Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Punishment Postponed.

I had planned to post my update on my Knight's consequences this weekend. The plan was to give my Knight his list of things to accomplish on Friday night after we got home from our Friday night family activity. But, that didn't happen. On the way home I started having an odd pain in my chest that wasn't asthma, and I was pretty certain was not ms symptoms. I didn't really think it was a heart attack, but I wasn't sure what was going on The pain and pressure continued through the night and got worse with any kind of activity. Nothing I did made it any better. Lying down made it worse and so I propped myself up in bed. My blood pressure and pulse were normal and so, while I was concerned I didn't think it was anything serious. Around midnight I told my Knight to take a nap and I'd wake him if it got any worse. We both managed to get a little sleep.

The next morning the pain and pressure were still there. I got up and tried to go on about my typical Saturday morning activities, but movement made the pain worse and I started getting short of breath. I tried using my asthma meds, but  they only made the pain worse. That's the point that we decided I needed to go to the emergency room. My Knight drove me to a hospital about 35 min away in the next town. Our little town has a medical center, but the one time I used them for a severe asthma attack I was unimpressed with the staff and the care. We got to the ER and there was a string of police cars in the patient drop off area, so my Knight had to park in the lot and I had to walk to the door. By the time we got across the parking lot he was practically carrying me because I was out of breath and in a lot of pain. The nursing staff grabbed me and took me right back. They started an EKG almost immediately. The EKG was "questionable" and the dr. ordered baby aspirin  and nitroglycerin. Within minutes after taking the nitroglycerin the pain and pressure dissolved.

The doctor ordered blood tests, and a chest x-ray to check my heart, and called the on-call cardiologist. After talking to me, looking at my tests, and hearing about my family history the cardiologist still wasn't sure what was going on. He decided to admit to the hospital for a stress test, more intensive EKG and an echo cardiogram.

My Knight stayed with me until I finally told him to go home and get some sleep. He went home, but he didn't sleep very well. He had turned the younger kids over to my almost 17 yr old daughter and was back at my side by 7 am. The doctor came into see me around 8. We learned that my heart enzymes were fine, and it was unlikely I had a heart attack, but that my EKGs were abnormal. He explained exactly where and how my EKG was abnormal and then said, "but that's not what caused your pain. This is an electrical issue. Maybe in 20 or 30 years you might need a pacemaker, but right now it's not an issue."

"Okay. So what caused the chest pain?" I asked him.

Bottom line was that he didn't know yet. But hoped the tests he had scheduled would tell him what was going on.

The tests started around 9 am and were finished by 11. After waiting several hours for the cardiologist to look at my test results the nurse came in. My test results were all normal. I could go home.

I spent the rest of Sunday doing a whole lot of nothing. My daughter made dinner and we had a family movie marathon. Monday we went to to the lake for the day and I watched the kids and the dogs play in the water. Last night I told my Knight that I had not forgotten about his transgression and the impending consequences, but that given the circumstances of the weekend I thought it best to put our discussion on hold. I'm planning on having that discussion tonight.

Friday, May 25, 2012

A Lot To Think About

I am still sorting through my feelings and impressions regarding my Knight's total break of my trust the other day. Yes, the incident itself was a small one. And yes.. if he had asked me if it was okay I would have said yes. BUT.. the whole point is that he did NOT ask.. did not even mention it until the circumstances forced him to. He had almost 12 full hours in which to come clean, and he failed to do so. For which is reasoning was, "She didn't answer my email."

I have not handed down his final punishment because I have not yet decided what will best get the point across. The easy answer would have been to shock the hell out of him by beating his ass with a hairbrush until I simply couldn't swing that brush anymore. Goodness knows that I was, and still am, angry enough to do it. But..... as much as I may be tempted, I'm not so sure that approach is me. And the biggest question -- would it make enough of an impression on him to keep him from ever repeating the behavior. Somehow, I don't think so. I think it would make him angry and resentful. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that both those emotions are pretty counterproductive to the kind of trust and absolute honesty I expect from him.

 I think I need to focus on trust building activities. Find things which build trust and, at the same time increase emotional attachment to me. I'm not sure what those activities are.. I'm going to spend some time this weekend researching.

