Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Fairly Boring Week

We've had a fairly routine and boring week. My knight has been completing his task lists without any problems. I'm been mostly remembering to pull him into our bedroom when he gets home for a short reminder of why we keep the dynamic. I try to vary the coming home tasks each day. One day I had him masturbate for me, another I had him get on his knees in front of me and tell me his 2 favorite things about our flr. Another day, I had him strip for me, and I spent  two or three minutes playing with his cock before I told him to get dressed and walked away.

I haven't yet used the hook that I had him install in our doorway a few weeks ago. Last Saturday, I thought about it, but we both got side tracked watching a marathon of a British tv series. When we finally decided we were done for the night it was 3 am, and we were both tired.

I've decided that I'm going to edit the masturbation video he made for me a few weeks back, and post it on-line somewhere. Knight likes to be watched, and putting him out there for all the world to see is a good reward for him. In fact, I'm thinking about making and posting a series of videos of him, and then when he does something that pleases me, I'll post one. I'm working to make our average world a bit more sexualized.  I don't exactly have a high sex drive, and it's easy for me to get busy and put off sex play for other things. At the same time, I think about sex a lot, and play out fantasies in my head almost daily. Then, when knight gets home, I don't act on those thoughts because I'm never sure how he'll react.

I still haven't given him the chastity device that I bought. It's sitting in a dresser drawer. Actually, I haven't given it to him yet because I'm 99% sure it's to damned small. I ordered a cheap off-brand from an unknown company, and now I regret it. And, again, I have no idea how he's going to react. I've brought the topic up four or five times, but gotten no real response. Either he ignores my comments, or gives me a non-committal answer that tells me nothing. He does that frequently, and I don't get why. Is it because he's not interested and doesn't want to tell me, or because he IS interested and is afraid of how I'll respond, or does he simply not care either way. I have no idea.

But the idea of having him locked sometimes and teasing him about the device sounds fun. I wrote a story a week or two ago about making him work a bit to get me to unlock him. In the story, after he was unlocked, I edged him several times over the space of an afternoon, but locked him back up without letting him orgasm. It was a fun little story. I haven't let him read it yet.

There are other things I'd like to do to him, things that really get me going when I think about them, but again... I don't do them because I don't know how he'll react.

Hmmm.. maybe it's not that I have a low sex drive, but more that I'm not doing the things that turn me on because I'm uncertain how my knight will react. Which, when I think about it, is stupid because he has fantasies that he won't share with me because he says he's afraid I'll think are "too extreme."  Again with the communication problems between us.

That's the root of our problems, isn't it. Lack of communication.

Monday, March 23, 2015

General Life Stuff

I've noticed that flr has invaded our entire life. Even when I'm not being blatantly dominant, it comes out in the way knight and I interact with each other. I'm talking about subtle differences between us that people outside our house wouldn't really notice. Even before we openly adopted the flr lifestyle, my dominance was obvious in our relationship.

My friends "see ifhusband would mind stopping at the store on the way home."  By contrast I "email him and have him stop to get...."

The other day my adult daughter remarked that her boyfriend would prefer she not move her dog in with them because he's not much of a dog person. My daughter agreed to respect his wishes. When knight and I got together and I decided I wanted the kids to have a dog, I told him, "we're going to the pound this weekend to get a dog."

When knight and I started talking about getting married, I didn't wait for him to ask me.  I picked the date,  planned the ceremony, and asked him if there was anything important he'd like to add.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom about their finances. I offered to help her with a bill. My mom got worried. She was concerned that my knight would be upset. "Mom, he doesn't mind. And, even if he did - I handle the budget and all of our finances. It's not up to him."

Speaking of my mother, a few years ago, when we lived in the same city, she stopped by for the afternoon. Knight took it upon himself to handle the kids, cook dinner, make tea and snacks for my mother and I so we could visit in peace. My mom commented that I shouldn't let him do that, because he'd feel put upon. She kept telling him to sit down and let us do it. When he was out of the room, I told my mother that she should leave him alone because he always takes care of things when people are over so I don't have to. She was speechless. (this was WAY before flr)

At church, a few weeks ago the choir director was struggling to move the church piano. Knight was across the room from me. He caught my eye - his question was unmistakable, "Do you want me to go help her?" I nodded my permission. A few days later, the choir director told me she saw the exchange between us, and wondered what it was about. I told her the truth- that he was getting my okay to help her move the piano.

