Do What I Tell You, and Do It Correctly the First Time.

I sent this to him just a few minutes ago with the following instructions: . "read it before I pick you up. If you are going to respond to it, do it before I pick you up. Any response you'd like to give must be given before 10 pm this evening. Anything after that will be considered invalid."
 
 ______

A note to my knight, from your very frustrated Queen. First of all.. I love you.


Is this really such a difficult concept? Is it really so freaking hard to do a job right the first time? Is it impossible to complete a simple job when you've been reminded every damned day for a week?

And.. when I call you on it, after I've given you more chances to rectify the situation than you deserve, more than I even feel is reasonable, instead of admitting that you screwed up, you stand there and make excuses. "But, I meant to do it", "But I forgot," "But I was working on the lights" (um.. NO, you had all freaking morning to fix my computer. All you needed to do was install the right software, it would have installed all by itself while you did something else),  "But, I thought..."  You thought what? I asked you to move the bookshelf. I called you into  my office and said "the bookshelf needs to go HERE"  It was clear, concise and to the point. AND  --help me rearrange my office-- was on your list. I called you into my office and was very clear about what that meant. Move the damned bookshelf.

NO. Just be quiet. Stop making excuses for your stubborn behavior, and do what I ask of you. You know me - I rarely ask you do do things I can do my self , and I have never taken advantage of you under the guise of flr,  so just shut up and DO what is requested.  Yes, I can fix my computer myself. I don't freaking want to. I asked YOU to do it -- a full week ago. I am STILL waiting.

Let me remind you of a few things:

1. You ASKED for flr.
2. You continue to tell me that you want flr.
3. You pretty much fall apart when the flr goes away
4. We argue a LOT when the flr goes away
5. I promised you that I would deal with every issue under our flr rules.
6. I give you every opportunity to fix a mistake before I get angry. You get more chances to fix it than you deserve.
7. I try very hard not to punish you, but you don't seem to be learning. Either that, or you have no respect for my feelings, or expectations. 
8. We are so much close.. the connection between us is so much stronger, when we are actively practicing flr.
9. You feel more secure about us and about yourself when our flr is strong.

I am getting frustrated, fed up and disheartened. I feel like I can't count on you (again), and I hate feeling that way. I want to be able to count on you. I want to be able to trust you, because without those two things, we have nothing. I feel like the flr aspect of our marriage is failing, and I don't want it to. I will NOT go back to the way things were before flr. I was miserable and unhappy. So were you. I do not want to end the flr.

What I DO want is for you to understand that when I ask you do something, it is not optional. I expect you to do it correctly the FIRST time and within the deadline that I've given you.

I shouldn't have to double check to see that it is done. You are an adult.

I shouldn't have to make sure you did it correctly. You are and adult.
And I shouldn't feel like I can't count on the man who is supposed to by my partner. You can count on me all the time.. there is never a time when I don't do what is needed. Even when I'm having an ms week. I still do what I need to, and I'm still there for you.

I am tired of feeling like the flr is all about you. Where do I fit in to this? Am I really nothing more to you than someone to plan your days and write task lists that you may.. or may not adhere to? Is my role in this nothing more to write lists, manage all the household tasks, and remember to cock tease you?  Is that all this is to you? We both know it means more to you than that.

Let me remind you again --- you asked for this. When it went away over the summer you became depressed, moody and difficult. You asked for it back. I agreed. So.. SHOW me that you appreciate it. SHOW me that it matters to you. Stop being so damned aloof about the flr stuff. I'm not going anywhere. I told you I would take the flr where ever IT led us.. that no matter where the D/s dynamic takes us, I won't bail on you. I meant it. So, start being involved in it. If it matters to you then SHOW IT! Don't know  how.. okay.. that is fair. Follow your instincts, do what is comfortable....or do what you thought about that isn't comfortable... Afraid of looking dumb.. dude.. not valid.. I take that chance with you often.. and when I do you usually just stand there looking confused. Besides, I won't try to make you feel dumb.

So.. here's the deal- you screwed up.

1. I asked you to move the music book shelf to my office over the weekend. I wanted it done BEFORE N and P flew in today. You didn't do it.
2. I asked you to fix my computer so I can boot up in Ubuntu. I hate Windows 8 so much that I'm considering taking the HP back and going back to my Dell. I want my Linux back! Last night, you admitted you had not done it, and then blew it off, making me feel like absolute crap in the process.
3.When I mentioned both of these things this morning you argued with me and made excuses. Then you got angry with me, like I had done something wrong or was being unreasonable. I was NOT. I am rarely unreasonable, and you know it. You showed a complete disrespect for me, my needs, and the flr. Bottom line in this was that I counted on you, and  you let me down... again. Yeah, I'm upset and hurt.
4.This morning, you tried to fix my computer, after I got upset with you. Okay, you get credit for trying.. BUT I told you very specifically NOT TO touch it , because you would be late for work. You can NOT try to make up something to me by making yourself late to work. You know how I feel about it. I should not have had to resort to telling you that if we didn't leave right now, you weren't going in at all. (because, remember, I need the car today so I can go to the airport and get N and P.
5. I told you what...? two weeks ago that you've been getting sloppy again, and asked you to remedy the situation. You have not. I will give you that things got a little better for a few days. But then, you went right back to being sloppy.
6. You have not been following your bedtime routine, either.
7. Shall we mention the headlight assembly? You ordered the wrong part. You spent over $300 on the wrong part. That indicates not enough research was done. You depended on somebody else's opinion, instead of calling the dealership and ASKING THEM for the part number you needed. We got lucky that the rep you had on the phone is accepting the return even thought it's against their policy. 


So.. what to do about it?
I will tell you that pretty much everybody who reads and comments on Qnk thinks I should start using corporal punishment on you. The general consensus is that you're either a. just being lazy because you know you can get away with it, b. pushing to see how serious I am about flr, c. trying to push me into using corporal punishment, c. taking advantage of my preference to talk about it instead of punish. I will also tell you that most of the guys who read Qnk, and a good number of the women, actually do get spanked or do spank when the guy screws up to the level you keep messing up at. For them, that's what the word punishment means. He screws up , she spanks him. He argues with her or fights the punishment, he gets it twice as hard and twice as long.

That's what they do. Now, I'm not completely comfortable with spanking you. I'll be honest, you've pissed me off so badly that I have thought about it. Several times. But, I eventually calmed down and backed away from that because it feels wrong to me. I do remember that I brought the topic up once, a couple years ago and you didn't answer me at the time. A week or so later you told me, "do whatever you think is necessary to get me to do what you need from me."  Was that consent for me to spank you? Hell, it might have been, I don't know.  You never talk about this stuff openly, and I wish you would.

Anyway..........what do I do about these last couple of screw ups? See.. I'm getting tired of having to double check you. And, I'm feeling very frustrated. I take time every day to think about, plan and write these lists for you, I took time to write your Morning and Bedtime Routines.. why? Because you want me to manage these things for you..  But, how do you think I feel when you consistently ignore them? Or when you pick and choose what you will do? Or when you argue with me, and get pissy when I point out that you messed up? I'll tell you how I feel - disrespected, like I don't matter to you, like my time doesn't matter to you, like you think I'm just here to manage your world. It's my understanding that flr means it's your job to make my world easier. Hell, you have defined your role in my life using those exact same words more than 20 times over the last 10 years. But.. ignoring my requests, and not meeting your responsibilities, not helping around the house does NOT make my world easier. It makes me feel like I'm doing everything alone..including the flr. 

