Tuesday, December 4, 2012

It's Starting to Make Sense

Over the last year or so, I have been at a loss to explain why our flr will skate along smoothly for weeks, even months at a time and then, all of a sudden my Knight will start acting like a rebellious teenager. He'll start "forgetting" things, do things half-way, become mildly disrespectful, stop listening and then tell me "well.. I though you wanted..... "  and stop talking to me about anything of any importance. What usually happens is that I talk to him about what's going on, he makes excuses about being busy at work or something equally lame.  I'll start handing down penalties for not complying with my wishes. He ignores or otherwise blows off the penalties. And we're caught in a circle. At some point (and that point comes sooner and sooner as I become more comfortable with flr) I get super-firm and tell him I have had enough of his b.s.. I not so nicely remind him that he has absolutely no choice in the matter. He is to do exactly as I tell him.  By this point, I'm frustrated with him, and more than a little angry with him for putting me in the position of having to hand down real discipline.  When my Knight realizes that I really am angry with him, the whole issue dissolves away. He becomes my sweet Knight again and starts doing as I ask, thinking ahead to evaluate what I or the kids might need at any given time. He starts completing his daily chores without reminders again, and just generally doing what is expected of him.  But it takes me blowing up and getting truly angry with him to get back on track.

That same scenario replayed itself over the course of our recent move. By the time we were actually moved I was so angry with my Knight that I could barley speak to him without yelling at him. Everything I asked of my Knight while we were moving things was done half-assed. Including loading the darn truck. I was having a mild MS flare and did not have the balance to walk on the truck ramp, so I carried things as I could to the porch for my Knight and daughters to load. My Knight just kind of tossed things on the truck without much organization. That single action caused us to have to make several extra trips with our van, and cost us a good amount of money in extra gas costs.  There was one day where he actually yelled at me for pointing out that I had asked him to do X and he had done Z instead. That, btw, is so completely out of character for my Knight that I stood there for several minutes, simply stunned.  I think that was the first time in 7 years he has ever raised his voice to me. And yet.. my Knight kept insisting everything was fine. Yeah. right.

I tried talking to him. My Knight kept insisting that everything was fine, and that he was doing his best. I know my Knight. I know what "his best" looks like, and what I was seeing was not even close. I ended up doing most of the packing and moving myself because my Knight was messing up so much.
Yes, moving is stressful.... but ...come on.

After we got everything moved over to the new house I gave him a couple days to adjust, and tried to talk to him again. All I got was that he didn't want to argue and that he hates it when I'm upset with him. But, no real explanation for his behavior. I told him that I was beyond fed up and that if he did not start following directions and giving accurate information, he would find himself sleeping on the couch for a month.

And then, last night it hit me. I was lying in bed, looking for patterns in these lapses he had and it hit me. Every single time he has started being passive aggressive one of two things have been going on. Either 1. we have been super-busy and had minimal time together, or 2. things had become routine.  So..  what do those two things have in common?

My time and attention.

If we are super busy then I don't have a lot of time to dedicate to "leading". It's at those times when my Knight is expected to do what I ask of him with minimal discussion, and minimal direction. When we fall into a solid routine, my Knight does not need constant direction.

Reading through that, it kind of makes my Knight sound super-needy. He is not. But, he is really bad about recognizing and expressing his needs. He learned from his  ex that even having needs was cause for all hell breaking loose. Over 15 years of marriage to that woman taught him never to express his own needs, and not to even acknowledge that he had needs at all. Bad things happened when he mentioned his needs. Sure, she's long gone. He and I have been together for 8 years. But conditioning is hard to break, especially when a person doesn't want to see they have been conditions. My Knight used to insist that his ex's behavior had little long term effect on him. But, I can see otherwise.

When I realized the commonality between all these events, I woke up my Knight. We talked about how he reacts when he feels he's not getting enough of my attention. While he didn't acknowledge that he's been feeling ignored, he didn't tell me I was wrong, either. I reminded him that total and complete honesty is the number one rule between us, and that I want to know how he feels and what he needs. Then I pointed out that under our flr  it's my responsibility to decide what he gets, when, and how his needs get met.. but that it's HIS responsibility to be honest with me about what those needs are.  I can't give him what he needs  if he won't communicate with me. Hiding his needs from me is counter productive to our flr, our marriage, and life in general. I went as far as pointing out that it was a survival technique he picked up when he was with his ex and it was not working for him anymore. And.. he has not needed it since we got together. It was a good discussion.. one that I've tried to have with my Knight many times. But, for some reason... THIS time he seemed to hear me. It seemed to sink in.








12 comments:

  1. Well, I don't believe you are alone with this problem. Men are wonderful creatures, yet most of them need almost constant discipline in their lives.

    I am not talking about punishment. I am talking about rules of the house. Every man in a flm needs a set of firm ground rules to ancor him in his duties. The rules should be numbered. He should be able to recite the rules back to you on command, and he should follow them in his daily routine.

    Rules include such thing mundane things as how to greet you and your friends, how and when to do the laundry, or clean house, or simply how to serve at dinner. These rules of the road tend to remind a man of his place in a relationship.

