Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Where Are We Now?

It's been less than a week since I told knight exactly what is expected of him. We had a decent weekend. No fighting, no arguing, he did exactly as I needed him to, was attentive to the kids and me, and was fully present in our life. For my part, I made an intentional effort to be physically closer to him than I have been. We didn't have sex, because I'm just not there yet. I'm still hurt. But, I did everything I could to let him know that I love him and want things to work out between us.  We went to bed Sunday night curled up around each other, and feeling like there was hope

Then, it all went to hell on Monday.

Monday, I decided to show him I'm still invested in us by writing him a list. It was short, and simple. There were about 5 items on the list, three of which were: Stop at the store on the way home from my band rehearsal, be prepared for an in-depth conversation about what both of us need in order for things to get better between us, and put the two boxes I had packed for donation into car Monday night so he could drop them off for me Tuesday after work.

He did none of these.

I had the car on Monday, which meant that I picked him up from work, he dropped me off at rehearsal, and then he and the kids went to the park to eat the  picnic dinner I packed, and play until my rehearsal was over 90 minutes later. At that point, we were supposed to go grocery shopping. When they picked me up from rehearsal, knight headed for home. I reminded him that we needed to stop at the store first. He insisted he'd go after the kids were in bed so that I could go home. I told him I didn't want to go home. I wanted him stick to his list. He started insisting that band puts me into overload and that I should go home. I didn't want to get into a full out fight with the kids in the back seat, so I quietly told him that he was telling me what I want again, and that I wasn't happy. Then I didn't speak to him again. We got home, went through book time and kid bedtime routines. I still didn't say a word to him. After the kids went to bed, knight said he was going to the store, and asked me for a list. I gave him one only because I knew that without a shopping list from me, he'd have no idea what I needed from the store. I reminded him he was supposed to stop at the store on the way home, and that right now we were supposed to be discussing what each of us needs to improve things between us. Then, I went into the bedroom with my book, and ignored him until he left. He sent me several texts while he was gone, and I ignored all of them. He came home, put groceries away and came into the bedroom. By this time it was midnight, and I was ready for bed. I told him that our conversation would have to wait because he insisted of going to the store instead of doing what I asked of him. I reminded him he still hadn't finished his list, and then I went to bed.

The next morning, was a disaster. Knight tried to make coffee but the coffee pot cracked and spewed coffee grounds and coffee all over the counter. While he was making coffee, I was looking for a package of my asthma meds that I mislaid someplace.  I told him to keep an eye on the 14 yr old while he cleaned up the coffee mess he'd made. I was going out to the car to see if I'd left the med package in the car. I wasn't out side more than a minute when knight came out after me. His reasoning for ignoring my request? He was "helping."  I asked him where the 14 yr old was, and he said "At the kitchen table."  Now.. understand that we have a rule that says the 14 yr old must be supervised at all times. Without direct, eyes on, supervision he gets into trouble every time. His therapist and I have put together a plan to help him understand what is appropriate behavior and what isn't, but the beginning phase of this requires 100% eyes-on supervision 100% of the time. When I take a shower, go outside, use the bathroom, or anything else where I can't keep an eye on him,  the 14 yr old must take whatever he is doing to his bedroom. My knight just completely ignored that requirement, even after I handed the kid over to him. (which, I must add, I had to hear from the 14 yr old later that day.. "Why do I have to go into my room? Daddy didn't make me go in my room when he went outside this morning." The kid did do what he was told, but he tried to start a fight about it.)
When knight came out to the car, he moved the Amtgard weapons that I had just stacked up so I could look in the trunk. In the process he knocked over a few things, and made a mess. I asked him why he was outside. His answer was that he wanted to help. When I told him that I ASKED for his help.. I asked him to watch the 14 yr old while I searched the car, he just stood there.

Oh.. and he never did clean up the coffee mess. I had to crawl under the counter yesterday to clean it. Getting on the floor is incredibly difficult and painful for me because of the MS. There are not many things I can't do because of it, but there are a few things that are painful and difficult enough that I avoid them as often as I can. Getting up and down to the floor is one of those things. When I said something to him about leaving the mess he answered with, "Well, I had to get to work."  Um.. if you had cleaned it up instead of getting in my way in the car, you would have had plenty of time.

Then, when he finally left for work, he still did not take the boxes. I reminded him last night and this morning, and the damned boxes are STILL in our room, waiting to be carried to the car. I'll do it myself this evening, and drop them off after choir rehearsal.

We still haven't had our discussion about what each of us needs. I believe he's intentionally putting it off. He keeps telling me that he loves me, and wants things to work out between us, but obviously he's not willing to have the conversation that could help us both get what we need.

Now, I realize these are all little things. But, after awhile, the little things add up and when those little things become almost constant, and make more work for someone who is already trying to do the work of 3 people, then those little things become a big thing.

I made my displeasure known last night, and all he did was make excuses. He ignored my direction to go to the store after rehearsal because, he says, he was trying to take care of me. He got in my way looking for my meds in the car yesterday morning because he was, "worried and trying to help."  I asked him just exactly when he decided that he knows what I want/need from him better than I do.

