Tuesday, January 31, 2012

How Open Are You?

Locked Husband has a poll up asking the guys if anyone other than their wives knows they're locked. While I don't lock my Knight, the question got me thinking about FLR, in general. Have you shared your FLR or D/s status with close friends or family? Is it obvious from the way you two interact in public that she's in charge? Guys, do you change how you react to your lady when you're out? How do you feel about your male friends knowing you submit to her? Does it matter? Do they hassle you about it? How does your lady feel about people knowing your dynamic? I'm curious.

As for us, when we're out my Knight doesn't change his behavior. He still defers to me, looks to me for confirmation and approval when needed. He's even been known to look at me for approval before helping women at church carry things. No words between us are needed --Just a glance in my direction and a barely visible nod from me. He's even asked me, “Do you want me to help her?” I never mind.. actually I'm proud that it's MY husband who has the reputation for being the sweetie who helps out.

It's been that way since Day 1. Friends who have known us for years come to me if they need technical help from my Knight. His best friend has been known to call me and ask, “Hey, can I borrow him for something?” Heck even people who have only known us a short time must pick up on our dynamic because many of those people come to me if they want a favor from him. It's just the natural order for us, I guess, even though it took me so long to realize it. Our kids even pick up on it – I get asked 10 times a day, “Mommy, can Daddy play (any game) with us?” or “Can Daddy help me with this?” It never occurred to me just how much FLR permeates our life.

I think friends and many acquaintances understood his “submission” to me before I did. Even my mother said something to me years ago. She and I are not close, and talk fairly infrequently, we see each other even less. But, she was at visiting us one day about 5 years ago and made the comment that I shouldn't let him do so much for me because he'd resent it. I think that was the 2nd time she'd met my Knight.

Those of you who have read my past posts know that I wasn't looking for a FLR, heck I just learned the term a few months ago! Before FLR my typical response was.. “What are you looking at me for. Make up your own mind,” or, “Do what you want, baby.”

Sometimes I wonder what the people who suspect say about us behind our backs, but people will always talk. And as long as he and I are comfortable with our dynamic, nothing else really matters.

I Love Tuesdays!

Today is my Knight's Friday. I get him all to myself for three days and two nights!

Before FLR I dreaded his days off. I knew we were going to argue and bicker all weekend and that I would spend all day Monday cleaning up the mess. Several times over the past 7 years I've suggested he find a weekend job so he'd be out of my hair.

Things are so much different since we started this journey. I enjoy and look forward to having him home now. We don't argue, I'm not frustrated or angry with him. His typical high strung personality has mellowed out and he seems content.

It's amazing to me how much of a difference simply taking control (acknowledging my control is more accurate) of my Knight's activities, tasks, and cock has made. Our conversations are even more intimate than they were. Before FLR I used to complain that he never talked to me about how he felt about things and didn't talk to me when he was upset. I felt like I was no more in the loop on his emotions than the cashier at the grocery store. Now my Knight talks to me about everything. He shares his feelings and most private thoughts with me willingly.. no prodding needed.

Over text earlier this week I said that I hope he realizes I have no intention of ever going back to 50/50. His answer? "Why the hell would I want to do that?"

Monday, January 30, 2012

A Realization

A Realization

My Knight said something yesterday that hit me like a ton of bricks.

First, a little background. My Knight's birthday is very close to Christmas. Most years he gets a cool party, and a small gift because we've spent all of our disposable income on Christmas gifts for the kids. He's always been okay with this because of course, seeing the kids light up on Christmas morning is way more important to him than any birthday gift could ever be. I always make his birthday special and memorable in some private way, but it's not with a gift.

Last year I received a book advance check a day or two before my Knight's birthday. My teen-aged daughters, not being aware of our private birthday celebrations, always feel bad that he gets shorted on his birthday. So they asked me if we could get him something BIG that year. My Knight and I were arguing constantly at the time. We were barely speaking and I was so frustrated and disappointed with him that I was considering divorce. The way I felt, he was lucky he wasn't sleeping on the couch for his birthday. If it wasn't for the kids I probably wouldn't have gotten him anything at all. I was THAT mad, and had been for at least 3 months.

I finally gave in to my teens and agreed to replace the camera he broke about a year before. He was doing a paid photo shoot and neglected to use the neck strap outside in sub zero temps. He dropped the cold camera on the equally cold sidewalk from about waist high. The result? Unrepairable camera and the end of his growing photo biz.

So, at the instance of my teens, I spent over $500 for the camera he wanted. A hair less than half my advance check. Later that night, I told him flat out that my feelings had not changed. I got him the camera because the kids insisted. “You're lucky,” I told him, “Your kids and step-kids think the world of you. Don't prove them wrong.”

