On I'm hers there is a very honest discussion about the importance of the words used to make requests of a sub. It's got me thinking about the words I use. Most of the time when I make a request of my Knight I phrase it as a polite request. Saying something like, "Baby, would you take the pan out of the oven for me, please" or "I need you to have the dishes done by the time I get back. Thanks." are both fairly typical for me. It's rare that I feel the need to order my Knight. He responds so quickly (most of the time) to my suggestions, requests, and even to my off-handed comments that oftentimes I only need to mention that I'm thinking about completing a task and he volunteers to take care of it for me.
We both understand that my requests are really just politely phrased directions, and my Knight would never dream of saying no. First of all it's not in his nature to refuse anything I ask him, and second we've discussed it and it's understood that requests hold the same expectations as demands. Occasionally I do make demands, if the situation calls for it. A few days ago my Knight was washing dishes and I asked him to take the trash out because the dog was paying too much attention to the chicken bones therein. My Knight said he'd take care of the trash as soon as he finished the pan he was washing. I told him, "No, I want it done now." So, of course that's what happened. Sometimes my Knight tries to do too many things at once and I need to stop him and tell him what he needs to finish first.. That only happens when I've been lax in giving directions and he's not sure what he should be doing.
I have noticed that almost every time I order instead of ask (whether it's in email or in person) his answer is somewhere along the lines of "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"
So, I find myself wondering if I should give direct orders more often instead of asking. Maybe I'm missing a vital component by asking instead of telling? Many of the blogs I read would certainly suggest that to be the case. Should I phrase requests more directly when the kid are not around? Should my email and text requests be commands instead of questions? Maybe. It's hard to know for sure without an in-depth conversation with my Knight and he still has a hard time talking about the details of our FLR. We talk about things regularly... I make it a habit to ask him if he's enjoying the arrangement and if there are any changes he'd like to see.. anything he might like to do differently.
And.. every time we have this conversation he tells me that things are fine... that he's happy with the arrangement and doesn't want to change a thing. He still doesn't like the term "submissive" and says he isn't sure what he'd getting out of the arrangement emotionally except that he feels more secure with us and is happy we're not arguing anymore. I've noticed that while he seems more dependent on me for direction he's more independent and more confident in a lot of areas. I'm not sure that makes much sense but I don't know how else to explain it. It's like he has finally found his place. Actually, he's said that a couple times-- that he no longer feels like a third wheel.
So.. I know that the FLR arrangement is helping my Knight and he's happy with it. But what I can't seem to find out is whether it's a turn on for him or where those buttons are. I've asked, but like I said, it's hard for him to talk about.
I've asked him to write a page or two about how he feels the FLR had changed our relationship and what the arrangement does for him. He even said that he thinks writing it out will help him sort out his feelings and needs, so hopefully it will give me a little bit of insight. I have not decided if I'll share his writing here or not. It will depend on how comfortable he is sharing this very personal part of himself. I think this whole thing is a bit scary for him. I'm not sure what part of it scares him though because looking back at his past relationships. he's always been submissive to the women in his life. So, that has always been there.
I can't claim to understand, but I am trying.