At the same time there still needs to be some sort of punishment for his behavior. Because this is an ongoing issue in our marriage, I am not buying his repeated apologies. At this point, I still think he'd do it again given similar circumstances, and that's unacceptable. His punishment needs to stand out in his mind and make it absolutely clear that this behavior is NEVER to happen again.

When we started the FLR aspect I created a a bag full of possible punishments. I've never needed to use that bag, but there is a first time for everything. I think I will have him roll a die. The number on the die will be the number of punishment slips he pulls from the bag. All punishments must be completed before Sunday night or there will be additional consequences. Probably in the from of pulling another slip from the bag and not being permitted in the same room with me until they are complete.

That's what I'm leaning toward, anyway.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A Rant.

Note: If you don't want to listen to me rant, bitch and probably cuss like a sailor about some stupid freaking thing my Knight has done... then skip this post, because I am livid..... and have absolutely *nothing* nice to say right now.

Let me start by saying that I believe in absolute, no exceptions honesty between my Knight and myself. I have never, and will never as much as stretch the truth with him. I do not tell white lies to spare feelings (his or anybody else's), and I have not and will not ever do anything behind his back  I am one of those people who, when you ask them a question you get a brutally honest response because I believe that if you value a person, then that person deserves the truth 100% of the time. I don't make promises I can't keep, and if my Knight and I agree to something, I stick to that agreement even if my heart is not in it.  The quickest and most sure way  for my Knight to hurt my feelings and completely piss me off is to be in anyway dishonest with me. I believe honesty and trust between partners is the single most important aspect of a marriage.

So.. what did he do? He borrowed money from a friend behind my back  The person in question is a good friend, more like adopted family, really. And  honestly.. we have about $300 that circulates between us when either of us has a need. She borrowed a couple hundred dollars from us earlier this year when she was out of work  We had something come up last week that cost us more than we had anticipated. It left us a bit short the day before payday. And.... he only borrowed $25. This is not about the money. If he had asked me if it was okay, I would have picked up the phone and asked her myself.

This is about honesty and being upfront. Yesterday my Knight and I looked at the situation and agreed that while things were way to tight for comfort, we'd be okay until his paycheck was direct deposited tomorrow morning. That was the end of it.. or so I thought.

Before he left work an hour ago, my Knight sent me an email.. "oh.. btw, I borrowed $25 from K"

Excuse me?!! What in the hell makes you think you can go behind my back and borrow money from anyone!..For that matter what makes you think it's okay to do ANYTHING  without checking with me first. And.. a few minutes ago I found out that he talked to this friend at 630 this MORNING and simply neglected to tell me.  His excuse? "I panicked"

Oh.. so that gives you the right to go behind my back, break a promise to me, ignore our entire FLR agreement AND borrow money without my knowledge?

I don't fucking think so. And sending me a text every 5 minutes claiming to be sorry you made me mad is not helping the situation.

Saying one thing and doing another is one of the things we had problems with before FLR. Granted, my Knight has never cheated on me but he was really horrible about saying he would do a thing and then never follow through. He was the king of "oops, I forgot to tell you." and "Yeah.. I said I'd do that... but.. "  It was so severe that I stopped believing anything he said... hell, our kids didn't believe him most of the time. "Mommy would you help me with this? Daddy said he would, but he'll just blow it off like he always does." He made it a habit of doing things and going places without telling me.  Over the years he totally destroyed my trust in him. It was one of the major things we argued about and when I agreed not to divorce him and we transitioned to the FLR one of the conditions was that he *never* go behind my back again. For *any* reason.

He's broken that one a couple times. The last time was about 3 months ago. I don't want to rehash the details, but he did something I specifically asked him not to do (and he agreed not to do) and then he tried to hide it. I was livid.. and hurt. I considered dropping the whole FLR arrangement because of his lack of respect for my decisions, and his inability to keep his word to me. Through a sea of tears (his.. not mine. I'm not much of a crier) he promised me he would never do anything behind my back again. Ever.

And here we are.. 3 months later in the exact same place. Sure.. things have gotten better. Saying one thing and doing another is no longer a daily issue. But..... it's not an issue I ever want to have to deal with. It shows a lack of respect for me and our marriage. Everybody runs into the occasional problem... "I didn't get to to the bank because traffic was bad and I needed to pick up the kid on-time"  THAT is no big deal.