The kids know that Mom is in charge. My 12 yr old son will occasionally ask knight, "did you ask Mom if we can......."

I make comments to my older daughters that I need to "put that on his list."

When talking to people, I've always mostly referred to my knight simply as "him" or "he". I don't do it intentionally, but I've always done it. For example instead of saying "Knight went on a business trip last week." I'll use He instead. My mother called me on it once, saying it was disrespectful to my knight. My answer to her was.. "who ELSE would I be talking about?"

Friends have to check with their husbands before they make social plans. I simply tell him what our schedule is and what I'm doing.

I've been asked, "won't your husband mind?", and I think it's the dumbest question. Of course he won't mind. Why would he?

What's my point here? I don't know. I read I'm- hers post about a conversation with his mom, and it got me thinking about how my marriage is perceived by others.

When it comes down to it , I don't really care what other people think about my marriage. Unless they are part of my marriage, it's none of their concern. But, reading his post did make me realize that I've seen changes in my own mother recently. My father is controlling and when I was a child he was abusive toward my mother. She has spent the last 40 something years putting up with that man's crap, and I will never understand why. But, I talk to her sometimes about the way my marriage is structured. We haven't had an open conversation about flr, and we never will, but I make it a point to make comments like, "it's okay, Mom, I control the finances." or "He's not going to mind, I decide where we go,  and what we do." Recently, made the comment that I would have my knight "look into it for her."  And, that when she was ready, I would have him take time from work to fly to her to help her move.

She's not openly commented on any of these things, but the other day she told me that she was going to do something or other and that she wasn't giving my father any say in the matter. He would do as she told him. She also told me that she was intentionally keeping a person away from my dad because she thought the man was a bad influence on him. These are positive changes for my mom - she's not letting my father dominate her anymore. She's standing up for herself with him after 40+ years of marriage, she's putting her foot down and making her wishes known. I'd like to think that our conversations have something to do with that.

I say I struggle with flr, but in reality flr is a very ingrained part of our marriage. It always has been. I've always had the attitude that I expect him to do what I ask of him. Our day-to-day flr is subtle, but it's there.  I'm working on being less subtle about it. But, if you look, his submission to me is in everything we do.

Monday, March 16, 2015

The Weekend......

.......did not go as I had planned. Friday night my knight took 2 of the 3 kids to our weekly Friday evening event. Kid 3 was grounded and couldn't go, so I stayed home with him. Originally, I was going to have my knight say home with him, but by the time knight got home from work, my eyes were wonky, and I thought driving  home after dark would be a bad idea, so I stayed home. I had a romantic evening for two planed, but knight and the kids didn't get home until almost 1am. I was expecting them home by 10pm at the latest, but things ran long. That being the case, I was glad I decided to stay home with the boy.

Friday afternoon, knight emailed me asking if he could work on Saturday. The company he works for had a big several-day- event, going on, and 2 weeks ago the CEO asked my knight if he would be the official photographer for the event. No problem. It didn't occur to either of us that the last day of the event was Saturday until late Friday morning. When my knight realized the final day was Saturday, he emailed me and asked if he could work. We had plans for Saturday, but it was nothing I needed him here for - I was planning on dragging him and the kids yard sale-ing with me. I can do that without him. So, he got to spend Saturday the same way he spent all last week -- taking pictures of some really cool people. On my yard sale travels, I found a beautiful cedar chest in great condition for a really good price. They guy knew what it was worth, but just wanted it gone. I didn't have the car space to get it home, so I arranged to have my knight pick it up after work.  And......he got lost getting home after picking up the chest. What should have been an hour drive, took him closer to 2. There was construction, and the chest was in a neighboring town. Knight is good with directions and rarely gets lost. By the time he got home, it was after 9 pm.