So.. again.. what do I do about it?

Obviously there need to be some changes, and those changes probably have to come from me. Obviously I'm not strict enough with you. I let you get away with too much. I've been told several times that I shouldn't let you get away with ANYTHING. That every single screw up should lead to punishment because without absolute consistency you will continue to see what you can get away with.

Are they right?

It sure seems like it.

Do I really need to punish every time you mess up? The voices of experience tell me "yes."

So.. that will be the first change. No longer will I talk to you about it when you mess up, and then let it go. I will still talk to you about it, but at the conclusion of that discussion, you will be punished. If you make excuses for the mistake, I will increase the punishment. It's okay to disagree, it's okay to have a valid reason for not getting something done. "I forgot" is NOT a valid reason. No more 3rd and 4th chances.

How will I punish you? Not sure.. I will come up with something. I have a few ideas.

I won't resort to corporal punishment without your consent. Did you already give consent when you told me, "do whatever you feel you need to in order to get me to do what you need from me" ? Probably.. but that was a long time ago, and I'm not counting it as valid. 

But.. in contrast to other times, I am going to consider lack of a response as a YES. So, a NO will take action on your part. In other words, if you don't tell me NO, I will assume that consent is given, and I'll consider spanking you a valid and accepted punishment method.

I've also considered buying a chastity device and keeping you locked in it when you start messing up at home. I mentioned that to you a year or so ago, too and you never commented or responded to it.  Maybe I should consider it. Qnk readers think I shouldn't use it as punishment because you would just screw up to get locked up. It's possible, I guess. But, somehow I'm not so sure. Especially if I use it only as a punishment.  I dunno. At this point, I'm thinking it might be worth a try.  Do I have your consent? I think the "do what you think will work " comment from a while ago gives me consent to try it. But, I will give you the chance to revoke that implied consent. Again, if you don't actually say something, then I will assume consent.

What will the other changes be?

I expect you to show appreciation for the things I do for you. A simple thank you goes a long way. I don't have to write lists for you, I don't have to pay attention to your daily habits, and help you implement habits like taking your supplements every day. I don't have to spend my Saturday mornings in bed with you, and I don't have to spend time giving you those long teases you like so much. There are a LOT of things I don't have to do.. and I want to see that you appreciate them.

I need to concentrate more on what I want, rather than always being concerned how my actions effect you. I still tend to not do things that will inconvenience you, I don't ask you to go places I don't think you'll like. We almost always watch the movies YOU want to watch. Hell, I get tired of watching a movie each night..I'd rather do other things. I do all those things because I know YOU enjoy them. There are things I'd like to do, that I just don't mention because I'm not sure if you'll like it. But, when I suggest something I want.. you usually (not always.. but yes, usually) blow right past it.  I need to stop that.

You wanted flr. I have been trying to be a gentle leader.. trying to teach instead of get angry, trying to give you opportunities to change your behavior on your own, instead of punishing you. I have paid much more attention to your wants and needs than I have my own. I don't do things because of concern over how you will react. It has not been working. I love you, baby. I'm tired of feeling frustrated and let down so much of the time. I'm tired of being angry at you for not following through. And, I'm tired of doing the things you were supposed to.  We can't allow this pattern to continue. I am not willing to allow the pattern to continue... because I love you.

I'm not mad.. exactly. I'm frustrated, and feel... like you are not taking flr seriously. If we are running our marriage under flr, then, we need to RUN it under flr. Otherwise resentments and disappointments will set in on both sides. I want that closeness back.. I want us to be connected, We've had it before, and I want it back. I love you,
 

Attempt at Increasing Our Communication

I've started an on-going game of "20 Questions" with my knight. The rules are simple, I started by asking him a random question via email. I gave him 2 hours to answer the question and respond with one of his own. The rules state that each of us is expected to respond to each question within 2 hours unless the person answering is obviously away from the computer. I tossed that in there so my knight can't tell me "I'm thinking about it" and then never answer.. he's been known to do that. If the answering person does not respond in 24 hours they have to immediately answer the question, and they owe the waiting partner 2 hours of time. The person stuck waiting for an answer can choose to use that time however they want.  Yes, on first glance it seems to give my knight a say over my time, but I decided that for this purpose, that's okay.. if I don't like what he comes up with, I can always tell him no. Besides, it's unlikely that I will put off answering his question for a full 24 hours, even if he does come up with something unexpected.

My hope here is that we can use the 20 questions game to explore his/my/our feelings, thoughts, opinions,likes, dislikes on flr issues and maybe.. just maybe start to explore this thing a little more.

Part of our issues with talking about dominance and submission is that he stresses over trying to figure out what I want him to say. When I  ask him about his thoughts on increasing the depth of our activities he always answers one of two ways:
1. He starts talking about the practical day-to-day application of our dynamic. He tells me that his daily task list does a lot to reduce his stress, and help keep him focused on what I think is important.
or
2. He tells me "Babe, I don't know what you want me to say. "

I'm hoping a series of short, light-hearted, and sometimes random questions to which he gets to ask a question of his own, might get him to stop censoring himself and give me some real answers.

Too bad we don't drink.. I've considered getting him drunk and THEN trying to get him to talk about this.

I know some of you think I'm talking this to death,  I want to know what he feels, not what he thinks I want to hear. I would be more sure of myself if he had approached me with the request, but since it came from me as a way to avoid a divorce, I still still wonder....

More on Locking

I love this post from Tom at The Edge of Vanilla.

I do not currently lock my Knight. I might in in the future, but at this very second he's not locked. However, he is not free to handle his cock whenever he wants, either. It may be a part of his body, but it belongs to me, and I get to say if and when my Knight plays with it. I  get to say if, when and how he comes.

I love having that control. It's sexy. It's special. I love knowing that my Knight won't come and won't masturbate without my instruction.  I'm the only person on the planet who has that control over him, and that is just amazing.

My Knight has been having a rough time coming to terms with his submission. Yes, we can talk about it. Yes, he jokes about it sometimes. But when it comes to really accepting it, and being able to talk about what he wants, what it does for him, and where he'd like to see it go..? Forget it. Hell...he even hates the word "submissive." My Knight loves it when tell him he is mine, or that he belongs to me. Anytime I remind him the he belongs to me, it's obvious that those words make him happy down to his core. He seems to gain confidence and strength from being reminded that he is mine, and I expect him to act like he belongs to me. If I use the word "submissive" or "submission" his whole attitude is different. He tells me, "I am not submissive," even though his behavior and attitudes are completely
submissive.

Where am I going with this? I see it as the same kind of thing that Tom is talking about.  In his head, My Knight does what I tell him to because he belongs to me, and because I value him enough to direct and control his energy, sexuality and everyday efforts. In his head, (I think -- we have not been able to talk this out, so I am basing my opinion on his reactions and things he's said)  I show that I value him when I am the dominant partner. When I don't dominate him, my Knight questions his place in my life.

