Monday, November 24, 2014

A Productive Weekend

Friday night, I went to bed upset and irritated with my knight. We had been talking about the pizza incident off and on all day, and it seemed that every time he opened his mouth he made things worse. What I trying to understand was if I had gone too far with telling him he could only have one piece of pizza. I wasn't satisfied with the answers he was giving me because he wasn't answering the questions. 

All I was really getting from him was "yes, I was upset about the pizza incident, but I'm over it." But he refused to tell me what, exactly had upset him. Was it the misunderstanding when he assumed I meant don't have to much instead of "Don't have more than one piece" , like I said; or was he upset that I took things a step further than I usually do and dared to tell him what, and how much, he could eat. (although, in reality, I tell him what he can eat all the time. I do the cooking, and I make the grocery shopping lists, he makes his daily lunch from items at home, AND he emails me for permission before he goes out to lunch with co-workers)  He avoided answering the deep questions that I really wanted answers to.

I believe that when there are hard feelings between us those feelings should be dealt with openly and swiftly. I don't believe in letting things go unattended. That leads to anger and resentment, so I very much wanted to understand what it was that knight was upset about.

It seemed that we were talking past each other, which rarely happens to us via email. He said a few things that came across as snapping at me, other times he was talking in circles, and not responding to the most important parts of my emails. Because he didn't seem to be "listening", a lot of what he said came across as hurtful. Friday evening when knight came home from an activity with the kids we settled in with a movie and tried again. That didn't go any better. There was a lot of silence coming from knight and what he did say made little sense to me. And, really I don't think he understood what I was trying to say, either. At some point Friday, I asked knight if he still wanted to continue the flr, or if he wanted to give it up and go back to 50/50. His answer? "Is that what you want?"  By midnight, we went to bed both frustrated, hurt and confused as to why this blew up on us.  After he thought I was asleep, I heard knight whisper very quietly, "Your feelings are more important to than mine."  I was thinking about how to respond to that when I fell asleep.

Saturday morning I woke up before he did. I stayed in bed and thought about what had happened over the last few days. Why were we bickering over this? I had given him an instruction, and he had not followed it. It really was that simple. His feelings had been hurt by something, but I still was unsure what that was. I can't fix it, if I don't know what I did to upset him. At the same time, he had said some very hurtful things the day before. I thought about his whispered words the night before, and all the times he'd made similar comments.  I also know that his words and his actions weren't agreeing. I stayed there, with him snuggled behind me, for probably 45 minutes thinking about all of this.

Finally, it dawned on me that maybe.. just maybe this wasn't my problem. Could it be that knight didn't really mind my pizza directive, but that he THOUGHT he should mind, and was acting on that? Could it be that he really did understand why I had made the request, and why I had punished him for not following it, but that years of trying to fit in to a male dominated world made it difficult for him to accept that I had punished him for something as simple as a piece of pizza? Was all this a matter of him still having a hard time accepting that his is just happier as a submissive? It started making sense in my head.

I started moving around a little to wake knight up. He's a light sleeper - or maybe he's just super tuned into me - If I roll over, he rolls over with me. If I get up for something and don't whisper where I'm going, he will wake up to look for me. That being the case, I can wake him up by simply moving away from him, and that's what I did. I flipped him over on his back and laid across his chest with his legs trapped between mine. He settled in, and I heard him sigh. When I was sure he was awake I asked him what the hell happened the day before. I told him what I'd been thinking and told him I was not willing to give up the flr. Not now, probably not ever. 

He pulled me closer to him (as if that was possible at that point), and kissed the top of my head.  "I really didn't meant to snap at you in that first email. Think about it a minute babe. I don't snap at you. I can count on one hand the number of times I've snapped at you in 10 years."

He was right, and I told him so. Then I asked him, again, if he had been upset that I had dared to tell him what he could eat.

"At first, yeah, But, I really am over it now. You were right, and I screwed up. I should have listened." Then, he added, "Babe, I don't answer the flr questions because I have no freaking clue what you want me to say. I don't know how to answer because I don't know what you want to hear. You know I don't know what to do when I don't know what you want from me. It's the same thing. I'm not ignoring you, baby. I really don't know what you want me to say. If I tell you I want to continue the flr, and you're fed up with it, then I'm making you do something you don't want to. And I never want to do that."


So, I told him, "Baby, it's okay that you are this way. Flr isn't going to drive us apart. I'm not going to get tired of it. I know that you're uncomfortable admitting that this works for you, but it's okay with me. And, really, nobody else's opinion matters. I love you, just the way you are. Including the flr part.I know you struggle with this, but it really is okay."

At this point, my knight was almost in tears.

"Baby, if I could make ONE change about you, it would be that you were able to make yourself more clear about what you were asking for all those years ago. I would not change the flr part of you. It's sweet, and I love you for it."

We talked for a little longer. I reassured him that I flr is not a burden or a problem for me. Sometimes it's hard for me, but I really don't mind. I told him that I want him to relax and let his desire for flr stuff to come through, that he doesn't have to pretend, and that I know he needs the flr emotionally, and that's it's okay. Then I told him, "I will take the flr stuff where ever it needs to go for you to get what you need. I will follow the flr where ever it leads us, but I need you to be honest with me about what you want. I can't do this if you hide things."

He agreed to try to be more forthcoming with information.

Then, I asked him, "Would it help if we backed up a bit and went back over what I expect from you in every situation?" Honestly, after 10 years, I expected him to tell me no. But, I was wrong.

He nodded. "It would help a lot. I never feel like I know what you want from me."

Shortly after this we got up. While he was cooking our breakfast I reminded knight about the writing assignment he had due by 10 pm. He said, "Yeah, one more thing I have no freaking idea how to answer."