Sunday morning, I decided that my knight deserved a small reward for good behavior. He's done really well since our very serious discussion on the 10th. I wanted to do something that reminded him that he's done well, and at the same time reinforced the dynamic. So, I woke him up around 6 on Sunday morning for a long, slow, intense, tease session. I teased, and edged him off and on from 6 until 11 am, when the kids started banging on the bedroom door.  I didn't let him come, but guided him to give me 4 orgasms.

My knight has been perfectly well behaved since our talk last week. Now, I have to remember to keep on top of things, and keep the dynamic in the forefront of everything we do, to help him keep it up. Things start going well, and I back off on the intensity of the flr, and it all falls apart from there. I've said it before (even if I'm not so diligent about doing it), I need to make sure my knight feels my presence, and my control of him all the time.

Here's to trying again..........

Friday, March 13, 2015


I used to be spontaneous, and completely uninhibited in the bedroom. I was assertive, sometimes aggressive, and pretty much always got what I wanted when it came to sex. After my first husband and I divorced, I was a little unsure, a little more reserved, but after a few years, I mostly went back to being uninhibited in the bedroom. Then I met my knight. We talked for months before we finally met. Our discussions covered every topic imaginable, including sexual fantasies. When we started dating, I noticed that he was a bit more reserved than he had made himself out to be. With everything else he had going for him, this wasn't a deal breaker. Eventually, we moved in together, and I learned that being spontaneous and springing new things on him in the bedroom caused him to freeze up and go hide in his shell. I kept trying, knowing that he wanted to get over this particular problem.

I asked him why he froze up on me.

"I don't know how you want me to respond, " was his always his answer.

Now, keep in mind, this was before flr, before I understood that he was a submissive guy and wanted me to teach him exactly how I wanted him to act. Under the assumption that we were in a "typical 50/50 " kind of relationship, I didn't know what to make of his comment. (of course a LOT of things he said make no sense under the assumption of a 50/50 relationship)   I told him I didn't want him to react in any specific way. (yeah, stupid, I know.. but I didn't know any better at that point) I knew he had a really rough time with his ex-wife, and I knew her issues and hang-ups and phobias had seriously colored his view of sex, and marriage. I figured it would take time for him to stop freezing and expecting the worst.

Except, eventually, I started getting hurt by his reactions. It wasn't intentional, and he wasn't trying to put me off or push me away.  I would do something he didn't expect and he'd freeze up on me. Later, he always apologized and explained what  had happened in his head. But, even so, the damage was done, and eventually, I became reserved in the bedroom. I was less likely to put him in a situation where I thought he'd freeze. I told him how his reactions were making me feel, and why I was less assertive. He apologized, asked me not to stop doing the things I was doing, and assured me he'd get over it.......eventually. But, I did stop. It wasn't intentional, but I felt rejected when he froze like that, and there wasn't anything he could say to make it better. I started second guessing every my every move when we had sex. I stopped initiating sex, suggesting fantasy play, and stopped trying new things with him. These things didn't happen all at once, it was a gradual process that took years.

It sucked. 

Eventually I realized what had happened, and we talked about it. Things got better, but I was never as uninhibited as I had been before.

I thought I was over it, but yesterday proved to me that I'm not. I had planned on taking my knight into our bedroom when he got home from work, ordering him to lie on the bed, on his back,and then moving so I was straddling his mouth so he could use his tongue on me for a few minutes. This was to be yesterday's "coming home ritual."  I was planning for this right up until the minute he walked in the door. At that point, I saw in my mind all the times I had tried similar things and had them fall flat because he froze on me. That is a lot of "rejection" to run through your head all at once, and even though I knew each of those times that he was not intending to reject me, that is how it felt. Anyway.. my knight came in, put his laptop away, and dropped to his knees to put his head in my lap. I stroked his hair, and asked him if he missed me, and then let him stay there, nuzzled into my lap for several minutes before I told him to get up, and go get his dinner.  It was sweet, and served the intended purpose, but I didn't follow through on my intentions because of how my knight reacted to similar things in our past.

I don't like that I did that. I want to push our flr forward, not stay stuck in our same rut. And, the only way  that can happen is if I can get over the feelings of hurt and rejection from several years ago.

And at the same time, I'm angry with myself because if I had understood what he was asking for all those years ago, and simply TOLD him how I wanted him to react, I would not have felt hurt or rejected back then.