Fast forward 3 or 4 months. Due to no fault of his own, my Knight lost his job. I lined up an ongoing writing gig for him. Not great money, but they pay twice a week and there's as much work as you want. If we worked it like a full-time job we could cover all the bills with it and keep ourselves afloat until he landed a new job. Not perfect, but definitely doable. I was in the middle of writing that book for which I received the advance back in December. I was putting in 12-18 hour days to keep up with the deadline schedule and keep up with my few other paying clients, plus I was homeschooling the kids and doing 95% of the housework by myself. I really did not think it was to much to expect him to spend 6-10 hours each day doing this bulk writing. It would pay the bills and keep food on the table.

Except he didn't bother doing the writing. He sat at the computer for hours “job hunting” and “networking” but never did any writing. There was always an excuse.. either the kids needed him, or I wanted him to do something else. But in reality he wasn't doing much with the kids and anything I asked of him went pretty much undone. Needless to say we started arguing much more than we already had been.

Our savings dwindled to next to nothing. Then one day he comes to me, “I'm going to sell my camera.”

I was livid. That camera that I spent half my advance check on when that money could have gone to other things.... he was going to sell it??!! I told him in no uncertain terms not to sell that camera. That I would never forgive him if he did.
He did it anyway.

I'm sure you can understand how upset I was. That was last year.

Fast forward to last week:

My Knight and I were talking about what to do with a $1000 check we're receiving in a week or two. He started talking about replacing his camera. It's still a sore spot with me for a lot of reasons. And, really there are better places for this money to go. I told him in no uncertain terms that I am not ready to replace his camera and I gave him a list of things I'd like to spend the money on. I told him I'm still thinking it over and deciding where the extra money will best help move us toward our goals. Then I reminded him that he agreed to give me total control. He's not buying that camera right now.

That night at work, he wrote me a long email about why replacing that camera is so important to him. Interestingly enough his reasons had nothing to do with photography, or missing his camera. He told me he knew he was screwing up last year and decided that selling his camera and giving up photography was an appropriate punishment for disappointing me. He went on to say he now realizes that was wrong too and wants to make it right. He wants to replace the camera but not use it. He told me he doesn't deserve to use it be He'll leave it sit out where he can see it, but won't use it until/unless I send him out on a photo shoot or otherwise give him specific permission. (note: he never did use the camera I bought him for his birthday. ) 

I was stunned. I sat and stared at his words. He's punishing himself for disappointing me. He's always punished himself for disappointing me. Suddenly all the stupid things he's done over the years that seriously pissed me off and left me wondering what in the HELL he was thinking make sense. All the times I thought he was intentionally sabotaging himself.. sabotaging US.. our dreams, our goals.. our life together-- creating a way out. He was really looking for a way to punish himself for making me unhappy or disappointing me. Since I didn't punish him (remember we've only been FLR since about August of last year) he punished himself. Of course his self-punishment was in some cases harsher than I would have doled out. And in all cases his self-punishment had an adverse impact on our family and me -- Something I would not have allowed. I finally understand his comments about feeling like he was in a hole he could never get out of.

I'm sure for some of you long-term lifestyle subs, this is a no-brainer. You understand it because you live it. But, this is new for me. We started on the FLR path because I saw glimpses of my husband while reading a little about the psychology submissive men. I also saw him in many of the blogs I'd read that are written by sub men. But I never really thought about the punishment part of things. I started giving him lists, and planning his tasks for him. We agreed that I have final say in everything. I made up a reward and punishment protocol but I never took the punishment part seriously.

I have a some thinking to do.

….this is a learning experience.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

An Appropriate Punishment?

I need suggestions. My knight is consistently not meeting a couple of goals I have set for him. Overall, it's not entirely his fault, but simply a victim of circumstance kind of thing. My Knight is supposed to work on his writing during the frequent lulls he he as at work. I assign one writing task each week, and it's my expectation that he complete each assigned task over the course of the week. I give him a full week because his downtime at work is pretty unpredictable. During the week he has three full days where he is at home and awake during the day. I have made it known that if his assigned task is not complete, then he needs to let me know so that I can carve out time during those three days for him to write. And that's where the problem lies. He has not been doing that, and his writing tasks have gone undone.

