Why am I hesitant to change things up and push my Knight's limits a bit? Especially when my goal here is to find his limits in the first place? After my last post I received some great suggestions - including doing something out of the ordinary that I'll enjoy that will push my Knight's limits and put him in a position where he has to voice his opinion.
I've been thinking about this all day. I think my hesitation comes from the simple fact that we are in an FLR at my insistence. My Knight did not come out and ask for this. What he told me was that he would do absolutely anything to same our marriage, and this is what I came up with. I came to the conclusion that FLR was what he wanted and needed by reading our joint journal from start to finish so many times I practically had it memorized. I went through 4 years of discussions, arguments and ramblings to figure out what I was missing-- why we were having the problems that we were. His repeated comments led me to look into D/s arrangements and that's how I found FLR. A couple years ago I suggested to him that it seemed like he has submissive tendencies and asked if he'd be open to a D/s arrangement. He didn't say no, but went to great lengths to explain that he didn't see his need to fulfill my every wish as submissive. We went round and round trying to define how he DID see it for about 2 weeks before I dropped it out of frustration. My Knight could not explain it and I didn't have the knowledge to help him. We continued on the same hamster wheel for a couple years before I brought the subject up again. I came back to it because it seemed like he was doing it anyway. Again, he objected to terminology and I dropped it. A year ago I came back to it after he told me he would do absolutely anything I asked in order to save our marriage. I was so serious about leaving that I was looking for an apartment for him (I was keeping the house) and had a visitation schedule worked out for him and the kids. (My Knight is a great dad. He just wasn't much of a husband at the time.)
This time I had done my homework and I didn't use the terms dominant or submissive. I used the phrase FLR and his answer was "THAT is exactly what I've wanted all along, babe. For you to be in charge because you do it better than I do."
Okay.. so we've been FLR ever since. And things have been great. No more arguing, no more broken promises, seriously reduced my stress level. He's finally doing what I've always wanted him to do. I'm happier, he's happier and the kids are happier. It's a good thing.
But, the thing is that I know he only agreed to FLR to stay out of divorce court.
Or did he? Could it be that FLR really is what he's wanted all along but he was afraid to admit it until we wer e on the verge of divorce court? I don't want to push him into something he doesn't want. I ask him regularly if he's happy with the way things are going, if there is anything he'd like to change, or add, or improve or subtract from our arrangement. His answer is always the same... he's happy with the way things are, for the most part. Sometimes he says he's not clear on what I want from him. Those are usually the times when I'm stressed or super busy and not being much of a leader.
It occurred to me this morning that maybe he can't tell me what he wants as far as FLR limits because he really doesn't know. Could it be that even though he does have a submissive personality that he's never given it any real thought, and so doesn't know what he wants? Maybe I really do need to start pushing his limits so that we can actually find his limits?
I am usually very self-aware. I give a lot of thought to what I want, what I need and how to go about getting those things. I've taught/am teaching our kids to do the same because you can't reach your dreams if you don't know what your dreams are. My Knight has trouble identifying his feelings a good part of the time. Mostly because he's very action focused. Could it be that he is so focused on his self defined role of making me happy that he's given no thought at all to what he wants and what makes him happy?
Maybe I need to start having him experiment with things in order to find the answers I'm looking for.