A Rant.

Note: If you don't want to listen to me rant, bitch and probably cuss like a sailor about some stupid freaking thing my Knight has done... then skip this post, because I am livid..... and have absolutely *nothing* nice to say right now.


Let me start by saying that I believe in absolute, no exceptions honesty between my Knight and myself. I have never, and will never as much as stretch the truth with him. I do not tell white lies to spare feelings (his or anybody else's), and I have not and will not ever do anything behind his back  I am one of those people who, when you ask them a question you get a brutally honest response because I believe that if you value a person, then that person deserves the truth 100% of the time. I don't make promises I can't keep, and if my Knight and I agree to something, I stick to that agreement even if my heart is not in it.  The quickest and most sure way  for my Knight to hurt my feelings and completely piss me off is to be in anyway dishonest with me. I believe honesty and trust between partners is the single most important aspect of a marriage.

So.. what did he do? He borrowed money from a friend behind my back  The person in question is a good friend, more like adopted family, really. And  honestly.. we have about $300 that circulates between us when either of us has a need. She borrowed a couple hundred dollars from us earlier this year when she was out of work  We had something come up last week that cost us more than we had anticipated. It left us a bit short the day before payday. And.... he only borrowed $25. This is not about the money. If he had asked me if it was okay, I would have picked up the phone and asked her myself.

This is about honesty and being upfront. Yesterday my Knight and I looked at the situation and agreed that while things were way to tight for comfort, we'd be okay until his paycheck was direct deposited tomorrow morning. That was the end of it.. or so I thought.

Before he left work an hour ago, my Knight sent me an email.. "oh.. btw, I borrowed $25 from K"

Excuse me?!! What in the hell makes you think you can go behind my back and borrow money from anyone!..For that matter what makes you think it's okay to do ANYTHING  without checking with me first. And.. a few minutes ago I found out that he talked to this friend at 630 this MORNING and simply neglected to tell me.  His excuse? "I panicked"

Oh.. so that gives you the right to go behind my back, break a promise to me, ignore our entire FLR agreement AND borrow money without my knowledge?

I don't fucking think so. And sending me a text every 5 minutes claiming to be sorry you made me mad is not helping the situation.

Saying one thing and doing another is one of the things we had problems with before FLR. Granted, my Knight has never cheated on me but he was really horrible about saying he would do a thing and then never follow through. He was the king of "oops, I forgot to tell you." and "Yeah.. I said I'd do that... but.. "  It was so severe that I stopped believing anything he said... hell, our kids didn't believe him most of the time. "Mommy would you help me with this? Daddy said he would, but he'll just blow it off like he always does." He made it a habit of doing things and going places without telling me.  Over the years he totally destroyed my trust in him. It was one of the major things we argued about and when I agreed not to divorce him and we transitioned to the FLR one of the conditions was that he *never* go behind my back again. For *any* reason.

He's broken that one a couple times. The last time was about 3 months ago. I don't want to rehash the details, but he did something I specifically asked him not to do (and he agreed not to do) and then he tried to hide it. I was livid.. and hurt. I considered dropping the whole FLR arrangement because of his lack of respect for my decisions, and his inability to keep his word to me. Through a sea of tears (his.. not mine. I'm not much of a crier) he promised me he would never do anything behind my back again. Ever.

And here we are.. 3 months later in the exact same place. Sure.. things have gotten better. Saying one thing and doing another is no longer a daily issue. But..... it's not an issue I ever want to have to deal with. It shows a lack of respect for me and our marriage. Everybody runs into the occasional problem... "I didn't get to to the bank because traffic was bad and I needed to pick up the kid on-time"  THAT is no big deal.

Borrowing money from ANYONE in ANY amount after we discussed it and agreed it was not necessary is NOT the same thing.  This was blatantly and purposefully going behind my back and trying to hide it. And that is NEVER okay.

I can hear you guys asking.. "so.. what are you going to do about it?"

Honest answer.. right now.. I have no freaking idea. I am angry and hurt and simply can not believe he broke his word to me. I trusted him to keep a promise to me, and he has broken that trust. I am questioning everything right now.  If my Knight won't keep his promise to me, how much influence do I really have? If he can go behind my back over something so trivial (because really, if he had told me how much he was freaking out over this, I would have called K myself, just to set his mind at ease. ) how can I trust him about anything else.