"Wait,baby.. I have you write out the flr stuff so you have a chance to think about it without me standing over your shoulder. It's supposed to give you space to say what you need to without having to do it to my face. It's intended to help."

My knight sighed. "Well, it makes it harder because I don't know what you're looking for or what you want."

I told him to forget the writing, then. We'd talk about it in person that evening. We did, and it went well. 

So.. I have some training matters to attend to with knight. I didn't try to use the word submissive during the conversation at all because in the past he's been uncomfortable with the word. I didn't want to stall the conversation because of semantics. I'm still not entirely sure what I need to train my knight on, exactly. So, I'm going to pretend we are starting from absolute scratch and re-teach him everything. He'll tell me if I'm trying to teach him something he already has a handle on.

Oh..and the rest of the weekend was absolutely wonderful. Knight was the perfect sub all day Saturday and Sunday, and he was very open with is desire to, and happiness in being submissive to me. In fact, he even sat on the floor in front of my feet every chance he got.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

I Accepted FLR Because....

As part of our discussion yesterday, I sent my knight an email that included this:

I have accepted this role of leader because you are important to me, and I want you to be happy and content in our marriage and in our life together. You asked me to take control of things, and lead our family. I accepted this responsibility because I cherish you, and I cherish us. You wanted to feel like you belong to me, I'm trying to give you that because we 'belong' to each other. 

Friday, November 21, 2014

Baby Steps.....

I'm mildly irritated this morning.

Yesterday, I sent knight the following email:
Do you resent the punishment over the pizza the other day? Are you upset that I dared tell you to limit it to one piece? Did I go to far? Or are you okay with it because you know I was looking out for your health and well being?
Yes, I'm serious. I'm always afraid of taking things too far and causing you to resent the dynamic, or to resent me.

He answered with:

I took it as "don't eat too much pizza" the past I've been known to eat six or seven slices without batting an eyelash.  I didn't eat too much...I kept it to a minimum, lot less than I used to.

No, I would never resent *you*...but I'm not always perfectly in tune with this, you know that.

I love you.

I responded with:
Yes....what? I asked four questions yOu answered one.  That leaves a lot for interpretation.
Plus yOu are saYing that you interpreted "Don't have more than one" as not to much.....but that was not what i assumed i didn't mean what i said. Would it have been different off you had taken me at my word instead of reading into Ii?
Sent from pHone.ignore typos

So.. after the kids went to bed last night. I tried to talk to knight. I started by mentioning that he didn't have time to answer my last email, and ask him what he thought.

"Um.. I don't know, babe."

I tried for a good 15 minutes to get him to talk to me about how he felt about it. He kept coming back to "I thought you meant not to eat too much, and I didn't. They were small pieces. " I called bullshit on the slice size, because it was chain made pizza. The slice sizes are standard.  "I didn't even eat the ends."  Again, not relevant.  I pointed out that I said exactly what I meant, and that he was wrong to assume I meant something different. He said that he didn't set out to break any rules, or intentionally break anything. I told him I knew that, but he still did break the rules. 

I tried to address the question of did he resent it, and did I go to far, and he never answered those questions. He didn't get angry, actually, he seemed upset over the whole thing. So, I still don't know if I went to far.. or if he resented the whole thing.  He did tell me he was over it, but that still does not answer my questions.  I truly hate it when he refused to answer a direct question with a direct answer.

Keep in mind that on Saturday after we went out for dinner, he had serious high blood sugar symptoms.... dizzy, his speech was off, he seemed spacey -  he  kept "blanking out" as he put it. I almost took him to the ER. Instead, I took his blood sugar and it was super high.. not diabetic coma high, but incredibly high for a person who does not have diabetes. I gave him 2 cinnamon capsules, and some chromium, and his blood sugar came down nicely. THAT is why I'm being strict about this.

 Before we went to bed last night, I reminded Knight that he needed to get up early and make breakfast and coffee, and have it ready by 630am.  He needs to leave for work before 715a, to make it to the office on time.  I told him he should set the alarm earlier so he can get up in time to have breakfast ready by 630.

 "Nah.. I got it, I'll just get up when the alarm goes off." 

Uh.. hu. The alarm is set for 615.

So.. this morning, the alarm went off. Knight turned it off, came back to bed, and cuddled in close to me. I reminded him that he had to make breakfast.
"Yeah, I know.. 10 minutes."

He finally got out of bed at 630am. He went straight out to the kitchen and made my breakfast and started coffee. Remember, though the directive was to make breakfast for BOTH of us, not just me. I got up and settled on the couch with my morning brain dump writing. I wanted When my breakfast was cooked, knight brought it to me and went off for his shower. He never did make breakfast for himself, nor did he finish making my coffee- it was still steeping when he went in for his shower. (I use a French Press for coffee).
So, I pressed and poured my coffee, finishing the job knight was supposed to do.

One one hand, I'm pleased that knight made the attempt to start fulfilling his punishment. On the other hand, I'm irritated and disappointed that he didn't do it correctly. I firmly believe that if you're going to do a task, you should do it correctly and follow the guidelines for that task. When he does things half-assed like this, it causes me to question his dedication to flr. I feel like he is doing only the minimum amount needed to avoid making me angry, instead of giving me his best. And I have issue with that. I give him, and our kids my absolute best every single day. Some days, that is extremely difficult because of the MS. But,I push through the pain, muscle spasms, balance difficulties and I do what needs done anyway.  Is it too much to ask for knight to do HIS best for me?