Borrowing money from ANYONE in ANY amount after we discussed it and agreed it was not necessary is NOT the same thing.  This was blatantly and purposefully going behind my back and trying to hide it. And that is NEVER okay.

I can hear you guys asking.. "so.. what are you going to do about it?"

Honest answer.. right now.. I have no freaking idea. I am angry and hurt and simply can not believe he broke his word to me. I trusted him to keep a promise to me, and he has broken that trust. I am questioning everything right now.  If my Knight won't keep his promise to me, how much influence do I really have? If he can go behind my back over something so trivial (because really, if he had told me how much he was freaking out over this, I would have called K myself, just to set his mind at ease. ) how can I trust him about anything else.

Monday, May 21, 2012

His Ring

Getting my Knight his ring was one of the best decisions I've made since we started FLR. Every time I see that ring on his finger it's a reminder that he belongs to me. Really, he always has belonged to me.. well.. for the last 8 years anyway. But, seeing that visual reminder of our arrangement on his finger is somehow a turn on. His ring has a Celtic marriage knot design on it, and since he wears it on his left hand, most people probably assume it's "just" his wedding ring. But, it's so much sweeter that that.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

How Long Shall We Go?

Since my last conversation about unauthorized release, my Knight a has been extremely careful not to blow it again. It's only been 9 days, but I've been impressed by his determination not to let it happen again. It can't be easy for him since I tease and play just about every day. Many times our play sessions last over an hour. So, yeah.. I make it difficult for him, but what can I say? I enjoy watching him squirm. I have to admit that I've always wanted to play with tease and denial, even in my 20s.. *WAY* before I knew it had a name.  But, I was playing with the wrong type of guys,and I was young and naive, and let myself be convinced that by playing with T&D I was being a bitch. So, I stopped even though it was fun.

Since I started playing tease and denial games with my Knight I am a much more interested in sex than I ever have been. My brain is constantly coming up with new ways to tease him. Whether or not I actually play out those thoughts isn't the point. Sometimes I know we'll both fall into bed exhausted with nothing but sleep on our minds. That's when I write up the devious little teases going through my head and email it to him. Usually while he's at work. The other day the kids and I were at a local park for an event with our homeschool group. As the kids played I noticed the sheer size and privacy factor of the lake behind us. My Knight was treated to periodic  texts detailing what I'd like to do to him in a boat on that lake while he struggled not to release. It made for a ... um.. fun morning.

Over the past week I've been giving a lot of thought to why I have so much fun with tease and denial. We started orgasm denial as an experiment. I kept reading guys say that their whole attitudes toward their lady changed after an orgasm. I had never noticed that kind of difference in my Knight, but thought it was worth exploring. I'm still not sure I see much of a difference in him before and after orgasm. I continue orgasm denial because I notice difference in ME. I'm more interested in sex, more playful, and I touch my Knight more outside of sex when he's being denied. Denying him makes me more sensual and attentive to the erotic in everyday life. I can't explain it. But knowing that I am in complete control of my Knight's orgasms and knowing that he has not had one in X number of days/weeks because I have not allowed it makes me more likely to go out of my way to touch him. Even if that touch is just running my hand down his back while he's doing dishes. And, since my Knight is a guy who understands love through touch, anything that causes me to think about touching him more (in anyway) is a good thing. Before we started tease and denial games I was more likely to simply go to sleep when we went to bed. Now, with my Knight denied I'm more likely to tease his cock for a while before I go to sleep.

 I feel a responsibility to make sure I play and tease my Knight regularly because after all, he's in this denied state at my request. He doesn't wear a device and so really, he *can* release anytime he wants to, but he *won't* because I ask it of him. But, I don't feel any pressure to tease him. Before tease and denial games I felt pressure to allow my Knight's requests for sex, whether I was in the mood or not.  It wasn't that he was pushing it.. he wasn't .. my Knight is just not a pushy guy by nature, but I felt like I was denying him by saying no.  And now that I really AM denying him.. not sex, but the typical end result of sex - orgasm, I feel less pressure. My Knight still asks for sex, and he still hints that he wants to play, but I'm less likely to want to say no and I don't feel the same guilt and pressure when I do say no.

