If my Knight's failure to follow his lists is my fault, then I am a really rotten dominant.

I started to question myself.. "Am I a bad dominant"? I've been mulling this over for the last 24 hours or so. I've come to the conclusion that No.. I am not a bad dominant. I am an "uncomfortable and unsure dominant."

I should have punished my Knight for not presenting his list to me that very first evening. Instead I reminded him of the rule, and gave him another chance.  I should have punished my Knight on Friday night when I realized he had not fixed the hot plate on Thursday, and had not brought me his list on Thursday night and for causing me extra work and stress.

Punishing him would have been more effective, less stressful, and may have  brought us closer together in the end. Instead we argued and fought and snipped at each other Friday night, and most of the day Saturday.