Sure, he likes the morning cuddle time..He's a very touchy- feely guy, so I would even go as far as saying that the morning cuddle time is something he needs to feel loved. BUT.. *I* would rather get up at 5 and get a head start on my day. It would give me a bit of uninterrupted quiet time before the kids get up. I need that, it helps me think and prioritize my day. Plus, for a writer, quiet time is essential.    Part of the my reasoning for having knight get up and make breakfast for both of us was to start getting him in the habit of getting out of bed a few minutes earlier.

But, really the point here is that he was given a job... as a punishment.. with a time deadline. "Have breakfast ready for both of us by 630am." It's simple, straightforward, and direct. He knew exactly what was expected of him, and I reminded him both last night, and this morning. I feel like he blew me off. I don't like things done half-assed.

Changes I Want to Make

I am guilty of not implementing changes to our routine, or to our flr, out of fear of pushing my knight farther than he is willing to go.

  • What if I tell him he must sit at my feet and tell me he is dedicated to my serving me and my happiness, and doing so makes him feel awkward and uncomfortable and caused him to doubt his submissive feelings? 
  • What if I buy a flogger or a paddle and us it on him, and he feels abused? A long time ago he told me he's open to anything except pain. But.. pain for him is different than pain for me. When I rake my nails down his back as hard as I can, it doesn't cause pain. It drives him crazy. I've even drawn blood on occasion, and apologized. He still loved it. I've learned that there is no such thing putting to much pressure on his body. I can lean all my weight into his back, and squeeze his cock as hard as I'm able, and he loves it. I've experimented with biting him in various places - not once has he said "ouch" or asked me to stop.In fact he often leans into it, silently asking for more.  But the idea of "what if" is still there"
  • What if I tie him up and tease him relentlessly, and he feels taken advantage of, forced or even compares it to rape in his head?
  • What if I tell him he can't eat something (like the pizza the other day), and he resents it?
  • What if I arrange for a third person to join us, and knight feels jealous or like he's all of a sudden not enough for me. Granted, we've had one person join us in the past. But he was an old boyfriend of mine, and a dear friend. 
  • What if I take action to fulfil one of knight's fantasies, or one of mine, and it drives a wedge between us somehow?
  • What if he starts to resent the dynamic and doesn't know how to tell me. 
These are the things I worry about while managing our flr.  I know that it probably seems silly to many of my readers for me to worry about these things. Knight has shown, in many different ways, that he wants me to control everything. Recently, he has told me he wants the flr, that he doesn't want to control our money, or our activities, or our schedule. He has said flat out that he does not want to be in charge. When I ask or tell knight to do something,he usually does it. When he doesn't it's usually a matter of forgetting, or not understanding.

But, does that give me the right to push things as far as I can? Was I wrong to tell knight to limit himself to one piece of pizza, like I would one of my kids? What makes it "right" or "wrong" is intention, I think. My intentions were to look out for knight's health and well being - not to demonstrate my control.  Knight once told me that I "could make (him) do anything (I) wanted" because I have that kind of power over him. He said that to me pre-flr, and I didn't understand the weight of the comment. I thought he was just being sweet.

Post-flr knight told me, "Do whatever you feel you need to, to get me to do what you want." That is a pretty strong indication of submission, right? Does that give me the right to spank him or put him in the corner or otherwise punish him when he disappoints me?

After all the signs I've seen, and the number of times he has told me to do as I please with him, or told me that I could make him do just about anything.. do I still need his approval before trying something new? (hard limits not included here)

Does it show him that I love and care about him when I give him rules and limits? Did he feel loved and cared for with the pizza situation? Knight didn't act angry. He didn't seem to feel anything except upset with himself for disappointing me.  Is practicing flr  building him up,and helping him to become the man he wants to be, or am I unintentionally breaking him down and hurting him? He seems more confident and happier under flr. But.. we're talking about my knight here - he is damned good at hiding and ignoring his true feelings. So, how do I know for sure?  Would he "go along" with flr and quietly start resenting it, and me, just to keep the peace?

Or does his recent admission that he wants the flr dynamic give me the go ahead to deepen the dynamic? I have come to the conclusion that I enjoy flr. Sometimes I would like to see knight preform an action of his own accord, instead of because I told him to. For example, run my bath, light candles and put on romantic music.. it would be nice if he were romantic on is own, instead of because I've told him... but, I also know that doing romantic things on his own causes him to get caught in a loop of doubting himself. The starts thinking 'will she like roses or a live plant better? Should I take her out to dinner or plan a picnic at her favorite park...' And the thoughts go on and on, and he never does anything because he can't decide what to do. When I direct his efforts, things work out much better.

Does the recent admission that he wants and needs flr give me the permission to work on deepening his feelings of submission to me? Is it *right* to intentionally help someone to feel more dedicated and submissive to you?

I know that my readers will tell me that it's perfectly okay, and that knight wants me to help him deepen those feelings. A large part of me agrees. Knight says he wants this, and I need to trust him to speak his mind. He wants me to be happy, and will do whatever it takes to "make" me happy. (except I believe no one can "make" another person happy. Happiness comes from inside)

At the same time, I want him to be happy and content,and I never want to hurt him in anyway.

And yet.. when I drop the flr, I unintentionally hurt my knight. He feels rejected, and assumes I've dropped it because I'm angry or disappointed in him.

More indication that I should take steps to deepen the flr bond between us. .

What changes would I like to see? What do I think will deepen that bond?

1. A specific routine when he comes home from work that expresses his dedication and desire for flr. I've asked him to start doing that.
2. More sex play and experimentation. I want to find out where his line between pleasure and pain is.
3. I want to make him masturbate for me without allowing him to orgasm.
4. I want to fulfil some of his cuckholding fantasies.
5. I want him to tell me that he is completely dedicated to me, and me alone.
6. I want him to sit at my feet more often. I feel special when he sits in front of me. I like it when he kneels in front of me.
7. Most importantly, I want us to talk about his submissive feelings. I want to know what makes him submissive to me, and why he loves feeling that way. I want to understand what pushes his submissive buttons.

