To continue my thoughts from yesterday.. Maybe.. just maybe I can help solve our problem by helping my Knight to reform the images in his head of what it is to be submissive. We all know that, in general, the media paints a pretty lousy image of submissive guys.
But.. If I can help my Knight to rebuild his own images and ideas of what it means to be submissive, then maybe I can help him come to terms with his own tendencies. So - how do I go about that?
My thoughts are pretty simple.. I do know that in the past, reminding my Knight that when you get right down to it, nobody's opinion of him really matters... except mine and his. Most of the time, when he's having an issue with something, reminding my Knight that it's MY opinion that impacts his life, and then telling him exactly what my opinion is helps him a lot especially when my opinion is the same as, or more favorable than, his. Somehow, I need to use that influence to help him accept this part of himself. Knowing that I accept it should help. I spent a good couple years trying to shoehorn him into "typical 50/50" because I didn't understand what he needed and because of my own images of a "fair relationship" brought on by my upbringing, past relationships, and media influence. It took me awhile, but I finally understood that he wanted me to guide him, to be in charge. I still don't pretend to understand, but the dynamic is okay with me. When we first talked about FLR, my Knight was concerned that I would "get tired of it" or that it "would become a burden." I will admit that sometimes I forget or neglect to do my part because I get busy, but any major change in habits or lifestyle change is like that.. you have to think about it until it becomes second nature. Being submissive to me is just how my Knight is wired.. it's first nature to him. Allowing myself to be dominant is a new habit for me.. it IS a lifestyle change, and it is taking time to become second nature. But, that doesn't mean that I don't want to, or that I don't like the change. It's not a burden, it's just change.
For me, the greatest reward to this change has been watching my Knight in the process. I've said it before.. since we started FLR, my Knight is more confident, more secure, more creative, happier, willing to take more risks, depressed less, he seems to get more enjoyment and contentment from our sex life, and he smiles more. Yep. That's worth it to me.
Yes, I'm kind of rambling here, but I'm thinking out loud, so to speak. If my Knight has gained so much through my bumbling efforts at FLR, then, yeah.. he is submissive. I don't see any difference between FLR and "submissive male." Maybe it's a matter of degree, but it's basically the same thing... the male wanting/needing the female to be in charge of some or all aspects of his life for whatever reason. Somebody needs to be in charge in a marriage type relationship. The only reasons so many people think that person should be the male is because either that's all they know, or because it's all they have ever been exposed to in real life, or through the media. (If you doubt the need for someone to be in charge, just look at any organization that is run by committee. Nothing EVER seems to get accomplished)
My Knight has said more than once that he doesn't understand my focus on our flr. That he's "always been that way." When I try to understand how his brain works and what he wants he always looks at
me like I've got 2 heads. He tells me "I just want you to be happy," without any comment on what makes HIM happy. He tells me there is no reason to evaluate what is working and what's not.... to just do what makes me happy, and he'll follow along because his only desire is to see me happy. Wow.. reading that it sounds like I am an unhappy person..... but I'm not. I'm generally happy and content.
Of course, then he gets passive aggressive and we end up arguing.
There's more to this thought, but it's time for me to take kids to lessons... .......
so....If you made it this far in my pointless talking to myself, maybe you have suggestions on how I can help my Knight become comfortable with idea that it's okay for him to talk to tell me what he wants, needs and gains from being submissive to me.... from being my Knight. Because that is what I am trying to understand.. I want to know what he needs, wants, and gains from our flr, so that I can better meet that role.