Part of the problem here is that writing is my Knight's dream. He is an amazing fiction writer. But, being the sub that he is, he routinely puts his writing off for other things. I have to assign him writing tasks, and tell him when to do them or his writing simply gets neglected. He's often told me that he writes for me, and he only writes when I tell him, “Go write!” Which I do often because his writing is important to me. Heck, his writing is as important to me as my own is. (yes, we're both published authors)

Since he writes for me and because I believe in his writing when he fails to complete his assigned writing tasks (which are based on the goals I had him write out for this year) he disappoints me. And of course, there needs to be some sort of consequence for that. But it's not a big enough rule infraction to pull a punishment from the punishment bag – some of them are fairly harsh, and I reserve them for serious issues.

I'm considering withholding a cock tease session for every unfinished task, but my concern is that might have unintended emotional consequences for him. My Knight craves my touch on an emotional level. I would actually classify it as an emotional need for him. In his head, if I don't touch him then I must be angry. When he thinks I'm angry with him (whether I am or not) he punishes himself far harsher than I ever would. So I need something that will get the message across that I am displeased but not angry... that I am disappointed and that missing these writing tasks is unacceptable to me, but that I'm still happy with him in general. It also needs to be something that will motivate him to put effort into telling me that he didn't get it done a work and needs time during his days off. ---Motivating enough for him to delay the gratification he gets from attending to my every want, need and whim on his days off and sit down to write instead.

Any ideas?

What about doing the cock tease session, but restraining him so that he can't touch me and then telling him that if he wants to pleasure me, he needs to finish his writing tasks?

Friday, January 27, 2012

An Apology

This morning, when my Knight came home from work, he looked exhausted. I settled the kids in their various homeschool assignments and told them I was going to go talk to Daddy for a minute. My Knight's eyes lit up when he heard me tell the kids. No matter how exhausted he is he never goes to bed until I tell him to, and I usually don't lie down with him because of the kids schedule.

We got into our bedroom. I had him strip and curl up around me with his head on my chest. He reached in my bra to grab a tit and played with my nipple like he always does while he falls asleep. While one hand rubbed his head and neck, the other gently played with his cock. I told him to relax and go to sleep. His breath on my tits sent shivers through me. But his contented sighs as he fell asleep in my arms made me feel incredibly protective over him. I am the only person in existence who has this effect on, and power over, him, and that's pretty damned special.

It's times like these when I really.. seriously regret all the pain I caused us by trying to shoehorn him into a "traditional" role. Even though he never said the words, hell, didn't really even realize himself that he wanted a FLR, he did drop lots and lots of hints from the day we met. I always assumed those sweet words were...just that - words. He was trying to put his entire world in my hands, dedicate himself entirely to me. And I told him to grow the fuck up and be a REAL partner, and stop acting like a helpless child. He told me that he wanted to pamper me like the queen that I am and I told him that was dumb, we should pamper each other. I got mad at him for not letting me do things for him because he felt he didn't deserve them. I even told him it was stupid to sometimes feel that he didn't deserve sex.  He told me that the reason for his existence was to fulfill my every desire and wish. I told him that was impossible. He asked me who I wanted him to be and I said he was being wishy-washy. He said his whole world fell apart when I was angry with him.. that he couldn't concentrate, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat.. couldn't function when I was upset with him. I told him that no one, including me should have that much power over him and he needed to grow a pair.

It's no wonder my sweet Knight felt like he could do nothing right. No wonder why he thought I was always angry and disappointed in him. He was trying to give me his world.. his every thought, his every action. And I was so caught up in my own strength and ideas of what a fair relationship was ,that I didn't understand his words were real, and that I my instance on 50/50 was hurting him. I didn't understand that we were arguing because he felt completely rejected by me.  I didn't understand that this was his way of expressing his love and devotion to me and our family.

I am sorry. After about 4 months of trying this "FLR thing" I see such a change in my Knight. He's more confident, content and just plain happier. I caused him so much pain -- caused us both a lot of pain and heartache because I didn't understand. Baby, I'm sorry.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

"But That's a Long Time"

Over text the other day my Knight and I were talking about his orgasm denial, and his past tendency to "forget" to warn me before I pushed him over that edge. I made the comment, "I'm not going to tell you when I'll let you come, but it won't be this week so you'd better warn me." Later I told him that if he comes without my permission my tongue won't go anywhere near his cock for 2 full weeks for each infraction of this rule. Now, getting head is pretty much his favorite thing on this planet, and I use my mouth on him at least a couple times a week as long as he doesn't annoy me. I figured losing that privilege would be pretty damned motivating.

His first response?  "Next week? But that's a long time!"

Hm.. At the point he said this it had only been 4 days for him, so I didn't have much sympathy. But, something in his tone told me he was questioning the whole tease and denial thing. So, we spent the last two days talking about it. While we were talking it out I made it clear that I expect him to keep to the agreement unless I tell him it's okay.