I keep hoping things will change, that he'll start listening to, and paying attention to my wants and needs, instead of ignoring what I tell him and doing whatever the hell he wants (and then trying to blame me). But, hope is cheap, and I no longer believe he will make the changes needed for us to make this work. He still continues not to talk to me about his needs in this marriage, he continues not listening to what I have to say, and he continues to  ignore the lists (that he asked for), and the flr rules (that he ALSO asked for).

Sunday night when we went to bed, I had hope that things might improve between us. Now, that hope is gone. I'm trying to decide if it's better for the kids for us to separate now, or if we should stick it out until the youngest is high school/college age.

Friday, April 10, 2015

My Thoughts And Plans.

This morning I sent knight the following email:
I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, and the problems and distance between us. Answer the following questions with a simple "yes" or "no". If your answers are no, that's fine, we'll deal with it. Just know that you will be held accountable for your answers. If you don't answer -today April 10-I will assume the marriage is over, and act accordingly.

1. Do you really, truly want to save this marriage?

2. Are you staying because it's "easier"? You avoid conflict at all costs. Divorce is a major conflict, and I can see you staying simply because it's easier.

3. Can you honestly, and deeply say that you want us to be close?

4. You tend to act in very passive aggressive ways. I've been saying for years, and I stand by that. Are you willing to look at it honestly, and address the issues?

If he says he doesn't want to save the marriage, or if he says he's staying because it's easier, or if he is not willing to look at things honestly, then I am completely and utterly done with this. I can't say that I will file for divorce, because I'm not sure a divorce is in the kids' best interests. Our youngest is 9. I'd rather wait until shes a bit older before we divorce. But, I won't put any energy or thought into the relationship, and I will focus entirely on the kids and myself. 

If he says that he does want to save our marriage and is willing to put the work into it, then I will create a simple list of things that he must do in order to even have a shot at working things out. I'm still thinking about what will be on that list, but right now it looks like this:

1. Read about passive aggressive behavior, and learn to recognize it in yourself, and admit it.
2. Learn to identify and talk to me about your feelings. "I don't know" is no longer acceptable. I have to see steady progress on this goal.
3.  Listen and repeat back to me when I talk to you. 
4. Take solid action every day that shows the kids and I that we are important to you. (I'm thinking about including a list of ways he can do that, because it's different for each of us, and sometimes the Aspie-ness gets in his way).

If he doesn't answer the questions at all, then I will assume he's not interested in trying. In that case, or in the case that he confirms he doesn't really care, or isn't interested in doing the work, then I will start by focusing completely on me and the kids. I'll start doing what I want and not including him in our plans. He's welcome to join us, if he wants to, but I won't ask, and I won't expect him to be involved. I'll act like it's just me and the kids while I decide if a divorce is absolutely necessary for me to be happy. I'm also going to do a lot of reading on passive aggressive behavior.

An Update:

I'm posting an email exchange between knight and I. This happened yesterday. Why am I posting it here? Mostly so it doesn't get lost in my archived emails, and partly so that I have all my thoughts in one place.

I took knight into work yesterday because I wanted the car. We didn't speak two words to each other before we left the house. Nor did we talk during the 35 minute drive. When he got to work, he sent me this:

Love you babe--- ...just that.  I love you.

I responded
odd way of showing it.

And then:
ya know... you had the chance to show me that doing something together, without the kids, was important to you.. that you took me seriously when I told you we need go out occasionally, and that I never get to do anything fun. didn't. You dropped the ball, and didn't call (the babysitter) , like I asked you to. This is the SECOND time you've screwed this up in the last month.

I won't ask anymore. I am going out on Saturday, but not with you. You can stay home with (the 14 yr old) .  And, from now on, if I want to go out and do something, I'll just go do it and leave you home with (the 14 yr old) . I'm not even going to ask you anymore. I'm done giving you the chance to disappoint me, and show me how little I mean to you. I can't continue to allow myself to be open to that kind of hurt. I cried almost the whole way home because you didn't think enough of me.. of US, to call the freaking babysitter and see if she was available.  You have no reasonable excuse. I mentioned it on SUNDAY on the way home from (the family trip). I reminded you on Tuesday. It's now Thursday, and it remains undone.   Don't bother now- it's too late. Your actions (lack of action) has shown me (again) where I stand with you.   I'll go out alone and have fun

He answered:
...that's what the lists are for, counter my absent-mindedness.  If it's not on that list, then it drops off my radar--I've got too many things all going on at once, and I lose track.  I know this.  *We* know this.


...if you want to go out, babe, go ahead.  I'm not stopping you.  I love you.

My response:
Nope. The FIRST time you were supposed to call (babysitter) (zoo trip), it WAS on your list.. every day for a freaking WEEK. You did not bother.

This week.. I told you to put it on your list. AND I reminded you. You did not do it, even though yesterday you told me, "right, I'll do it today."  Still remains undone.

