Intimate Denial Experience

I have discovered that I like the emotional charge we get out of playing the denial game with my knight. He loves it, too.

Orgasm denial seems to bring us emotionally closer than typical sex ever could. Through his orgasm denial we  seem to have found emotional connection we both felt was missing. Sure we were open and connected emotionally before, but only on what felt like a surface level. We both craved something more.... intense. And I think we've found it.


To me, there is nothing sweeter or more emotionally charged than having my Knight lie in my arms after we make love, with is hard, throbbing cock resting in my hand or against me. Every so often as he's calming down I caress his cock just to listen to his continued moans of pleasure. I love it that he becomes so sensitive that simply putting my hand on his back sends shivers down his spine. And, I readily admit that love knowing he trusts me enough to give me complete control of his orgasms. There's no whining, no complaining and no objections when I bring our love making sessions to a close without allowing him to release. My sweet Knight simply curls up with me looking happy and completely contented. It's an amazing feeling, really.

Of course, the longest we've gone is a week and a half. We'll see how he reacts when we start to stretch that out to two weeks or more.  I probably won't go any longer than a month.  As much as I love his reactions when I deny him, I equally love watching the waves of sensation ripple through his body when he finally gets to release. Denial has made his orgasms so much stronger. It's a very cool thing.


Of course I need to learn to read him better, or I need to have him tell me when we're getting too close to that edge. I've missed the signs a couple of times and pushed him to a release when I didn't mean to.  And that it totally my fault. When I go too far, I let him ride out the orgasm and we start over.

Last night we were talking about the whole denial thing. I asked him if he's having fun with is. His answer, "How could I not? Why do you even question it?"  I pointed out that it's on thing to hand over all the decision making "power" especially since that really isn't much of a change from before. But it's an entirely different thing to give me that same control in the bedroom. His answer was "Of course I like it."  I then informed him of my intention to keep the denial thing going for a longer period than we've previously done before. I asked him if he wanted to know how long it will be, or if he'd rather be surprised.

My sweet Knight asked me to surprise him.

There is something incredibly sexy about that.

It's been about a month since I've posted to this blog. I've been busy with Christmas, making New Year preparations and dealing with teen drama. Yeah. Life's been hectic.

And through all the craziness of the last month my Knight has been amazing. It is such a wonderful thing to know I can give him specific directions and that those directions will be carried out. It's been freeing to know that I can delegate the less important tasks to him and they will be done. I admit that I still don't really understand WHY there is such an incredible difference in my Knight's behavior and reactions when I take the dominate role as opposed to taking a 50/50 position, but I'm not going to argue with it.  We are in a much better place than we were 6 months ago.

Thanksgiving Night

As I reflected on my life tonight, Thanksgiving 2011, I realized that one of the things I am deeply thankful for is that my knight and I finally figured out what it was that he wanted from me. I'm thankful that starting on this FLR path has helped us strengthen and preserve our marriage. If we had not started this FLR "thing" back in August, I doubt very much that my knight and I would still be together today. Instead of spending the day cooking and playing with the kids together we would have been trying to juggle the kids between two homes.

Starting a FLR instead of trying to shoehorn ourselves into a "traditional" relationship has saved our marriage. No, things are not perfect. But we are no longer fighting against each other to achieve the same goals. Before nobody was in charge.. we were trying to do things 50/50 and it did not work for us. My knight did not want to make the decisions and I saw his constant inability to take action as I thought he should as a serious character flaw. Now I understand that he was getting stuck on finding the decision that would make ME happy, and without guidance from me that was impossible

I am thankful that we are working saving our marriage.. that there is hope for our marriage again.

Local Groups

I wonder if talking to real people who are in a FLR would help me to stay on track and remember what I'm supposed to be doing here. I have found that I get busy with the day-to-day and forget to take my place as leader. With my knight working nights, it's easy to go on about my day and forget.