During our discussions I asked my Knight why he had the sudden change of heart --up until he day before he was enjoying our little game. His answer was simple, "I don't want to go without."

I pointed out that he's not "going without." In reality I play with him a lot more now than I did before I started tease and denial. At least three days a week I sneak into our room while he's asleep to wake him up and play for a few minutes. I bring him to the edge once or twice and then get up and tell him to go back to sleep.

I also told him that it's not about me denying him. I *like*  watching him come. It's about teaching him never to release without my permission. Ever. If he comes twice day or twice a month, or every 2 months, that's up to me. He has no say in the matter. It's also about building the connection between us. Besides, I reminded him,  he agreed to this months ago when we wrote out our FLR rules agreement. He agreed to:
  • "never masturbate without (my) permission" and to 
  • "Allow (me) to control all (his) orgasms - (he) is (my) sex toy."

Neglecting to warn me when we're to close is not allowing me full control.

Then I told him he'd  just have to trust me.

I told him that he didn't have to give me an answer right away, to think about it and decide what he really wants. I told him if he wanted to back out of the tease and denial thing it was okay.

I told him that his actions later would tell me what he'd decided.

And he did. My Knight was super good about warning me when we got to close to that edge and he didn't complain.

I'm happy with his decision and as a reward I told him to go out and buy me a new toy tonight. I'm going to put a camera in his hands and let him take pictures while I play with my new toy.

There are benefits to complying.


Monday, January 23, 2012

To Lock or Not to Lock

After my last post Locked Husband suggested having my Knight wear a device might help solve our problem. I've been giving it a lot of thought.

On one hand, the idea of locking my Knight is intriguing. It could be a fun to force my control over his cock by keeping it under lock and key. I'll admit that sometimes I wonder if he's following my no masturbation rule as strictly as I expect, and locking him up wouldn't give him a choice in the matter. Locked Husband also mentioned that he feels more submissive to his wife when she has him locked.. and I'll admit that I'm curious if a device would have the same effect on my Knight.

But I think there is something indescribably sexy about keeping him unlocked and under my instructions. Knowing that he *could* masturbate when he's away from me but he *won't* simply because I don't want him to is an incredible turn on for me. Knowing that even when we're having sex he won't come without my specific permission is super, amazing hot.

It's an amazing mental switch, and for me that's a big deal. I've never had much of a physical sex drive. The physical need is just not there. That doesn't mean I don't like sex. I do like sex, and I have no difficulty having frequent, multiple, orgasms. Once I get started I'm kind of like a kinky energizer bunny.. but getting me started is a purely mental thing. I can go weeks without even thinking about sex and then something trips my mental switch and I turn into all sex, all the time. I've never really understood it, but I've learned to use it to my advantage. (yes, I've been checked for medical issues and hormonal issues. My theory is that it's related to my multiple sclerosis.)

I also find his submissive tendencies in all the other areas of our life adorable and sexy. I want to encourage him to let me be in charge as much as he's comfortable with (he hates the term "submissive") because it seems to work for us right now. But I don't want to wonder if he is "following directions" because he truly wants to or because he's locked up.

I wonder and question his true desire of all this enough without toys to prod the question in my mind. We're still fairly new at this and I still question his actual interest and motives in this.. as well as my own. My Knight reassures me that Yes, he's happy with this new dynamic in our relationship, happier than he was before, in fact. But I still question.. mainly because I would absolutely NOT like to be in the position he has agreed to put himself in. Having him locked would just add to my own questions about this whole FLR thing. And besides, he and I haven't even discussed it yet.

So for now at least, my Knight will remain unlocked.

That being the case, he had been informed that I expect him to exert a bit more control than he has previously. From here out, he is fully expected to refrain from release without my okay. The penalty for crossing that line is simple - no blow jobs for 2 full weeks for each infraction. In fact, my tongue will come no where near his cock if he breaks this rule. Which would be unfortunate for both of us. 

Friday, January 6, 2012

Follow the Rules Already!

I do hope my readers will forgive my rant. If you don't want to listen to me complain and outright bitch, I will understand if you leave now. Please, don't be gone long - I promise these rants will be few and far between.

How hard is it to follow simple directions? My Knight has been off work  the last two days and he has been less than completely attentive to my expectations.

Earlier this week, I told him very, very clearly that I expect him to warn me if he's getting to close to orgasm so that I can back off in time. We're experimenting with denial and I keep screwing it up because after we've been doing the tease and denial thing for a few days his orgasms kind of sneak up on me.  So.....he was under strict instructions to warn me.