You forget something.. they are YOUR lists. Not mine.. therefore, Not really my responsibility. You don't appreciate them............hell, you can't even be bothered to say "thank you" for the time I take the write the stupid things. They go mostly ignored, completely unappreciated, and when I remind you to go over your list with me at the end of the day, you get defensive and irritated, so why should I bother. It's 
not worth the hassle, the fight or the stress. 

I am going out this Saturday without you. I don't need your permission, I didn't ask for your permission. Quite frankly, I'll go out without you on Saturday whether you like it or not. 

I'm done allowing your inconsiderate, hurtful behavior to effect me, and the kids. I'm done allowing you to make excuses for your actions. I'm done opening myself up to you only to be ignored, put off, and treated like I don't matter to you. I'm done asking  you to show me that you care about us.. I'm done giving and suggesting ways you can show me that I matter to you, only be be disappointed when you don't bother. I'm done taking your feelings into consideration at the expense of my own. I'm done crying because, once again, you've blown off something that was important to me, or otherwise shown me that I don't matter in your world. I'm done making excuses for your hurtful behavior to the kids. I'm done hoping things will change, and you'll suddenly be considerate, caring and open. I'm done trying to force my way through your walls.

I warned you for years that it would come to this.. that your inconsiderate actions, lack of attention to emotions and the romantic side of things, lack of attention to details, and inability to keep your word  were going to push me to lose all trust for you, and at that point, I would simply stop trying. We've hit that point. You have no understanding of the depth of my emotions or ability to care about somebody. I told you from the start that if you didn't take care of the romantic in me that you'd lose me completely. I'm a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.. it's taken about double the time I expected it to take. But.........I'm there. 

Is it fixable? Hell if I know. From your past actions, I'd say probably not because it would require you to do things that you have not even done ONCE it all the time we've been together.And I don't think you'll bother.

I won't tear the kids apart. A divorce would be hard enough on the kids, but if we separated they would lose siblings. I won't do that to them. However, all those things that have really upset me over the years, all the times you've left me in tears and feeling completely alone have ruined us. All the times you left me to deal with the hard stuff, while you put your head in the sand and pretended everything was fine have taught me that I can't trust you. All the times that you've sat there and said and did nothing while I was upset, feeling overwhelmed and alone, and told you exactly how you hurt me have taught me that sharing my feelings with you is stupid, you will do nothing. 
He answered:
 I was not giving permission.

I always appreciated the lists.

I am not inconsiderate, or hurtful.  I will admit to absentmindedness.

I love you.
My response:
..........and that is why our marriage is most likely ending. You have not listened to a word I said. you ARE inconsiderate and hurtful. To me, and to the kids. You blow us off all the time. You don't listen when we talk to you. How many times have you told (my 12 yr old), "not now J" when he wanted to do something with you. And then you wonder why he doesn't heed your advice, or listen when you talk to him. He treats you the same way you've always treated him.  (The 14 yr old) believes you don't care how he acts. He's told me this. He's told (his therapist)  this.  (Our 9 yr old)  feels like you don't like to play with her and do things with her. She's told me this. I feel like you'd rather be anywhere else than with us. I feel like you don't give a damn about me.  I've told you I feel that way. I've told you how to avoid coming across that way, and you refuse. If that doesn't illustrate inconsiderate and hurtful, nothing does. 

Once again, I've told you exactly how I feel. 

And you've told me that I'm wrong. 

Meanwhile, I have changed so much of who I was, and learned to hide so much of myself in order to avoid being hurt again because you have absolutely no consideration for my needs. No consideration for me, no recognition of me as a woman.. hell, you don't even KNOW me anymore. And, you don't want to. I  even had to give up being a hopeless romantic  because you couldn't be bothered to pay attention to that. I gave up dreaming, hell, I've given up writing because I can't do everything, and something had to give, and you don't help out. 

why am I even bothering? You refuse to admit or even look at the hurt you've caused me. I keep trying to talk to you.. hoping you'll listen, and care enough to change things. don't want to take any responsibility for your actions. There's always a "reason" and's always somebody or something else's fault. 

Except it's not. YOU did these things. You have made me feel this way. Nobody else. You. Be being selfish, inconsiderate and hurtful. You don't care about our marriage.. If you did, you'd SHOW it. And you don't -- haven't for a very, very long time.  

He never did answer this, nor did he bother to answer 4 other email that were all kid related. Later yesterday afternoon, I dropped something off at his office for the CEO of the company. I called knight when I pulled into the parking lot. When he came down, he asked why I called instead of emailing or texting like I usually do. I told him I called because he has not been answering emails, and I didn't feel like sitting in the parking lot until he got around to checking his email.  When he got upstairs to his office he sent me a text saying he had not answered because he had no idea what to say.

At least that was most likely an honest response.