Don't get me wrong.. we had sex almost every day before  FLR and tease and denial games ---- as long as we weren't arguing, anyway. And I've never had any on-going complaints about our sex life.. my Knight has always been a "take care of her first" kind of guy. But somehow.. since we started the tease and denial games I think about sex more often, and I'm more likely initiate it.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

There's a Reason For My Suggestions

The other night I gave my Knight a reading assignment. I sent him two blog links, this one on obedience by I'm Hes, and the one I'm Hers wrote about us asked him to read through QnK a little bit since he's not read any of it yet, and I told him he could read through some of the blogs I follow, AND I told him where to find the list of blogs I follow.

He did that. And then went poking around a little bit and stumbled on some "kink stuff" and scared himself silly. When I got home that night we talked a little. My Knight said he found the reading "interesting." And he was still letting it percolate.

Something about the tone of his voice made me wonder what he'd read so I let him stew overnight and took the conversation to email the next day. Our discussion led me to really question what he read, so I finally asked him "What did you read OTHER than that assignments I gave you?" That's when I found out - he followed one link to another link to yet another link and landed on a BDSM kink blog -- something that I am absolutely not interested in.

He was just  a bit.... nervous would be a good word, LOL. When he finally told me what he'd read I asked him what the heck he was reading, because he didn't get it from the blogs I follow.

That's when I found out: My Knight couldn't remember my password for this account and so instead of reading the blogs I follow, he just kind of randomly followed links from one place to the next.

You know.. I really wanted to pick and choose what he reads on the topic of FLR for a while. While he's comfortable with our arrangement, he's NOT completely comfortable with the language used to describe it, and neither of us are interested in the kink aspect of it. (okay to be fair "kink" is in the eye of the beholder......I suppose light restraints, orgasm denial, watching me with someone else,  and FLR in general could be considered kink by some.) Some of what he read made him pretty uncomfortable. I gave my Knight assigned reading because I was trying to avoid that.

Ah.. well.. lesson learned. He won't go poking into any FLR or D/s blogs  without my approval again.

BTW....  my Knight liked what he read. Your post  inspired my Knight to do quite a bit of thinking about obedience. I hope he writes his thoughts for his blog, because he came to some interesting conclusions.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

My Knight and I had a good discussion the other night.  The short version is that he's afraid of doing or saying something "stupid to screw things up."  Okay.. fair enough. This is new territory for me, too and I'm concerned about suggesting or doing something that might make him reconsider this whole FLR path. That, and I don't want to look stupid.  So, I get it. He's probably scared he'll come up with something so out there that I'll stop the whole FLR because of it.

But.... here's the thing. That's not going to happen. See... for us the alternative to FLR would be going back to the way things were before, and I don't even think that's possible. Before, my Knight was doing the stealth submission thing without even knowing it had a name. And it was annoying the living hell out of me. I mean.. seriously.. I found myself hoping he would work late, and avoiding doing things with him to avoid dealing with the way he was acting. I still loved him..... but his behavior was making me resent him.  I didn't have a clue and interpreted his refusal to make a decision.. ANY decision ..... as complete apathy.  Now I understand a lot better what he was trying to do.. so going back isn't even an option for us. Now that I understand a little bit about what my Knight was trying to do I no longer resent his past actions. Actually, I feel kinda dumb for not following through on this years ago.

The point is that when I decided to explore FLR with my Knight, I made the decision to make things work... even if it took embracing a lifestyle I was unfamiliar with. I reminded him of that last night and he seemed to relax a little bit.

Sure, it's possible he may suggest something I'm not interested in trying, but that's for me to decide. Not him. But, of course I can't make that decision if he won't tell me what he's thinking.

He's trying. The more we talk things out, the more obvious it becomes to me that he really has not given any thought at all to what he wants in regard to FLR stuff--- other than, "I just want you to be happy, babe."

While I was out last night I gave my Knight an assignment. I sent him links to two blog posts, told him to read those, and then read through QnK a little bit, because he still has not read my blog, and then write a bit about what he thought about what he read. He was also supposed to comment on one of the blogs he read.

He did the reading, and a little more besides. He said he read the two posts I sent him, and flipped through some of the blogs that I have linked to on QnK, then he read my blog. He didn't comment on any blogs though, because he couldn't remember my password for Angelique, so commenting had to wait.  I got home before he was able to write his responses, but we're talking about it this morning.

So far all he's said is ".....interesting."