But in most media, submissive men are usually portrayed as weak. My Knight does not want to be (and is not) weak. He certainly doesn't want me to see him as weak. But, to admit to being submissive is to identify with those images given off by society as submissive.

Wait. I think I just solved my own problem.

Thanks, Tom.



NOTE: I am in no way saying that submissive men are weak. I am saying that the general impression given by media of weak submissive men is wrong, and damaging to men like my Knight. And that general media impression might be part of our communication problem.

Update on My Goals

2103 is the year for me to learn to lead intentionally. In my last post I mentioned that for January my goals are to be more specific in my instructions to my Knight, and to find three times each day where I can be more flirty with him.

So far I think I've done a good job being specific in my instructions and in giving my Knight deadlines on each list item.  Unfortunately, my Knight has been less than observant of those deadlines, and has been ignoring his weekly task review requirement. The writing assignment which I mentioned in my last post still remains uncompleted, despite my giving extra writing time, and new deadlines. I will admit that I am pretty upset with my Knight over this. The writing assignment was a lead in to our monthly goal review, which I have now had to postpone twice because my Knight did not do the writing assignment.  I want the writing done before the goal review so that my Knight has some clue what he wants to say when we talk. I absolutely hate it when I ask my Knight how a  particular rule is  or is not working for him and he answers with, "I don't know. It's the rule, what's there to say?"  He does it a lot. My feeling is that if he's not going to participate in the discussion, then why should I bother. For me to be content with the FLR, my Knight needs to be an active participant in the relationship. To me that means KNOWING how he feels, (even if he doesn't understand why), and sharing those feelings with me.

Even though I'm being more specific and giving hard deadlines of when I expect my Knight to complete tasks, he's been stretching those deadlines on things other than writing, too. For example, the other day told my Knight I needed him to bring in a file cabinet from the garage, and move it into my office. Three days after the deadline, the job was still not done. Once again I had to make the move to do it myself before he even started the job.

I don't get it.

As for the goal for being more flirty.. I have to say I've probably failed here just a bit. When I am discontented with my Knight I tend to be less touchy-feely. Since I've been irritated with him for not doing the writing assignment, I've not really wanted to spend the energy flirting or teasing him. So, no I have not met that second goal. I've tried.... but I feel that if he won't put forth the effort to complete assignments on time, then why should I go out of my way to be more flirty than usual? There have been no real tease sessions since he missed the writing deadline for the same reasons. Yes, there has been a little bit of cock play, but nothing out of our ordinary.

Obviously I am missing something here. But, I have no idea what that is.  I know several of you will suggest that I resort to corporal punishment when my Knight breaks the rules, but that is not going to happen. I have absolutely no interest in going there. I don't even have any interest in non-corporal punishment. I feel that my Knight should follow the rules, and meet my requests simply because these are my wishes. He agreed to be submissive to me.... to follow my lead, and my rules where ever they may lead us. So.. he should DO that.

We've been doing this for over a year... and I still don't understand him. It's not that I'm not trying, though. I do try to understand what he wants and needs from FLR. But when he won't talk to me, and won't complete writing assignments, what am I supposed to do?

A Little Game

I just emailed my Knight his daily task list for today. While I was typing his list, I decided to play with him a little. Task item number 10 for the day tells my Knight to find time to review our written rules because we will be playing a game this evening.

When we get home tonight I'm going to roll a pair of dice. The roll will randomly choose which of our rules is up for in-depth discussion. It's part of my attempt to help my Knight become aware and comfortable with his submission. We will explore how he feels about the rule, how following or acting on the rule makes him feel, and how or if that rule helps him to feel submissive to me. Then I'm going to ask him to tell me one thing I do, or he'd like me to do that increases his feelings of submission to me.

If he does a good job expressing his feelings, and he actually talks to me on the level I want, then I will allow him to come sometime in the next 24 hours.

If I am not happy with the level of communication I get from my Knight tonight, then there is absolutely no chance of an orgasm for him in the next 24 hours.

I'm really hoping the anticipation is fun for him. Early on I stopped telling him when he'd be allowed to orgasm, because it causes anxiety and stress for him. He was better off not knowing. But in my mind, this is different because I'm using his potential orgasm to encourage him to dig deep and tell me how he feels.   We'll see. The next item on his list is to tell me if the game is causing him anxiety.

Part of our challenges with FLM is lack of open communication. My Knight has been pretty uncomfortable with this part of himself. He wants to be submissive to me, but doesn't want to talk about it, and doesn't want to understand exactly what he wants or why. I want that communication. I want my Knight to talk to me about what he wants from this, and what pushes those buttons for him. Tonight's game is a first step in that process.  Plus, it's fun.

It's Starting to Make Sense

Over the last year or so, I have been at a loss to explain why our flr will skate along smoothly for weeks, even months at a time and then, all of a sudden my Knight will start acting like a rebellious teenager. He'll start "forgetting" things, do things half-way, become mildly disrespectful, stop listening and then tell me "well.. I though you wanted..... "  and stop talking to me about anything of any importance. What usually happens is that I talk to him about what's going on, he makes excuses about being busy at work or something equally lame.  I'll start handing down penalties for not complying with my wishes. He ignores or otherwise blows off the penalties. And we're caught in a circle. At some point (and that point comes sooner and sooner as I become more comfortable with flr) I get super-firm and tell him I have had enough of his b.s.. I not so nicely remind him that he has absolutely no choice in the matter. He is to do exactly as I tell him.  By this point, I'm frustrated with him, and more than a little angry with him for putting me in the position of having to hand down real discipline.  When my Knight realizes that I really am angry with him, the whole issue dissolves away. He becomes my sweet Knight again and starts doing as I ask, thinking ahead to evaluate what I or the kids might need at any given time. He starts completing his daily chores without reminders again, and just generally doing what is expected of him.  But it takes me blowing up and getting truly angry with him to get back on track.

That same scenario replayed itself over the course of our recent move. By the time we were actually moved I was so angry with my Knight that I could barley speak to him without yelling at him. Everything I asked of my Knight while we were moving things was done half-assed. Including loading the darn truck. I was having a mild MS flare and did not have the balance to walk on the truck ramp, so I carried things as I could to the porch for my Knight and daughters to load. My Knight just kind of tossed things on the truck without much organization. That single action caused us to have to make several extra trips with our van, and cost us a good amount of money in extra gas costs.  There was one day where he actually yelled at me for pointing out that I had asked him to do X and he had done Z instead. That, btw, is so completely out of character for my Knight that I stood there for several minutes, simply stunned.  I think that was the first time in 7 years he has ever raised his voice to me. And yet.. my Knight kept insisting everything was fine. Yeah. right.

I tried talking to him. My Knight kept insisting that everything was fine, and that he was doing his best. I know my Knight. I know what "his best" looks like, and what I was seeing was not even close. I ended up doing most of the packing and moving myself because my Knight was messing up so much.
Yes, moving is stressful.... but ...come on.

After we got everything moved over to the new house I gave him a couple days to adjust, and tried to talk to him again. All I got was that he didn't want to argue and that he hates it when I'm upset with him. But, no real explanation for his behavior. I told him that I was beyond fed up and that if he did not start following directions and giving accurate information, he would find himself sleeping on the couch for a month.