Last night, after the kids were in bed, I tried to talk to him. To find out what he's thinking, and if there is any point in me putting any more energy and effort into this marriage, or if I should just cut my losses, and plan on being alone. I got a lot of silence, tears, and no real answers. He insisted he's doing his best, but at the same time denied being difficult and hurtful.

This morning when we got up, he started my coffee, took his supplements, and hung around where I was, trying to be helpful. When it was time for him to leave for work, he came over and gave me a kiss on the shoulder. Said, "I love you" and left for work. He's trying his level best to pretend everything is fine. It's not.

On Wednesday, I told him I would not write anymore lists for him, because of his lack of appreciation for them. (He doesn't even bother to say "thank you" most of the time.)

Thursday, April 9, 2015

About The Chastity Device

Knight finally did tell me how he felt when I gave him the device. He said he was upset and insulted and resented that I'd suggested it. He said that instead of building trust that incident destroyed trust.

My response was simple......."well, now you understand how I feel when you don't follow through on your word, don't bother doing little things for me, and can't take the time show me this marriage means something to you."  Then I reminded him that I have him two opportunities to veto the idea, and he didn't speak up.

Things May Be Coming To An End.

I'm fed up. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of feeling like the kids and I are not important to him. I have tried my damnedest to get us on track, to show him where he's going wrong with me and the kids. But, he refuses to take my advice, refuses to listen. Oh, things get better for a while right after he's on the receiving end of a major chew out, but as soon as he senses that I'm no longer mad at him, he goes right back to being inattentive, distant, and barely there. My son (12) tells me that he doesn't ask knight to do things with him anymore because most of the time knight's answer I "not right now." And the kid is right. The Aspie 14 yr old says he doesn't think his dad cares how he acts or what he does because "he never says anything." The 9 yr old girl? She's always complaining to me that "daddy forgot to........." whatever it was she asked him to do.  Picking up the pieces and , soothing upset kids, making sure the things he "forgot" always falls on me.

Knight SAYS he cares, he tells me that he doesn't mean to forget things, or drop thing, he just gets overwhelmed and can't keep up. That's where the lists come in- an attempt to help him keep on track. Except that doesn't complete his daily task list just about as often as he does complete it.

Knight tells me the kids and I are his world, but when the 12 yr old wants knight to play Magic, or help him make Amtgard armor, or go in the backyard and swing swords, knight typically tells him, "not right now," unless I step in and tell knight to go play with the kid.

Knight tells me that nothing matters more to him than spending time with me. In the car on Sunday I asked him to call the babysitter to see if she was available for a few hours this coming Saturday. We don't need a babysitter for the 12 and 9 year olds, but the 14 yr old Aspie needs constant supervision and he refuses to listen to his 12 year old brother. Because of that, we can't go out alone unless we hire a sitter for the 14 yr old. I told knight to put "call the sitter" on his list for Monday. Today is Thursday. Knight hasn't called the sitter yet. He says he "got busy and forgot."  My answer was that if it was important to him, he would have written it down like he was supposed to.  This is the second time in a month that I asked him to call the sitter for the 14 yr old. The last time,  he didn't bother either. I ended up leaving knight and the 14 yr old at home and taking the other two to the zoo for the day instead.  This time, I'm going out, alone, and leaving him home with the 14 yr old.

Knight tells me that he wants to make things work - that he will do 'whatever it takes" to fix things between us. Yet, he doesn't talk to me, doesn't listen when I try to talk to him, doesn't seem interested in anything I want to do. Hell, a few days ago, I sent him a new article on Autism and asked him to read it. The article discussed a new herbal protocol, and I was thinking about trying it with the 14 yr old. Knight never bothered to read it. Told me he "didn't have time." Um.. it was about a study that might help his kid. I don't try new things on the 14 yr old without knight's okay. He is HIS kid, after all. So, while I'm stressed beyond my ability to cope from dealing with 14 yr old's current behavior issues, knight can't make time to read a 2 page article for me. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised. Knight doesn't take the time to do anything to help relieve the stress, either. I don't even bother asking for massage anymore. He spends all of 5 minutes and calls it done. I put household chores on his daily task list to give myself a break to do something else, and either the chore remains undone, and I have to do it myself the next day, or he does such a lousy job at the chore, that I have to redo it the next day. Either way, it's easier, less frustrating, and less hassle to just do it myself the first time.

Knight knows how I feel. He's known for a long time now. Remember, we started flr as an attempt to deal with these exact issues. It worked for a while. Things were good for a while. Hell, we had an entire year that was *really* good. And then he started acting like a rebellious teenager, and it all fell apart. I've told him recently how I feel. When he upsets or disappoints me, I tell him exactly what he did that disappointed me, and how he can avoid it in the future. He keeps doing the same things over and over again.