A lot of things would have been easier for us if he had simply come out and told me what he wanted from me, instead of spending years dropping hints that I didn't have the reference to understand. I know he was afraid of being rejected because of his desire to be submissive, but, knowing would have saved both of us a lot of hurt.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

New Routines, New Expectations

I've learned (again, sometimes I 'm hard headed) that I need to make a solid effort to keep flr in the forefront of everything we do. My knight needs to feel my dominance over him in a way that helps him know he's loved. To that end, I've decided that the first 5 minutes after he comes home from work, should be dedicated to re-establishing a connection between us.

The plan is for us to go into our bedroom as soon as he gets home from work. I'll have him do something that enforces the dynamic, and at the same time, reinforces my love and acceptance of him. For example, I might have him kneel at me feet and tell me what he missed about me during the day. Or, what he loves about the dynamic. Maybe I'll wear a skirt, and have him kneel under the skirt and use his tongue on me for five minutes. What ever I come up with that day. I'm going to make a list of things that seem to work, so that I don't always have to think about it.

Yesterday was the first day of this new routine, but I wasn't going to be home when he got home. The youngest and I had church choir practice, and knight and I passed each other on the highway. 

On choir days, I leave knight a note in the kitchen to remind him of what needs done while I'm gone - which kid needs to do what, and which kids have screen time, and who does not. Yesterday's note was a little different. I put numbered the tasks in the order I wanted them done. Number one read - "There is a note for you on your pillow. Have J dish up dinner. Go into our bedroom read the note and do what it says."

The note on his pillow read:
"1. Go get my camera. It's on the island. Come back to the bedroom. 2. Strip completely. 3. Get on your knees and set up the camera so you can take video. 4. Masturbate for me for 1 minute. Pretend I'm sitting here watching you, and put on a show for me. You are not allowed to come. 5. At the end of the minute, get dressed and then turn off the camera. 6 Leave the camera where it is, and go eat dinner. "

I didn't get any texts from my knight while I was away, so I had no idea what he thought of the note. He likes to be watched, so I knew he'd get a kick out of making a short video for me, but I wasn't sure how he'd react/ feel afterward. I shouldn't have worried about it. He obviously enjoyed the experience.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

To Sub Hub in Phx:

I know you believe I should have spanked him. But, after a lot of thought, I decided that spanking a man whose root problem at this time is that he was just forced to give his daughter up for adoption because she is seriously mentally ill and violent is kind of counter productive. He feels like he let her down. He feels useless because he could not help his daughter. Last weekend was the last time he will ever get to speak to her. This is happening to him because of outdated opinions about mental health care, not because of something he has done. Adoption of his daughter was forced on him by a case manager who didn't even bother to read the file, talk to the kid's therapists, or any of her caregivers. It was forced upon him by a judge who "orders whatever the case manager asks for regardless of what is right." He has a right to be hurt and angry. He does not have a right to take that hurt and anger out on me. What he needed was understanding, and to be offered another way to cope, and to be given a way out of his depression.  My knight is currently at the lowest point he has ever been in his entire life. Spanking him as a punishment would only serve to bring him even lower. He was dealing with feeling like I hated him because he allowed himself to be forced into giving his daughter up for adoption. We did everything we legally could to avoid this moment. In fact, our lawyer claims we are the only case she has seen to be able to put it off as long as we did under similar circumstances. My knight did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. The issue is a very ill little girl, with a genetic condition, and a system that chooses to believe children can not have mental illness.  Because of the flaws in a very bad system, he will never see or hear from his daughter again. In fact, legally, she is no longer his child.  He is devastated, and has been fighting to hide that deep pain from me, and from himself.

Spanking him for the first time under those circumstances would serve to make him feel worse. Not better. He acted out towards me out of deep and overwhelming pain. And he has been for several months. He needed to know that he belongs to me, and that I love and accept him as he is. Spanking him would not have accomplished that.

I believe punishment should serve to change the behavior the person is being punished for. Spanking him would not have done that. Honestly, no harsh punishment would have accomplished that. Forcing him to see and acknowledge his behaviors, and the pain and stress they have caused me will go much further. He needed all his defenses stripped away, so that he could release the emotions that have been ruling him. Spanking him, would not have served that purpose.