I need some sort of reminder that I am responsible for taking the leadership role with my knight. With him working nights it's easy to fall into taking care of house, kids, and my businesses and forget to manage my knight as well.

Last week I pretty much ignored the whole FLR thing without meaning to. My knight came home from work, we talked for 20 min or so and I sent him to bed. I woke him up in time for dinner and bedtime routines with the kids. We saw each other for a total of 3 hours, and during that time we were both occupied with kid related tasks. As soon as the kids are in bed, it's time for my knight to to leave for work. That leaves no time for much of anything.

We both missed the tease/denial game we had going on. At the same time the week I did that it was a lot of work and although I enjoyed the game, I didn't get much benefit from it. Actually, I started to resent it a little bit because I was doing *everything* from housework to cooking to kid care to running our businesses AND making the time to wake him up several times a day for a quick tease session. But.. when my knight was awake, he was too busy and tired to do much of anything.

When he was working day shift we didn't have that problem FLR was easy, natural and comfortable for both of us. I wanted to add the tease/denial to the mix because we have enjoyed it the handful of times I've introduced it as a game.

I need suggestions on making this work with him working nights. How do you go about finding *local* people who live the FLR life?

Maintaining Control

It's easy to maintain the new control dynamic when there is little going on at home. It's a lot harder when we're busy.  I need to do a better job of remember I'm the one in control when my knight is off from work.

His days off started off great. We continued our teasing game and were both having fun with it. Right up until the point things got hectic. Sure, I was still in control.. but I got caught up with my own work, kids, household stuff etc and forgot to have fun with it. By midnight last night, I was feeling a little bit neglected. And it was my own fault -- I gave my knight clear directions on what I needed him to do around the house and with the kids while he was off work, but I neglected to give him instructions as to what *I* wanted. In my head I had planned lots of massages and playtime for me. But I was miserably bad at telling him that.

This is going to take some practice.

An Assignment

Last night before I went to bed I gave my knight an assignment. Write a fantasy.. something I haven't heard before. He partially followed directions-- He wrote out the fantasy. But, it's not anything I didn't know about him. My sweet knight claims that what I asked of him is impossible because I already know all his fantasies. Either way.. the fiction below was written by my Knight.


He snapped a picture of them as they kissed.

This was his fantasy, but of course it was hers, as well.  He stepped back, and moved down the bed, taking picture after picture of hands caressing, fingers teasing, bodies pressed together.

The kiss ended, and one mouth, tongue trailing, traveled from lips to chin to neck, with an occasional pause to nibble.  He took a picture of teeth on her chin, another of a fluttering kiss on her Adam's apple, and one more of teasing tongue flickering, tauntingly, over her right nipple.  He looked up, to catch her eye, but both were closed as she focused on things besides him, so he went back to his camera.

The tongue continued to travel, leaving a slight shimmering trail between her breasts, down her stomach, and twirling lazily a dozen laps around her navel.  For a moment, blonde hair fell, and blocked his view, but before he could reach for it and clear the image, before he could even comment on it, a free hand whisked it out of the viewfinder, just before the tongue trailed down through her pubic hair and disappeared, out of sight, playing, teasing, seeking her clitoris.  He took a picture of that, too, and of her back arching completely off the bed when that tongue found it.

He stepped close for a close-up, and the owner of the tongue obliged, spreading her pussy lips wide to show tongue teasing her clit.  Hands wrapped firmly around thighs to keep the bucking body from squirming totally out of reach of the questing, probing, flicking tongue.  And he stepped back for a few full-body shots, showing the blonde hair spilling across her thighs, and the red flush that started in her cheeks and spread nearly to her nipples, and one close-up shot of a fist, twisted in sheet, clenched tightly, almost ripping the fabric.

He took a series of pictures of her head thrown back, moaning softly, muscles tight in her neck, as her body bucked and arched and quivered through an orgasm, and then a stronger, more powerful one that had her entire body except her head completely off the bed.