8. I want to cause him to lose himself more often. When I cock-tease knight for a long time he gets totally lost, and nothing else matters to him except what I'm doing to him at that moment. I want to see that happen more often.

Thursday, November 20, 2014


Yesterday, I picked knight up from work and we headed to choir practice.  On the drive to choir practice he started singing to the radio - the song was of your typical "you are my entire world" variety. Knight almost NEVER sings to the radio. He made it clear that he was singing to me,and that the words were directed to me. With a squeeze of my hand and a very pointed look, I understood this was his way of meeting the requirement that he show dedication to me as his wife, and the head of our flr.  The kids were in the van with us, so something more obvious and direct was not appropriate. I acknowledged is intent, and that was the end of it.

When I called bedtime, knight very directly asked if there was anything else he could do for me before we went to bed.  I told him no, I needed nothing else from him, we could go to bed.

Those two things show me that knight understood the change in rules, and was attempting to comply. It's going to take him more time to comfortable using words like "obey" and "submit/submissive," and to be outright and open expressing his dedication. As long as I see progress, I'm satisfied.

This morning, we both forgot that knight was supposed to get up early and make breakfast and coffee. We stayed in bed and cuddled while we woke up slowly. I had two orgasms, and then played with his cock long enough that we were late leaving to get knight to work.

We were halfway to his office when I realized we had both forgotten about the change in our morning routine. I asked knight if he had remembered, and it was obvious he forgot too.  I told him I will add an extra day on the end of the required week.

I've been thinking about this all morning. Knight and I tend to be creatures of routine. Creating new routines and forming new habits is difficult for both of us. It's easier for me than for him, but that's not saying much.

I think our tendency toward clinging to our routines is a big part of our problem. We have fallen into a flr routine that is difficult to break. It's up to me to break the routine and bring about more openness and discussion about flr matters to our day. It's become habit not to talk about it because knight was uncomfortable admitting he wanted this. Now that he has admitted to me out loud that he wants flr, and needs flr, it's my job to change our daily habits to include more open discussion, and more flr focused sex play. (because I want to see where that leads - but that's another topic).

I'm going to have to be diligent in order to change these habits for both of us. Knight will follow my lead, I'm sure of that, but I need to be consistent because if I drop it or forget, knight won't remind me. He told me the other day that he assumes I forget nothing. So if I don't initiate leadership, he assumes he's upset me and I don't want to lead. Which has been another part of our problem. I get busy or stressed, and I fall back into old habits and forget to lead.. instead of reminding me that I have a role to fill, knight tells himself I'm mad at him, and starts "punishing" himself by screwing things up and making me mad at him. Because in his head If I drop the flr, it's his fault.

Bottom line.. if I want new habits to be built, it's my responsibility to build them for both of us.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Knight's Punishment

After a good bit of thought, I've come to the conclusion that knight did not set out to disobey me. I believe he went down to the company party with every intention of only eating one slice of pizza. Then, when an older female co-worker started pressuring him to eat more, he gave in to her for whatever reason. I find myself wondering if he would have given in if it had been one of the guys pushing more food on him. Somehow, I don't think so. My knight tends to have "white knight syndrome" which often includes doing what the women around him ask. When we are out together, he always asks me before carrying things, moving things, opening doors etc for other women. I know that when I am not around he does these things whenever the opportunity presents itself. (and I'm okay with that)  If I had been there, knight would have refused the second piece of pizza. I'm sure of that.

So.. where that does leave me?
  1. We need to work on knight's self control.
  2. I need to get knight to understand that my directives overrule any and every other female on the planet, whether I'm there or not. 
  3.  We need to do things that will strengthen the flr dynamic between us.
I believe that punishment should always be designed to make a point, or teach something. What do I want knight to learn from this?

I want him to learn that he must obey my directives regardless of who is pressuring him to do what. There are times when he may need to disobey me when I'm not around - emergency type situations come to mind - that's not what I'm talking about here.. I'm talking about every day stuff, like not eating something he shouldn't simply because some woman shoves it in his face. (unless, of course, I've given him permission to play with one of my friends, but that's a different post.) I want him to learn self control even when he's being pressured, and I want him to learn to tell other people NO, when necessary.

Here is what I've come up with for knight's punishment:
  • He will get up early every morning for the next week and make coffee (for me)  and breakfast for both of us. Both are to be ready by 630 am. This works on the self control and the dedication and service to me. Knight prefers to get up at the last possible minute because that is our snuggle time. 
  • He will write a couple paragraphs about how he could have handled the pizza situation better. It will be written in 1st person, as several short stories. He will illustrate three ways he could have handled this instead of eating the pizza.  This will give him ideas on how he can better handle this type of situation next time.This is due to me by 10pm Saturday, 11/22
This situation has also prompted me to make some minor changes to our flr. From here on, knight is expected to:
  • Do something several times a day - minimally when he gets home from work (or when I pick him up from work), and before we go to bed each night - that underscores his dedication to our flr, and his desire to serve me.  I will leave the details of these actions up to him. But it needs to be clear and obvious to me that it is a sign of the flr. Some examples include: sitting on the floor, by my feet during book time, kissing my hand as he gets into the car, kneeling in front of me and professing his desire for flr, whispering in my ear that he is dedicated to our flr, and to me. I am open to anything he might come up with, and it does not have to be the same thing each day, and it need not be serious-he can be goofy and ham it up, as long as it's obvious to me what he is doing. 
  • From this point onward, I expect knight to verbally acknowledge that whether or not he orgasms is up to me. We've practiced orgasm control for a long time now, but we don't talk about it much. I expect him to say thank you for teasing sessions,  and sex play, regardless of whether or not I allow him to orgasm. This is something that knight did in the beginning of our relationship. I think I've mentioned that I didn't understand it, and eventually asked him to stop. I think thanking me for teasing, letting him give me an orgasm, or having one himself is a good way to remind him that I call the shots. Plus, I think we need to talk about things a little more, and this is a good way to open those conversations. 
If a similar situation happens again, his punishment will be fairly drastic. But I believe what he really needs is for the dynamic to be more obvious and visible between us. 