    Kathy

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    1. When we returned to FLR I rewrote our rules. My Knight has 12 written rules he is expected to follow at all times. Although, those rules are stored on our on-line storage account. He does not see them often. I think I need to print them, and hang the rules somewhere in our bedroom where he can review them daily.

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  2. I hope this time you are really getting through to him Mistress Angelique, it must be so frustrating for you to keep going through this again and again...

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    1. I hope so, too. You're right Robert_Anthony. It is frustrating. I feels like we're always starting over. But maybe.. just maybe we've gotten to the root of the problem and can start making progress.

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  3. I might be wrong Anglelique, but what your husband is probably seeking is quite simple. I could try and dress it up a bit and I know all couples are different, but I am sure that it comes down to something very basic.

    Your husband clearly wants and likes you to take strict control in your relationship, and is presumably sexually aroused and excited when you do. I am sure that there are outside factors at play as well, but when it comes down to it, I am sure as you suggest a direct correlation between your the attention you give him and his lack of commitment and behaviour. Whether consciously or sub-consciously your husband is topping from the bottom.

    As a submissive man, and I speak from experience here, what we all seek is to regularly feel control and submissive to our female partners, to feel and sense her willingness to use her dominant position to encourage our submission. How you do that as a woman, and what each man will enjoy, is going to be different. The common factor though will be that it should be carried out on a regular basis, and leave the man in no doubt who is in charge and what is expected of him.

    For me that would be tease and denial, being told what is expected of me on a regular basis, aroused and made to verbally acknowledge that I understand what is expected of me, ordered about, for Jane to flaut her femininity and use it as a way of arousing me,and punished occasionally in different ways. In simple terms just made to feel controlled, and desperate to please and satisfy my wife’s needs. Keeping your husband regularly aroused but denied any orgasms will go a long way.

    In the same way that a man needs to give his wife what she needs in order for him to encourage her to dominate him, a woman needs to “give” her man what he needs to encourage his submission. Find out what each is and you have a recipe for a very long and happy wife led relationship.

    Good Luck

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    1. Thanks, At all Times....I think that is part of our problem. I'm not sure what pushes those submissive buttons for my Knight. He's not a place yet where he is comfortable discussing, or even acknowledging those submissive buttons. When we talk about why FLR works for us all he can tell me is that his driving motivation is to make me happy. If I am upset with him, his world falls apart. But that doesn't help me to understand what encourages him to feel submissive to me. I'm trying... Sometimes I feel like I'm working in the dark here, with little to go on. Right now, my goal is to help my Knight become comfortable with his own submissive tendencies and needs, so that we can actually have a conversation about those needs.

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  4. Mistress Angelique,

    Let me start by saying congratulation on completing the move. I am sure you are glad it is resigned to history. It is really a tough thing to do, but at least now you can relax a little.

    As to the situation you raise, there is a book called "Around Her Finger" by Ken Addison. It spells out a method a domme can keep her sub connected to her authority, which is really what he craves to be content.

    Take care.

    -SH

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    1. Thanks, SH. That book has been on my "to read list" for about a year. It's probably time I order the thing, and sit down to read. I think I was hoping my Knight would tell or show me what he needs need to stay in touch with his submission. But, it's obvious he's not there yet, and I am getting tired of going in circles.

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  5. Just to reply to your reply. Telling you that his driving motivation is to make you happy, is I am sure true, but an answer that he thinks that you would want to hear. It also avoids telling you more about what he really likes about being submissive and being dominated by you. I don't really like the word dominate but that's what it boils down to. It also avoids describing the things he might like that he feels you might be put off by or find distasteful.

    If he is like most submissives I suspect that he will like any situation or senario that makes him feel that you are using your feminine power and control over him, and that arouses him sexually. From experience, I would suggest that whatever it is that pushes his buttons, you at least try and get him aroused and teased in some small way at least once, every couple of days. In this way and keeping him denied any orgasms, you will keep his devoted attention and obedience, for as long as you want it.

    Of course, only he can tell you what he really likes. I suggest that you ask him, or maybe interaogate him while he is blindfold and doesn't have to look you in the eye. Aroused and helpless, he will not be able to resist and is more likely to tell the truth.

    Just an idea...!!


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  6. At all time's first response was extremely insightful, and he outdid himself in his second response. "Making you happy" may well be true, but he offers that because that's the "expected" answer. What he needs is your overt and constant control, but I suspect that societies mores on male submission prevent him from fully acknowledging this to even himself, let alone you.

    To me, the amazing thing is how his need for a FLR was ever brought to light in the first place, given how tight lipped he is on the subject. The "back story" on how that came about might make for an interesting post.

    Best,

    Jake

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    1. Jake, read the first several posts. I went into quite a bit of detail as to how we got here.

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    2. Jake, here is a link to my very first post. This is where I tell how we got here. There's more to it, of course. And maybe you're right, maybe a more in-depth post is called for.

      http://queenandknight.blogspot.com/2011/10/in-beginning.html

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