And one more photo, of her eyes barely open, of a smile upon her lips, and a tongue that just peeked out from between those lips, as the blonde hair trailed up her body and nestled in the crook of her arm.  He smiled at the look on her face; she smiled back, and reached for his zipper.

The last picture he took before the camera was completely forgotten was of two tongues, touching playfully, teasing each other, as they darted and played hide-and-seek around the  purple tip of his erection.

When The Rest of the Family Doesn't Get It.

Tonight we were all eating dinner and watching a movie together. A few minutes after my knight finished eating I asked him to get us some cake. Then I told the kids they could each have a piece of leftover birthday cake when they were done eating.

My 16 yr old daughter accused me of being unfair to my knight for asking him get up and get me cake. Now, my daughter doesn't know anything about the FLR arrangement between me and my knight, but when you get right down to it, in the practical day-to-day NOTHING has changed since our move to FLR. My knight has always deferred to me, done things for me and tried to anticipate my needs and wants. From day one his behavior has been that of a faithful knight, looking for ways to serve his queen. So,to my daughter's eyes nothing has changed, except my knight and I no longer argue. 



A year or so ago, my daughter asked me my knight does so many things for me that I can do myself. I simply told her that it makes him feel needed, and it makes him happy. She told me that she thinks I'm bossing him around and being unfair and demanding. This was before FLR came into our life.

She's entitled to her opinion, but really.. it's none of her business.
The logistics of my relationship with my knight (who is not her father) is between him and me.

I am perfectly willing to explain the basics of a FLM with her so that she can understand why I am in charge. Her bio father is in a very religious based male-led marriage, and she readily accepts that in that house, he is in charge and his wife is expected to follow his lead. So, why is it so difficult to understand that her mom and step-dad have the exact opposite arrangement for different reasons?

Any suggestions from the more experienced among you?

The Beginning of the Tease

My knight came home this morning and after 30 min or so of general chit chat, I led him into our bedroom. As we laid on our bed still talking about the people he works with I put finger to his lips and looked at him deeply. Slowly, I unbuttoned his shirt and laid my head on his chest. My finger traced along his stomach, down past his belly button, into the waistband of his slacks and back up again. After a few minutes I stopped, and we went back to our mundane conversation. We talked about my evening and what I did while he was gone. I mentioned that I spent a couple hours reading blogs written by other couples in FLMs and added a few to my blog roll. In passing, I told him  I posted the email I sent him last night to the blog and he gave me an amused look. I asked him if he likes the thought of complete strangers reading about how I'm teasing and controlling him.

He shrugged and answered, " I enjoy it because you enjoy it, babe."

I almost bought it.... almost believed that he was really only doing this for me. And then I ran my hand over his cock. He was rock hard.

I grinned at him. "Sure, baby. You just don't want to admit how much you're loving this."

I undid his slacks and pulled his cock out. He squirmed under my touch. I ran the palm of my hand over the tip until he started to moan. I grabbed the shaft and pumped his cock a couple times and leaned over and swirled the tip between my lips. Leaning over further I took the whole thing in my mouth, so that my lips rested on his balls. I pulled back, creating a bit of suction and then went up for a kiss. Now that he had access, he reached up my shirt and found a nipple to play with. As he sucked my nipples I played with his cock and balls, quickly bringing him to the edge. I ran my hand up and down his stomach and chest to give his cock a break and sat back and enjoyed what he was doing. After a few minutes, I snuggled up close to him and told him that it was time for him to go to sleep. My hand found his cock and played with it until he moaned. I took him in my mouth and my lips and tongue brought him back to the edge.

I pulled away and kissed his stomach. "Bedtime for you, my love." I told him.

He got up and got undressed the rest of the way. Before I left the room I grabbed his cock in both my hands, leaned in and kissed him. "Don't worry, baby, I'll be back in a little bit."

Then I walked out and left him to sleep for a bit. 