And then, last night it hit me. I was lying in bed, looking for patterns in these lapses he had and it hit me. Every single time he has started being passive aggressive one of two things have been going on. Either 1. we have been super-busy and had minimal time together, or 2. things had become routine.  So..  what do those two things have in common?

My time and attention.

If we are super busy then I don't have a lot of time to dedicate to "leading". It's at those times when my Knight is expected to do what I ask of him with minimal discussion, and minimal direction. When we fall into a solid routine, my Knight does not need constant direction.

Reading through that, it kind of makes my Knight sound super-needy. He is not. But, he is really bad about recognizing and expressing his needs. He learned from his  ex that even having needs was cause for all hell breaking loose. Over 15 years of marriage to that woman taught him never to express his own needs, and not to even acknowledge that he had needs at all. Bad things happened when he mentioned his needs. Sure, she's long gone. He and I have been together for 8 years. But conditioning is hard to break, especially when a person doesn't want to see they have been conditions. My Knight used to insist that his ex's behavior had little long term effect on him. But, I can see otherwise.

When I realized the commonality between all these events, I woke up my Knight. We talked about how he reacts when he feels he's not getting enough of my attention. While he didn't acknowledge that he's been feeling ignored, he didn't tell me I was wrong, either. I reminded him that total and complete honesty is the number one rule between us, and that I want to know how he feels and what he needs. Then I pointed out that under our flr  it's my responsibility to decide what he gets, when, and how his needs get met.. but that it's HIS responsibility to be honest with me about what those needs are.  I can't give him what he needs  if he won't communicate with me. Hiding his needs from me is counter productive to our flr, our marriage, and life in general. I went as far as pointing out that it was a survival technique he picked up when he was with his ex and it was not working for him anymore. And.. he has not needed it since we got together. It was a good discussion.. one that I've tried to have with my Knight many times. But, for some reason... THIS time he seemed to hear me. It seemed to sink in.

"I Like It Too Much"

I've been wanting to write this post for a few weeks now, but just have not had the time to sit down and  do it.

Six weeks or so ago, I was talking to my Knight about restarting the orgasm control. When we took our flr break tease and denial stopped. After his comment about his ex, I wanted to make sure my Knight understood the reasons why I am insisting on total control over his orgasms.  Toward the end of the conversation, I make the off-hand comment, "oh, come on.. you don't really hate it that much, do you?"

My Knight answered with, "No, that's the problem.. I like it too much." and he slipped out the door real quick before I could comment.

I let him get away with slipping out like that because it was the first time he's really admitted that he enjoys orgasm control.

Talking, talking and MORE Talking

My Knight and I use a written set of rules to remind us each what is expected in terms of our flr. When I suspended the agreement back it....July - was it?..... I deleted our only copy of our old rules. Think of it as the equivalent of tearing up a contract.  So.. now I'm rewriting our rules.

As part of the at process I am asking my Knight (again) about motivations, reasons, wants, needs, ect.  I  remember why I was so frustrated with him, and questioning all this before.  

My Knight is using phrases like "it's better than the alternative", "I don't know that I do enjoy being controlled", "no, I don't have an underlying need or desire to be controlled. What I have is an underlying need to see you happy" , "sometimes it's okay, and sometimes it reminds me of my ex" ,   "I am happy and content with the flr",  "It works for us",   "How can I not enjoy it, we're not fighting all the time",  "I don't feel controlled, babe". 

Not a very convincing argument in favor of flr. Of course, his behavior is, as it's always been, very positive toward flr. 

During the conversation my Knight said to me something along the lines of,  "of course I enjoy it, it's better than the alternative, isn't it? You'd do the same thing" .....

And there's the issue... I would NOT do the same. If I were in his shoes and my choices were:

     1. Hand over almost total control to my partner           or

     

     2. Go back to the way things were  between us 18 months ago

I would choose neither. I would end the relationship. Divorce would be better than door number one, and door number two was miserable and unhappy. 

So.. when my Knight says to me "it's better than the alternative" what I'm hearing is .. "eh.. it's better/easier than a divorce."

Which is seriously NOT the same as liking the arrangement, or enjoying the flr dynamic. 

And that's my hang up. I'm not sure how to get around it, either.  I care very deeply about my Knight's happiness.  If he's not getting anything from flr except a lack of fighting and less stress... then I don't understand why he wanted to reinstate it.  I'm not going to suspend the flr again... I promised him I would leave it intact unless he said the states "I don't want the flr anymore." But, at the same time I need to understand his motivations here.. for my own peace of mind. I have no problem being the dominant partner and managing/controlling things. Over the last 18 months, I have found that I enjoy it most of the time. .... BUT ... I don't want it at the expense of his happiness or contentedness. 

At the same time... my Knight SEEMS happier, more secure, more confident, less stressed, more content, more open emotionally, when I am the dominant partner. There is a clear difference in him between when we do active flr, and when we don't. Even before I suspended the agreement.. when I occasionally and accidentally dropped it by no exerting my control, my Knight started slipping back to old ways. He  became lost. When I made the effort to regain that control, he was happier and more himself again. 

When I point that out to him, my Knight always says he doesn't see it.  But.. I see it.. heck the KIDS see the difference in him 

There is a part of me that wants... no..needs to know that my Knight wants the flr.. that he enjoys the arrangement and that it makes him happy and content. Yes, I have behavioral evidence. I'm not denying that. But...... if flr is only "better than the alternative"  then.. who is to say the positive changes I see in my Knight are not simply from lack of conflict and not directly flr related?  

Many readers will probably think I'm over-analyzing this... and maybe I am. But that's how my mind works. There is a reason for everything... every action.. every behavior. And in writing our new rules knowing the reasons why he wants this... knowing that he does want this... leads to different rules than simply agreeing to keep the peace. 

Stuck in a Circle

You would think that with the teenager gone my Knight and I would be using our temporary free evenings to play and experiment with the more D/s aspects of this FLR we started.

You'd be wrong. The teenager has been gone for nearly a week and we've not done anything different than we usually do. I've spent a good portion of the day today mulling over the reasons for this. It's not my Knight's doing - he's pretty consistent in his daily routine, and in the evenings that routine involves checking in with me for further instructions after just about every activity. My Knight doesn't always do the right thing, but I believe he tries.

So....if the reasons for our lack of experimentation don't involve my Knight, then there is only one other place to look. That would be me.

I am still hesitant to experiment and push things to see how far my Knight wants to take this.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm still not convinced this is what my Knight wants. I still question whether he agreed to this because he wanted it, or to keep the peace and avoid divorce that was looming over our heads a year ago. I'm questioning whether or not this was the right path for us..... I'm questioning whether or not I"m "doing it right" (which boils down to whether or not I'm giving my Knight the guidance and direction he wants from me). I'm wondering how I can be a better leader for my Knight.. And wondering what he wants from this arrangement.

Which brings us right back to the lack of communication issue.

Each time I talk to my Knight about what he wants from our FLR arrangement he says almost the same thing. "I want you to be happy."

Now, I get that wanting to see me happy is a big motivator for him. BUT I still believe there is a personal motivation behind him wanting this, and THAT is what I want to know. Nobody is an empty slate.. we all have needs, and desires that we hope our partner will fulfill. Why won't my Knight share his with me? The fact that he continues to avoid sharing with me causes me to question if this is really what he wants. It's a never-ending circle. One that I really must find a way out of.