The Not So Perfect Evening

Remember yesterday that I said knight would get his only orgasm in almost a month last night  "unless he somehow manages to royally screw up today" ?

Yep. He screwed it up. As far as I'm concerned he fucked up big. Now, before I go into this, understand that it's the principle of it that I'm upset about. The blatant disregard for my request, and his complete and total lack of self control.The issue itself is minor.

Yesterday was a big day at knight's office.They finished and released a huge project that has been 2 years in the making. The whole office celebrated with an afternoon lunch party. The company sprung for pizza and salad for all the employees as way of celebration. Knight emailed me to let me know about the pizza. I told him, "Go ahead, since it's a part, but don't eat more than one piece of pizza" Background here is that knight has unstable blood sugar and reacts to specific food chemicals. Grains make his blood sugar spike to high end diabetic levels, and cause mood swings. MSG and tomatoes make him brain fogged, itchy, moody, depressed,  and bring out the worst of his OCD. Like every other health issue in this house, we manage this stuff via diet, herbs and other natural methods. (My degrees are in Natural Health and Naturopathy).   Now.. notice I told knight he could have ONE piece of pizza, and no more. That was a concession to the situation.. I didn't think he should have any grains at all because we went out to dinner this past Saturday and he ate burritos (flour) at the restaurant. This stuff builds up in his system and the affects accumulate. He needs a full week between eating things that cause reactions in order to minimize the impact.

Anyway... not 15 minutes after I picked knight up from work I knew, from the way he was acting and talking, that he ate more than one piece of pizza. He was talking unusually fast, repeating himself three and four times, and just couldn't seem to keep on track of his conversation. He'd start the sentence with one point, and end somewhere completely different. I cut him off mid-sentence and asked him if he had more than one piece of pizza.

He looked at me, kind of stunned. "Only two."

"I thought I told you to limit yourself to one."

He sighed. " That's why I didn't have the third slice that F kept trying to push on me"

"But, you're not married to F. You're married to me, and I said to limit yourself to one. I didn't think you should have any because of the Mexican food on Saturday. One piece was my compromise. You know you react to that stuff." I was visibly irritated.

"But F wouldn't leave me alone, she kept insisting."

"So, you gave in to a 60 year old woman, and now you have to deal with me. You're hyper, and spacey.. and you're babbling uncontrollably. Half of what you were saying made almost no sense. You are reacting to the flour, MSG and whatever else was in there."

"No, I'm not. And besides they ordered Hawaiian. I've never seen anybody order Hawaiian except us."

"That is no excuse. Stop trying to rationalize it. I said no more than one piece, and you blew me off,."

"This is exactly the crap you pull that causes me to doubt and drop the dynamic."  I couldn't say too much more because the kids were in the back of the van. 

The ride home was fairly silent between. I was thinking about how best to handle this.  Knight was obviously upset with himself.

Once we were home I told knight that I was cancelling our plans for the evening because of the pizza incident. The kids were around, so I didn't say to much else.

After the kids went to bed, knight and I sat by the fire and talked. I told him that it was garbage like this - intentionally and knowingly ignoring my requests that get us into trouble with the flr. He tried to say that he never intentionally ignores me. I called his bullshit and pointed out that he knew I said one piece of pizza, and he didn't do as I asked. Knight didn't say much after that. I told him that he agreed to the flr.. asked for it, in fact, and that I expect him to follow the rules. I told him that I have no desire to play the "make me listen game." I expect him to be an adult and follow the rules.

I asked him, "Do you want the flr?"


"Then, you are expected to follow my requests without playing the "let's see what she'll do IF" game. Every time.. all the time.. you are expected to do as I ask. That IS what you asked for, right?"


"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

He sighed. " Just that I screwed up . I'm sorry."

I repeated that this is the kind of thing that causes me to drop the flr out of frustration, and if he wanted to keep the dynamic, he would NEVER pull this shit again.

Then I said that I promised him I would deal with everything under the flr dynamic, and that included this.  So, he would be punished. I told him that
 I didn't have anything off the top of my head. "I never expected you to blatantly ignore my requests.. I'm disappointed in you. I need a few hours to come up with an appropriate punishment. I will let you know what it will be by bedtime tomorrow."  I also told him that his orgasm has been postponed until punishment is given out and fulfilled.

Knight didn't say anything. I dropped it, and we curled up on the couch to watch this week's recorded Walking Dead.

When we went to bed, I asked knight if he understood what he had done, and why I was angry and disappointed. He said he thought so.

So... now  I have to come up with a punishment. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Knight gets to Come Tonight...

...unless he somehow manages to royally screw up today....

His last orgasm was October 26.

Knight has had several really good weeks. He's been doing his best to be open with me about his thoughts and feelings regarding flr topics, and he's been trying very hard to follow the rules, and complete his daily task list.