I often give him small opportunities to do something to please me, and he never takes them. Example? This Sunday, on our family trip. We were in the gift shop of the cave we toured with the kids. I found a pair of earrings made from a gem that I absolutely loved. I thought about buying them, but second guessed myself because they were almost $40.  Six kids - one income. Not buying things for myself has become a habit, even though we now only have 3 kids at home, and we can afford for me to but things for my self occasionally now.   My 9 yr old asked me to take her outside because the gift shop was loud and crowded and she was getting overloaded. Knight asked me if there was anything I wanted. I told him, I really loved those earrings, and if he wanted to get them for me, that would be okay. Then I took the 9 yr old outside.  When knight and the boys came out, knight showed me what he bought. He bought me a cool pen, an amethyst necklace, a pair of hematite earrings, and a salt candle holder. The earrings I told him I wanted were not there. I was disappointed, but didn't say anything because the kids were there. Later, I told knight that I had given him the perfect opportunity to please me, and he hadn't even paid attention. He made excuses.

First he told me, "But, you said you they were too expensive."

I reminded him that before I left, I told him I had changed my mind, and it was okay if he bought them. Knight didn't say anything.

When I brought it up again last night, he told me that he had not heard me say it was okay if he bought the earrings. I reminded him that he answered me, so it was obvious that he had heard me.

This kind of thing happens frequently. I will ask knight to do something for me that's not house, kid or chore related to give him an opportunity to do something to please me. It might be simply like "set up candles, and put on romantic music" or "Those earrings would make a great Christmas gift", and he simply ignores me. I can't even remember the last time he complemented me.

It's really difficult to believe that he cares at all what happens to us or how I feel. He tells me that he cares, that I'm his world, the he wants us to work things out. But when it comes to doing thing to back that up, there's nothing. Then there is the night my back was hurting me so badly.

Knight tells me, "If I didn't want to be here, I would leave."  That is not even close to the same thing as listening, doing small things, being considerate, helping out, and being there.

I feel like we're no more than 2 people raising kids together. That's it. I want more from my marriage. I need more from my marriage, and if he's unwilling to do the things that show care, concern and affection, then maybe it's time for me to admit defeat, and move on.

I haven't made any decisions yet. I really don't want to split up the kids. They think of each other as siblings, not "step-siblings". They're close,  and being separated would add more hurt to a divorce than in necessary.  For that reason, separation/divorce is not something I'll do lightly.

I don't expect things to change. We've been at this point frequently over the last year. Things change for a few weeks, and then he goes right back to breaking promises, leaving things undone and complaining and arguing when I correct him.

So... what am I going to do? Well, for starters, I'm going out alone on Saturday, and I'm going to have fun. I have no idea what I'm going to do, but it's probably not going to involve dinner and a movie (the only things he ever wants to do when we go out alone).

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Knight Will Be Punished Tonight.

Yesterday one of the tasks on knight's list was to supervise the 14 yr old in doing his afternoon chore.  That didn't happen. In fact the kid's chore didn't happen. So, this morning the kid had to complete the chore under my supervision before he could start his homeschooling day. (We have a house rule that says, "tomorrow needs finished before you can start today")

But, it took that 14 yr old over 90 minutes to complete the chore because he spent more time whining, crying and tossing things than he did working on the chore. Because I had to be in the same room directly supervising him, I was unable to complete the chores I needed to do this morning.

Knight will have to complete them all this evening while I'm at choir practice. Plus, his writing assignment is due to me today before we go to bed. He's supposed to finish that while I'm at choir practice, too. I'm not sure how he's going to get everything done while at the same time, doing the "dad thing", and doing our typical household bedtime routines with the kids,  but that's not my problem.

In addition to not supervising the kid, knight did not show me how much he had written towards his writing assignment last night. That was also on his list for yesterday.

So, after the kids are in bed, knight will be punished for both list omissions.

For the first, he will have to stand facing the wall in our bedroom, without moving for the time it would have taken the 14 yr old to do his chore last night -- roughly 30 minutes. While he's standing there, facing the wall, I will probably sit on our bed and read.

I'm not sure what his punishment for the second list omission will be. I haven't given it much thought yet. I do know that if the assignment is not complete by the time I get home from choir this evening, I will tie him to the overhead hook I had him install a few weeks ago, and leave him there if 30 minutes. This will be in addition to the above punishment.

What irritates me even more is that when I said something to him about it this morning, he tried to make excuses , "We got home late, then I made that phone call (to his daughter), and then we did book time. There was no time."  Yes, there was - and besides, I told him several days ago that I no longer care WHY something does not get done. One small point to his credit, he did offer to call in late to work to do the chore himself. I refused to allow it. I don't allow him to go in late to work for stuff like this.

He could have, and should have done it last night. We stopped book time early because my oldest called. Knight could have had the 14 yr old complete his afternoon chore while the other kids were on the phone with my oldest.

More of the same from him. I feel like things will never change.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Talking About Chastity

Knight and I have not had the opportunity to have a proper conversation about the events this past Saturday. So, as part of his daily list today, knight has an assignment to:

"Write a minimum of 250 words about how you felt, and what you thought when I told you to go into my top drawer Saturday morning. I also want to know if you were relieved, disappointed, or a mixture of both when it didn't fit."