The Teasing Fun Begins

I sent the following email to my knight while he was at work last night:

you know the good news, right? tomorrow is your Friday... 

you know what that means?? I'm going to start  teasing the hell out of you tomorrow. If you're lucky, I'll let you go off before you go  back to work on Wed night.. 

.... and remember.... no doing it yourself.. 

I love you

My sweet knight is in for a couple interesting days.

A Bit of Fiction

This is the beginning of a story I'm writing. I started this for my knight, but have since  decided to share parts of it here. 

Opinions are welcome.

The note on the door that joined our house and garage was my first indication that she was up to something. “Get naked and come in though the back door. Leave your clothes and shoes in the car.”

I stripped in our garage as instructed. She'd never left me a note like this before and my mind tried to figure out what she was planning. I took my time folding my jeans and shirt while I thought about what could be waiting for me inside. Why, after 20 years of marriage was I acting like a nervous school boy when faced with walking in my own home nude? My palms were sweaty and my breathing shallow. I considered getting dressed and pretending I hadn't seen her note, but I didn't want to disappoint her. I took a deep breath and opened the door to the house.

I found her sitting on the couch with a glass of what appeared to be wine in her hand. She stood up and smiled at me. Her deep blue, strapless gown was elegant and beautiful. She leaned over and put her wine glass on the end table, giving me a great view of her cleavage.

“Oh, good. You're home,”she said leaning in to kiss me.“ I see you found my note,” she said as she reached down and tickled my balls with her nails.

I blushed. “Yes I found your note. What's this all about?” I asked as I ran my hand over the bust of her silk gown.

She grinned at me and ran her nails down my back and whispered in my ear, “Pour yourself a glass of wine and then get dinner off the counter. Bring it in for me.” She followed up the request with a deep kiss.

I poured my wine, took a sip and then headed into the kitchen. If I was nervous before, now I just felt ridiculous. And exposed and unsure and nervous. I hadn't been this nervous around her since the day I asked her to marry me

I grabbed the plate of finger foods on the counter and carried it into the living room.

I set the plate on the coffee table with a flourish, “Your dinner milady.”

She leaned in to kiss me and the next thing I knew, my hands were tied behind my back. “Hey! What are you doing?” I shouted out of surprise.

Shift Adjustment

I hoped to have a fun, sexy story with pics to post today, but unfortunately, that's not the case. My knight's new work schedule gives him Monday and Tuesday nights off. I planned a little something special for him for Monday night and Tuesday night, but the schedule adjustment has made him grouchy and unwilling to remember some of our basic rules. Last night was ruined by his simple neglect to check in with me before making other plans. Monday night's plans had to be canceled because of simple rudeness.

I know these issues are caused by the schedule change because they are completely out of character for him. He's feeling sad and lonely because we are on different sleep schedules. My knight gets depressed, sad, lonely, and very whiny when we can't sleep curled up together. Somewhere deep inside he seems to take it personally. On an emotional level if he can't sleep curled up around me he feels like I am disappointed him him, or mad at him, or rejecting him. He's okay one or two nights, but longer than that is a problem. I understand that, and so didn't issue a consequence for his transgressions.

But, that does not make the behavior excusable.

At the same time, it's my job to find a solution that will work for both of us. I'm working on it. Hopefully this week will go better.

His First Real Consenquence

My knight faced his first real, "Awww shit. I pissed her off" moment since we started this whole female-led marriage arrangement.

He came home from work this morning and dropped his "lunch" dishes in the sink, and then went to bed. He barely said "hi" to me or the kids at all.

I wasn't upset about him going to bed, after all, he was working while the rest of us were sleeping, and he really didn't get much sleep on Sunday. My problem was the dishes. He tossed his half empty, covered plastic storage bowls in the empty sink, when it was obvious that I was washing and prepping fruits to be put in the dehydrator. Besides, we have a rule around here that everyone is responsible for washing their own dishes. *Everyone*.. even my 5 yr old washes their own food dishes. I was pots and pans for the younger kids and after family meals, but individual dishes are the responsibility of the user.