There was a point on Sunday morning where he was totally and completely confused about what I wanted from him. I don't understand where his confusion came from. I thought I was very clear - I told him to make breakfast for him and I, and wash the breakfast dishes before we went hiking. But, then I put my legs cross his lap while we were sitting on the couch eating. I didn't move my legs, so he didn't get up to wash breakfast dishes. I was waiting for him to say he was ready to do dishes, and he was waiting for me to move my legs so he could wash dishes. The end result was that dishes didn't get done until I finally said something, but they DID get done. I handed down a mild punishment for not asking me to move so he could get up to do dishes. Knight took the punishment, even though he didn't agree, and that was the end of it.  Knowing him the way I do, I should have expected him to simply not ask me to move. His comment was that, he assumed he was exactly where I wanted him, doing what I wanted him to do, because I was comfortable. At the same time, I want him to learn to take a bit more initiative and  not need step-by-step instructions. "Make our breakfast, and wash our breakfast dishes" seems pretty clear to me.

Either way, he handled it well, and has been doing well other wise. So, I'm going to let him come tonight. I sent him an email telling him that he was being rewarded for good behavior tonight and that reward included "a bit of playtime, possibly a camera, and permission to"not stop".  I have to be cryptic because his computer at work faces the room instead of a wall. It might effect his reputation at work if one of the other tech geeks (all guys) happened to catch the word "orgasm" as they walk by knight's computer.

That kind of stinks, too.. I used to send him sexy stories, pictures, and videos written and/or taken just for him while he was at work. It was fun to send him a nude pic, or story about what I would do to him when he got home. It made for a fun way to tease him throughout the week. But, he was in a cubical, with his computer facing a wall.. and no chance of anyone else seeing it. Those days are over. It's not as fun to send those things for him to open when he gets home..

Anyway... I plan on starting to tease him before he gets home. Through the course of our evening, I will call him into our bedroom to tease him several times before the kids go to bed. After the kids go to bed, I'll spend a good hour or two teasing and playing with him before I finally let him come. Of course, the two hour tease is nothing unusual around here.  I have a lot of fun watching him squirm for long periods of time. Most of the time he doesn't get to come at the end of it, though.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Wow, You Have Him Trained, Don't You?

My 9 yr old and I both sing with a local choir group. Today we had an outdoor performance. The stage was a large flat bed trailer. Someone had leaned a metal door looking thing up to create a ramp for the performers to walk up on stage. It was steep, and I was wearing boots with a two inch heal on them. When I started up the ramp, I lost my balance just a bit and went back down the ramp. One of the gentlemen in our singing group offered to assist me. I thanked him and told him I was fine. Knight was sitting in a chair in front of the far side of the stage. I looked at him, and made a small motion with my hand. Knight immediately got up and came over to help me up the ramp. 

Once we were settled on stage, and before we started singing, one of the women in our group leaned over and very quietly said, "Wow, you have him trained, don't you?" I smiled and told her that he probably expected me to have trouble getting up that ramp since my balance is iffy because of the MS. "I wish my husband kept an eye out for me like that," she said.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Balancing FLR and Parenting

Is this an odd topic? I mean.. parenting and flr should be separate, right? Who crosses the two? I don't know about most women, but for me being "Mom" is a huge part of who I am.  I'm "Mom" before I'm anything else. It's been that way since the moment I learned I was pregnant with kid #1, 22 years ago.

  Sure, I'm other things: author, tech geek, head of a homeschool family,  musician, songwriter, wife, speaker of 3 languages, herbalist, naturopath, Reiki Master,.... etc., but before all of those things, I am "Mom" to six great kids. Two of those kids are young adults, and are out in the world making their own lives, one kid lives with her "other family" in another state. But, just because they are grown or live elsewhere does not change the fact that they are my kids, and they come first.

Now, before you go and tell me that my beliefs and attitudes set women back 100 years, understand that this is MY choice. I homeschool my kids, and have stayed out of the "out of home workforce" (I do work from home), by my choice. I don't do it because my knight wants me to, or because society tells me to. I don't give a rat's behind what "society" may or may not expect from me, and while I do care what my knight wants from me, he does not get to decide if I stay home with the kids. That decision is mine alone, and I expect him to support that decision whether he agrees or not. I do it because it feels right to me. I expect other women to make the choices that feel right to them, and I will firmly defend their right to make that choice whether I agree or not.

That said.. it's hard to feel sexy -- to feel sexily dominant - when I am home with the kids all day. From the minute I get up in the morning, until the last kid goes to bed at night, my focus is on being the best mom and teacher I can be. That includes running both my businesses, because I believe it's important to teach kids how to make their own money. My main focus is  being Mom. In the evening, when knight comes home from work, I'm expected to merge "Mom to the kids" with "leader of our marriage, and dominant partner."

I still don't know how to do that. Sure, I send knight his daily task list, and I manage all the house business, money, and calendars. For the most part, knight does as I tell him.. (the on-going issues aside), he does as I tell him all the time, regardless of who is around. If you asked my kids who is in charge around here, all six would tell you "Mom" with no hesitation.  I'm not talking about the every day routine stuff. I'm talking specifically about being flirty, sexy and dominant behind closed doors. I have a hard time flipping that switch once the kids are in bed.

I know the kind of dominant wife I want to be. I've given this a lot of thought. I think I know what kind of dominant my knight needs me to be. I think he needs to feel my dominance strongly. Experience has shown me that.

I want to be the dominant who teases often, who ties him up and makes out with my friend, or plays with my favorite sex toy in front of him.. just out of his reach. I want to be the dominant who punishes him when he needs it without worrying about what the kids will think if they find out. I want to be that wife who plays with his cock when he opens or closes a door for me, and who flirts and teases relentlessly. I want to send him erotic stories that I've written just to get him thinking about me at work.  Why? Because these  things turn me on.. they make me happy.  Okay. .the punishment thing does not turn me on, or make me happy, but I realize it's necessary.