He doesn't have to have it done today, but he does have to start it, and make some progress on it by the time we go to bed tonight. It must be finished by the time we go to bed tomorrow night. I haven't decided yet, but I might share his words here.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Chastity Device On Saturday

Saturday morning we talked about flr, our marriage, the lack of trust and lack of communication between my knight and I. It was a long and blunt conversation.  I brought up specific instances of when he has caused me not to trust him - like a few weeks ago when my back out. He started to try and defend himself on that one, saying that I told him there was nothing he could do, so he left me alone. I told him I'm tired of listening to his excuses. He was wrong, and that's the end of it.

It came down to me telling him that we need to do something I should have done 10 years ago -- reteach everything he thinks he knows about relationships. Yes, we've been here before. I'm aware of that. I started to retrain him a couple months ago, and between the mess with my step-daughter and my step-son starting to show signs of mental illness as well, our world became too stressful, and I let the retraining slip. It was just too much.  I had forgotten that I started this. I'm Her's reminded me in a comment he made last week. I know many of you think this should be easy, but with one seriously mentally ill child, and another with Autism who is showing signs of having developed the same mental illness his sister has, our life gets stressful. There are times when I simply can not handle one more thing. And when my knight becomes that "one more thing" I just don't have the energy to deal with it. Multiple Sclerosis will do that to you. Mine is under control, and I'm still healing. In fact, I'm in better health, and have fewer symptoms than I did 10 years ago--My natural protocols work-- but, I still have physical and mental exhaustion to cope with. When I'd "done", then I'm just "done" and can't do another thing. That is why so many things get dropped, or put off - I hit an exhaustion point, and simply can't.  When my 14 yr old step-son is having difficulties, I am the one he comes to. We're close and he trusts me. That also means that if he has behavior issues, I am the one who deals with the situation. He's been having a lot of behavior issues lately, and it's exhausting. He's a good kid, don't get me wrong, but Autism, mental illness, and simply being a teenager is a difficult combination. We're lucky though. His mental illness concerns are much milder than his sister's, and he has a great therapist.

The point of all that is simple - I know I previously decided that I need to retrain my knight and that I dropped the ball. Now, I'm picking it back up.

In our conversation on Saturday, my knight told me he would do anything he had to in order to get us back on track. He hates the distance and lack of trust between us as much as I do. He wants desperately to fix it, but has absolutely no idea how.  I told him that we are going to start from scratch and he's going to "unlearn and replace" almost everything he ever learned about relationships. I reminded him that his ex taught him a lot of things that were simply fucked up, and that I should have started re-teaching him from the first day we moved in together, instead of giving him the space to figure it out on his own. That was my mistake. His mistake has been not listening when I try to correct him, and arguing with me when I do correct him. As an example, I used his attempt at making the bed that same morning.  When he made the bed Saturday morning, he didn't pull up and smooth the sheets first. He simply pulled our comforter up over the rumpled sheets. When I called him over and corrected him, he told me  "That's the way I always do it."

I answered with, "Yes, and you always do it wrong. I didn't ask you how you always do it. I told you what I want you to do from now on. Now, do it my way, and stop arguing with me."

That exchange is what started our conversation on Saturday in the first place. I pointed out that he does that a lot. Not every time I correct him, but maybe every other time, and it's why I get frustrated and give up. I don't always have the energy to argue with him about simple things, and I expect him to be quiet and fix the mistake.

During this conversation, I decided he was getting his chastity device this morning. I sat there for a long time wondering what would happen when I have it to him. Would he argue with me? Would he refuse to wear it? Would it turn into an all- day fight? It took me 15 minutes to work up the nerve to do this. Finally I decided I would eliminate any possible argument by simply telling him to put it on, and walking out of the room. That would give him an opportunity to mentally adjust to the situation on his own.

When I was ready, I got up from our bed and said, "I am going out to make coffee. I want you to make me eggs with goat cheese for breakfast. But, before you do, go in my top drawer. You'll find a bag in there. We've talked about this before, so you should have been expecting this. Open the bag, put it on, lock it, and bring me the key. It might not fit, in fact, I've waited this long to give it to you because I'm pretty sure it's way too small. That's what I get for buying cheap. If it's too small, let me know, and I'll buy a name brand. I got this one, because I don't like the more popular model, and the one I like is over $300. So, I tried a cheap replica first. But, either way. Go get it, and if it fits, put it on and bring me the key. It's not a punishment, it's an experiment. I love you."

Yes, I'm long winded when I'm nervous. After I'd finished, I walked out of our bedroom.  He came out about 15 minutes late, and sat down on the couch.  I went over and gave him a kiss, and then asked him to make my breakfast, which he did. He was uncharacteristically quiet and  reserved. He seemed to be upset, but when I asked him what was wrong, he told me nothing was wrong. After my breakfast was made, we sat on the couch together while I ate. I sat so that my legs were across his lap, like I always do.

Very quietly he said, "It didn't fit."

"I didn't think it would," I told him. "I'll order one of the more popular models, that I know will fit. I was trying not to spend any significant amount of money on an experiment."