And that includes my husband.

I was fuming. It seems like a little thing, but before FLR he had a habit of leaving dishes, clothes, messes, etc where ever they happened to fall until I came along to clean it up. Needless to say that got really old after a very short time.

Today, I started to get angry. I felt taken advantage of. But, then I remembered the whole FLR thing.. I didn't have to get angry. I could simply hand down a consequence.

And that's exactly what I did. I saved every single dish the kids and I used for the rest of the day, and had my knight wash them for me when he got up. I told him we would not go out tonight and he would not help me shop tonight for our daughter's 6th birthday tomorrow if the dishes were not done when dinner was over.

The dishes are done. And the whole incident is over. Before FLR I would have been angry and hurt, and we probably would have ended up arguing over those stupid plastic storage containers.

But not this time.

Adjusting to a New Schedule

We've just gotten the hang of this female-led marriage arrangement (I think, anyway) and things are changing. My knight started working the overnight shift. His first overnight "day" was Saturday night. He worked from 11pm until 8 am  after being up all day with me and the kids. We helped run a chess tournament and did family stuff all day, and then he took off for work without even a nap. This morning he came home and went to church with me and the kids. Our son was playing in the string group and even though I gave him permission to stay home my knight requested to come along anyway. He didn't want to miss kiddo's first string performance. As soon as kiddo was done playing, I ordered my knight to go sleep in our car until we were done.

Right now, I am contemplating a plan of action for making sure my knight gets enough sleep, while maintaining our newly found order. Knowing him, he will need my guidance and instruction NOW more than he typically does. He does not think clearly when he's tired. I will work on finding a routine which allows him enough sleep time but still gives us time together, and gives him time with the kids.

We'll see how this works out. AND I need to tell him to pWe've just gotten the hang of this female-led marriage arrangement (I think, anyway) and things are changing. My knight started working the overnight shift. His first overnight "day" was Saturday night. He worked from 11pm until 8 am  after being up all day with me and the kids. We helped run a chess tournament and then didull a slip from the consequence box. I asked my knight to clean out the fridge yesterday while I went grocery shopping. He did the job.. but he did a bad job of it.  How are we going to find time for rewards or consequences with him working nights?? Typically our private time for such things has been at night, after the kids go to bed. If he's at work, how will this pan out?

Only time will tell, I guess.

Even though I messed it up at the end, last night was sweet and special. Two days ago, I sent my knight a series of texts that read:

"Tonight, I am taking pictures of my hands around your hard cock for queenandknight. After I get the pics, I want your mouth on my tits, and your hand deep inside me. Make me come until I tell you to stop. Then,snuggle up, with your hand on my tit. You'll have to wait until later for yours"

 That night was busy and hectic. We didn't get to bed until much later than I had intended, and he gets up for work at 430am. I told him he needs his sleep and we would reschedule our playtime for the next night. He sighed, obviously disappointed, but snuggled up and played with my tits until he feel asleep. 

The next day passed uneventfully and we went to bed early. Stretched out next to my knight, I  casually reached down and grabbed his cock. Slowly I played and massaged until he was hard. I got up from our bed and retrieved the clove massage oil I make just for him, and the camera. I snapped a couple pictures of the oil making it's way from his down his cock to his balls. Then, I ran a fingernail up the path the oil took, finally wrapping my hand around the head of of his cock. I swirled his cock-head in the palm of my hand, spreading the oil. Then, I pulled back and took several pictures. 

When I was done with the pictures, I said, "You know these pics are going on my blog for everyone to see, right? Complete strangers will see your hard cock covered in oil, with my hand around it."

I put the camera and the oil on my bedside table and added, "And they'll know that I didn't let you do anything with it."

I made my way back to bed. As I reached the bed he reached out and pulled me toward him. His mouth found my nipple at the same time as his hand found my pussy. As he worked me toward my first orgasm I reached out and took his cock in both of my hands, rubbing gently. After a few minutes, I stopped and gave full concentration to my orgasm. 