And, yet, when the kids are in bed, and knight and I are locked away in the privacy of our bedroom I still have a difficult time turning off the mom part and turning on the sexy.  That's not to say that I baby and mother my knight. I don't. But, the mom part of me stops me and says, "you're a mom, you're not supposed to feel sexy. But, I know that's  not true. Those thoughts are not fact, are not real.. they are something from the back of my head.

I have an easier time of it when I'm away from the kids for an hour or two, but that doesn't happen very often. Ever try to find a babysitter for a 13 yr old with Autism? Yeah.. it's not so easy. Knight and I haven't gone out alone in 6 months. That's probably a big part of the problem. I never get away from 'being mom" Mom's are expected to always be in "mom mode". When you have a special needs kid it's even more demanding. Without time away from the kids I never get to switch out of mom mode. Sure, knight can take the kids out, or I can leave knight home with the kids and get a break that way.  But, the idea is to take the break together, so I can switch from mom mode to sexy dominant mode.

I'm not sure things are any clearer after writing this. Most of the time, writing it out helps, but this time not so much. I do know that if I could switch between the two more easily our flr stuff wouldn't get dropped or put on the back burner so often. The flr aspect of our marriage would be smoother.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Paying Closer Attention to His Reactions

The past few days have been unremarkable. Knight has been completing his daily task list, and has been meeting expectations without any problem. Most nights, I spend half an our or so in some sort of cock tease for him, which always results in an orgasm for me. Since we've gone back to FLR, knight has been slowly and steadily settling back down. He's talking to me more, and fighting the FLR less. It'll take us a bit of time to get things where I want them. But, we will get there.

I've been trying to pay closer attention to his moods and general attitude.  His attitude has improved a lot over the last couple of weeks. Last weekend, knight had kitchen duty all weekend - that meant he was responsible for all cooking and cleaning, and I expected the kitchen to be spotless by the time we went to bed on Sunday. It was punishment for not cleaning my cast iron pans when asked earlier that week. Before we reinstated the FLR, knight would have just blown off the extra kitchen work, and complained that I was being unfair about the cast iron. But, last weekend he stepped up and did exactly what I required of him without argument. It was a nice change. Earlier this week, I gave knight a shopping list and asked him to stop at the store with the kids on his way back from an activity. He did so, but let our 12 yr old talk him into getting an item that was not on the list. Our 12 yr old misunderstood what I was doing for his younger sister's birthday, and thought we needed white chocolate chips. Knight figured 12 yr old knew what he was talking about (because he usually does), and thought maybe I'd forgotten to send him an updated list before he left work, so he bought the chips. When knight and the kids got home, I questioned him about the white chocolate. When I told him he was wrong, he was gracious and apologized for not texting me for clarification.  Again.. a pleasant change from what I was dealing with before we went back to the FLR.

I have noticed, though, that knight tends to make little "mistakes" when I don't actively show my dominance. It doesn't seem to take much to make him feel my control over him. Simple things, like a request for him to stop what he's doing and make my tea seem to make him happy. Telling him "I want you to ..... " instead of asking, or standing at my car door and waiting for him to open it seem to make make him smile.

He is talking to me a little bit more, but I have to ask very specific questions; open ended questions usually get silence, or a confused look.

Hopefully things will continue to improve. I need to work on being more comfortable acting on things. There are things I'd like to do that I have not because I still feel silly and awkward. I'm working on getting over that, and forgetting all the times he simply didn't react when I tried to do something different in or out of the bedroom. We've talked about his freezing. He says he didn't know how I wanted him to react, and not knowing what I wanted caused a firestorm in his head -- he stood there questioning himself, and debating with himself about what he should do, and so did nothing.  I've told him exactly how I want him to react in new situations in the bedroom, so that should solve the problem. And yet, I'm still hesitant to introduce new things because of those past experiences. I need to step back from that, and give knight a chance to show me he will do as I asked.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

My Plans For the Evening

The past couple days have kind of "blah". There hasn't been a lot of obvious flr stuff going on because I've simply been too tired after a full day of teaching kids, doing necessary housework and running my two businesses.  My day starts at 530am, and I usually don't stop until 8 or 9 pm. 

I think knight is feeling a little neglected and I want to do something special tonight. But, I also want to spend some time building trust and communication between us, so I've come up with a little game.

The idea is to reinforce honest answers and trust while putting a bit of fun into this otherwise stressful and busy week.

After he removes his clothes this evening, I'm going to blindfold him. Then, I'll gather various items - massage oil, restraints, some of our sex toys, items of different textures, ect. I'll ask him a question about something he doesn't usually like to talk about.. flr stuff, mostly. If I'm happy with the quality of his answer, I'll do something to him - maybe a kiss, maybe lead his hands to remove some of my clothing, maybe let him a toy on me for a minute something like that. After a minute, I'll ask the next question. If I don't like the quality of his answer I'll either pinch him (nope not into pain), ignore him for a minute, or increase the restraints (yeah, he might not answer just to get tied up more.... but wouldn't it totally suck to get tied up and then ignored? It would for him)

I'll keep this up until we run out of things to talk about, or until he's closer to coming than I want him to be, or until he's so tied up from not answering me that I can't do anything else. In which case, I'll take off the restraints and go to bed.

 Nope, he won't get to come. It doesn't matter how honest his answers are, he's not allowed to orgasm.

Shaving Issue Resolved.

Last night I was going to go ahead and shave knight myself.

The plan was to wait until he got undressed, get all flirty and then blindfold him and tie him to our bedpost. After that I figured I'd play it up a bit with a little cock tease including the oil I make that he likes so much. After I had him good and going, I was going to leave our room and go get the clippers. Tease another minute or two and then turn the clippers on and take care of the shaving. I'd also decided that since I had to do this for him, I would go head and shave his chest, too. I figured that would make my point nicely. After I was done, I was going to take pictures to send to one of my friends.