I suppose I could make assumptions and educated guesses about my Knight's motivations and act accordingly. I know him pretty well,and usually my guesses are right, or very close. But if I guess wrong I could end up hurting his feelings and damaging the trust between us. I don't want to do that. I've come to a place where I actually want him around again. I look forward to spending time with him. I'm starting to depend on my Knight again, and I don't want to do anything that might inadvertently put us back where we were a year ago. So, getting him to share his personal reasons for wanting this, and finding out where he wants it to go is kind of important.

Which puts me back on the hamster wheel because he won't tell me.

And yet.. I get the feeling that my Knight is waiting for me to bump the intensity up a bit with my teenager gone. Okay, I'm not unwilling, but it's a bit tough to know which way to increase the intensity if he won't tell me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I never expected this to be simple, but I did expect some input from my Knight.

More of the Same

Lately..the last couple weeks, I suppose, I seem to be getting a little bit of resistance from my Knight when it comes to following my instructions. Nothing major.. no outright refusals or anything.  But, a lot of "oops, I forgot" and "oh.. I thought that changed when X happened - I didn't know you still wanted me to do it"  kind of moments. It's annoying, frustrating and just a bit discouraging.

There was an incident yesterday where my I asked my Knight to drop off a huge bag of books to one of the charity based 2nd hand stores... again. These books have been in the back of our van for 3 weeks, waiting to be donated. Yesterday I reminded him for the -who knows how many-th time to drop them off on his way home from work. The donation site is less than one mile from his office so, really.. this is NOT a huge deal.. just get it done. Well.. once again it didn't get done. My Knight's "explanation"?

"I wasn't sure you still wanted me to make the stop since we're taking the kids to the lake."

Um. Yeah. Whatever. That makes no sense.. since I never said:

•  don't don't take the books for donation
•  I never said "come straight home" 
• we are in email contact all day long. There is NEVER a time during his day at work where he is unable to send me an email. He could have easily emailed and asked.
• Ditto for text.
• I sent him an email about mid-way through the day to remind him to drop off the books. 

And then.. last Sunday there was the breakfast bickering. My Knight got up late, and then spent 35 minutes following me around the house asking what I wanted for breakfast. Quite frankly, I wanted to go get my shower so I could get ready for church. But instead ended up standing in our kitchen discussing breakfast choice that could not have cared less about.. and Yes, I told him "I don't care.. just make something, I'm going up to take my shower."   My Knight started talking about running out to the store for something or other and it stopped me in my tracks. We were getting ready for church. The 6 of us had to be out the door and in the van in 20 minutes, if we were to make it on-time. We did not have the time for him to run to the store. After wasting another 5 minutes going in circles I finally told him never mind. I'll make my own breakfast that day.... and every day from here on out - not to bother. And then I went upstairs for a quick shower.

Interestingly enough.. when I came back down, my Knight had made breakfast, AND the tea he had totally forgotten about. And he has made breakfast for me everyday this week. 

It's these little things that make me go back to wondering if my Knight really wants FLR, or if he's just agreed to go along with this to save our marriage a year ago. I find myself wondering if he's doing some sort of passive-aggressive protest bs over specific requests of mine..

I realize that's a question none of you can answer... that I need to ask HIM. And I have.. many, many times. Each time he tells me the same.. "Yes, I want this." My Knight was excited and thrilled to receive his ring. That ring has not come off his finger once since I presented him with it. If I even suggest we take a break from FLR for a while my Knight tells me that's not what he wants.. that he's happy with and likes the way things are.  Heck.. every time I remind him that finances, or our social obligations, or planning things, or even scheduling when he will finish writing projects,  are no longer his concern - that is job now is just to do 

as I ask him,  he answers with "do you have any idea how much I love you" or something similar.  

Granted...... I have not asked him if he still wants FLR since I give him the ring, but as you can see from the breakfast episode, the mere mention of   "I'll do it myself" caused him to get over whatever his issue was and get the job done. And.. after he didn't drop off those books yesterday I sent him an email this morning asking if it would be better if I just went back to doing everything myself.  He dropped those books off on his way home tonight.

But... at the same time, my Knight has pulled the passive aggressive crap on me before. Saying he'll do something and then not following through because he really doesn't want to.. he just agreed to avoid an argument. Granted.. that was before the FLR agreement when we were both still pretty angry with each other, but .... it makes me wonder. 

I've asked my Knight to keep a journal of his feelings and thoughts regarding FLR, us, and life in general. But, he doesn't write init very often. Actually, he was really good about it for the first week or so, and then just stopped... when I asked him about it, he claimed lack of time. So, I carved out 45 minutes each evening for journal writing. But, he always seems to find a way to fill that time with something he "forgot" or "didn't have time" to do earlier in the day. 

I am looking at my Knight's actions and I see one of two possibilities here.. 1. He really is not into this whole FLR thing and is just trying to keep the peace  or 2. He's trying to get me to be more strict with him.

A third possibility would be that he really IS that forgetful.... but I don't think so. 

Could it be that my Knight is still so caught up in not wanting to displease me that it is still causing him to go in circles? That my insistence that I didn't care what we ate for breakfast on Sunday sent him into a tailspin of wondering what I *really* wanted?  And that finding out we were going to the lake when he got home made him wonder if I really wanted him to delay getting home by dropping off those books...and since he couldn't decide he did nothing?

But in the case of the books, why not just email me and be done with it?  A quick email asking is a heck of a lot more efficient than stressing and wondering. 

When I ask him these questions, he tells me likes the FLR arrangement --that he feels calmer and less stressed knowing I have everything under control. And I believe him. About the other possibilities, he tells me he doesn't know... or he's not sure.. or..... tries to change the subject.  Leaving me wondering what do do next. 

I never expected this transition to be an easy one. But I did expect to get some input from my Knight about what works best for him, and most importantly WHY. I have *got* to get him comfortable with talking about FLR and his own submissive tendencies.  I keep saying I'm going to try "conversation by cock tease" but, when it comes down to it I always feel so .... manipulative doing that. I've done it twice with mixed results. The first time my Knight answered everything I asked him. The second time he wasn't very forthcoming with answers. And both times, I felt like I unfairly manipulated  and took advantage of him. Even though we talked about the 'conversation by cock tease" approach, and he knew what I was doing, and he's told me more than once  "do whatever you feel you need to keep me on track"  I still felt like crap for manipulating him like that, and I haven't done it since. 

Maybe the whole manipulation issue is a whole different blog post.

Finding His Motivation

Things around our house have been fairly uneventful. For the most part my Knight and I have fallen into a comfortable D/s routine, I think. Most of the time my Knight finishes his daily assigned tasks. I was actually impressed the other night when I announced it was bedtime. My Knight asked my permission to stay up a few extra minutes because he had not finished washing pots and pans. I wasn't thrilled about going to bed alone, because I had plans to tease him a bit before we went to sleep. But I was happy to know he was taking that chore seriously enough to stay up and finish. I was sound asleep by the time my Knight came to bed, so he missed out on the playtime, but maybe next time he'll manage his time a bit better.