As my shudders stopped, I laid my knight on his back and straddled his cock. Gently, I kissed his lips, forehead, cheeks and neck. Then, I lowered myself to take his hard, large cock deep inside me.  I  sat there for a few minutes while he rubbed my sides, stomach and tits. I love the way he feels inside me, and could be totally satisfied having him rest deep inside me. 

Finally, I started rocking and swaying. Small movements at first, and then larger and harder circles. After a few minutes I had my second orgasm, this one sent ripples through my entire body. I gave him a little break, and then slid down his body and took his cock deep into my mouth so the head of his cock was against the back of my throat. He shivered. I sucked, nibbled and teased until he was almost ready to come. Then, I moved to straddle his thighs. His cock rested against my pussy, giving him a much needed break. I leaned over and kissed him. As I did his hand found my most sensitive spot and went to work. I moved to give

him access to my tits. It was like this that I had my third and forth orgasms. My hands found his hardness and he almost came with me, but I stopped him just in time.

I moved and curled up next to him with the intention of letting him go soft in my hands as we fell asleep. But sometimes even the best intentions take a wrong turn. I gently massaged his cock and ball pulling them away from his body in the way that usually helps him calm down. He started shaking and I knew he was going to come no matter what I did, so I took his cock in both my hands and brought him to a hard and intense orgasm. As my knight shuddered in my arms, I decided that next time I'll use one of my scarves around his balls and cock to help him hold back.

 

He's Not The Only One Who Has to Learn

For the first year of so of our relationship my knight thanked me every time after every single orgasm. In my, more traditional experience, that was weird, and I eventually asked him to stop. I also thought it was odd when he commented that he believed if he didn't get laid it was because he probably didn't "deserve it." He mentioned having to "earn sex" more than once.

Yeah.. he dropped a lot of hints as to what he wanted from me, didn't he.

So.. now that we've (finally) agreed to this female led marriage arrangement, I need to readjust my thinking a bit. I've always been into seeing him happy. My knight has always gone out of his way to do things for me and to see to my comfort. I'm starting to understand that the times he has not done so was most likely a lack of understanding as to what would make me happy or comfortable.

In the past, I have often gotten into the habit of taking care of him sexually while ignoring my own desires. Mostly because my knight's emotional needs are very closely tied to how physically close we are. If I don't touch him as I walk by, or if I sit apart from him on the couch, he assumes I am somehow unhappy with him.

But, with this new arrangement I am seeing that I need to take a greater control in the bedroom and give him opportunities to earn his release, maybe even bring back his inclination to thank me after sex to underline the point that I am in control of when and if he releases. There have been several times recently, and in fact he gets into the habit of, forgetting to make sure I orgasm at least once before he does. It's been an ongoing challenge between us. He'll put me first for months and then all of a sudden my needs seem completely non existent to him. That continues until I just stop having sex with him because it has become an exercise in frustration.

I won't let that happen anymore. I told him this morning that I want to start teaching him about tantric sex. We've discussed it a couple of times, but never really put any effort into it. Mostly because of lack of effort on his part.This time will be different. I've known a couple of guys who become multi-orgasmic using tantric methods. I want that for him. I want that for us.  I also want him to pay more attention to the fact that I if I don't orgasm at least twice I'm just not satisfied.

 Yes, my sweet knight, this will be a learning experience for us both.

Rewards and Consequences

I've decided we need a reward and consequence system. I've decided to create 2 boxes. Each box will contain at least 10 paper slips. One box will hold rewards, and the other consequences.

When my sweet knight has done something to particularly please me I will instruct him to take one or more slips from the reward box. He's not allowed to look in the box as he chooses his reward slips. I will give him, or allow him whatever is written on that slip. When the reward has been granted he will return the slip to the box.