Had I spanked my knight last night, he would have become more angry. Not at me, but with himself. Having him feel worse would not have served my purposes.

I'm pretty sure that when I do spank my knight, he will see it as fun sex play, not a punishment.  Again, counter productive to my purposes. How do I know this? Because I have been known to turn around and whop him one, more than once for minor rule infractions or simple dumb comments. Not a full bare-assed spanking, but a simple swat across the arm, hand chest or ass when he mildly displeased me. I did it to gauge his reactions. He enjoyed it.. egged me on for more, in fact. That shows me that he would enjoy being spanked. It will happen. But on my terms, on my time, and certainly not at a time when he needs to understand the seriousness of his behavior.

That does not make me any less dominant than a woman who spanks as punishment. If he's going to enjoy it, it's a reward, not a punishment. Just because I do not dominant my knight in the way you think I should, does not make me any less dominant. In fact, I dominate my knight exactly as I choose to -without regard to his kinks.

Yes, I struggle with the flr sometimes. The things that make me struggle with dominating my knight have more to do with my knight's history, than with me. I do not wish to break him.  He spent 10 years trying to live out his submission with a seriously mentally ill and violent woman who abused him in every way possible.  His submission made her angry, and she abused him.(No, I am not talking S/M or kink here, I am talking real, domestic violence situations. He was in hell, but was so submissive to her that he assumed he must have deserved that kind of treatment.) That is why I struggle with dominating him. I am a Dominant who takes my submissive's needs and wants seriously. I live by the creed of "first, do no harm" and strive to help him heal. Before I engage in any dominant behavior I must be sure it will not harm him psychologically.  I don't mean to make him sound fragile. He was 10 years ago when we met, but he is no longer fragile. My care and dominance have done what therapy could not- I've helped him heal, and helped him start accepting who he is and what he wants.

His past is why he struggles with his submission. He allowed his submissive nature to lead him into a dangerous situation. He was young, and didn't understand the differences between submission and abuse. He is learning that is is okay to kneel at my feet and be submissive to me. He's learning that it's okay to show me his submission, that I will accept it graciously. He's learning that he can talk about what he wants/needs without being beaten, abused, or berated for it. It's been a long hard road for us getting this far. When he first admitted he wanted me to be "in charge" as he put it, he did it on paper,  in as round about a way as you can imagine, and couldn't look me in the eye for a full week afterward.

If he did not have this particular history, I would have no second thoughts about spanking him as a punishment, or handing out harsh punishments. But, my knight came to me damaged. I am his Queen, and I am helping him heal.

No offence intended, but unless you've personally been caught in a truly abusive relationship with a mentally ill woman because of your submissive nature, and unless you have had a child forced from you because she had the same genetic, violent mental illness as her mother, you have no room to judge either of us. Submissive guys have it hard in our society, and I'm not denying that you probably had your difficulties and struggles too. But telling me that I'm not doing it right, or that we're in the wrong roles, because my version of Dominance doesn't line up with your kinks or needs does not help anyone.

In this particular case, I believe my knight was trying to push me into spanking him. Giving him what he wanted would have been allowing him to "top from the bottom." I may not be a leather and whips Dom, but I do not allow myself to be manipulated. He wanted that spanking, was begging for it with his actions, in fact. And I refused to give it to him because that would be a reward for bad behavior.

His Punishment

I gave his punishment a lot of thought. I wanted to make the absolute point that his behavior was completely unacceptable. I wanted him to understand exactly how much he's upset me over the last several months. I wanted him to see the displeasure in my eyes, and feel it in my body. I wanted there to absolutely no misunderstanding that I was unhappy with him. I also wanted him to understand exactly what he did wrong, and more importantly how he should handle it in the future.

I thought long and hard about tying him to that hook I had him install in our room last night and taking a padded golf golf club handle to his bare ass. In fact, I wrote over 2000 words about how I was going to make him strip for me, blindfold, and then tie him to that hook. I went into great detail about how I would tease him until he was hard and dripping, and then take the blindfold off and put a mirror in front of him so he had to watch me beat his ass in the mirror. In the story, I gave him 10 good, hard swats with the moderately padded golf club handle, and then I blindfolded him, shaved him, brought him to the edge four or five times, and then iced his cock down, and put his new chastity device on him. In my story, when that was done, I removed the blindfold once again, and took pictures of him and his new device to be posted here. Then, and only then, did I release him from his binds.

