Sunday, December 30, 2012

Like Mother.. Like Daughter.

So.. my 17 yr old daughter brought home her first boyfriend right before Thanksgiving.  He's a sweet kid, 16 yrs old, fawning all over himself trying to impress me. Did I mention this kid is my daughter's first boyfriend? In fact, he is the first guy she's ever shown any interest in at all. He is spending a lot of time at our house, and so I've gotten a first hand look at how he treats her...or rather.. how he treats her when I'm around. He opens doors, carries things, moves to complete tasks that I ask her to do, looks to her before getting involved with video or card games with my sons. When they go out, he asks her to choose where they go, and she drives. My daughter tells me that he actually tones down the amount of hovering, and direction seeking he does when I'm around. She says it's "worse when it's just the two" of them.

My oldest daughter is away at college and met the boyfriend a few days ago. One of the first thing my eldest noticed is that the boyfriend treats my daughter much the same way Knight treats me.  "Wow. He is a lot like 'Knight'."

Yep. he is.

My Knight sees it, too. He asked me one evening if I am comfortable with daughter's relationship. When I asked him what cause I would have not to be comfortable with it his answer was, "because.. he's a lot like me. As she learns to handle him, she's going to gain insight into me. Into our arrangement."

Yep. she is.  And that's okay. Really, it's no secret that I'm in charge around here. The kids know Mom's in charge. Granted, we've never talked about it to them, but we don't hide it, either. They know we make a lot of decisions together, but I have final say on everything.

I'm surprised that Daughter is dating a guy so much like her step-dad. They are not particularly close. They get along well, and Daughter loves and respects him, but she also does not always approve of me leading my Knight and letting him do things for me that I am perfectly capable of doing myself. She has even said, she'd never date a guy who hovers and fawns over her like her step-dad does me. "It's annoying, " she said. "It makes me uncomfortable," she's told me.

And yet... here she is dating this guy.. coming to me for suggestions on how to guide him just a bit. She is loving the attention he showers on her, even if it really does still make her a little uncomfortable.
She says she's getting used to it.

As for me... I'm glad she's made this guy her first boyfriend. He's going to spoil her for other guys and she will become accustomed to being treated like the rare treasure she is.

4 comments:

  1. Fawning from a young boy, could be a sign of dishonesty. Since his behavior differ depending who is present, this could be a good teaching opportunity for Your daughter. Perhaps She can begin moving him toward those behaviors She prefers all the time.

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  2. Mistress Angelique,

    I have fielded criticism often about living a 24/7 service submissive lifestyle in a home where there are children. The argument is I am harming the children by doing so. This is silly in so many ways I have a difficult time when a commenter posts such suggestions, but regardless, I do understand it is still an unpracticed lifestyle and some consider it deviant for a man to defer to a woman. To me, that is a colossal male chauvinistic concept, but regardless.

    I would like to know if you feel you are harming your children by accepting the role of head of the house. For me, my children are very well tended and I fail to see any harm that is occurring. If they learn to treat the women in their lives (be it teachers, girlfriends, or one day their wives) I fail to see any harm. Conversely, I believe that our children will grow into who they will become and there is little I do which will affect who they will become. I believe that is going to instead be determined by their genetic makeup and their life choices. Me and my wife’s relationship dynamic I do not see as a factor. I can say this because if so, everyone would be in a relationship the same as their parents and that is just silly. Each person becomes who they are.

    I feel in your daughter’s case, a concept of the woman being the head of the household at first was foreign to her, but after consideration she has found some aspects to be to her liking. At least she seems to be in the process of determining if she enjoys leading a relationship and if so to what extent. This is her making decisions for herself. I fail to see any harm and was curious if you agree.

    Thank you.

    -SH

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  3. SH - No, I don't see how a FLM can possibly harm the children. In our case, I think we were harming them before we changed our dynamic. My Knight and I argued a lot. We were angry with each other and hurt, and it showed. Within a week of starting FLR that changed. The hurts began to heal, we started talking to each other again, stopped avoiding each other. Three months later we had almost forgotten how close to divorce we really were.

    I do believe that most people grow up to have lives similar to that of their parents. For most people, they choose a spouse similar to their opposite sex parent. It's been proven that girls tend to date and marry men much like their fathers, and boys date and marry women much like their mothers. We learn our relationship skills by watching those closest to us - including our parents. Think about boys who grow up with single moms... many times they grow into men with a strong respect for women. Men with overly dominant fathers tend to become overly dominant themselves unless something happens to change that. So, it makes sense to me that kids who grow up with flr parents would lean toward an flr themselves.

    My guess would be that it's a combination of things... genetic make up, environment in which the person grows up, early experiences with the opposite sex, and the way they are raised. These things probably all work together to determine a preference for relationship style.

    In the case of my daughters, I was a single mom until my oldest was 10. I raised them to be self-reliant, determined, confident decision makers, and to know their own hearts and minds. At 18 and 17 now, my daughters have learned those lessons well.

    My sons are younger.. 12 and 10..They are learning those same lessons from me.I go out of my way to teach our sons that emotions are okay, that it's important to know and understand how you feel, and why you feel that way, and that it's important to share those emotions with people you're close to. My sons are forming friendships with men who aren't afraid of their feelings, so they have examples to work from. Each child is their own person, and I look for their individual strengths. I believe my sons are watching how my Knight treats me, and they will probably emulate that as they grow up and make their way into the dating world.

    No, I don't believe growing up in an flr is harmful to a child. Anytime the parents have a loving, close relationship it's good for the kids. It doesn't matter what the logistics of that relationship are... as long as the parents love, respect,and care for each other, and the kids..then the kids will be fine.

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  4. Ms Angelique,
    You’re absolutely right, a FLM where there’s harmony can’t harm your children in any way.
    With your guidance, hopefully your daughter will soon find pleasure in her role as the leader and decision-maker in her relation.
    A Queen’s daughter should be a princess, shouldn’t she?

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