I was ready to put my plan in to action. But, when we went into the bedroom last night, knight went directly to our vanity counter and grabbed his rechargeable moustache trimmer, and disappeared into our bathroom. I heard the trimmers come on almost immediately. He FINALLY did the shaving himself.

Honestly I found the whole thing kind of humorous because knight felt the need to hide in the bathroom to do this. Our bathroom is in our bedroom and it has an open floor plan. What that means is that there is an archway between our bedroom and the "dressing area".. which includes shower, bathtub, vanity, sinks, and closet. The toilet is in a small closet size room by itself. That is where knight hid to shave. Why? He's never been shy in front of me before, so why start now?

But.. whatever.. the job is done, and I've made it clear that I expect him to maintain it very closely. I don't want to feel stubble.

I was kind of looking forward to carrying out my plan.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Not This Time, Dammit.

Here is a snapshot of what goes through my head. I know what I SHOULD do.... I know what I want to do. Do I have the guts to follow through?

It's been a week since we agreed to reinstate our FLR. On Monday, I wrote, shared and printed a new set of rules for my knight. One of those rules is that he keep his private areas shaved. I seriously dislike body hair. Right now, I don't require knight to shave his chest and stomach, only his pubic hair.  I want it shaved completely, not trimmed.

Like I said, it's been just about a week since I updated our rules. He still has not shaved, and I'm starting to feel like if he won't even follow this simple directive that I'm wasting my time and energy. I've indirectly reminded him three times. "You need to re-read the rules, because you're forgetting stuff. You don't get to pick and choose." Maybe I'm wrong here, but I honestly expect knight to follow the rules simply because they are the rules. I don't feel I should have to enforce those expectations that I've written down for him. Yeah, we've been here before. Before when it was obvious that knight was disobeying me on purpose I looked for reasons, gave him another chance, got angry with him, got discouraged with the FLR, and finally just gave up.

But. Not. This. Time. Dammit.  I am tired of the back and forth. I am tired of feeling like he's humoring me with the FLR. He agreed to this.. has even admitted that he asked for it. I want that hair gone.. and he's going to get rid of it if I have to tie his arms to our bedpost, and do it myself.  It's not difficult, and he's done it fore. He's kept himself shaved at my request for the last couple years. He stopped shaving about 5 months ago, when everything went to hell.

 This might be kind of fun, once I get over feeling awkward and silly. This is one of those times when I wish I drank. Tying knight up and shaving him might be easier with a drink or two in me.

At the same time, I feel like I should not have to resort to making him shave. It's right there in the rules. Number 8, I think. Knight was given an opportunity to discuss the rules Monday evening, before they went into effect. He told me he had nothing to add and no changes to request. So, he did agree.

And.. this is the part I don't understand. He wants me to set guidelines for him, wants me to lead us, and direct his behavior and efforts so that I am happy. Okay. Then why ignore the rules? It makes absolutely NO sense to me. This is where we always trip up.. he ignores a rule and it sends me into wondering what his motivation is, if he really wants the FLR at all. Is he just being stubborn for the sake of stubbornness? I don't believe that. Knight does things without thinking, he often does not understand my priorities, and acts contrary to what I would have requested had he asked, but he's never stubborn with me simply for the sake of being stubborn.

So.. WHY does something simple, like shaving, have to come down to me forcing him to comply?  Is he hoping to push me into forcing the issue?  I wish I understood this, because it's incredibly frustrating.

I'm not giving up this time. He is going to shave for me. I'm seriously thinking about tying him to he post of our bed, putting a blindfold on him, and shaving him. There's a good bit of hair there. Maybe once I have him blindfolded, I should get the electric trimmers and use those. Let him seriously wonder what the hell he's gotten himself into when he he hears me turn the trimmers on. Maybe then he'll pay attention to our written rules?

Outside of this one issue.. and the part of our bedtime routine that requires him to strip immediately after locking our bedroom door each night, knight is doing well. He completed his task list every day this week, and is close to completing his weekend list. He's following the rest of the rules, without question. Of course, the other rules are things he does or doesn't do anyway.

Yeah. Knight is being shaved this evening.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

A Sweet Evening..

Weds. night was sweet.

Knight completed his bedtime routine almost without any prompting. I had to remind him to undress as soon as our bedroom door was locked. Once he was undressed, I reviewed his daily task list and we talked about flr stuff a bit. He said he's starting to calm down a bit, and settle in a little. He says he's starting to feel a little better.  

We settled in to watch this week's recorded Dr. Who. I remained dressed, and had knight lay with his head in my lap. As we watched the show, I played with his hair and ran my hands up and down his body. Knight has beautiful hair. He keeps it long, at my request. (I made a comment three weeks after we started dating - I told him I love long hair, and it would be fun to play with if his hair were long. He's only had his hair trimmed since)  His hair is longer than mine and I love playing with it. I love how his hair feels when it's spread out over me.  Playing with his hair calms me. Yesterday was a stressful day.. I needed calming and soothing. Running my hands through his hair, feeling his hair against me and massaging his scalp relaxed me and helped me let go of the day's stress.

After the show, I got undressed, had him curl up in my arms, and we went to sleep.

Thursday morning, I woke up early and woke him up by sucking his cock. I wanted to feel him get hard under my tongue.  I spent about 30 minutes teasing and edging him until it was time for him to get ready for work. I pulled him close to him, so that every inch of us was touching, kissed him deeply, and told him to get ready for work. He asked me for 5 more minutes just like that, and I granted his request. After the 5 minutes had passed, I told him to get up and ready for work, and he did.


Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...