He was still very quiet, almost like a child who has been punished. It took him a long time to get himself back to normal. In fact he was "off" all day on Saturday. I tried to talk to him several times, but he kept telling me he was fine.

We haven't had time to really talk about how he felt Saturday morning. Saturday was stupid busy with a Costco trip, egg coloring, and preparing for a family trip on Sunday. (we took the kids to see their first cave, and play on a zip line obstacle course for Easter) By the time we had time alone on Saturday it was after midnight, and we knew we were getting up at 5:30am for the trip, so we went straight to bed. Obviously, on Sunday there was no time to talk. I have band practice tonight, but I'm hoping we can talk about it when I get home.

So, yes, I gave him the device, but it didn't fit.  I can't tell if he's disappointed or relieved, or a bit of both, but the experience obviously had and effect on him.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Chastity Device..

I did not get to carry out my knight's planned punishment last night. Kid issues, and a called-at-the-last-minute-meeting got in the way.  I wanted to put the device on him as soon as he got home from work at 6pm, and make him wear it until we went to sleep, around 1 am- for a total of about 7 hours, but I had to leave to make the meeting as soon as he got home. There was no time, and since it would have been his very first time in a device, I wanted to put it on him, instead of simply giving it to him, and telling him to put it on.  When I got home, it was after 9pm. When I got home, there was a kid issue to deal with.  I didn't think 3 hours in the device was long enough.

So.. I try again tonight.

I Am Such A Different Person Than I Was Ten Years Ago

When my knight and I got together, I was a completely different person than I am now. And, I don't think all the changes are good ones.

In the comments of my post a few days ago I told MRBILL

You could simply ask her if she feels that way. I wish my knight would talk about sex. I have fun verbally teasing him and sending him suggestive emails at work. I used to send him suggestive and down right sexually blatant emails two or three times a week. He never answered them, never even acknowledged them. I told him it upset me when he ignored those emails, but it never changed. Eventually, I quit sending them. Same with talking about sex. There was a point where I verbally teased him often. Just like with the emails, I got no response, so I finally quit. 

That got me thinking. There are a lot of things that I used to, that I don't anymore. Mostly because of knight's lack of response, or seeming lack of interest.

Verbally teasing, and sending him sexually charged emails, are just the beginning. I used to be a lot more assertive in bed. There are quiet a few things that I've never done with (to) my knight that I've done to every other sex partner. Things that I used to enjoy a lot, like tying him up and playing with different textures and toys. I've never straddled my knight's face - I'm always lying on my back when he uses his tongue on me. Prostate massage is another thing I've never done to him that I have to most of my other lovers. I think I'm less likely to demand sex "right now" than I was prior to my knight, too.  I've never surprised him with a weekend (or even a night) away for the sole purpose of kinky sex. No, that's not true. I tried, multiple times, several years ago. He freaked out and froze on me, and I gave up.

There are non-sexual things too- I don't share spiritual thoughts and ideas with him anymore. I used to, but he always seemed uninterested despite saying that he wanted to learn about my ideas of spirituality. I take a metaphysical view of things, in fact I used to write a regular column called Metaphysical Christianity. The column was so popular that it was used and referred to by ministers across the country. I quit talking to knight about it. I stopped my personal New Year's Eve,Thanksgiving, Solstice, Halloween, birthday and Christmas traditions because he was uninterested in participating, and that made spending those holidays together difficult.

I've stopped expecting, asking for, or setting up romantic evenings. You know.. candles, music, incense, romantic dinner, sitting under the stars and dreaming together.... I like those kinds of cheesy romantic things. Knight never did them on his own. There was a point that I would tell him to set up something romantic every once in a while. He was so afraid of screwing it up ... that he would freak himself out over it, ask me a million times what I wanted him to do, and in the end, he screwed it up. I finally stopped asking because it was easier than dealing with what happened when I asked.

I've stopped sharing parts of myself with him because he either acts disinterested, or flatly ignores those aspects of me, or he's screwed up the event multiple times.  (last night's 1 year celebration is a good example. It was important to me in ways I won't describe here, but I saw it as a spiritual holiday to be celebrated and to be thankful for. Knight knew that, we talked about it, and he said he agreed)

Every time I've felt that I needed to stop sharing something with him, I have always warned him first. Usually with a heartfelt conversation about what he did/said that made me feel that I shouldn't share it with him. I've explained what he might do to fix it, and told him that if the situation reoccurs that I will probably stop sharing that part of my life with him.

Obviously, since I've stopped sharing these things with him, it reoccurred.

I'm not perfect. I know that I've made mistakes over the years. Hurt him when I didn't mean to, said and done stupid things. Look at our flr situation. It took me YEARS to understand what he was asking for, and even now, I'm still not sure. For years he told me to "just tell me what you want me to do," and "just give me specific instructions." For years he came to me after every task, every routine, every.. everything and asked me "what next?", and for years I told him to grow the hell up and figure it out himself. He asked me for direction, and I had no frame of reference for his behavior. I've said it before, up until that point, all I knew was a world where a guy without an opinion, or who would not voice his opinion was a guy who didn't care.  My knight was different, and it took me a long time to understand what he wanted. I still don't understand they why.

