Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Communication (or Lack of Thereof) is a Bitch

Frustration is setting in. I have tried several times to encourage my Knight to tell me exactly what he wants from our FLR. I want to know what it is he needs and expects... what motivates him to strive to meet my expectations and what makes things more difficult for him. I want to understand the whys and hows of this whole thing in his head.

But all I ever get is "I just want you to be happy, Babe."

Yeah. I get that. And I appreciate it, and it's one of the things I so love about him. BUT... there has to be more to this that his desire to make me happy.

Doesn't there?

I want to know what makes my Knight tick. I want to know where his head wanders when no one is looking. I want him to share those deep thoughts that he thought he'd never share with anyone else.

Yeah, I'm asking a lot. But I'm not asking anything I'm not willing to give, and I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I want to know these things so that I can use them to grow as his Queen, help his dreams and fantasies come true and ensure we're BOTH happy and content in our marriage.

Maybe I'm not asking the right questions? Maybe my Knight really does not know the answers? Maybe he still does not trust me enough to share these things? (that last one seems unlikely but the thought of it bothers me a lot).

I am doing my best to set aside quiet time every evening so that we can talk and explore his thought and ideas of where this should go. Every evening I get the same answers.  Maybe I need to try a different tactic.



9 comments:

  1. Perhaps you might try asking him to write it down for you? I know myself how difficult it is to say things face to face sometimes... getting him to write it down would give him time and space to think for himself and let it out. Good luck.

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    1. I have asked him to write it down.. several times, in fact.Time is not always on our side. Many nights we both intend to set aside time for his writing -- either journal time or time for his current WIP, but with 3 young kids and a teenager at home time is often elusive. I need to make it a bigger priority.

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  2. Mistress Angelique,

    I like both your approach and what Mr. RA is suggesting.

    My wife and I too had set aside a few moments each night. I would go over what I had done for her that day and also it would be a time I could verbalize other aspects.

    Sometime when two people live together a long time, a partner is afraid to speak their mind because they already think they know what the other person will say in response. I know this is true for me. As an example, I worked from home for several years. During my 'stealth submission' phase (before I told my wife) I would often wear a red ribbon around my neck as a chocker and make believe that my wife had told me to do so as a sign of my subservience to her. It would be a long time before I was ever able to verbalize this to her, as I was afraid of her reaction.

    One technique I had heard of, is to edge (bring your husband close to orgasm and then let go of the him to stop the stimulation. Do this a few times and then he is said to be more open to revealing things he has hidden.

    Also, I sometimes find, as Mr. RA is suggesting, that sending her e-mails and txt msgs I can write my feelings out with more liberty then if I was in the room with her. Perhaps open an electronic medium with your husband through the day if you both have cell phones. Perhaps you will gain insight that way.

    If he continues to be a blank slate in response to your requests, perhaps simply take him up on his response to just do things that sincerely make you happy. This may take some time for you to discover. My wife had a long time of this too, but now finds her leasiur time something she values and enjoys. She exercises after work, knowing I am tending the children and cooking dinner. She enjoys catching up on FaceTime and playing scrabble with her friends on her new iPad that she bought for herself. She also enjoys the DVR recordings of her TV shows. Often I am directed to massage her too. There are lots of ways you can find to enjoy yourself and if that is what he is asking you to do, I do not see the harm in letting him see you do so. I think you may find you flaunting your enjoyment as he is relegated to menial tasks to be something he finds enjoyment in himself.

    Sincerely,

    -SH

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  3. Angelique,
    A couple of thoughts came to mind:

    1. This statement from SH is significant: If he continues to be a blank slate in response to your requests, perhaps simply take him up on his response to just do things that sincerely make you happy

    2. In that light a comment I often make to Katie is "you're the Domme, do whatever you want"

    3. It be nice to hear comments from Dominant women on this to get a female perspective

    4. You may want to try doing things that you have an interest in that may stretch him to find out just where he stands. For example, if you walked into the room with a chastity device and told him you were going to lock him up for the next three weeks, I bet you'd get an opinion on that decision of yours. If you told him you wanted him to wear a bow around his neck to work I'd bet he'd voice his opinion. I bet if you told him to shave his body hair from the neck down, I think he'd speak up. In other words if you want to get conversation going beyond the 'I just want to keep you happy' I'm sure a devious Angelique could figure out ways of getting that to happen :)

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    1. I just might at that. Pushing his limits a bit might be the only way to find his limits and opinions. Good point.

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  4. Guys like a challenge. He has said "whatever makes you happy" well Tell him what you want and let him deal with it. My suspicion is that he will go to great lengths.

    In my case, I would love my wife to be more direct. I would also like her to have some fun with the submission thing. Tease me, make me do stuff infront of her girlfriends. The sexual tension builds the relationship. Makes it stronger.

    I like to talk. Maybe your guy doesn't or maybe he is afraid of saying the wrong thing?

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    1. He's not much of a talker, especially when it come to talking about how he's feeling. Heck, a lot of the time he doesn't know how he's feeling and so can't even begin to talk about it.

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  5. Tell him what you have just told us, assuming you haven't already. If you have, then I suspect he might be embarassed about what he would really like. reassure him that you want to know, or maybe just demand to know.

    If it helps, give him written headings like Domestic chores, punishments, personal services, interaction (how he would like to be treated and how he would like to treat you), and tell him to fill it in.

    I wish Jane would just ask me, show an interest like you.

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    1. I have told him. More than once in fact. I've done everything I can think of short of shocking the hell out of him to get an answer.I've tried edging him to get him to talk and got the same answer I always get. Sure, he answered me.. "I love you, babe and I just want you to be happy. That's my whole purpose in this life."

      I asked him to write it out for me. Even put it in his Google Calendar with detailed instructions of the questions I want him to think about and answer. Told him I won't even read it until he's good and ready for me to.

      That was a week and a half ago. I gave him a deadline of tomorrow. And he hasn't started it yet. Part of that is purely time and space related. He can't write personal stuff with the kids around, or when we're rushed for time. So, I'm going to extend his deadline a few days and arrange for some kid free time for us.

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