As I sat on our back porch pondering my short story, I asked myself what happened next. I wrote a few pages about how my knight reacted to the punishment, and if it helped changed his attitude, and helped him understand WHY I was upset and hurt.

It didn't.

I realized that in part, that is exactly the treatment he wants, and if I give it to him, I could be encouraging more of the same. I've decided the scene I wrote about should be used to explore wants, needs and interests, rather than as a punishment. It would serve as nothing more than fantasy play, and right now, he does not deserve fantasy play.

So, I shelved the idea for a later time.

Instead, as soon as our kids were in bed, I called an early bedtime for us. We sat on our bed, and he heard, in depth, and repeatedly exactly how he made me feel over the last few months. I pulled out every single incident when he was rude, disrespectful, whiny, unreasonable, and straight out hurtful. I told him very bluntly what I though of his actions. And then I pointed out every time I cut him a break, was understanding of how he's been feeling, tried to help him, tried to get him to talk to me, etc. Then I went back to the bad behavior. I reminded him that his self-described role in our marriage is to make my world easier, and make me happy.I continued showing him exactly how he had upset me and telling him just how far below the expected he was acting, until he was in tears. Then, I softened, and told him what I expected of him, what he could/should have done differently, I told him exactly what I needed from him, and pointed out that blindly following directions without thinking about it is being passive aggressive and that's unacceptable. When I was certain he understood the expectations, and I was certain he had no more walls to hide behind, I talked about how I knew how devastated he is by the issues with his daughter, and I pointed out that the problems started way back in January when we found out what the outcome would be. As he lay on my chest, with my arms protectively around him, I reminded him that we have these kinds of problems every time he tries to bottle up his feelings. I told him that he's fallen into another depression and has been pushing me away. His behavior, and my hurt and anger are the results of that.  I reminded him that I am here to help him cope with the tough stuff, and that he doesn't need to hide his feelings from me. At that point, he had no defenses left, and he cried for his daughter. For the first time since this mess started 7 years ago, he cried for her. He released some of the hurt, disappointment, and anger associated with the whole mess. I held him tight, and stoked him while he cried. When he was done, I made love to him, deeply and passionately. He remembered to stop me every time he got to close to coming, and he made sure I was completely and utterly satisfied after three orgasms. I held him in my arms after we were done. his straining and desperate cock against me. He settled in contentedly to go to sleep.

That's when I flipped him over on his back, and edged him. He struggled to keep from coming. Finally, I leaned in and whispered in his ear, "Come for me, my baby."  He did. He came long and hard. Afterward, I moved him so he was lying on top of me and reminded him the he belongs to me. He is mine, and I want all of him -- the good and the bad, and the in between, the boring, and the "extreme", and that I want him to hide nothing from me, because I love him and he's mine. It's also at that point that I remembered that I want him to go back to saying "thank you" after I let him come.

"You forgot something." I told him.

I felt him tense. He said very hesitantly "What?"

"I didn't have to let you come."

"I didn't expect to." He said, still hesitant and unsure.

"I know you didn't, baby. What are you supposed to say?"

He nuzzled further into me, "Thank you, babe." Then, very quietly, "I thought you were mad at me."

"Nope, I've just decided I want you to start saying thank you afterwards, again. If I knew then what I knew now, I never would have stopped it." I told him.

Unfortunately, he was mostly asleep, and had no clue what I was talking about. I told him to go back to sleep and I'd explain it later.

We settled in to sleep better than either of us have slept in weeks.

Depending  on how I feel tonight, I'm planning on tying him to that hook in our room, and taking care of the shaving he has been putting off.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Am I Wrong Here?