Monday, May 14, 2012

Our Weekend and New Rules

My Knight and I have had some issues with unauthorized release lately. No, he's not masturbating. He's gone back to not communicating when he's getting to close to stop the release and so we've had a few instances of "oops. That wasn't supposed to happen."  That along with some things on his weekend list not being accomplished have led me to institute a few new rules and take a renewed interest in reminding him of some old rules.  I am starting with more intense orgasm and open orgasm denial, an increase in the expected and demanded communication, and a several time each day short ritual to reinforce that my Knight is in submission to me that reinforces the nurturing part of our relationship.

Here's the list I sent him this morning:.

(this one you should know, because we've discussed it)-- There will be no bjs for two weeks because of the "oops" on Friday. I may, however, tease you with my tongue just to make you squirm,  and remind you what you're missing out on because of your indiscretion.

I am adding time to your next "scheduled" release. I won't tell you how much time I'm adding, or how long it will be. Don't ask, and don't whine about it. If there are any more "oops" I will add more time proportionately for each one.(example, 1 day for the first one, 2 days for the second. 4 days the third, 8 days for the forth and so on)  Obviously, getting irritated or frustrated over it and doing it  yourself is NOT okay with me and we'll have to look at more drastic measures if that happens.  -- so just don't.

It is however, okay-- expected even-- that you talk to me about how you're feeling about the whole thing. There is a difference between telling me how you feel or how its effecting you and whining. I'll let you know if you cross that line. I *want* to know how these things make you feel.

 Each "oops" will also result in my reducing how long and intensely I play -- to avoid pushing you over the edge.    How much time am I adding for each occurrence? I'm not sure I should tell you because  the last time I tried to discuss it with you, you got mopey, whiny and irritable.

Be forewarned, I will play less directly until you start communicating more. I don't want any more "oops" and that means I need to lay off a bit. That doesn't mean that *we* will play less and it doesn't mean that I will play with you less..... just that I will take you to the edge less frequently and less intensely for a while. You can show me you're ready to handle more by communicating with me.

Until you start showing more control and more willingness communicate, I am taking complete control in the bedroom. You can still start things, but you can't decide if or when you get to slip inside. If I allow you inside you will follow directions (spoken and unspoken) exactly.

I will start teaching you to respond more to my words. What does that mean? I'm going to experiment with actually telling you when you may and may not release. When you are getting close I want you to start asking if it's okay.

Do you remember when we first got together? You always thanked me after sex.   I asked you to stop because I didn't get it... it struck me as...... well.. exactly what it is.. a submissive action... but I didn't understand then. I do now. It was a mistake for me to ask you to stop and I want you to start thanking me again.  Except I want  you to tell me what you're thanking me for.

We need a daily ritual reminder of our dynamic. Something we can do three or more times each day. I'm thinking minimum - First thing in the morning, when you/we get home and right before bed. I will add times as I see the opportunity and the need. For example, anytime we are separated for more than 2 hours, or if you seem to be having a hard time following directions, or you seem flustered or upset. I also reserve the right to call it time "just because."  What's the ritual, you ask? We will take 10 minutes alone in the bedroom. We will stretch out on the bed, as close as we can, and you will suck and play with my nipples. This is not "let's get carried away and have sex" time. This is reconnect time. Time to stop the world, stop our thoughts and pay attention to taking care of each other. Time for you to get lost in being mine. It's an emotional reconnection.  (I am open to other ideas, if you think you have something that will work better)

I want you to start talking to me every day about how you are feeling. I'm thinking right before we go to bed either before or after our nipple sucking time, but any time will work for me. Tell me what we've done that day that encouraged you to feel "submissive" and what killed it. What you enjoyed, and what you didn't. I want to know what worked for you and what didn't.  How you're doing with the orgasm denial and how it made you feel that day. What, if any fantasies you had that day, and anything else that crosses your mind.  

We will start going to bed between 10 and 1030 each night so that we have time for the conversation and our ritual time before we fall asleep. If I forget we need to go to bed "early" I want you to remind me.

While I am at rehearsal tonight you will (in this order, after the kids go to bed)
  1. Write that blog post for QnK.
  2. Finish that form 
  3. Wash the crock pot.
  4. and if you have time, work on my office.
Shortly after I get home from rehearsal we will retire to the bedroom where you will snuggle up to me and suck my nipples for 10 minutes. Then I want you to grab the oil and give me a massage. I'll let you know what I want after that. 