And he did a great job of that .... until Wednesday morning when after warning me twice he simply didn't. Denial experiment ruined! Along, it seems like his ability to follow directions.

For the last several weeks he has been the model FLR husband. And then all of a sudden, over the last two days, he could do nothing I asked or expected. He  screwed up dinner three nights in a row, for goodness sake. And no. These were not hard recipes, nor where they meals he has never made before. They were simple, easy dinners. My Knight is not a great cook.. he's learning, but it's a slow process and I know that so when I want him to cook either I tell him to make whatever he wants, or I ask him to make something I know he knows how to cook.

I gave him a list of 4 or 5 things that needed to be done on his days off.. things like.. put the Christmas lights away, clear some clutter off the front porch, make a phone call to the cable company and fix two bathroom faucets that are leaking. Instead of completing the things on his list he allowed himself to get caught up in other things..so that I ended up reminding him   a couple times. Some of the things that were supposed to be done on Wed. finally got done on Thursday after I had to discuss it with him on Wed. Night.

So.. instead of our planned night out.. we had to deal with the fact that he did not accomplish his tasks during the day. My "night out" was ruined. As consequence, I slept as far on my side of the bed as possible. No  sex, no touching, no teasing..... nothing. I tossed my leg over his so he would know I love him, but that's it. A big change from our normal- usually I have him sleep lying fully on top of me, or  I fall asleep lying across him with my hand on his cock. Not that night.

I considered sending him out to the couch, but the kids would have noticed and my teenager would have thought we were fighting. So, I didn't.
I am trying to decide if his unscheduled orgasm contributed to his complete lack of attention to me, his tasks and my expectations. I know there are some who would say that was absolutely the reason. And at first glance I would have to agree with them since his behavior changed immediately after that orgasm.

BUT...we have not had that attitude shift after any other orgasm, accidental or otherwise for the last couple months. He's usually so consistent that I was  starting to think the claim of an attitude change after orgasm was just fetish hype written by guys trying to convince their Doms to extend their denial.  There is a lot of that kind of thing on-line. But now... I find myself wondering.

I think I'm going to experiment a bit and try a strict 2 or 3 week denial period. I'll have to be really careful to avoid any accidents. If his attitude doesn't change when I finally let him release then I'll know it was a self-discipline issue and not an orgasm issue.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy 2012

I thought I was a pretty forward thinking, independent woman. I've always prided myself for doing my own research and refusing to go along with the crowd.. just for the sake of going with the crowd. I mean.. I decided to homeschool years before homeschooling was a cool trend because I believed it was MY job to educate my kids. (And, I've done a damned good job it it,too!). I started studying herbs, homeopathics, Eastern Medicine, Reiki and a host of other  natural healing methods twenty-plus years ago because it made sense to me.

I've always taken my own path.. even when I was the only living thing on the road.

But, I am amazed at how quickly I gravitate back to a typical 50/50 arrangement with my knight. It happens without my even noticing that it's happening. Sometimes I'll find myself hinting instead of asking, asking instead of telling, and doing things myself instead of giving my knight the opportunity to complete the task for me. And the kicker for me, is that those are the times when I get irritated with him for being scatterbrained and inattentive to me and the kids.When my guidance falters, so does his ability to complete tasks and make decisions. When I neglect my role as decision maker and head of the household, my Knight feels lost and it shows in his actions.

Some serious thought on why I'm allowing myself to fall away from our FLR arrangement leads me to one thing: Ingrained expectations.

So, one of my goals for the coming year is to make it a point to remember that *I* am in charge, and to ask on that knowledge.  Thrive or falter, I am responsible for our success over the coming year-- Financially, family-wise and marriage wise. I determine whether we meet our goals for 2012.That's an oddly freeing thought. Of course, it's also pretty scary, but I've handled harder stuff.

These thoughts occurred to me a few weeks ago, and in preparation of the new year I wrote down my goal list for 2012. This is something I do every year. But, this year I also told my Knight to write out his work, personal, family, and Spiritual goals for the coming year and give them to me.

He has done that, and now I am setting up mini-goals and schedules for each of us. I will give him weekly assignments based on his stated goals in order to helw weeks agom,  p him meet those goals.  I've let him know that he must check his on-line calendar several times a day and that task items I add are set in stone. If he sees I have sent a deadline on a project, then he damn-well better meet that deadline. I'll take no excuses.I've also told him that missed deadlines will result in pulling at least one paper from the "punishment bag." He has no real idea what is on those little slips of paper, but I guarantee he will not enjoy them.

Here's to the new year... meeting our goals, growing Spiritually, financially, and as a couple. And here's to me taking charge of my marriage, and our life.


Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...