Last night, my back was killing me. The ms makes joints and muscles really stiff and painful sometimes. Thankfully, it doesn't happen often anymore, but it does happen. Last night I woke around 3 in massive back pain. My back was so stiff I could barely bend. I got up, went to the bathroom, and came back to bed. Sometimes when my back is like this, I can use my knight to twist my back into the one position that relieves the muscle spasms. So, when I went back to bed, I tried to move into that position against my sleeping knight. He woke up halfway and startled. When he startled, he wrenched his arm out from underneath me and rolled over onto his side. When he yanked his arm out from under me, it wrenched my back and increased the pain in my back 10 times over. I didn't say anything to him, it was an accident and he was mostly asleep. I moved so that I was lying flat on my back without a pillow until the spasms eased a bit.

At some point, my knight woke up. Most likely it was my silent crying that woke him. I was in a LOT of pain. Keep in mind, I have given birth to 4 kids without any medication at all, when I fell off a bus and broke my ankle, I cussed up a storm, but did not break a tear. Last night, I was in so much pain I could do nothing but cry. He woke up and asked me if he could do anything to help my back. I told him there was nothing he could do to help my back because I know he does not have the arm strength to massage the muscle spasms away. I couldn't think much farther than that.

So, my knight rolled over and went back to sleep. He left me there, lying on our bed, unable to move, crying because it hurt so badly, unable to think clearly enough to ask him to get me a kava or my CBD oil. (both are muscle relaxants) He did nothing to help relax me, nothing to comfort me. He simply rolled over so he was facing away from me and went back to sleep. 

I laid there in that kind of pain until 5 am. Eventually, the muscle s
pasms calmed enough that I was able to roll over on my side. By 6am, I could move my head again, but only about 1/4 inch to either side. I managed to get myself out of bed without help. There was no help to be given. Knight was already in the shower, and had not offered to help me up before he went. Again, I was in too much pain to be able to think about it.

When knight came out of the shower I told him very clearly, "This is why I say you're not there when I need you." I went on to try to explain that if the roles had been reversed, I would have stayed up with him, offered Kava or CBD Oil, stayed up and rubbed his temples and forehead because that relaxes and calms him, and I would have stayed up with him and done whatever I could do to help.

Again he told me that since I said there was nothing he could do for my back, that he took me at my word, and did nothing.

He insisted that he did nothing wrong. I told him that THIS right here is why I tell him that I have to do and handle everything alone, and that he is never there when I need him. I told him he was being a complete dick. 

He started trying to defend himself again, and I told him "Shut up. Just shut up. Listen, and maybe learn something." I followed that up with an explanation that he does this to me frequently, and behavior like this is the reason I say he's never around when I need him. I backed that up with a few recent examples. All of which he tried to make excuses for. Most of these excuses started with the phrase, " I didn't know what to do."

I told him that last night he had 4 choices: 
1. Offer to get me some Kava, CBD Oil, or Ibuprofen 
2. Sit with me and do things that might calm me down so I could focus on getting rid of the pain.
3. Try working on my back and sticking with it long enough to do some good.
4. Do nothing

I told him, I would have gone with choices 1 - 3.. ALL of them. I pointed out that we knew this is what I would do because of past experiences. It IS what I do when he is up because of pain or nightmares. I stay up with him and do everything I can to ease the situation for him.

He chose number 4. To lie there and do nothing. 

To make it worse, by the time the pain eased enough for me to be able to think and realize that Kava or CBD oil would help, he was sound asleep. I tried to ask him to get my CBD oil. I got no answer because he was asleep, and I could not move enough to wake him up.

So.. here is the question. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to stay awake and be there for me though this. Am I wrong in expecting him to take over at that point and do what I needed him to do?

Or am I right and he was just being a dick?

I'm asking because it's been hours, and I still can't get him to see my side of this. He insists that since I told him there was nothing he could do for my back, that he's off the hook. For the record, I never said that I didn't want his help. My exact words were, "You don't have the upper body strength to massage my back long enough or hard enough to do any good."  (and I know this from past experiences. If he starts massaging my back and doesn't get those muscles relaxed, then when he stops the pain gets worse. He can't push hard enough or long enough to make a difference. When my back is spasming like that, I'm not sure anybody can)


Friday, March 6, 2015

I'm Still Here

It's been a very stressful couple of weeks. Between my stepson with Autism (did I mention that Autism and being a 14 yr old boy is a very difficult combination), the legal stuff with my mentally ill stepdaughter, and my Knight's inability to cope with either, I am stressed out, angry and frustrated.