But, I've never done anything purposely to hurt him. And, I've never (to the best of my knowledge, anyway) been disinterested in anything that seemed important to him. I may not want to hear about his project at work for the hundredth time this week, but I'll always listen and try to understand when it comes to things that are important. (and I'll listen to the progress of that project for the first 50 times that week, without complaint.)  I don't think I've ever done anything to make him feel like he couldn't share a part of himself with me. If I have, he's never said anything - and I have asked.

So, I feel it's unfair that I've felt that I've had to stop doing things, and stop sharing things just to keep from feeling like my interests and feelings don't matter to him.

Now.. many of these things happened a long time ago.. before flr. He's also done a lot of healing in the 10 years we've been together. HE is not the same person that he was when we got together. I don't think he has full blown PTSD anymore. The panic reactions have faded over time and with a lot of patience and work on my part. He still freezes when I put him on the spot, and oftentimes he's still hesitant to share his feelings and thoughts with me, but at this point, I think that's more habit, than reaction.  He still hides behind his walls, though, and I hate it.

My point? I am tired of not sharing large parts of who I am with my husband, partner, and lover. I'm tired of the silence, and of feeling like he is completely disinterested in things that are important to me. I don't want to second guess myself, or stop myself from doing something simply because I don't know if it will make him freeze up. I want to be the spontaneous woman I was before.  

I miss that woman. She was fun, brutally honest, sexy, Spiritual, confident, caring, and fully engaged in her life. I've kept so much back over the years to avoid being hurt that I feel like a shell of who I was.

I'm not blaming my knight for this. I am the one who chose to protect myself from his fears and thoughtlessness (and that IS what it was. My knight would never intentionally hurt me, but he is careless and thoughtless at times, and he used to be terrified of upsetting me. And until 5 years ago or so, he was still dealing with full- blown PTSD thanks to his ex.)  I chose to stick by him, help him, and, stay in the marriage. But in doing so, I stopped sharing those parts of myself that his thoughtless actions could hurt. So, yes, it's my fault.. I did this to myself and I own that.

But, now.. I want to undo it, and I'm not sure how.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Tonight He Gets His Chastity Device

Last night my knight pissed me off. He was given a total of 4 tasks yesterday.

1. Be home on time
2. Make a list of 3 house and land goals for the next year
3. Make a list of 3 family goals for the next year
4. Build a fire in the grill and bbq dinner for me.

That's it. Number 1 was critical - be home on-time. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of buying this house and land. I planned a small family celebration that included a bbq, talking about goals for the next year, making some plans, and a celebratory toast with sparking cider. The whole thing hinged on him leaving work on-time. I'm usually pretty permissive about him working overtime. I don't often tell him that he absolutely must leave work exactly on-time. He knew what was expected, and he knew why. We've been talking about this for a week. .

So, when he emailed me from work 45 minutes after he was supposed to have left to tell me he was on the phone with someone, I was less than happy. I was expecting him to be home any minute. Now, I understand that he was on the phone with the project manager of his part-time job. But, there is no reason he could not have told her, "Hey, let me call you back from my cell because I need to leave the office and start heading home. We can talk along the way." That would have been perfectly reasonable

I put the salmon steaks that had been marinating all day in the oven, instead of lighting the grill because I don't grill. It's not that I can't - I'm pretty darned good with a grill- it's that standing by the hot grill is simply one of those things I expect him to do now. Like putting gas in the cars, or taking the garbage out.

When he finally got home, over an hour late, I tried to continue on with our celebration plans. Except when we got to the part where everyone shares things they'd like to do with our land over the next year everyone except my knight was prepared. Even our nine year old had her three suggestions ready. I sat there with my family and quietly stewed.

It turned out that he didn't have any family goals ready either. Again, all three of our kids were prepared, and knight was not.

I continued on with our celebration. I didn't want to let knight's lack of action completely destroy our family celebration.

As soon as the kids were in bed, and we were alone, I let knight have it. I let him know exactly how angry and upset I was that he didn't follow through on  his tasks.  I don't like handing down punishments when I'm angry, so I told him that he will receive two punishments. One for not leaving work on time, and the second for not completing his task list.

I've decided that one of his punishments will be to be locked for the first time ever. Maybe if I lock him, it will help him remember just who is in charge, and who's wishes are supposed to take priority.

As for the second punishment, I'm not sure yet. I'm considering having him kneel naked in front of me, and apologize for not completing his task list, then, list reasons why we do flr, and why he is expected to complete his task list every day. Then, leaving him there, on his knees for a bit while I do something else.  After he's been there for about an hour, I'll have him stand, while I lock him in chastity. When that is done, maybe I'll tell him to use his tongue on me until I orgasm before I go to sleep.


Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...