When he's done something to disappoint or anger me he will be instructed to choose one or more slips from the consequence box. When the required consequences have been fulfilled he will return the slip to the box.

I have asked him to write out 5 consequences and 5 rewards for himself, and I have also written out 5 of each. I've not seen what he's come up with yet but here are my ideas.

Rewards:

• A "freebie" blow job. 
• Money to spend at the adult toy store on whatever he wishes
• Time for a naughty photoshoot of his choice
• 2 hours playing video games on a Saturday 
• Time to himself for a photography excursion. Can be with or without me.. his choice. Amount of time allowed is determined by me.

Consequences:

• Change the cat boxes
• Watch me pleasure myself. He can not touch me,or himself, and he can't grab the camera. He can cuddle with me afterwards, but only if I ask him to. No sex until the next day.
• I will refuse to touch him for a specific number of days. (number of days is determined by me when he picks this consequence. It will be based on the severity of the infraction)
• I will assign him extra chores
• He must sleep on his own side of the bed instead of curled up with me like he usually does. 

Feel free to make suggestions in the comments section. 

Orgasm control

I am experimenting with orgasm control with my husband. As part of our arrangement he has agreed not to masturbate without my express permission and not to orgasm without my okay.

I don't deny him often -- I happen to enjoy watching him come and usually he gets that release at least 4 times a week. But, sometimes  I enjoy playing and teasing for several days before I allow him to release.

Saturday was one such day. Before we got out of bed Saturday morning I spent a good long time playing with his cock. I used my mouth and hands to bring him almost to orgasm and then stopped for a few minutes to let him calm down. After three or four times of this I told him, to enjoy it because that's all he was getting for now, I was just playing with him. I pulled him close to me and let him play with my nipples for a while. When his raging hard on started to ease I started all over again.

As we were getting up he asked me why I like this game so much. I like this game because I like what it does to his energy. When I keep him going like this he is more attentive to the things and people around him. He's more sensitive when I touch him, too. Plus, the longer I keep him in suspense, the harder and more intense it is for him when I finally let him come. I love watching him get so into the sensations of his body that he loses track of everything else.  He only lets go like that when I play, tease and deny him for a while.

It takes a strong man

I've done a lot of reading regarding female-led relationships lately.  I've read blogs and websites from both the man's and woman's perspective. And one thing I have learned is that it takes a strong man who is secure in himself as a man to admit to, and ask for, a female led relationship.

Our society expects all men to fit in one mold. Men are "supposed to be" strong, leaders who act as heads of their households. They are expected to make the decisions and financially support the family while making career their first priority.

But, you know what? Not all men actually *want* that. Some men are perfectly content to follow the lead of the woman they love. For some men, it's the way they express love, trust and devotion.

In my eyes, it takes a stronger man to follow his heart against the grain of society's expectations than it does to try to fit himself into a mold made by others.

Why queen and knight

When my husband and I first got together, he used to play around and tell me he was my knight and it was his duty and privilege to serve me.

Once he wrote me a beautiful poem about how the knight serves and honors his queen. In the poem it was obvious that I was the queen to whom the poem referred.

Wow.. I guess I should have taken the hint 8 years ago, huh? I could have saved us both a lot of pain and heartache if I had just honored his request to give him "more guidance" as he called it.

In the beginning ....

First, let me say that I love my husband. He is sweet, sensitive, strong, intelligent, and creative. If asked, he will tell anyone that he is completely devoted to me and our family.

But, if you had asked me 6 months ago if I was happy in my marriage I would have told you no. Absolutely NOT.  I was on the brink of leaving him and filing for divorce.

And, truth be told, he was not any happier than I was. We were arguing constantly, and although he understood most of why I was angry and frustrated with him, he said he didn't know how to fix it.

I began to see my husband as lazy, inconsiderate and someone who just did not care.  He insisted that was not the case, but actions show things words do not.