Friday, May 11, 2012

Submission as a "Personality Disorder" ???!!!

Really?  Freaking seriously? The powers that be DARE to suggest my Knight my have a personality disorder because he is submissive?  Personally, I find the whole thing laughable, but that's what happened.

A little background. My Knight has a mentally ill daughter. She is under 10 years old, and has been in residential therapy for two years with no real end in sight. She is an amazing child and I love her like she were my own. But, she inherited a serious mental illness from her biomom. Not her fault.. not our fault .. just the way things are. As part of her overall treatment program her therapy team asked my Knight and I to submit to psych evals. Okay.. no problem . How this is going to help the child with schitzaffective disorder, ODD and RAD, I do NOT know.. but sure.. whatever. We took the evals about a month ago.

The results came back yesterday. In my Kight's results the computer program said his answers showed Histrionic Personality Features. I didn't have the foggiest idea what that meant, so I looked it up on-line and found this:PubMed Health article on Histrionic personality disorder

According to this article from Pubmed Health people with Histrionic personality disorder are (among other things) :

  • easily influenced by others
  • Overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval
  • Constantly seeking reassurance or approval

My Knight's computerized test results claim that he avoids autonomy and prefers to follow rather than lead. It goes on further to say that he is prone to submitting to authority, regardless of circumstances.

Okay.. I will admit these things are *mostly true* about my Knight.   He is easily influenced by others... but not indiscriminately. Obviously I have influence over my Knight, as do our kids, sometimes other people he respects, as long as I approve of him allowing that influence.  Yes, my Knight is sensitive to criticism or disapproval. Would I say he's overly sensitive? That's kind of subjective, I think. What one person considers overly sensitive might be acceptable and normal to another. My Knight reacts to me. When I am unhappy with him he is unsure of what to do next. He needs my guidance and reassurance at those times. He feels that if I am unhappy with something he's done he has failed me.  And Yes.. my Knight seeks my reassurance and approval. Constantly? I don't know. Over the years I have gotten in the habit of providing that reassurance and approval regularly. When we first got together, yes, he needed my reassurance and approval constantly.
BUT --- he was still recovering from the damage his ex-wife did. (did I mention his daughter's mental health challenges are inherited from her biomom? Yeah.. her mental illness put my Knight through more than 10 years of pure hell. She used his submissive nature to manipulate and use him. It has taken him years to recover.)

I would guess that these traits are mostly true about most submissive people, male or female. I mean... and please, correct me if I'm wrong. I have no personal experience here. I am basing this off of observing my Knight and what I have read. But I would guess that most submissives crave the approval of their dominant. Most probably are easily influenced by the dominant, as well. And, I would guess that disapproval from the dominant effects most submissives. Most submissives, by nature prefer to follow rather than lead.

In the rest of the report, all the "symptoms"  listed by the computer point to my Knight's submissive tendencies.  *every single one of them*. There was nothing in there that surprised me. I knew all these things about him already... they are what makes him submissive to me.

And that is NOT a personality disorder!  

To the credit of the therapist who did the evals, he said in the summary that my Knight does not show any signs of personality disorder which needs treatment,  and that he seems perfectly well adjusted and happy in his life situation. So, no.. my Knight has not been diagnosed with, or even suggested to have, a personality disorder.

My indignation is with the simple fact the computer program that does the scoring for these personality tests tags submissive people as having a probable personality disorder. I think that kind of blanket evaluation could lead submissive people to think there is something wrong with them. When, really... seeing submission as a personality disorder is something wrong with the diagnostic tool, the mental health system, and society in general.

The therapist who did my eval did ask some questions about my Knight. The type of questions he asked me led me to believe they suspected our FLR arrangement. I don't know that either of us tried to hide it... I mean... really.. why bother? Anybody who has known us for longer than 5 minutes can probably see that I am very clearly in charge.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Presenting His Ring

I spent a good amount to time Friday evening and Saturday morning thinking about where, when and how I wanted to present my Knight with his ring.

First, I took him out to dinner. Actually, I had planned a picnic dinner at our favorite park, but my Knight asked if we could go out. Going out to dinner is a big deal to him - he sees it as a way to pamper me - so I indulged him. After dinner I told him I wanted to go to our favorite park to watch the moonrise. As we got out of the van I slipped his ring on my left pinky and made sure to keep my Knight on my right side so he wouldn't feel it on my hand.