There have been a few little things that make me think I should get serious about adding some sort of daily action to remind my Knight of his submissive role. It seems that every couple days my Knight gets sloppy about one or another (or several) of his daily responsibilities. I can remind him, but it does not good. It's not until I chew him out that he starts paying proper attention to things again. This has been an on-going issue for years. Before FLR I would let it go for months before I finally got pissed and it turned into a yelling match.  Not meeting his household responsibilities was a *huge* issue for us. I couldn't depend on him for anything at all. Since FLR I remind him as soon as things go undone, and it really does happen less often. Sometimes it's putting gas in the van for me, other times it's making breakfast on-time, or cleaning up after himself in the kitchen or yard, forgetting to do something extra I asked of him -- little things. But what I find interesting now is that when I call him on these things, his attitude changes. He doesn't look me in the eye, he doesn't make excuses (not often, anyway), and his typical answer is, "You're right. I should have done it. I'll go take care of that right now." Before FLR he argued and made excuses as to why it didn't get done. I've also noticed that after he hears from me about something left undone he is more attentive to his responsibilities, and to me, for a while. Until the next time he starts slipping.

His pattern really makes me think he needs a daily reminder of who is in charge around here, and why.  I *thought* the tease and denial would provide that for him, but I guess not. I have him making my breakfast for me every morning for the same reason. I thought that maybe if the very first thing my Knight does every morning is something that serves me, it would give a reminder. It seems we need to have another discussion about why we're doing a FLR, and what he gets out of it so that I can better understand what motivates him.

Things Can Be So Clear Sometimes

So.. tonight my Knight and I went out to dinner and then grabbed ice cream to eat beside the lake of our favorite park.  It was obvious that something was bothering my Knight. He was quiet and withdrawn,  irritable with traffic and just not himself. Finally after a bit of prodding he admitted to being more worried about a situation at work than he had been letting on. After I gave him a chance to talk it out I pointed out that when you get right down to things, the only opinion that matters is mine. He started to point out that if these execs didn't like how he had handled things they could fire him. My answer to that was, "yeah.. and if they do.. who do you have face at home? Are they going to be part of your life 10 years from now? When you get right down to it...... the only people you are responsible to  are me and the kids, and the only one you have to answer to is ME. I expect you to do your best in everything you do, all the time. As long as you're doing *that* I'm happy, and when I don't think you are doing your best, I let you know."

This conversation turned into a long discussion about my expectations. I spelled it out for him.. the only opinion that should matter to him is mine. My opinion of his actions should even be more important than his own. There is a  solid reason for this -- my Knight is a perfectionist, that in itself is not a bad thing, but he tends to be way .. WAY harder on himself than a called for by any given situation, and his criteria for judging success is sometimes unreasonable. So, as a balance, he's supposed to check in with me before judging success or failure on things.. especially things that bother him.

"You keep telling me that everything you do is for me, right?" I asked him.

"Of course."

"If that's true, then my opinion is the only one that matters. I tell you when I think you've done a good job, and I tell you when I think you screwed up, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then....don't worry about what other people think. You answer to me, and me alone."

I reached over and rested my hand in his lap.  He was hard as a rock.

Clarification On My Last Post

After reading over my last post I think I was a little unclear. I believe our current issues with my Knight's non-compliance are more related to my lack of consistency and clarity than any real shortcoming or lack of interest on his part. This is all very new to me and sometimes I am very much less than perfect when expressing my desires to my Knight.  I try, but I'm fighting years upon years of "societal programming' telling me that I "should not" dominate my partner. Except I am starting to see that is exactly what he wants. He wants me to be clear on what I expect from him, because really.. how else can he fulfill those expectations. Part of my problem is that when he comes to me at the end of the day and asks, "Babe, do you want me to finish up the dishes before I come to bed?"  I almost always so no because it feels so unfair to me to "make" him stay up an extra half hour to finish dishes that I can just as easily do in the morning. Or when he says "Why don't I finish X for you while you watch a movie." .. Same thing. It feels unfair to me to send him off to complete some random task while I kick back and do nothing. I'm not built that way. I have always done my share of the work, usually I take on more than my share of the work.

I can see where it could get confusing and unclear for my Knight. On one hand, I've told him that I expect him to wash used pots and pans every single night. And then I tell him, "no, baby. I'm going to bed."

My Knight needs a clear understanding of what my expectations are for him, and I need to learn to stick to those expectations, regardless of what my "bossy sensors" are telling me. Because my husband needs clear and consistent guidelines from me.

I am going too write out a list of guidelines and expectations for both myself and my Knight to refer to. That way, when he is tempted to ask me, "Should I do X or Y?"  , we can both look at the predetermined list and see where his question fits into my established expectations.

Expectations Are EVERYTHING!

I am realizing that I only get from my Knight what I expect and demand from him, and not a hair more. Over the weekend we had a disagreement over some items on my Knight's daily To do List that consistently remain undone. I told my Knight very bluntly that I expected him to complete every single item on his list *every single day* unless I specifically say otherwise. There are a few weekly exceptions to that rule, such as Friday evening dishes because we are not home, but other than that I expect his list to be completed each evening before bed. AND I expect him to go to bed at the same time I do each night.

When confronted with his incomplete list-- some items went back over 4 weeks-- his excuse was that either there were other things going on and he was unclear what his priority should have been, or that he just did not have the time.

I looked at that list and told him that it was obvious to me that he no longer wished to continue our FLR arrangement. I told him that I have neither the time, energy, nor patience to play the "double check his work and hand out consequences for things undone" game. That by accepting the FLR arrangement he agreed to complete all assigned tasks and duties without fail, without whining, and without complaint. And he was not living up to that promise. I'm not into handing out punishments and if he is going to be my sub, then he simply needs to do what I ask. Period. Then I walked away.

The next morning my Knight was up early to start breakfast -- one of the chores he's been neglecting lately. He apologized, said I was right - I shouldn't have to double check his work,  and asked if we could continue our FLR arrangement if he was more diligent about getting his daily tasks completed. I agreed to give him another chance, provided that he understands how I feel about he punishment thing. If I have to hand out a punishment then he has *really* ticked me off. I tend to let minor irritations slide because it's not worth it.

Looking back, I realize that part of the problem may be simple uncertainty about priorities, but that a big part is expectations. My Knight would much rather spend his evenings curled up with me on the couch while I read, crochet, work, or watch a movie with my teenage daughter. Many times I allow him to do just that, instead of reminding him of the tasks he needs to complete before bed. He's come to believe that I don't really expect him to get those pots and pans washed. I'm just as content to have him sit with me. Which is sometimes true... until I realize that my hands are hurting because I've been slinging cast iron skillets four of the past five days.

I really don't require much of him in the evening. After dinner my Knight is supposed to wash any pots or pans used during the day. He also is expected to wash his dinner plate and my dinner plate, if I don't get to it while the kids are taking baths. (Each of the kids wash their own dishes,and  I wash most dishes used in dinner prep while I'm cooking ) After that, he is free to work on writing projects or whatever, if there is time before bed.

So.. I need to work on making my expectations clear along with the task list. My Knight needs to understand that if x, y or z happens, then THIS is the priority..but if l,m or q happen then THIS is the priority.

There are a lot of little details that I take for granted that my Knight either does not see, or doesn't know how to handle.

Didn't we deal with this issue a few months ago.. I guess I did some backsliding of my own... I need to watch that.

