This morning, when my Knight came home from work, he looked exhausted. I settled the kids in their various homeschool assignments and told them I was going to go talk to Daddy for a minute. My Knight's eyes lit up when he heard me tell the kids. No matter how exhausted he is he never goes to bed until I tell him to, and I usually don't lie down with him because of the kids schedule.
We got into our bedroom. I had him strip and curl up around me with his head on my chest. He reached in my bra to grab a tit and played with my nipple like he always does while he falls asleep. While one hand rubbed his head and neck, the other gently played with his cock. I told him to relax and go to sleep. His breath on my tits sent shivers through me. But his contented sighs as he fell asleep in my arms made me feel incredibly protective over him. I am the only person in existence who has this effect on, and power over, him, and that's pretty damned special.
It's times like these when I really.. seriously regret all the pain I caused us by trying to shoehorn him into a "traditional" role. Even though he never said the words, hell, didn't really even realize himself that he wanted a FLR, he did drop lots and lots of hints from the day we met. I always assumed those sweet words were...just that - words. He was trying to put his entire world in my hands, dedicate himself entirely to me. And I told him to grow the fuck up and be a REAL partner, and stop acting like a helpless child. He told me that he wanted to pamper me like the queen that I am and I told him that was dumb, we should pamper each other. I got mad at him for not letting me do things for him because he felt he didn't deserve them. I even told him it was stupid to sometimes feel that he didn't deserve sex. He told me that the reason for his existence was to fulfill my every desire and wish. I told him that was impossible. He asked me who I wanted him to be and I said he was being wishy-washy. He said his whole world fell apart when I was angry with him.. that he couldn't concentrate, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat.. couldn't function when I was upset with him. I told him that no one, including me should have that much power over him and he needed to grow a pair.
It's no wonder my sweet Knight felt like he could do nothing right. No wonder why he thought I was always angry and disappointed in him. He was trying to give me his world.. his every thought, his every action. And I was so caught up in my own strength and ideas of what a fair relationship was ,that I didn't understand his words were real, and that I my instance on 50/50 was hurting him. I didn't understand that we were arguing because he felt completely rejected by me. I didn't understand that this was his way of expressing his love and devotion to me and our family.
I am sorry. After about 4 months of trying this "FLR thing" I see such a change in my Knight. He's more confident, content and just plain happier. I caused him so much pain -- caused us both a lot of pain and heartache because I didn't understand. Baby, I'm sorry.