We walked and wandered around for a while until we came to what I thought was the perfect spot. The bright orange yellow super moon reflected in the water in as we sat on a bench. We could see the moon itself between the columns that are the main feature of this spot. Toads splashed and called to each other in the pond while some sort of tree dwelling animal made creaking and knocking noises from the far side. We sat on our bench talking about random things for awhile before I started asking how my Knight was enjoying our arrangement. He agreed that he's happy and content. Happier than he's been in a long time. My Knight told me he feels lost when I don't lead. He looks to me to keep him on schedule and to help him get things done, meet his goals and reach his dreams. He said when I don't do that he doesn't know what to do next and has absolutely no clue what I want from him.

 I turned so that I was fully facing him and said, "You know I have no intention of ever going back to the way things were. I like the arrangement as much as you do"

While we were talking I slipped the ring from my left pinky to my right. Now, I took his left hand in mine and  slipped the ring on his left finger.

"I love you." I told him. "This ring is a reminder to both of us that I am leading us. And that you like it that way. You're mine, and I take my place as your leader happily and willingly."

He didn't say anything at all. My Knight slid from the bench and onto his knees in front of me and laid his head on my chest.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

A Quick Thank You

I want to thank each and every one of you who read this blog, and who write blogs of  your own. I started this blog as a place to sort out my feelings, record our progress and basically just talk to myself about our journey into FLR. I never expected for it to become a popular blog, or to get a lot of feedback from the community in general.

Boy was I wrong. This blog has been averaging about 150 page views each day for over a month! I'm stunned. And touched that so many people thing what I have to say on the subject of FLR is worth reading.

I want each of you who take the time to comment here to know that your comments are very much appreciated. You've made me think and look at things in different ways. I appreciate that.

I also appreciate every one of you who have your own blogs. I have learned a lot from you guys. And I will continue to read and learn...and write.

Anyway.... thanks!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

He's Looking Forward to Receiving His Ring

My Knight is having a pretty annoying allergy attack. He feels horrible. Stuffy head, sinus headache, asthma issues, and just plain exhausted. Knowing he is spending most of the day at our local hobby shop with the kids, I asked this morning if felt well enough to keep our plans tonight. I told him we can reschedule if he's not feeling well. 

He looked at me with this intense, serious expression. "I've been looking forward to tonight since you bought the ring. Of course I'll be up to it."

If I still had any questions about whether or not this is truly what he wants, I don't anymore. 

Interesting Read

I really enjoyed reading this interview. http://dishevelleddomina.wordpress.com/2012/05/03/interview-25-2/

I can identify with quite a few things  Penthesilea  Bellatrix says.

And in case any of you are wondering, I took the Love Language Personal Profile test too. And my scores were:
Acts of Service - 10
Quality Time - 9
Physical Touch  - 7
Words of Affirmation - 3
Receiving Gifts - 1

Friday, May 4, 2012

The Same, but Different.

I haven't openly tested or played with my Knight's submission. Not in any kind or real way, at least. Sure, he has  a couple of household chores that I expect him to complete every night, and he knows that he is always to make sure there is at least half a tank of gas in the car on the days I'm running kids around, doing errands, or the nights I have rehearsal. I don't put gas in the car.. and If I have to do so then he is not doing his job. I expect him to make me coffee or tea every morning and he is responsible for making both our breakfasts on the days I drive him to work. But.. these are mundane and routine tasks that I know he's willing to do. So, I decided to put his submission to a (very small) test. I sent him an email telling him I would like him to start shaving his pubic hair. I told him I wanted it gone, and expect him to maintain it as well. No, not a major request, but really, it's my first request of that nature. I've hinted and joked about shaving him myself, but I never flat out told him to do it --  until now.

He did it this morning.  No questions asked. No argument or resistance. He sent me an email apologizing that he did a sloppy job with it because he was running late this morning, and he will fix it tomorrow.

Good. Now I can present him with his ring tomorrow evening when we go out. I'm planning to take him somewhere special to present the ring. I'll save the details for afterward just in case he finds his way to my blog before then.

Interestingly enough, Since we bought the ring, my Knight has been more attentive than usual. He's checked in with me before doing anything he's not completely sure of, and has made a point of being accountable to me for his time. This isn't out of the ordinary for him, but he's been more.. focused?/committed?/enthusiastic?  ... about it over the last few days. I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for, but to me it's a  sure sign he's enjoying this process.