Interesting....

After two weeks of having all sex play removed from our relationship, my Knight is a totally different guy. It was 2 weeks yesterday since my Knight's indiscretion. I decided that whatever other punishments I might dole out the biggie was going to be planned, and intentional withdraw of my touch. I told him that was how it was going to be and reminded him that under no circumstances was he to masturbate at all. If I had any reason at all to question if he'd been playing alone it could become semi-permanent. My Knight knows from our pre-FLR fights that I can just "turn it off" especially if I feel he broke my trust. Sexual attraction is all in my head, and I can control it as easily as I can flip a light switch.

So, he's been on his best behavior these last two weeks. Attentive, sweet, helpful, *talkative*. That's the important part right there. Talkative. My Knight does not talk about his feelings unless I push and pry. It drives me nuts. When I ask what's wrong and he tells me "Nothing" when it's obvious something is bothering him.... it just pisses me off. But, this last week he's made an obvious effort to share his feelings with me. Not just about his recent screw up, but about everything. When I ask him what he's thinking he actually tells me, instead of giving me some general means nothing answer. See.. I demand total and complete honesty and openness from my Knight. About everything, including his thoughts. I want to know everything.. including no.. especially .. the stuff he'd rather not share with me. Why? Because a guy who allows himself to be that unguarded and vulnerable with his lady is just about the sexiest thing around.

It's not that my Knight won't share that with me, it's that most of the time he doesn't know how and I've been horrible about finding a way to teach him to let those walls down for me. He wants to.. but he's a guy.. and let's face it.. being vulnerable isn't something most guy are good at.. nor do most of them want to be.  Maybe I'm odd, but the guy who is willing and able to totally open up seems stronger than the guy who guards his feelings. My Knight is a very emotional being.. sometimes more emotional than I am. But, he doesn't often show it, not even to me. The past week has been different, though. He's been more willing to talk, more willing to open up to me. It's been wonderful.

I'm hoping his new found openness is because he's being denied, and not because he knew I was hurt and angry.

Time will tell. Here's hoping that he continues to be so open.

There's a Reason For My Suggestions

The other night I gave my Knight a reading assignment. I sent him two blog links, this one on obedience by I'm Hes, and the one I'm Hers wrote about us asked him to read through QnK a little bit since he's not read any of it yet, and I told him he could read through some of the blogs I follow, AND I told him where to find the list of blogs I follow.

He did that. And then went poking around a little bit and stumbled on some "kink stuff" and scared himself silly. When I got home that night we talked a little. My Knight said he found the reading "interesting." And he was still letting it percolate.

Something about the tone of his voice made me wonder what he'd read so I let him stew overnight and took the conversation to email the next day. Our discussion led me to really question what he read, so I finally asked him "What did you read OTHER than that assignments I gave you?" That's when I found out - he followed one link to another link to yet another link and landed on a BDSM kink blog -- something that I am absolutely not interested in.

He was just  a bit.... nervous would be a good word, LOL. When he finally told me what he'd read I asked him what the heck he was reading, because he didn't get it from the blogs I follow.

That's when I found out: My Knight couldn't remember my password for this account and so instead of reading the blogs I follow, he just kind of randomly followed links from one place to the next.

You know.. I really wanted to pick and choose what he reads on the topic of FLR for a while. While he's comfortable with our arrangement, he's NOT completely comfortable with the language used to describe it, and neither of us are interested in the kink aspect of it. (okay to be fair "kink" is in the eye of the beholder......I suppose light restraints, orgasm denial, watching me with someone else,  and FLR in general could be considered kink by some.) Some of what he read made him pretty uncomfortable. I gave my Knight assigned reading because I was trying to avoid that.

Ah.. well.. lesson learned. He won't go poking into any FLR or D/s blogs  without my approval again.

BTW....  my Knight liked what he read. Your post  inspired my Knight to do quite a bit of thinking about obedience. I hope he writes his thoughts for his blog, because he came to some interesting conclusions.

My Knight and I had a good discussion the other night.  The short version is that he's afraid of doing or saying something "stupid to screw things up."  Okay.. fair enough. This is new territory for me, too and I'm concerned about suggesting or doing something that might make him reconsider this whole FLR path. That, and I don't want to look stupid.  So, I get it. He's probably scared he'll come up with something so out there that I'll stop the whole FLR because of it.

But.... here's the thing. That's not going to happen. See... for us the alternative to FLR would be going back to the way things were before, and I don't even think that's possible. Before, my Knight was doing the stealth submission thing without even knowing it had a name. And it was annoying the living hell out of me. I mean.. seriously.. I found myself hoping he would work late, and avoiding doing things with him to avoid dealing with the way he was acting. I still loved him..... but his behavior was making me resent him.  I didn't have a clue and interpreted his refusal to make a decision.. ANY decision ..... as complete apathy.  Now I understand a lot better what he was trying to do.. so going back isn't even an option for us. Now that I understand a little bit about what my Knight was trying to do I no longer resent his past actions. Actually, I feel kinda dumb for not following through on this years ago.

The point is that when I decided to explore FLR with my Knight, I made the decision to make things work... even if it took embracing a lifestyle I was unfamiliar with. I reminded him of that last night and he seemed to relax a little bit.

Sure, it's possible he may suggest something I'm not interested in trying, but that's for me to decide. Not him. But, of course I can't make that decision if he won't tell me what he's thinking.

He's trying. The more we talk things out, the more obvious it becomes to me that he really has not given any thought at all to what he wants in regard to FLR stuff--- other than, "I just want you to be happy, babe."

While I was out last night I gave my Knight an assignment. I sent him links to two blog posts, told him to read those, and then read through QnK a little bit, because he still has not read my blog, and then write a bit about what he thought about what he read. He was also supposed to comment on one of the blogs he read.

He did the reading, and a little more besides. He said he read the two posts I sent him, and flipped through some of the blogs that I have linked to on QnK, then he read my blog. He didn't comment on any blogs though, because he couldn't remember my password for Angelique, so commenting had to wait.  I got home before he was able to write his responses, but we're talking about it this morning.

So far all he's said is ".....interesting."

Our Weekend and New Rules

My Knight and I have had some issues with unauthorized release lately. No, he's not masturbating. He's gone back to not communicating when he's getting to close to stop the release and so we've had a few instances of "oops. That wasn't supposed to happen."  That along with some things on his weekend list not being accomplished have led me to institute a few new rules and take a renewed interest in reminding him of some old rules.  I am starting with more intense orgasm and open orgasm denial, an increase in the expected and demanded communication, and a several time each day short ritual to reinforce that my Knight is in submission to me that reinforces the nurturing part of our relationship.

Here's the list I sent him this morning:.

(this one you should know, because we've discussed it)-- There will be no bjs for two weeks because of the "oops" on Friday. I may, however, tease you with my tongue just to make you squirm,  and remind you what you're missing out on because of your indiscretion.

I am adding time to your next "scheduled" release. I won't tell you how much time I'm adding, or how long it will be. Don't ask, and don't whine about it. If there are any more "oops" I will add more time proportionately for each one.(example, 1 day for the first one, 2 days for the second. 4 days the third, 8 days for the forth and so on)  Obviously, getting irritated or frustrated over it and doing it  yourself is NOT okay with me and we'll have to look at more drastic measures if that happens.  -- so just don't.