He was constantly promising to do things, and then "forgetting" The list of broken promises stretched back for years. He was forgetful: he even forgot to pay the electric bill, resulting in the power being shut off several times. He was distant with me and uninvolved with our kids. My husband looked like a man who simply did not care.

He always had between 5 and 10 unfinished projects going on. Some as small as putting away a ladder. Others were complex, like repairing the tile in the downstairs shower.  But, with all these projects in various stages, it never seemed as if he actually accomplished anything. 

Meanwhile, I felt stuck. I was caring for and homeschooling our 6 kids, doing all the housework, all the cooking, managing all the kid activities, plus working a full time job and a part time job from home.  I was running from 6 am until 1 am every day of the week trying to keep our family together. My husband seemed to thing that simply going to work every day was enough.



Finally one afternoon I had had it with him. I was done with the broken promises, forgotten tasks and doing everything myself. I told him we were done. I started looking for a home for myself and our children. In a final ditch effort to save our marriage, my husband resurrected a private on-line journal that we started several years ago as at way to discuss hot emotional topics without him getting defensive.

In tears, I read through 5+ years of conversations. It occurred to me that we had been having the exact same fight over and over again for years. It also occurred to me that my husband had been asking me to give him more direction in my expectations of him in every area of our life. There were several times in that journal where he flat out said, "I don't know what is most important. Can you give me a list?" 

I had always told him no.. to grow up and learn to assess each situation for the most important tasks and then go do them.

His response to that was always the same. He was clueless.

My ideas of a fair and balanced relationship required him to learn to look around and decide for himself what needed to be done. Whether we were talking about the housework, kids' needs, work goals or relationship goals, I expected him to understand the tasks needed at any given time.  The idea of telling him what needed done was a turn off to me. It was like treating him like a child.

And yet, my sweet husband would constantly make comments like "If you're not happy, I'm not doing my job." Or, "Seeing you happy is my sole mission in life." One time when I asked him to do me a favor his response was "I live to do things for you."

In my experience with men, comments like that were nothing more than sweet utterances designed to earn brownie points. Never had I met a man who was so devoted to his woman that he would willingly serve her.

As I re-read those 5 years of journal conversations I began to understand that this man, my husband, really and truly *meant* those things. That he craved direction from me. Not because he was incompetent and incapable, as I had come to believe, but because he truly, deeply wanted/needed to do only those things which made me happy. His entire self worth was wrapped around my contentedness with him as my husband. When he was unsure what I wanted him to do first, he became tense, stressed and unable to choose a path.

I started reading about female led relationships and what the men in those relationships got from the arrangement. As I read blogs and websites written by female led men I saw a lot of my husband in the words of those guys.  I decided to give this a try.


Without mentioning female led relationships I asked my husband if it would help if I gave him a daily task list. His relief was obvious. So, I started emailing him a list of items to do every morning and every afternoon.  To my surprise, he happily completed most of the items on the list. But, more importantly, our relationship changed. Our conversations became more intimate. He cuddled more. Before we would go weeks without even touching in passing. Now, he made it a point to sit next to me, to give me little kisses at random moments. We held hands more. He started opening up emotionally, sharing thoughts, dreams, goals, and fantasies more easily than he had in years. My husband was obviously less stressed, more relaxed, and happier than he had been in years. His mild depression seemed to fade within 2 weeks.

Our kids saw a difference, too. My husband played with them more, listened to them more closely and seemed to really enjoy just "being dad."

We evaluated the arrangement a month later. His take on it was that he no longer had to guess at what he needed to do each day. He no longer had to listen to his brain telling him to try to complete 50 things at once. My lists made it okay for him to focus on just one thing at a time. During the evaluation period, my husband asked me to continue taking the lead role in all areas of our life. He says he's happier than he ever has been. And as for me, I'm no  longer scoping out divorce lawyers.


I have to admit.. I still don't completely understand why he needs this from me. But, from talking to my husband and listening closely to his words and actions I do know that he is happier and more confident in our new arrangement.