Deep breath.....................

The legal issue with my stepdaughter is resolved. Although, not in a way that makes my Knight or I happy. Let's just say that we took on "the system" and "the system" won. Wednesday was a very sad day for us. Now, we need to take the time to recover. My knight needs to come to terms with the result of all this. He .. no.. WE did the very best we could for her. Over the past several years we both stood up for her rights, and her needs, as well as the rights and needs of our 5 other kids. Personally, I think we did a kick-ass job of managing everything under circumstances more difficult than many people can imagine. My knight, of course, is blaming himself. It's not his fault. Sometimes you just lose -even when you're right, even when you have the moral high ground, and even when you have done every single darned thing possible to make it work.. even then, sometimes you get kicked in the teeth. All we can hope at this point is that someday, she will be willing and able to hear, see and read, the truth. I am keeping all the video and audio recordings,  notes, medical records, therapy notes, and court  documentation from the past 10 years, so that if she is ever interested I can produce proof that what we have told her is true and honest. That is, of course, if she chooses to come back to us after she is an adult. To that end, all I can say is this: Princess, I love you. I have always loved you, and I always will love you. Your dad and I did the best we could to find you the help you need. I hope and pray that you find a therapist and the right balance of meds to allow you to follow your dreams, and lead your life to it's fullest potential. Be happy, my sweetlove. Go forth from this point and do your best to do all you can. When you are able and ready to come home, your father and I will still be here for you. We always have only wanted the best for you. Even though I'm not your biological mother, I have loved you like my own since the day I met you. If I failed you, I'm sorry, and ask your forgiveness. I did my best. I hope you come home -to your real home- when you turn 19, so that we can pick up the pieces, and build a new relationship. All  my best to you, my dear. I'll see you in a few years.

What does any of this have to do with FLR? Not a damned thing. I'm posting this here, because I feel the need to post it -- to publish it-- somewhere. And I can't do it anywhere else because of privacy issues.

My knight is not dealing with this very well. He's blaming himself, and cutting himself off from me. Never a good combination. He's been moody, difficult, and closed off. He's been ignoring all his flr rules, and when I mention it, he blows me off. Earlier this week, I offered him an opportunity to suspend the flr until we have gotten through the worst of the emotional upheaval of the situation.

He said no, he wanted to continue the flr.

But, he did not go back to following his rules. This morning I called him on it. His answer was that he's struggling to keep up. I got angry because I do way more around here than he does. I manage everything - money, kids, homeschooling, food menus, household chores, his writing schedule, his task list, social calendars, kid activities PLUS run two businesses.  While he goes to work, and comes home. 

But, once I calmed down I realized that him feeling like he can't keep up is a direct result of his feelings of helplessness regarding the situation with his daughter. All of his recent behavior is a result of the situation with her.

I need to find a way to break through to him, and get him to see that it's not his fault, and that walling himself off will not help.

No, he won't go to counseling. Well.. I take that back. If I insisted, if I gave him absolutely no choice in the matter, and I went with him, he would go. But I don't he would participate. Not out of stubbornness, but because he has dealt with mental health professionals for 20+ years between his ex wife, and his daughter, and his 14 yr old Aspie son. These experiences (especially with his ex and his daughter) have left him jaded, and angry with the entire mental health profession. (Our boy has a decent therapist, but I am the one who works with her with the boy)

Again, what does this have to do with flr? Maybe nothing. Maybe something. I'm wondering if I should still punish my knight for his recent rule infractions. Will it help? Will it make  things worse? I'm not sure.

One of the rules he's been ignoring is the rule to keep shaved. The chastity device I ordered finally got here the other day. I have not given it to him yet, but I'm considering being a total  bitch, and putting it on him even though he has not shaved. (I have reminded him twice in the last week or so).

Then again, I don't think the darned thing will fit him anyway. It seems way to small. That's what I get for ordering cheap, I guess.

It's going to take me a little bit of time to get back to normal. This whole thing with my stepdaughter has shaken me, caused me to question everything.


Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...