Late yesterday I sent him an email asking if he likes being my toy and if he's looking forward to being presented with a symbol of his submission to me and my acceptance of that submission. I asked him to tell me what he's thinking about all this. In response I received a one sentence email: "Um.. yeah.. I think I am.*wink*"  Translation?  He's loving it.

And to my surprise he didn't object to the word submission. In the past when I've used the word submission/submissive in regard to my Knight, he's argued that he doesn't see it as being "submissive", only attentive, "playing to our strengths" and "the way things should be." He's always seen his role in our relationship as a promise to follow my lead, do my bidding and make my world easier-- like a romantic knight does for his Lady.  I think the more we've talked about things the more he's come to understand that being submissive is not a bad thing. It's simply who he is.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

He Doesn't Understand the Focus

Over the weekend my Knight and I were talking some more about FLR details.. you know.. where he wants to see this go.. how far he's looking to take this .. things like that. Bottom line seems to be that he doesn't know, but does want to explore it more deeply. During our conversation he made the comment, "I've always been like this. I really don't understand your focus on it"

Hmmm.. another one of those comments that just kind of threw me. Yes, he's always been submissive. I know that. He's been doing the "stealth submission " thing with me since day one, I just didn't recognize it until recently. He was submissive before I came along - I know enough about his first marriage to be sure of that, although that's not why they split up.

It's the not understanding my focus on it that surprises me. I mean... in order to chart our relationship to somewhere we both want it to go I need to understand his "submissiveness" - the why's and hows and what's of it. Because I even recognizing that he will go where ever I lead, I would like us to be on the same page. I never want to lead him where he truly does not wish to go.

Am I over thinking all of this by trying to understand what he needs and wants from being my submissive? I do tend to over think things, but understanding his submissive buttons is important, isn't it? You can't be a good manager or leader unless you understand what motivates those you lead.

That's my focus.... trying to understand and learn to put his submission to work for us instead of it working against us like is was before.

I'm convinced my Knight's lack of understanding of why I'm focusing on this is because submission is so deeply rooted in who he is. On Monday he said something that sums up to " I wish I could quit my job and devote every minute of my life to you." Those were not his exact words, but that they accurately reflect his meaning. I have no intention of turning the kids' education over to him and going back to work full time, so he's going to have to be content in knowing by working full time outside the home he is performing an important task for me. And.. someday, (hopefully soon) when we get our various businesses and freelance activities marketed well and they are able to support the family, he may quit his 9-5 job and work from home.

This is a learning process, more for me than for my Knight. He is finally able to relax and be himself without worrying about what I'm going to think. After 7 years I've finally recognized and accepted his submission instead of trying to force him into a mold in which he does not fit.  I'm not sure that he knows where he wants this to go..... or maybe he does and he's just waiting for me to figure it all out. I don't know.

Either way, it's my job to get over my reluctance to truly lead and explore this some more

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Ring Has Been Found!

On the way to my class yesterday afternoon we stopped by that little metaphysical shop that my Knight mentioned. He wanted to check to see if they had his ring before we ordered on-line. Sure enough.. they had it!  

Since we had all the kids in the car with us I had my Knight run in and take a look at the rings they had in stock. I wasn't expecting much, so when he came out and said he left 7 rings on the counter inside that all fit I was surprised.

I went in and there it was *exactly* the ring I was looking for. I bought it and had the sales lady box it for me so that my Knight would not see which ring I picked. When I got to the car I made sure he saw me slip the ring box in my purse. My Knight raises his eyebrows, obviously curious. But I just grinned at him and wouldn't tell him which ring I picked.

Then he dropped me off to teach my class and took the kids home for dinner. He didn't mention the ring again until we were in bed last night. "You never showed me which ring you picked."

"Nope. I didn't. You don't get to see it until I put it on your finger. I want to do it right, and that will take a couple days to plan out... and we need some time alone and away. Thursday night, maybe... Maybe Saturday. We'll see."

I'm looking forward to presenting my Knight with his ring. A reminder of his submission to me, and my willingness to take control and lead him. I am considering buying myself a simple key charm necklace. No, my Knight is not locked, but I like the symbolism.


Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...