It is however, okay-- expected even-- that you talk to me about how you're feeling about the whole thing. There is a difference between telling me how you feel or how its effecting you and whining. I'll let you know if you cross that line. I *want* to know how these things make you feel.

 Each "oops" will also result in my reducing how long and intensely I play -- to avoid pushing you over the edge.    How much time am I adding for each occurrence? I'm not sure I should tell you because  the last time I tried to discuss it with you, you got mopey, whiny and irritable.

Be forewarned, I will play less directly until you start communicating more. I don't want any more "oops" and that means I need to lay off a bit. That doesn't mean that *we* will play less and it doesn't mean that I will play with you less..... just that I will take you to the edge less frequently and less intensely for a while. You can show me you're ready to handle more by communicating with me.

Until you start showing more control and more willingness communicate, I am taking complete control in the bedroom. You can still start things, but you can't decide if or when you get to slip inside. If I allow you inside you will follow directions (spoken and unspoken) exactly.

I will start teaching you to respond more to my words. What does that mean? I'm going to experiment with actually telling you when you may and may not release. When you are getting close I want you to start asking if it's okay.

Do you remember when we first got together? You always thanked me after sex.   I asked you to stop because I didn't get it... it struck me as...... well.. exactly what it is.. a submissive action... but I didn't understand then. I do now. It was a mistake for me to ask you to stop and I want you to start thanking me again.  Except I want  you to tell me what you're thanking me for.

We need a daily ritual reminder of our dynamic. Something we can do three or more times each day. I'm thinking minimum - First thing in the morning, when you/we get home and right before bed. I will add times as I see the opportunity and the need. For example, anytime we are separated for more than 2 hours, or if you seem to be having a hard time following directions, or you seem flustered or upset. I also reserve the right to call it time "just because."  What's the ritual, you ask? We will take 10 minutes alone in the bedroom. We will stretch out on the bed, as close as we can, and you will suck and play with my nipples. This is not "let's get carried away and have sex" time. This is reconnect time. Time to stop the world, stop our thoughts and pay attention to taking care of each other. Time for you to get lost in being mine. It's an emotional reconnection.  (I am open to other ideas, if you think you have something that will work better)

I want you to start talking to me every day about how you are feeling. I'm thinking right before we go to bed either before or after our nipple sucking time, but any time will work for me. Tell me what we've done that day that encouraged you to feel "submissive" and what killed it. What you enjoyed, and what you didn't. I want to know what worked for you and what didn't.  How you're doing with the orgasm denial and how it made you feel that day. What, if any fantasies you had that day, and anything else that crosses your mind.  

We will start going to bed between 10 and 1030 each night so that we have time for the conversation and our ritual time before we fall asleep. If I forget we need to go to bed "early" I want you to remind me.

While I am at rehearsal tonight you will (in this order, after the kids go to bed)

1. Write that blog post for QnK.
2. Finish that form 
3. Wash the crock pot.
4. and if you have time, work on my office.

Shortly after I get home from rehearsal we will retire to the bedroom where you will snuggle up to me and suck my nipples for 10 minutes. Then I want you to grab the oil and give me a massage. I'll let you know what I want after that. 

He Doesn't Understand the Focus

Over the weekend my Knight and I were talking some more about FLR details.. you know.. where he wants to see this go.. how far he's looking to take this .. things like that. Bottom line seems to be that he doesn't know, but does want to explore it more deeply. During our conversation he made the comment, "I've always been like this. I really don't understand your focus on it"

Hmmm.. another one of those comments that just kind of threw me. Yes, he's always been submissive. I know that. He's been doing the "stealth submission " thing with me since day one, I just didn't recognize it until recently. He was submissive before I came along - I know enough about his first marriage to be sure of that, although that's not why they split up.

It's the not understanding my focus on it that surprises me. I mean... in order to chart our relationship to somewhere we both want it to go I need to understand his "submissiveness" - the why's and hows and what's of it. Because I even recognizing that he will go where ever I lead, I would like us to be on the same page. I never want to lead him where he truly does not wish to go.

Am I over thinking all of this by trying to understand what he needs and wants from being my submissive? I do tend to over think things, but understanding his submissive buttons is important, isn't it? You can't be a good manager or leader unless you understand what motivates those you lead.

That's my focus.... trying to understand and learn to put his submission to work for us instead of it working against us like is was before.

I'm convinced my Knight's lack of understanding of why I'm focusing on this is because submission is so deeply rooted in who he is. On Monday he said something that sums up to " I wish I could quit my job and devote every minute of my life to you." Those were not his exact words, but that they accurately reflect his meaning. I have no intention of turning the kids' education over to him and going back to work full time, so he's going to have to be content in knowing by working full time outside the home he is performing an important task for me. And.. someday, (hopefully soon) when we get our various businesses and freelance activities marketed well and they are able to support the family, he may quit his 9-5 job and work from home.

This is a learning process, more for me than for my Knight. He is finally able to relax and be himself without worrying about what I'm going to think. After 7 years I've finally recognized and accepted his submission instead of trying to force him into a mold in which he does not fit.  I'm not sure that he knows where he wants this to go..... or maybe he does and he's just waiting for me to figure it all out. I don't know.

Either way, it's my job to get over my reluctance to truly lead and explore this some more

Decisions, Decisions....

I sent my Knight a copy of  my recent blog post and told him the community here had lots of suggestions and I'd like to hear his.

At first he said that all he really wants from this is more time for "Us", because he never feels like we have enough time alone, and more writing time when possible.

I knew that already.

I tried to explain that he was talking about "life goals" and I was talking about "lifeSTYLE" goals. Not the samet thing. I reminded him that he still has a writing assignment due to me about what he wants from the FLR.. what he needs from it emotionally and where his fantasies want to see it go.

Then he asked me what the suggestions here were. And I boiled it down to, 1. find ways to remind him in everything we do that he belongs to me, 2. shock the hell out of him and push our "typical limits" until he starts forming opinions.

His response?? "IS there anything past our typical limits?"

Hmm.. I kind of take that as a dare. We live a pretty vanilla life as far as FLR goes. I have not, up to this point, put any real demands on him outside of orgasm denial and having him take over certain household tasks. I make all the financial decisions and I organize and determine his schedule. But in reality, I've been doing those things to one degree or another since we got together. There has never really been any question as to who is running things here. I took over, and he gave me that control  the day we moved in together. That was 8 years ago. The real changes over the past month have been mostly in me. I had to come to realize and understand that my Knight is submissive and I needed to overcome my "programming" that it was wrong to be a dominant woman.

So.. back to our conversation.We spent several hours back and forth through email and  I've come to the conclusion that my Knight really, truly is not sure where his submissive limits lie. He's never openly gone down this road before and even though being submissive is simply his personality he's not given it much thought. But he does want to see where this road leads for him and for us. So, I will follow I'm Hers' suggestion and start with small requirements that remind him constantly throughout his day that he belongs to me entirely.

I do love my Knight, and I love the changes I see in him when I am a strong leader. He is more attentive, a better husband and a better father. And most importantly, he seems happier, more content and more confident in himself. I want to nurture that happiness, contentment, and confidence.